White Oprah

While Michael Lohan continues to pull secret recorded audio tapes out of his ass (a trick he learned in prison), White Oprah has ordered her attorneys, The Law Offices of Harvey Birdman, to stomp over to the Nassau County District Attorney's office. White Oprah believes that Michael Lohan broke a protective order by recording their telephone conversations.

TMZ reports that in 2005, a judge granted White Oprah a protective order against Michael Lohan, which stated that he cannot contact her by phone or e-mail until 2011. One of the tapes starring White Oprah was recorded in 2008, so Michael obviously said "fuck you" to the order. Michael could be sent back to a prison cell if he's convicted of shitting on the rules.

Don't get me wrong (even though I am all kinds of wrong), Michael Lohan should be licking butt sex gravy off of his cellmate's dick in prison, but what about White Oprah. Didn't she also bust through that protective order by picking up the phone or dialing Michael's number? They need to throw White Oprah's turkey jerky ass into Michael Lohan's cell. Those two skanks deserve each other. Let them eat each other alive.

Now I have an image of them simultaneously butt munching on each other. Why do I hate myself so much?

And for Michael Lohan's sake, I hope prison jumpsuits come with fancy turtlenecks.

Pull up a crate and slip on a Hazmat-made mouth mask, because it's time for another Thanksgiving dinner at the crack house. The menu this time around includes more of the same: Michael Lohan's bullshit casserole (served with a giant side of delusion) and LiLo's tears of denial cocktail (which is basically just Red Bell and wet cigarettes).

Yesterday, Michael Lohan continued the non-stop fun by releasing an audio tape of White Oprah talking about how LiLo has punched her out and thrown her out of a car. I've already filed that image under: Things to think about when you need your mouth to smile.

LiLo has struck back against Michael and defended her beloved mother on Twitter. LiLo regularly holds her mother's weave up while she yacks up last night's party, so of course she's going to continue to fight her fight. LiLo wrote: "she blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did."

Every time LiLo's updates her Twitter, Michael's Twatter burps (they're synced up like that), so he immediately responded to her claims to Page Six:

"That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."

And God is about to take away Michael Lohan's whoopee cushion man titties if he doesn't stop throwing around his good name like that. And those are his only gifts.

Here's White Oprah's defender leaving a house party in Los Angeles night. No need to call child protective services, because I don't think that's a fetus stashed in her womb area. LiLo is just getting creative when it comes where she hides shit she's snatched from other people's houses.

The Lohan family's "Best of the Worst Moments Special" continues thanks to Michael Lohan. Yesterday, Radar posted a taped phone conversation between Michael and LiLo. LiLo addressed the recording on her Twitter by saying that it was recorded years ago and accused her father of editing it for high drama.

LiLo also really ZING-ed it to daddy when she wrote, "I used to think. That he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." Don't HA HA at Lilo. Such a thing exists. It's called "Khloe Kardashian's Official Website."

In addition to all that, LiLo is also looking into filing criminal charges against her father. Well, White Oprah might want to co-sign LiLo's upcoming lawsuit, because she's the star of a new tape Radar has just released.

In the 30-second long clip from last year, White Oprah tells Michael that she has already tried to get their daughter into rehab. White Oprah says, "She's really sad and really hurt and really...despondent. I told her not to go to L.A. at 18...she did. I couldn't leave these other three kids to go get her and it was, like, a mess. You don't even know what I'd go through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff. She'd like, punch me in the face, kick me out of the car...like you don't know the shit I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult."

You're not the only one who just smiled like a farting toddler when you read about White Oprah getting punched out by LiLo. I'm sure Michael will pull a tape of that incident out of his asshole and release it on Pay-Per-View very very soon.

But don't wave a hot knife at Michael Lohan for releasing tapes of his family's private phone conversation. Michael said that he really has no choice. It's the only way to clear HIS good name, "I admit, I'm being a bit selfish in releasing the tapes. But I'm tired of being lied about. I'm tired of Dina and others making me out to be someone I'm not, so now I'm going to prove to the world who the real liars are."

Silly me. Here I was thinking (not really) that Michael releasing the tapes was his strange way of trying to help his daughter. When all along it's been The Michael Lohan Show with special guest Linday Lohan.

