Maddox

As the Duggars prepare to enlist their 20th baby soldier, St. Angie Jo and Brad Pitt shuffled their boutique-sized child army through Tokyo's Haneda International Airport today. They're all there to boost the Japanese economy by buying toys and art supplies every single day while Brad does the promotion thing for that Moneyball movie. FYI: Brad is the big one wearing all black who looks like a living interpretive art piece of Jessica Biel wearing her beard.

Besides Cheer for Darks laundry detergent, the most used item in the Brangelina household is obviously a skinny comb for side parting their hair. A family that side parts together, stays together, I guess. Zahara and Maddox are the true vanguards here since they refuse to surrender to the side part. When they're all in front of the communional bathroom mirror, Maddox probably declares all of them sheep by "baaaahing" at them when they side part their hair as he cuts his bangs with scissors and a protractor.

Source: Star Magazine via Jezebel

As invisible prison bars surrounded them, Angie Jo, Shiloh Two, Shiloh Three, Maddox, Pax and Zahara caused a lukewarm commotion when they left a movie theater in London after watching Harry Potter. Yes, the living saints actually sat in a theater where regular people who don't piss out blessed holy water go. But don't worry, nobody was wished into Aniston's Cabbage Patch Doll collection after throwing Maddox an around-the-shoulder bitch eye when he kicked their seat. The holy family had the theater all to themselves. But still. Isn't Brangelina the most powerful entity on every face of this planet? Couldn't they have ordered DanRad and the rest of the kids to their 45-room castle to perform that shit for them live in their ballroom? Cheap! I guess that wasn't an option at their private prison's commissary.

While covering her bones in a grey (or "the lighter black" as Angie calls it) curtain panel so they don't get brittle and splinter in the sun, Angie Jolie shuffled Knox (in the lady bug costume), Vivienne (in the princess costume), Zahara, Shiloh, Maddox, Pax and (and enter the name of child I missed) out of a play park in Malta today. Brangelina and their child army is in Malta while Brad shoots World War Z.

You know, if there's one thing the child army knows it's the name and location of every damn toy store, play zone and park in every city of every country. The only time I see them is when they're leaving a toy store or going into a toy store. Pax's head might burp up a question mark when you ask him the full names of all ten million of his brothers and sisters, but if you asked him where you could find a toy store in Liechtenstein, he'd give you the coordinates and tell you to ask for Florian. Those kids are not playing around when it comes to playing around. They don't need an app for that!

In an interview with USA Today for that Tree of Life movie, Brad Pitt talks about how he and Angie Jo are staring at marriage together and he also said what grosses out his army of children. Surprisingly, it's not the sight of Angie nom nom nom-ing on the penis root of one of her past victims. It's also not the sight of Brad Pitt cutting a piece of his beard off to put in his bong after realizing that it's enriched with weed smoke. It's also not when Brad and Angie make them walk more than 50 steps on the sidewalk without being carried.

It's worse than all of that. Maddox & Co. let out a hurricane of high-pitched ewwws when Brad and Angie announce that they are going to go spend some time together in their kissing room. That makes all of us go ewwww. The chosen ones are just like us!

Here's a few quotes from Brad's interview including that one about Maddox gagging himself at the thought of his parents kissing.

On the paps always being up his family's culo: “We're hunted. Our kids have to live behind a gate. Outside, there are people with cameras. But I'll take the trade-off. I never knew I was capable of experiencing so much love.”

On if he and Angie will ever get married: “The kids ask about marriage. It's meaning more and more to them. So it's something we've got to look at.”

On how they're pretty much a trained traveling army: “On the road, we're a military mobile unit. The kids have got their stuff down to one backpack, and they're each responsible for their own bag. Mom does the packing; she's quite gifted at that. Puts in just what we need — nothing extra.”

On how his house sounds like such a tranquil and pleasant place to be: “Angie and I do everything we can to carve out some semblance of normalcy for them, to re-create the kinds of moments that were special for us. It's not unusual for the kids to be covered in paint. We have mud fights. It's chaos from morning until the lights go out, and sometimes after that.”

On that kissing thing: “There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.' They go, ‘Eww, gross!' But we demand it.”

Brad Pitt needs to stop with that "no secret" shit. When they say they are going off to kiss, they really mean that Brad is going to retreat into his hot boxin' room to make architecture models out of Popsicle sticks while Angie knife fights with her lesbian sex slaves in the chapel. That counts as a secret!

With Zahara, Maddox, Pax and the Chipmunk Rapunzel Triplets in tow, St. Angie and Brad Pitt floated through the streets of New Orleans this morning while surveying their land and waving at their loyal subjects. You can't tell from these pictures, but when the peons of Brangelina's kingdom weren't throwing imaginary petals of "Who gives a shit!," they were bowing their eyelids out of boredom. That is how much they love and worship the Church of BAMZSPKV (just add in a few more random letters in there if I missed one)!

St. Angie and Brad's subjects should really throw some styling advice their way, because DAMN!

Angie Jo looks like a legal secretary circa 1995 who changed into flip flops in her emerald green Tercel to buy more black pencil skirts in the funeral grandma section of a Robinson's May. And that hair part paired with that jacket makes Brad Pitt look like a slow mechanic who worked at his brother's shop for a quick minute before he got fired for rubbing his crotch and nibbling on the edge of a Styrofoam cup while staring at the lady customers in the waiting room.

Where is the suggestion box in the Church of BAMZKLJLJLK located, because I need to file a complaint about their wardrobe choices.

It took me a few blinks to figure out that this is 2-year-old Vivienne and not a shrunken Shiloh in the arms of St. Angie (that's going to be the name of Sarah McLachlan's follow-up to that "Arms of an Angel" song) at an airport in New Orleans yesterday. It didn't take me that long to figure out, because Vivi is obviously trying to figure out if she left her halo on their flying saint mobile and we all know that Shiloh's halo has already melted into a puddle of celestial locks on her head.

