White Oprah

Earlier I posted a highly important news story (eat that with a dollop of whipped sarcasm on top) about White Oprah's plans to hold a press conference today to talk about her new line of eco-friendly toothbrushes. Aaaaaand here's the pictures from that very special press conference which was held in one of the lesser used gates at Port Authority in NYC.

The launch of the Lohan Brush was attended by a college student doing her final thesis on mental illness, a few Japanese tourists (they are everywhere) and a dozen people that White Oprah owes money to.

White Oprah told those who attended that the green Lohan Brush requires no water. This will come in handy when your water has been shut off due to non-payment and you need to clean out your pipe. White Oprah is always thinking about Lindsay. And she really is, because that white brush can double as a taint tickler.

Since Shoe-Han has joined the Labor Pains DVD at the bottom of the barrel, White Oprah needs a new dance to keep her relevant. White Oprah is now focusing all of her attention on eco-friendly tooth brushes! Just call her Green Oprah! No, don't.

Here's the KANYE-FIED press release which is a joke in itself:

LOHAN TO LAUNCH
ECO- FRIENDLY INITIATIVE AND TO INTRODUCE ''THE LOHAN GREEN TOOTH BRUSH'' TODAY IN MANHATTAN AT PRESS CONFERENCE

LINDSAY LOHAN'S MOTHER DINA LOHAN WILL JOIN ENVIRONMENTAL GROUPS AND ORGANIZATIONS IN A MAJOR PRESS CONFERENCE INTRODUCING ONE OF THE FIRST WATER FREE TOOTH BRUSHES IN AMERICA. ''THE AQUA FREEDOM GREEN LOHAN BRUSH'' WILL BE UNVEILED ON AT THE ''GO GREEN EXPO'' ON FRIDAY MARCH 19, 2010 AT 11:30AM AT PIER 92 ON 12th AVENUE & W 55th STREET.THE BRUSH WILL SAVE THE AVERAGE CONSUMER OVER TWO GALLONS OF WATER IN THE BATHROOM A DAY. IT WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR CONSUMERS INTERNATIONALLY IN MAY DURING MOTHERS DAY WEEK. DINA WILL ALSO UNVEIL A GO GREEN INITIATIVE FOR LOCAL NYC FAMILIES.

If the Lohans really wanted to help the environment and go green, they'd move into the nearest compost pile. Aw. I shouldn't say that. White Oprah is trying. Besides, this sort of makes sense since hearing the name "Lohan" causes most people to scrub their entire body down with a toothbrush.

Also, I can't wait until White Oprah extends her line of Lohan dental products by putting out a tube of mint-flavored Adderall paste and teeth-whitening coke strips.

Yesterday morning, accidental comedienne Lindsay Lohan made us all laugh like we've never laughed before when she filed a $100 million (or 500,000 8-balls) lawsuit against E-Trade, because she believes that a Milkaholic baby named Lindsay featured in their Super Bowl commercial was based on her. LiLo was dead serious when she claimed that she is one-name famous like Madonna and Oprah. Don't use that during your set at amateur comedy night or LiLo will sue you for $100 million and White Oprah will call you a little baby.

The New York Post got White Oprah on the phone to get her thoughts on LiLo's lawsuit against E-Trade. White Oprah was gracious enough to clear her schedule of doing nothing to say this: "They're little babies doing this, mocking another child who's just trying to survive Hollywood, basically. I'm just basically glad I took a stand. I'm not going to let them do this to us anymore. Everyone knows Lindsay, like Cher or Madonna."

Oh, White Oprah, you are crazy as you are orange. You are as delusional as you are peroxide-ridden. You are as genius as you are shameless.

I mean, Lindsay Lohan is hardly a child. The girl can drive a car for fucks sake. Wait, um...bad example. The girl can go number 2 by herself for fucks sake. Wait, um...another bad example. The girl can form a complete sentence. Oh fuck. I give up. White Oprah wins! Lindsay is a child. Shame on, E-Trade! Child on child hate is the worst!

White Oprah's big dream of being the Christian Louboutin of the pill-popping child pimp set has been dashed! Last year, White Oprah announced her shoe line called Shoe-Han in an elaborate press conference in the parking lot of a Ross, which was attended by Nana Lohan and a few local drug dealers. White Oprah had big plans to launch the line on Mother's Day of this year, but fortunately for the world Shoe-Han has crashed and burned like Lindsay Lohan at 7am.