White Oprah's charbroiled Slim Jim body may be on this planet, but her brain is still floating around space somewhere. White Oprah proved this in an interview she gave to Page Six at the launch of her new shoe line for mothers turned pimps who constantly have to run from dealers and CPS officers.

White Oprah got into everything from the so-called intervention for LiLo to the name of her shoe line. Make sure to put the voice of reason in your head on mute before reading it, because if you don't, you'll only hear "put a straitjacket on her mouth" over and over again.

WO on Michael Lohan's public intervention for their daughter: "I don't go -- like my ex -- on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her. "I've had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong."

WO on Michael Lohan's behavior: "I can't change Michael to make him do the right thing -- that's up to him and God. But it is hurtful for a child for her own father, whom she has no relationship with, to say things in public about her like that."

WO on Michael Lohan's claims that their daughter is eating up pills by the handful: "I have no idea what he is talking about. I can't comment on everything my ex says."

WO on the critics saying her daughter's Ungaro collection was as worthless as a dehydrated butt nugget: "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius."

WO on bitches getting on her crackhead daughter's case: "Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God."

WO on "Shoe-Han" being the name of her shoe line: "We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name. Lindsay is signed to Ungaro, but she will definitely have input because she is so talented."

Don't read any of that out loud or two men in white coats will come into your home to drag you to the nearest crazy house. Which is what should've happened to White Oprah after she spewed that insane ridiculousness. The. Bitch. Is. CRAAAAAAAZY.

But I will agree with her about Lindsay's "creative talents." I mean, being able to snort a line from across the room is definitely a gift from a high power of GOD.

The last time we left Michael Lohan, he was burping about how his daughter is HONGRAY for prescription pills and how he plans to save her. Well, Michael Lohan is still at the same place we last left him: shouting all sorts of shit to Radar.

This time around, Michael is yammering about how he plans to stage an intervention (Candy Finnigan just queefed, burped and farted at the same time) to save his daughter from the evil doers who keep giving her the bad shit. Don't ask me how Radar can understand a word he says seeing as though his head is shoved up his ass. Maybe the words somehow make their way out of his peen hole? Who knows.

Michael said, “I had a conversation with her, her mother and everyone…over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be doing things in a pretty public way. But Dina has got to get on the same page with me. It’s a serious situation. You can’t just talk about it and tell me that you want to do an intervention and then do nothing. When Lindsay doesn’t adhere or listen to what I say about serious situations, I feel I have to speak publicly to put pressure on her. If she doesn’t take my advice and do what I say…the more pressure I put on her, the more likely she is to eventually do the right thing.”

The intervention will be held at Mulcahy's Pub on Long Island. You can buy tickets at the door for $5. It's BYOA (bring your own Adderrall). White Oprah will open the intervention by strutting around the stage in shoes from her new shoe line "SHOE-HAN." I'm not making the last part up.

Below are pictures from a press conference for White Oprah's new collection of shoes. It's really called "SHOE-HAN." The shoes will be sold at Big Lots, stoop sales, swap meets and lesser known back alley pharmacies beginning next year. They are perfect for crushing your pills down into dust and for kicking your 15-year-old daughter out to work the ho stroll.

In the third thumbnail, I think she's telling the two people there (including Nana Lohan) how big she likes her bottles of Vicodin to be. At first I thought she was telling us how much dignity she has, but we all know her fingers would be much closer together if that was the case.

(Warning: clear your throat before you read the first part) 15-year-old Ali Lohan isn't enrolled in regular school, because she's a full-time student at UCWB (University of Crack Whore Behavior). UCWB's Dean of Famehowhoring, Professor Blohan, has taken little Ali under her raggedy wing to mentor her in what's really important in life: PARTYING.

Life & Style reports that since White Oprah is mostly passed out in the lap of some trucker she picked up the night before, Blohan has been taking care of her younger sister. The two have been doing regular sister bonding activities like smoking and boozing club until dawn. I'm not being sarcastic, that really is a good way for sisters to bond. Hell, it's a good way for everyone to bond. Seriously, if your dog is giving you the silent treatment and throwing you shade, just take that bitch to the local club. By the end of the night, you'll be the second coming of Turner & Hooch!

One witness who was at L.A.'s Crown bar when Blohan and her apprentice were there said, “Lindsay didn’t coddle her or anything. They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her." And another nosy bitch added, “Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around.”