Seriously, Knox, Shiloh and Vivi could easily star in an all-chipmunk production of a musical based on the life of The Del Rubio Triplets, because they have the same face as each other! And because their pores naturally secrete sequins on command like The Del Rubio Triplets. Speaking of Shiloh, I don't know where she is in these pictures. My guess is that she's hiding in that bag.

And it would be illegal and unholy of me to exit this post without mentioning the side-eye action Maddox is throwing at somebody I don't evny. A side-eye that makes Jennifer Aniston reach for her Precious Moments hanging cross.

Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie running their own mini version of Work of Art over there, or something? You know Maddox loves saying each day: "I'm sorry, (enter the name of a toddler deity), but your work of art just didn't cut it for us." This is the second time this week that St. Angie has swept her kids into Lee's Art Shop in NYC. Something is going down! Yeah, yeah, we could say that they're just kids buying paint brushes and shit, but speculating is my life juice so that wouldn't work!

They are obviously buying supplies to finish working on the map that clearly dictates their world takeover plans. That's it. Zahara definitely has that "Prepare for my reign!" look on her face and that shifty Shiloh is overly excited about something. She could be excited about running home to sell her toof for MILLIONS on eBay (Who needs the cheap ass Toof Fairy when you've got eBay?), but I think it's more than that. That's not a Nutcracker jacket she's wearing, that's a takin' over the damn world jacket. Game over.

And Maddox is only smirkin' because he's letting the young ones have their time in the shine.

Seen here wearing the white smock she slips on right before she bites into the bulging inner thigh vein of the human sacrifice brought to her by the village townspeople, St. Angie Jo strikes an over the shoulder pose on the cover of December's Vogue. Or maybe that's the white smock she wears when her most devout Brangeloonies gather around her in a circle to feed her soul with their worshiping wails and tears. Who knows. She wears a lot of white smocks since she doesn't want to stain the black. Never stain the black.

In the issue, Angie Jo confirms what we've known all along: the child army is preparing to take over the world. Angie says that Pax is already a culinary expert who can fart out gourmet dishes that the masters at Le Cordon Bleu only dream of making and Maddox is pretty much our future planet overlord so rid your closet of anything that is not the shade a 3am blackout. The color wheel is EXTINCT in Maddox's world.

Here's a few pieces from Angie's interview which the Daily Mail has summed up:

Angelina speaks about various aspects of her home life with partner Brad Pitt and their six children, including how Pax's culinary skills far outweigh her own. And while Maddox knows his famous mother isn't too skilled in the kitchen, he still tries to encourage her, telling her 'Good job!' when she cooks breakfast.

Angelina also speaks about her eldest biological child, Shiloh, who is now four. She says Shiloh, who has always been a tomboy and is keen to follow in her older brothers' footsteps, recently found a dead bird and asked if she could keep it for a pet. But Angelina recalls she told Shiloh if she wanted a dead bird, she should get one from the taxidermist instead.

In the article, readers get a glimpse inside the Jolie-Pitt household with its six kids, bulldog named Jacques and nannies who speak Vietnamese to Pax and Cambodian to Maddox.

Angelina also spoke about how she finds time to balance her personal life with her 'extremely handsome and the most sexy' partner Brad Pitt, with her professional life, admitting the pair always ensure one of them is with the children while the other is working.

See. Maddox is the sensei who trained Angie Jo to be a world saving saint who can snatch your man with a blink from her hypnotic vagina. And Angie gets all the credit for it! We need to give credit where credit is due! Adjust your emotions accordingly!

And what's with the "bringing a dead bird to the porch" shit? Is Shiloh a house cat? But seriously, Angie is really acting like Shiloh didn't take the dead bird to the twin messiahs who softly cooed into it's chest bringing it back to life. The bird is now the pet of a blind Eastern European girl and he's teaching her the beauty of music. The girl will go on to heal the world with her soul nourishing voice. The circle of EVERYTHING starts with the holy Brangelina family.

Jennifer Aniston came home late one night (okay, it was like 8) after a particularly exciting knitting circle session and she couldn't wait to share everything with her confidantes, best friends and children. Jennifer opened the door to their room, clapped on the Winnie the Pooh floor lamp, and then the look of ecstatic happiness on her face immediately burned away and the ashes turned into a mask of PAINED TERROR! Covering the baby blue berber carpet of the nursery were mounds upon mounds of the fluffy synthetic white guts from her BEST FRIENDS! Jennifer dropped to her knees, raised her fists at the Hasbro Gods and let out a silent wail that could only be heard throughout the stuffed animal section at Toys 'R Us.

Who would do this? Who would be evil and vengeful enough to commit a STUFFED ANIMAL MASSACRE! And then a cold wind softly touched one of the tears running down Jennifer's cheek which made her turn to an open window in the room. And there she saw it....a single piece of black cotton fabric stuck to a nail in the windowsill. Jennifer knew and as she stared down at her hands filled with her fallen soulmates' guts she made a silent promise to them to get REVENGE AT ANY COST!!!

Cut to Maddox Jolie-Pitt sashaying into the NYC premiere of Megamind last night with a smug smirk that washed all over his face as soon as he slipped on the luxurious coat made from the pelts of his arch rival's precious friends. Aniston: 0, Maddox de Vil: I lost count.

And as I try to tally up all of Maddox's victories, you can spend a little time with these pictures of Brad Pitt, Tina Fey and Ben Stiller at last night's premiere. After looking at Brad Pitt's dozed eyes, I now know what the guy at my deli sees when I stumble in to buy a jar of nacho cheese after smoking the good shit for hours in my darkened apartment.