Sarah Jessica Parker

Matthew Broderick is currently doing a play on Broadway, so I'm going to assume that those matching pubic hair triangles on his face have something to do with that. Because I don't know why he would do that just for shits. It makes him look even more like high school world history teacher with a serious case of shit breath who has been known to loiter around in the boy's locker room for way too long. That shit is not the look.

And Sarah Jessica Parker is not nuzzling for the cameras, she's sniffing at that extra hay on Matthew's face. She's fighting the urge to chew. Matthew better keep her stable door tightly shut at night or she may wander into his bed chamber to nibble at his pork chops. And we know he doesn't want that.

Here's Matthew and SJP at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of his movie Wonderful World last night.

Obviously, these two twats are getting dressed in two different closets in probably two different rooms! Matthew Broderick looks like a child toucher with a serious case of halitosis who charms you with his according playing and then offers you some candy from his jar. Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker is looking like a Day-glo Disco My Little Pony left on the dusty backroom storage shelf of a Toys R Us in Indiana since the 80s. If these two faglets can't even coordinate their outfits, how are they coordinating their genitals. They ain't!

And SJP's mug is looking especially filly-ish. Maybe she's full of guilt for throwing Vadge off of her back. Aw. Nibble on a sugar cube and don't be so hard on yourself, Pony. Any bitch would've tossed that roid beast off of them.

Here's Faggy and Haggy at the premiere of Mary Stuart on Broadway last night.

No, this is not a post about Heidi Montag. How dare you! I see the resemblance, but this horse's beauty tramples all over that one useless horse with a broke weave from The Hills who is getting on Jesus' last nerve. This is is a post about horses wearing wigs. That's it. Horses wearing wigs. Nothing really needs to be said after that. Well, it's also a post about how I'm pulling my pit hairs trying to not type the three words my fingers are aching to type. It's so obvious and that's why I'm trying to dig deep to not resist into temptation. But my fingers want to deliver me to evil. I'm fighting it. It's right fucking there just begging to be plucked. NO!

But seriously, Gisele Bundchen better watch her back, because these three are angling to knock her off the top! And they won't roll off the hay for less than 10,000 sugar cubes a day.

By the way, if you're looking at the tags and spanking me with your eyes for losing the fight, MAKE IT STING. I deserve it.

That's it. We can all quit this bitch. We can spend the rest of the day sucking on sugar cubes and sipping on carrotinis while laying on a hay bed, because SJP has delivered us the joke. The joke laid down on her hooves and said, "Take me!" I mean, camel toe on a horsey?! Does she even go on the internets? I'm guessing the answer to that question is a loud, "Neeeeigh!!"

It's officially official. The Vagisil will be a-flowin' and the Estroven will be a-poppin' for the sequel to that movie about parched pussies trolling around in NYC. Michael Patrick King confirmed it all to E!'s Marc Malkin (via People), "I'm very excited to work with these amazing actresses again and would love to give everyone more information about the sequel...but I'm busy with my 'Sex' life."

Everyone will be back for more menopausal hijinks and shooting is expected to start this Summer with the vagina-exploding madness hitting theaters in 2010.

At this point, they should just replace all of them with Charlotte Rae, Bea Arthur, Sally Struthers and Katherine Helmond. They will work for confederate dollars and be a million times more entertaining. Not to mention sexier. Well, they can keep Mrs. Rojo Caliente. Power tools don't come cheap and Rojo can't live without hers!

Seriously, are these bitches going to wear Patricia Field designed diapers and sip their Metamuciltinis through a straw or a damn no-drip cup?! They might as well just call this shit Golden Girls: The Movie, because that's what they are becoming. But without the magic and cheesecake.

P.S. - I used this old ass picture from 1996, because this is how I'd like to remember Cynthia Nixon forever. I bet you her hair in that picture is what Rojo Caliente's oyster shrub looks like. Swooooon.

WAKE UP and smell the lubed-up butt plug in your ass, Matthew! You've got a photo-op to fake smile for.

These two have the sexual chemistry of a dying salamander and white dog caca (StepBrothers 4 EVA). It's a good thing Matthew Broderick keeps a picture of a hard wang on his cell phone at all times, so he can glance it every few minutes to get an extra shot of energy or. Seriously, SJP and Matthew look like they would rather be getting a genital rub from Freddy Krueger. Their clothes even look miserable. Slap him with a dick and slap her with a carrot.

Here's Ladyhawke and his little pony telling everyone "We're holding hands! This means we're happy!" in NYC last night.

This didn't come from the My Little Pony's mouth, but UsWeekly swears on Heidi and Spencer's rotten vaginas (they love them so) that the Sex and the City sequel is a go. They might as well call that shit Sex But Only With The Use Of Vagisil In The Retirement Community.