Love My Shoes, the company that was going to produce Shoe-Han, has backed out and is blaming the recession. They issued this statement to Fox411: “Love My Shoes regrets to announce we are not moving forward with the Dina Lohan line of shoes at this time due to continued economic sluggishness and the prevalent mood of today’s shoppers. Love My Shoes and its President, Robert Yeganeh, wish Dina continued success in all her projects.”

White Oprah's rep (aka Ali Lohan with a voice changer) said that Love My Shoes was too local for them anyway, and they are looking for an even bigger partner.

An even bigger partner?! That White Oprah sure does get crazy thoughts in her dehydrated brain whenever she tries to think while sober. But seriously, she's right. White Oprah should hit up the pharmaceutical companies, because I'm sure they'll be interested in a line of shoes with a built-in compartment for your pills.

White Oprah is trying to keep the Mike's Hard Lemonade on the table by taking a page out of Gary Coleman's book. Over on the Lohan's official broke down website (which was designed by Nana Lohan after she sniffed too much acrylic glue), White Oprah is selling the family's second-hand shit to the highest bidder.

Now is your chance to own a pair of Juicy Couture jeans (complete with two kinds of skidmarks) once worn by one of the Lohans for the bottom bitch price of $150. You can also get a Nordstrom bag for $100, a pair of Converse for $35 and a Chloe dress for $600. That's in Lohan dollars. In real-life currency that translates into $WAYTOOFUCKINGMUCHFORTHATSHITCRAP.

However, if you do buy a piece of the Lohan dynasty there's a good chance you will find half of an Adderall pill or a Ziploc bag covered in coke residue in one of the pockets. That's a good thing!

On the other hand, there's also a good chance that White Oprah is selling hot merchandise. So if you wear this crap out in a public, someone will probably claim you snatched it from them and call 911 on your ass. That's a bad thing!

It's a gamble.

via Page Six

While Oprah was banging wish bones with Gayle King, and St. Angie supervised Maddox's crank calls to Obama, White Oprah was feeding the world with one scoop of microwaved vegetables at a time! And she did it from the middle of her heart. I would say from the "bottom," but I think that part is already occupied by piles of Adderrall and fake tan dust.

At a pre-Thanksgiving luncheon in Port Washington, NY yesterday, White Oprah and her family shoveled deconstructed Hungry Man meals onto the plates of needy people living with Autism. Afterwards they played a fun game of "Are You Smarter Than A Lohan?," and everyone came out a winner. Everyone except the Lohans.

Here's more of future Nobel Peace Prize winner White Oprah with Ali Lohan (who is obviously in the final stages of menopause), some post-op who just got hit in the head with an anvil and the always-lovable Nana Lohan.

While Michael Lohan continues to pull secret recorded audio tapes out of his ass (a trick he learned in prison), White Oprah has ordered her attorneys, The Law Offices of Harvey Birdman, to stomp over to the Nassau County District Attorney's office. White Oprah believes that Michael Lohan broke a protective order by recording their telephone conversations.

TMZ reports that in 2005, a judge granted White Oprah a protective order against Michael Lohan, which stated that he cannot contact her by phone or e-mail until 2011. One of the tapes starring White Oprah was recorded in 2008, so Michael obviously said "fuck you" to the order. Michael could be sent back to a prison cell if he's convicted of shitting on the rules.

Don't get me wrong (even though I am all kinds of wrong), Michael Lohan should be licking butt sex gravy off of his cellmate's dick in prison, but what about White Oprah. Didn't she also bust through that protective order by picking up the phone or dialing Michael's number? They need to throw White Oprah's turkey jerky ass into Michael Lohan's cell. Those two skanks deserve each other. Let them eat each other alive.

Now I have an image of them simultaneously butt munching on each other. Why do I hate myself so much?

And for Michael Lohan's sake, I hope prison jumpsuits come with fancy turtlenecks.

Pull up a crate and slip on a Hazmat-made mouth mask, because it's time for another Thanksgiving dinner at the crack house. The menu this time around includes more of the same: Michael Lohan's bullshit casserole (served with a giant side of delusion) and LiLo's tears of denial cocktail (which is basically just Red Bell and wet cigarettes).

