White Oprah

White Oprah should be dragging Lindsay Lohan by the wig to a rehab/monastery/Hazmat Center, but instead she's out partying and talking to the media. Naturally. At a party for New Jersey Turnpike Fashion Week (no, she was at NYC Fashion Week, don't ask me why), UsWeekly asked White Oprah about her style. All of us see White Oprah's style as carefree elegance. White Oprah gets up in the afternoon, grabs a few weave pieces that LiLo shed on the floor throughout the night, sticks them on with a dab of her own vomit and then picks out the perfect dress for her to hike up over her waist when the bar's toilet is busy and she needs to squat a pee out in the alley. Carefree elegance! But White Oprah's hos, Lindsay and Ali, see her style as a complete horror show.

"My girls are always telling me to cut my hair. You know, you think you're fashion forward, and then you have children who are way more, but you make your own look [work]. But it's hard when you're girls are like, 'Mom, you're looking scary.'"

Lindsay & Ali to White Oprah: YOU'RE SCARING US!

The world to all the Lohans: YOU'RE SCARING US MORE!

Speaking of scary, Michael Lohan gave TMZ a picture of him applying for a job at a Burger King in Florida. Great, just what we need. I'm happy that Michael is actually getting a real job, but I'm not happy for the tortured people who will soon buy a piece of dead meat that will give them the shits from a piece of shit with dead meat for a soul.

If you told me that this was really White Oprah trying to look like 25-year-old (in Stodden years, obviously) Lindsay Lohan with the help of a backwards discount wig named Crystal from Party City, bronzer (in shade: death diarrhea) mixed with bloody dirt from a crime scene and the make-up artist who did Pam's rotting skin on True Blood, I wouldn't call you a liar. This is LiLo at an amfAR gala in NYC last night, and I wouldn't be surprised if she once she strolled in looking like that, the organizers changed the event to benefit her instead of AIDS research, because DAMN. We can all update the saying "like death warmed over" to "like LiLo warmed over."

LiLo obviously doesn't have any friends, because a true friend wouldn't let her leave the motel room looking like Owen Wilson going to a Halloween party as a zombie Loretta Swit. Somebody needs to cover her with a fumigation tent and drag her to church for a long soak in a bowl of holy water right after they sit her down for a one-on-one intervention with Nancy Reagan. LiLo is a walking Just Say No campaign. I mean, those gaping nostril holes need a lap band around them, because bitch can snort a line from across the room.

When you're 25 and making Woody Allen look young, fresh and hot by comparison, it's time to get Jesus in your life. Shit, Scientology is the devil, but at this point I'd tell LiLo to get some Xenu in her life.

Judge Stephanie gave Lindsay Lohan a full week to turn herself in for a jail sentence that will last as long as the dramatic pause the ATM machine makes in front of Michael Lohan before spitting out an "insufficient funds" note, and that's because she has to once again pull out her medicine ball in a tube sock titties and freckled crab shack for Playboy's photographer. LiLo already put her nipples on display for Playboy in a 4 day-long shoot that wrapped last week, but E! News is reporting that when Hef looked at the pictures, the groan that Linda Blair makes in The Exorcist after she barfs up pea smegma played in his head and he ordered a RE-DO! Then he ordered his day nurse to RE-MASH his prune porridge since his leased blond trick of the moment keeps complaining about bits getting into her chocha when she has to sit on his face while changing his colostomy bag (two birds, one stone, etc....).

A source says that Hef has brought in a new photographer and is changing the entire concept of LiLo's shoot. The shoot is supposed to happen today and LiLo's cooze has gotten the day off, because she's not going to get fully naked this time.

Let's try to do the math without a calculator! Hef's foggy eyes tell him that even industrial-strength Photoshop can't save LiLo's first pictures and now they've excused her vagina from the set? Those two things equals Ryan Murphy offering LiLo's vagina a cameo on American Horror Story as one of the things in the jars down in the basement.

Meanwhile, White Oprah is ejaculating with pride over her daughter's Playboy spread to The Insider and says it will be really fucking classy, "It will be tastefully done. She's been working in front of the camera with Ford Models since she was a little girl so she kinda knows how to work that."

Leave it to White Oprah to reach new levels of GROSS by using the words "since she was a little girl" while talking about her daughter getting ass lips naked in Playboy. The Toddlers & Tiaras moms thank White Oprah for being skeezier than them.

The shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is redirecting the usual actions of her pimp hand from pushing her kids onto the ho stroll to pushing at her ghostwriter to do that extra line of powdered No Doz so they can finish her memoirs before her #1 ho gets thrown into jail. The not-so-shocking news of the day is that White Oprah is trying to sell her memoirs by selling out her daughter in it. When the vodka bottle goes empty, it's every Lohan for themselves!

