White Oprah

Alleged 15-year-old (wink to Mah Boo) Ali Lohan has been whoring herself all over the place with her big sister and some were asking a very valid question: "Why isn't this old baby face marinating in a classroom?" That's because she's enrolled in The Lohan School of Hard Cocks, I mean, Knocks.

White Oprah told the New York Daily News that it's impossible for Ali to be in school full-time, because she's in HObusiness. White Oprah wiped her nose, cleaned her teefs and said, "She is home schooled. I'm a firm believer in staying in school but, in the business, it's gotten difficult for Ali to be in school."

You know, Ali Lohan would probably be better off being raised by a pack of day-shift hookers (actually, she kind of is, right?), but imagine if you were 15 again and your mom let you be homeschooled. You could sleep until your hangover wore off, watch stories all day, eat junk crap by the gallons, work on your tan and then do like 10-seconds of school work. It would be kind of awesome. Ho stuff 24/7.

However, in a couple of years, Ali is going to be wishing she sat in a math class or two when somebody tells her the dealer gave her 2 grams instead of 5. The more you know (shooting star).

White Oprah had planned to have a good old-fashioned Lohan night out in Hollywood, but the bouncer at the club just wouldn't cooperate! All White Oprah wanted was to get fucked up with her daughters and maybe bond over a line or two in a bathroom stall! Regular family stuff! But the bouncer, who obviously hates family togetherness, denied them entrance.

According to UsWeekly (via The Scoop), White Oprah, Blohan and Ali Lohan tried to get into Villa and failed. White Oprah was told that Ali is too young. White Oprah apparently then pulled out everyone's favorite line that works every time, “Do you know who I am?” And to really stick it to the bouncer's asshole, Blohan added, “You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!”

The bouncer knew who these twats were. If he didn't, he would've held the door open for Ali and given her a senior's discount, because bitch is the perfect definition of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. While White Oprah and Blohan were flipping their coke noses over this, Ali was probably the only one sighing in relief to herself, because someone actually thought she was young! She will never forget that man again!

And White Oprah needs to try harder. The cokey gods didn't give her those Grand Canyon nostrils for no reason. Stick Ali up in there, tell her to hold her breath and then sashay into the club.

Here's Blohan and Ole' Ali killing us softly with fringe while leaving SamRo's house yesterday afternoon.

Earlier, I posted some shit about HoHan saying she just ate a Big Mac when asked about her greasy chicken bone body. Well, HoHan takes her mom's advice. White Oprah talked to Access Hollywood about the subject of her checking account's weight and said, “I’m a mom. If I see my daughter a little thin, I say, ‘Eat more McDonald’s.’”

Okay, are these twats trying to get a deal with McDonald's or something? Because I'm sure there's a McDonald's in Mastic, NY that will let them clean the bathrooms or some shit. They don't need to beg.

No wonder she's knows as the White Oprah, because bitch really is treasure chest of wisdom. She knows what's best for her children. When I was younger and asked my mom for McDonald's, she'd usually say something like, "I'd rather fry up a used roach motel and serve that to you than get you McDonald's." So White Oprah is better at mothering than my own mother. That's why all of White Oprah's children are the epitome of health. They are so lucky.

White Oprah went on to yap more about it, because once you get the whore on the phone, you just can't get her off! “I don’t know why people care about other people’s weight. I think they should look in their own mirror and stare at themselves. I told Lindsay I think she’s a little thin. But we go through this every couple of months. My daughter is happy and healthy and that’s all that really matters.”

I would tell this raggedy ass skeezer of a mother that she's the one who needs to look in the mirror, but that's impossible for her to do! Every mirror in her house is probably lying on a table and covered in cokey dust.

You might want to hold your throat before you read this first part: here's 15-year-old (hold it tight) Ali OLDhan posing in Times Square yesterday for photographer Jonathan Ressler’s “Extraordinary Women Exhibit” (HOLD IT). Oh shit. Your throat just jumped out and ran the fuck away, didn't it? Go take a net to that shit. Your social life will tank without your throat. We'll wait for you.