When Life & Style asked Michael Lohan about this, he didn't seem to be worried, “I’m glad Lindsay and Ali remain so close." Yes, Ali Lohan yacking up Alize in a urinal while Blohan kicks at her to hurry up really is a touching picture of sisterly love. Again, I'm not being sarcastic.

And before you start wondering how Ali is getting into these clubs, take a good look at her. Would you card a face like that? Exactly.

Here's the greatest older sister in the world (once again, not sarcasm) heading straight for the gutter in NYC last night.

For a brief moment in the Hamptons on Saturday, everyone's electricity went out, the pipes froze and every bottle of fake tan caca dried up, because White Oprah and Michael Lohan reunited as Satan cackled down below! I think that when White Oprah and Jon Gosselin's partner in douchery touched, a new child star was born in the Disney whore factory.

Here's a few more pictures of the fried leech known as White Oprah, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, Michael and his girlfriend who always looks like she just got a giant shot of Novocaine injected into her gums. If I was forced to kiss on Michael Lohan, I'd be numbing my mouth all the time too.

Living Lohan only lasted one season and White Oprah tells Life & Style that it was her choice to quit that bitch. Yeah, she wants us to believe that she willingly walked away from a working camera. Don't shove chalk up my nose and tell me it's coke!

White Oprah said, "I only did the show to defuse the rumors. And then they wanted us to do these crazy things, like my son cheating on his girlfriend, me faking a pregnancy. I was like, 'No, no, no! They had ideas that weren't conducive to our ideas."

Like we'd believe White Oprah could actually conceive a child. I'm sure Child Protective Services has already confiscated her uterus by law.

The producers probably just asked her to pretend to be a good mother. CRAZY!!!

White Oprah finally pried herself off of the bathroom room floor of some random club to cough up another important statement (smells like coke loogies and Long Island Iced Tea barf) for the media regarding her personal ATM. Specifically, White Oprah wanted to address the accusations that HoHan stole a bunch of joo-ree from an Elle Magazine shoot and also about how daughter's cell phone keeps getting hacked. Lay it out, chop it up, separate and snort yourself some of this:

"Last month her personal cell was posted online and now her phone messages have been hacked. This must stop. She is a 22-year-old girl who needs to live her life in peace. The tabloids need to leave her alone with all the lies and reporting with no proof." White Oprah went on to burp that the story about HoHan stealing shit is "defamatory, false and unfair. Elle made a public statement backing Lindsay." And finally, before she passed out again, she said, "Lindsay has been home with me and her family for awhile now, celebrating her little brother [Cody's] confirmation and his 13th birthday."

Haven't you missed White Oprah's words of delusion?! She's like a suppository for the soul. White Oprah's statements make you regular again. I mean, 22-year-old girl? HA! Leave her alone? Double HA! A good Catholic family? Get me up off the floor! White Oprah slays me every time.

Here's the 22-year-old good Catholic girl going to a church called H.Wood in Los Angeles last night.

Michael Lohan is the always the first skeezer to open up his giant mouth hole whenever a member of his family is in the news for whatever reason. But when it involves him, he sticks his rotten radish head back into his ass.

Page Six says that the devout Christian and high preacher of morals was busted by the cops on April 6th, because he allegedly threatened to kill his fiancee Erin Muller and himself after she tried to quit his ass over his the phone.

Yesterday, Michael, Erin and his lawyer showed up to a court in Long Island so that he could answer to the charges. When a reporter from The NY Post approached them, Michael's lawyer shouted "Plan Two" which caused the dick bag to run off. Michael hid in the car with Erin while his lawyer went inside. Yeah, just a few weeks before, Michael was threatening to off the bitch and there she is hiding his ass in the back of a car. Thinking with your brains: Erin is doing it wrong.

If convicted, Michael could go back to the chokey for a year. Sadly, his parole ended back in February.

Well, at least we know that if we ever want Michael to tuck his dick between his ass checks and run off to hide like a puppy during a thunderstorm, we just have to shout, "PLAN TWO." Now if someone could fully potty train his mouth, so he'd quit dropping caca-covered words everywhere. Now that everyone knows, expect a toilet-full from Michael about this incident in 3...2...