TMZ got a hold of the prologue from White Oprah's soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize winning autobiography (possible titles: Crackdays with Lindsay, Lindsay Ashes: I'm Dancing On Them, A Million Little Enablers and I Know Why The Coke Bird Snorts) and in it she writes all about Lindsay's sad transformation from child star to premiere mug shot model. White Oprah uses her favorite snortin' finger to point the blame at everybody but herself for ruining her daughter's life. Here's just a few excerpts from the Book According to Delusion:

"I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay's way of daily living--and it tore me up inside."

"How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."

TMZ says that White Oprah "worked" with a ghostwriter (aka Nana Lohan) on the prologue and her rep started shopping it around to publishers two weeks ago. So far, every publisher she sent the prologue to, rolled it up and sent it back. To which, White Oprah said "THANK YOU!" since she had herself a new jumbo coke straw.

Gossip Cop threw a bucket of ice water on White Oprah as she lay passed out, face first in a barback's bin on the floor of a Long Island sports bar, and asked her about this. White Oprah opened up her whiskey orifice and said that would never write anything negative about her child. The deluded evil twat went on to say, "When and if [I do write a book] it will be all positive.”

Everything that comes out of White Oprah's mouth has as much credibility as what comes out of her asshole, so we should all believe that she's kicking coins out of her daughter when the bitch is down. That chill in your ear you just felt was Papa Joe, Joe Jackson, Billy Ray Cyrus and Pimp Mama Kris all saying "too far too far" at the same time.

Since Lindsay Lohan can't even get a job scaring the bowels out of a bitch with her "Ayes Snort Your Brainz" face at Knott's Scary Farm, White Oprah needs somebody to be the main coke winner of the family since the ball of Vicodin mash in her head gets an allergic reaction every time it thinks of getting a real job to support her family. And the only cure for that allergy is to a shove a Neti Pot full of vodka up the swollen anus on her nose. Who's going to pay for her medicine?! That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in.

As you've already laughed your lungs out, Ali was signed to NEXT Model Management back in August and was called a future fashion icon by her agent (who obviously said this after staring deep into the crystal meth ball). And now here's the future of fashion ("But I want to live in the past..." - fashion) on something called Fault Magazine with a rayon dutch boy wig on her head and an ear full of White Oprah screaming at her to pose faster, because they need to get to the plastic surgeon's office so he can make her even skinnier by lipoing out the fatter pieces of her soul.

I pains me to say this, especially as a Barbizon alumni, but some of these pictures aren't as awful as I'd think they would be. Yes, in some these shots she looks like a malnourished Gorn in Blade Runner drag. But the freckled wonder sort of pulls it off in other pictures.

This is still a freckled-splattered wrong and White Oprah should be charged under the anti-terrorism act. I mean, this photo shoot is funding the Lohan's famewhoring ways. Case closed!

When an interview starts with White Oprah turning down a free cocktail right after the host calls her "gorgeous" to her not gorgeous face, you just know it's going to be a stumbling pedicab crash straight into a wall of lies. And it was.

While wearing a dress from an Australian designer she can't talk about (because she shoved that dress in her purse at his store when he wasn't looking), the Mother of Every Year rambled through a variety of ridiculous topics from how she's starting a talent management company for children to how she's navigating the waters of negativity one booze cruise at a time.

The talent management company for children is a great idea. That way Child Protective Services doesn't have to waste time setting up stings to catch shit parents. They just have to confiscate White Oprah's client roster.

Basically, what I got from this mess of an interview is that White Oprah is a single mom of 4, a terrible person, an NYU Dance major, a despicable human being, a single mom of 4, an awful mother, an NYU Dance major, a desperate heathen, a singe mom of 4, a piece of uncouth trash and an NYU Dance major. Did I mention that she's a single mom of 4 and an NYU Dance major?

White Oprah only speaks in coke-induced Lohan tongues so what she really means by that is that she's a foul mom of zero and majored in Delusional Ass Nasty Cunt Evilness at New Yuck University. Me too!

What I'm also getting from this interview is that I never want White Oprah to stop speaking. The trash that comes out of her talk hole is like a Slippery Nipple shot for my soul.

From your ears to God's lips, White Oprah. Burp!

via ONTD

There definitely is a more creative and wittier headline out there (and it isn't coming from me), but that's the first thing I said out loud when I brought up these gorgeous portraits from the gutter. Then I went to pee (which stung, by the way, and I blame these pictures), sat back down and thought the same thing again. I was about to type "Look At What The Cat Dragged In," but that would've been factually incorrect on every level. I know some dirty skanky alley cats who consider a pigeon's anus as a meal and even they wouldn't put their mouths on either one of these bumbling busted bitches. It's like Courtney Stodden took her Dorian Gray portrait out for a 40. You decide which is which.

If you were in the Meatpacking District in Manhattan last night and were wondering why flies riding roaches riding rats were galloping through the streets in hoards headed uptown, it's because the living embodiment of Grey Gardens for the crack whore set came out to party. Just a mess. Lindsay Lohan looks like she's a shot away from spiraling into a drunk coma right there on the street while dumb-eyed White Oprah is too blinded by the fame to care.