Has Jonathan Ressler been hanging out with our girl Allison, because he's definitely been sniffing on some computer duster. And this is not walking on sunshine. I mean, how did Ali fall into the "extraordinary women" category? White Oprah probably fell on Jonathan's dick and that's how she made this happen.

Shouldn't this girl be in school anyway? She shouldn't be outside freezing her illegal plastic tittay sacks in the middle of Times Square looking like one of the Hookers at the Point in dire need of a Swan makeover. Being one of White Oprah's children will eff you up. The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, indeed.

And what would I give to be Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's South American houseboy this morning. That lucky bitch gets to be the first one to hear what Mah Boo has to say about this while he's sipping his freshly squeezed Tang juice.

It wouldn't be a Lohan family holiday without a public bitchfest! After taking a small break from fighting through MySpace and the media, HoHan and her dumb fuck daddy are at it again. Yesterday, HoHan wrote about her half-sister during a MySpace rant. She basically confirmed that Ashley Kaufman is indeed her daddy's kid. Remember that shit? If not, click here to get caught up on that mess. And here's a little of the touching holiday message HoHan wrote yesterday:

i think that people go through a lot in life. and the things that we go through, whatever they may be, simply just make us stronger in the long run... that is, if we actually take what it is we have learned from our mistakes and teach ourselves what NOT to do in the future. i have gone through a lot in my past, and to be completely honest, i am still going through a lot right now.. my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wow- do i sound like "debbie downer" or what? not trying to be...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
I love my mom, aliana, cody, michael, and my nana sullivan!! i will be missing them this christmas as it is the first one i am spending away from home. i am spending it with Samantha in Los Angeles.
yours truly,

She also wrote some shit about Brit Brit Spears being an amazing talent or something. That must be the fucking fresh "Christmas snow" talking. Or possibly the holly that somehow made its way into her bong. Wait. Can you smoke up holly or mistletoe? I should try that later. It might make this Christmas Day extra Christmas-ey.

Anyway, of course, Michael Lohan couldn't keep his caca mouth shut! He responded in an e-mail to People. He denied everything that HoHan wrote. He also accused SamRo of writing the whole post as HoHan. Yup. Blame the lesbian! Michael Lohan blames the poor little lesbian for fucking everything! He needs to get ass fucked by an angry dyke who majored in strap-on pounding. I know a few that would volunteer for the damn.

You know, the Lohans could solve this shit with just one half-episode of Maury. Seriously, if they weren't famous, they would already be on that show for some reason or another.

And I doubt White Oprah is going to release one of her epic statements. She's probably passed out with her face in the Christmas tree stand. Hopefully, Nana kicked her head to the side so she doesn't drown in the Christmas tree water. We won't hear from White Oprah until at least February. The bitch will be in a drunk coma until then. It's the holidays!

Here's HoHan with that evil lesbian buying presents yesterday.

Forty...I mean...fourTEEN year old Aliana Lohan won't be able to drive legally for another year or so, but she already can't wait to start driving. Don't worry, I'm sure by the time she turns 16, a law will be passed banning all Lohans from getting behind the wheel.

Ali told Life & Style, "I’m so excited. I always ask my mom, ‘Can I drive your car in the parking lot?’ And she’s like, ‘No.’” And what kind of car does she want? “I want a BMW truck!”

I've heard of BMW SUVs before, but I've never heard of something called a BMW "truck." I figured that since Ali's life is filled with luxury, the BMW truck is only something classy people know about. So I decided to google "BMW truck" and this came up:

OH! My uncle used to have one of those! It always sat in his front yard on two bricks. Right next to his custom-made Nissan Sentra convertible!

....and they won first and second place!! Finally the Lohans win something! No, unfortunately they were only judges at the dog costume contest and not contestants. I don't think they fit the age requirement seeing as both them are at least 45. For real, when is White Oprah going to realize that even though her daughter looks like she's old enough to run for president (oh god no), she's really only 14! Well, allegedly 14 according to mah boo Anderson Cooper.