Yesterday, Michael Lohan continued the non-stop fun by releasing an audio tape of White Oprah talking about how LiLo has punched her out and thrown her out of a car. I've already filed that image under: Things to think about when you need your mouth to smile.

LiLo has struck back against Michael and defended her beloved mother on Twitter. LiLo regularly holds her mother's weave up while she yacks up last night's party, so of course she's going to continue to fight her fight. LiLo wrote: "she blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did."

Every time LiLo's updates her Twitter, Michael's Twatter burps (they're synced up like that), so he immediately responded to her claims to Page Six:

"That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."

And God is about to take away Michael Lohan's whoopee cushion man titties if he doesn't stop throwing around his good name like that. And those are his only gifts.

Here's White Oprah's defender leaving a house party in Los Angeles night. No need to call child protective services, because I don't think that's a fetus stashed in her womb area. LiLo is just getting creative when it comes where she hides shit she's snatched from other people's houses.

The Lohan family's "Best of the Worst Moments Special" continues thanks to Michael Lohan. Yesterday, Radar posted a taped phone conversation between Michael and LiLo. LiLo addressed the recording on her Twitter by saying that it was recorded years ago and accused her father of editing it for high drama.

LiLo also really ZING-ed it to daddy when she wrote, "I used to think. That he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." Don't HA HA at Lilo. Such a thing exists. It's called "Khloe Kardashian's Official Website."

In addition to all that, LiLo is also looking into filing criminal charges against her father. Well, White Oprah might want to co-sign LiLo's upcoming lawsuit, because she's the star of a new tape Radar has just released.

In the 30-second long clip from last year, White Oprah tells Michael that she has already tried to get their daughter into rehab. White Oprah says, "She's really sad and really hurt and really...despondent. I told her not to go to L.A. at 18...she did. I couldn't leave these other three kids to go get her and it was, like, a mess. You don't even know what I'd go through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff. She'd like, punch me in the face, kick me out of the car...like you don't know the shit I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult."

You're not the only one who just smiled like a farting toddler when you read about White Oprah getting punched out by LiLo. I'm sure Michael will pull a tape of that incident out of his asshole and release it on Pay-Per-View very very soon.

But don't wave a hot knife at Michael Lohan for releasing tapes of his family's private phone conversation. Michael said that he really has no choice. It's the only way to clear HIS good name, "I admit, I'm being a bit selfish in releasing the tapes. But I'm tired of being lied about. I'm tired of Dina and others making me out to be someone I'm not, so now I'm going to prove to the world who the real liars are."

Silly me. Here I was thinking (not really) that Michael releasing the tapes was his strange way of trying to help his daughter. When all along it's been The Michael Lohan Show with special guest Linday Lohan.

White Oprah's charbroiled Slim Jim body may be on this planet, but her brain is still floating around space somewhere. White Oprah proved this in an interview she gave to Page Six at the launch of her new shoe line for mothers turned pimps who constantly have to run from dealers and CPS officers.

White Oprah got into everything from the so-called intervention for LiLo to the name of her shoe line. Make sure to put the voice of reason in your head on mute before reading it, because if you don't, you'll only hear "put a straitjacket on her mouth" over and over again.

WO on Michael Lohan's public intervention for their daughter: "I don't go -- like my ex -- on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her. "I've had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong."

WO on Michael Lohan's behavior: "I can't change Michael to make him do the right thing -- that's up to him and God. But it is hurtful for a child for her own father, whom she has no relationship with, to say things in public about her like that."

WO on Michael Lohan's claims that their daughter is eating up pills by the handful: "I have no idea what he is talking about. I can't comment on everything my ex says."

WO on the critics saying her daughter's Ungaro collection was as worthless as a dehydrated butt nugget: "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius."

WO on bitches getting on her crackhead daughter's case: "Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God."

WO on "Shoe-Han" being the name of her shoe line: "We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name. Lindsay is signed to Ungaro, but she will definitely have input because she is so talented."

Don't read any of that out loud or two men in white coats will come into your home to drag you to the nearest crazy house. Which is what should've happened to White Oprah after she spewed that insane ridiculousness. The. Bitch. Is. CRAAAAAAAZY.

But I will agree with her about Lindsay's "creative talents." I mean, being able to snort a line from across the room is definitely a gift from a high power of GOD.