Some source said the contracts aren't signed yet, but everyone has agreed. Another source claims the 4 hos are getting a lot more money than they did the first time around. Warner Bros. wouldn't comment on this shit.

I will co-sign this shit in my own blood if they do the right thing and base the sequel around Rojo Caliente. They don't even have to do much. They can just show 2 hours of Rojo in a wife beater, cargo jeans and a tool belt drilling a piece of big wood or something. Swoooon. Those 3 hags and Cynthia Nixon can make cameos every few minutes. One can oil up Rojo's arms, two can brush her ginge bush and another can have Rojo flex for her. They can call it Gingy Bull Dyke in the Home Depot. Movie of the decade!

SJP has had it with Matthew Broderick's lies, cheating and drama! Well, that's what you deal with when you're shacking up with a gay. And she also probably got sick of his fresh dick cheddar breath and constant use of jazz hands. Seriously, I picture Matthew Broderick using jazz hands for everything. When he says "good morning," when he says "goodnight" and especially when he pops one. Actually, when he orgasms, he does the Rockette kick followed by jazz hands and a curtsy.

SJP is getting sick of all that drama queen shit, so she's moving the fuck out of their big gay townhouse. That's what Star Magazine claims anyway. Their sources said SJP has hired a broker and is looking for her own apartment. "Sarah's not stupid. She knows exactly what's going on. For a while it was easier for her to stay than go through a harsh divorce. They're essentially living separate lives. They spent the holidays with him, pretending to be happy. SJP is a great actress when she has to be!"

I wish I could make a bitch about that "great actress" comment, but even I have to admit that her performance in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was riveting.

Why does she have to move out?! Isn't she's the one who's putting carrots and sugar cubes on the table? Besides, it wasn't cheap to install that stable and trough in the basement. He should get his jazz hand-loving ass out of there and into a Chelsea studio with a small kitchenette like a real gay!

And it makes sense that Miley's "first kiss" is with a homo dude's chin.

Samantha Jones confirmed to Scary Spice on The Paul O'Grady Show that the three scrappy hags (and Cynthia Nixon) will be back for a "Sex and the City" sequel tentatively titled "SATC 2: Doing It For The Money."

When asked by Scary if there would be another movie, Kim Cattrall responded, "Yes, there will be a sequel "Yes, there will be a sequel. We will do the sequel next summer. We wanted to film the first time, and now we’re hopefully doing it again for the second time. It is difficult getting everybody who’s so incredibly busy all together at the same time."

A spokeswhore for New Line only said they are "in negotiations for a sequel."

They might as well move those memaws from NYC to Miami already and call it "Golden Girls: THE MOVIE." I mean, Kim is like 80-years-old! Okay, she's really 52, but still.

I'm sure they'll fuck up the sequel like they did the first one by not giving the starring role to Rojo Caliente!

It was the horsey's fault!!! The collapse of Vadge's marriage has been blamed on one of Heidi Montag's relatives. Sort of. A friend of Vadge's tells The Sun that her marriage started to turn into diarrhea after she fell off of a horse in 2005. Vadge broke bones and shit, but Guy didn't seem to care.

Vadge was put in the hospital and said it was one of the most painful experiences of her life. Even more painful than "Shanghai Surprise"? Damn. The experience was extra shitty because her husband didn't show her any kind of compassion.

Vadge's friend said, “Madonna was in a huge amount of pain and expected Guy to drop everything to be at her bedside. In her mind that is what every husband should do to support his wife when she has been through a traumatic, possibly life-threatening, experience. But Guy approached the whole thing in what she now calls, ‘A very British way’. Instead of smothering her with sympathy he said, ‘Come on darling, you’re a tough bird. You’ll be back on the horse in no time’. Guy’s approach was that a few broken bones is no big deal – and that there was no point in making a drama out of a crisis. But in Madonna’s mind, she could have been killed, and she wanted the full works and to be lavished with love and attention."

Vadge told friends that Guy must not be her soulmate. She also vowed to never date British dudes again because they are "emotionally-stunted." This coming from a bitch who probably can't even produce tears.

This whole story sounds a little weird to me. I would think Vadge would be the complete opposite. I see her as the type who wants to be left alone when they're sick. I'm like that when I'm ill. When people try and take care of me, I snot on their hands or tell them to go play on the freeway. I want to wallow in my own grossness by myself.

Guy probably didn't give a horse's taint, because he planned that shit himself! He gave that horse an extra carrot to throw her off. Well, the joke was on Guy. Vadge can never be thrown off her high horse. Never.