Ali looks like a morning-shift cocktail waitress at Cherri Bombs strip club, who was forced to come into work with a hangover on Halloween, because she needed the cash to make her weekly rent. This is too much to process. And I don't know what kind of gutter kitty cats Ali has been around, but I've never seen a kitten wearing a mesh top, a douche armband tattoo, Wite Out nail polish, a bow tie and an orange clown nose!

White Oprah and Ali definitely get the Pedigree stamp of approval!

HoHan's war of words with her deranged daddy has gotten so bad that she feels she needs to take out an order of protection against him. According to Page Six, HoHan is afraid Michael Lohan is going to do something to her. A source said: "He's behaving so erratically that she's terrified he'll do something to her. She's contacted her lawyer to arrange this."

Michael Lohan is all fucking talk. If HoHan is so afraid of his psychotic ass, she should just wear a necklace of anal dildos. He won't get near that dark-sided shit. On second thought, he was in jail......

The source claims White Oprah and her 45-year-old daughter Ali also have an order of protection against him.

White Oprah has been so quiet during all of this nonsense. It's not right. I bet you she's behind all of this! I won't be surprised if we find out that Michael Lohan has been locked up in the basement while White Oprah gleefully sends out batshit crazy e-mails as him.

The war of stupid words between HoHan and Michael Lohan is over....for now. Michael released a statement to E! saying he took a really big shit. After that, he issued another statement saying HoHan will show up to his father's funeral in New York. Michael's daddy "literally passed away" in his arms last week.

Michael said: "She is going to be at the burial. All my kids will be there. My father always wanted to be cremated. He wanted to have his ashes sprinkled in our county in Cold Spring Harbor, in the harbor. That was his favorite spot. So that is what we are going to do. We are going to get on our boat with probably like 50 or 60 people and go out. We are just going to sprinkle them together as a family."

There are maps available to paparazzi and tabloid reporters to the exact location of his father's funeral. There will also be a "meet and greet" before the burial and Michael will sign autographs after. If you can't make it, I'm sure there will be plenty of footage on "The Insider" or "Entertainment Tonight."

Michael went on to talk about White Oprah. He only had nice things to say about her. "And I can't believe how great Dina has been. She has been wonderful. She has been the woman I married. She has been great."

Somebody get the Catholic church on the phone. When a crazy man who has nothing but intense hate for her describes her as "wonderful," it's time to call in a priest. We need the priest to expel the happy spirit that is obviously taking over White Oprah's body.

Here's some pictures of HoHan with some blonde and a hipster scarecrow trolling the streets of NYC yesterday.

I used this picture of White Oprah with HoHan, because this whole Lohan feud just isn't the same without her. White Oprah brings her own special brand of attention whoreness to a situation. I hope she wakes up from her cokey coma soon and puts her skills to good use.

Michael Lohan already issued a statement shortly after his dad "literally died in his arms," trashing White Oprah. He issued ANOTHER paragraph of verbal caca to E!. He said:

"Lindsay did reach out to me. She sent me a message this morning. She said, 'Now papa has found peace and maybe we can find peace in our lives, too.' "

Only a few hours after Michael barfed out those words. HoHan took to her MySpace and responded:

the boy who cries wolf
Current mood: busy
Category: Life

just going to put it out there, i have had no contact with my father.
and i hope he uses this time to keep mourn the loss of his father, rather than taking the time to talk to the media about me or anyone in my life.
better he just keeps his mouth shut.

on another note-
im having fun on the set of Ugly Betty, the cast is great, the crew is great, and it's nice to be at work, doing what i love to do!

xoxox

There's something to be said about the fact that White Oprah is coming off as the least shady bitch in this whole drama. Something in the milk really ain't clean.

I'm beginning to think that this whole thing has been planned out. They're saving the best for last. White Oprah is going to appear in the grand finale where she will deliver the mother of all statements. The kind of statement that will make your eyes roll to the back of your head.

In the meantime, the eight ball is in your pocket, Michael Lohan.