LiLo: Um. Mom? The tequila went straight to my legs and turned them into worms. I'm just going to go mimi times on these strange looking tiny grey pillows.
White Oprah: HOLD ON TO YOUR 8-BALLS, BOYS! BAM! YES! BOOM!
LiLo: No, seriously, why is that man in a black hood carrying that thing the Grim Reaper carries winking at me?
White Oprah: THE NAAAAAAME ON EVERYBODY'S LIPS IS GONNA BE...WHITE OPRAH!
LiLo: Where am I? I see a bright light.
White Oprah: IT'S THE CAMERAS, BABY! FLASHING FOR ME...I MEAN...US. SPARKLE, KITTEN, SPARKLE!"

Seriously, White Oprah is Lucifer in Chinese Laundry heels.

That being said, White Oprah has never looked hotter. Well, her look is very "tired Regan-era call girl who got demoted to the morning shift but still shows up to the hotel bar at 8pm on Saturday night like she's prime shit."

And LiLo might look like she's about to pass out, but apparently she got some energy when she got inside the V Magazine party at The Boom Boom Room. This happened:

@womensweardaily Women's Wear Daily
Lindsay Lohan just threw a full drink at a boy at V magazine party who dared to snap her pic. #NYFW
11 hours ago via web

The boy was a photographer for V Magazine who added this (via ONTD):

@JasperRischen Jasper Rischen
Wow. Lindsay Lohan is as trashy as they always say. She threw drinks and glasses to me as we tried to take a shot for @vmagazine. C.u.n.t.
11 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®

And then this happened:

@Styleite Styleite
And now people are bleeding at the @vmagazine party. Not sure what's going on, but it's at Lindsay Lohan's table.
10 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

To clarify: girl left in an ambulance but looked OK. FDNY were calm, took their time. Didn't look like a suicide attempt, just an accident.
9 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

Yup, still got it!

White Oprah's vodka plunger mouth has been mysteriously shut during this whole "Ali Lohan now looks like a walking Weekly World News cover" mess and I just figured it's because she doesn't issue a MAN DOWN CODE 10 ALERT unless her ATM card stops working or the delivery dude from Beefeater doesn't show up to fill the gin cooler in her bedroom...and I was right.

White Oprah, seen in the picture above as Mother Unnatural, is telling her friends that everyone can calm their hot b-holes ("Mix a little coke with the innards of a wet Sleepytime Tea bag and rub it on the hot spot real careful-like" - White Oprah giving her mostly herbal remedy of the day!), because her 17-year-old daughter hasn't plasticized her face and isn't anorexia-ing her way to model beauty.

White Oprah says Ali is just going through a growth spurt! You know, because every 17-year-old's growth spurt looks like it was watered with heroin juice and fertilized with back alley collagen that might really be gel soil. A source had this to say to Radar about what White Oprah sees through her delusion-colored eyes:

“Dina is adamant though that Ali is just going through a very big growth spurt, and there is absolutely no cause for concern. If Dina thought for one moment that Ali was suffering from an eating disorder, or feeling the pressure to be thin, she would terminate Ali's modeling contract, and get her the necessary help.

Ali is the one who has pestered her mom for years to get into the business. Dina held-off for years, but felt now the time was right for Ali to get into the business. As long as Dina isn't concerned, Lindsay isn't worried either.”

Oh, that White Oprah is such a restrained pimp. Whoring Ali out in that reality show and pushing her in front of the paparazzi any chance she gets definitely falls under the "holding off" category. White Oprah would never allow Ali to tap dance down the same tragic road as Goddess Bunny and she'd never replace her bowl of morning cereal with a bowl of mashed Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull. NEVAH! But mostly because do you know how fucking expensive Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull is?! It's Mexican Ephedra and toilet bowl cleaner all the way!

White Oprah might be a creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration, but she's a frugal creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration. TYVM.

On the left is Ali Lohan back in 2009 and on the right is someone the paps say is 17-year-old Ali Lohan in Beverly Hills yesterday, but I'm not so sure since how in White Oprah's coke spoon hell is that the same being?! The list of things White Oprah should be slapped in the mouth for is as full as full can be, but room should be made and this mess right here should be moved right up to the very top. It's official, the Lohan's family plastic surgery hates them more than any other bitch.

I can go on and on about how Ali's freckles have been replaced with zero food and spider leg brows, but I'm going to go sit in my end of the world bunk instead since V was obviously right and the teenage lizard aliens (also see: Courtney Stodden) have finally arrived. While I do that, please bust a CITIZEN'S ARREST on White Oprah or at least leave a trail of Jägerbombs from the rest stop bathroom she passed out in last night to Death Row.

No, this is not a page from the "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.

Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick's to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim's invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it's not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn't put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.

To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don't already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one's vagina. They're both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn't that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It's that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, "Damn, bitch, we're going to make dicks rise tonight!"

Here's more pictures from Kim's second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin's black & white bowel movements.