White Oprah

With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ's sources (fun fact: "One of TMZ's sources" is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo's entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she's eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian's pussy eats black dick and she's drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day ("What's wrong with that?" says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn't finish all of the second bottle? For shame.

Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo's manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn't happen. But since that intervention didn't happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody's father, but that's not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he's going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael Lohan knows that a dog's dried dingle would make a better conservator than him, so he's asking the judge to make somebody else her conservator. Anybody but LiLo's mom/wallet leech White Oprah. 

Michael is also making plans to get LiLo into rehab and away from all the bad influences around her. Michael also hopes that if a judge orders that LiLo needs a life controller, he hopes that life controller will talk White Oprah into going to family therapy.

Michael Lohan's brain actually farted up a good idea, but the court should take this all the way. The court should put the ENTIRE Lohan family under a conservatorship. It should be illegal for every member of the Lohan family to make decisions for themselves. Michael Lohan needs a conservator to tell him to stop getting a check by using his daughter's name and to make his own money by getting a real job as a day salesman at a mid-range car dealership since he already has the outfit for it (see picture above). White Oprah needs a conservator to force her to get a sanity cell implanted in her brain since hers was eaten away by low-grade coke a long time ago. And Ali Lohan needs a conservator to hire Liam Neeson to save her from the Korean sex ring her mom forced her into.

And here's LiLo looking like Julie Cooper's mom at a press conference for Liz & Dick.

Because Lindsay Lohan's rep faked their death, changed their name and moved to a small village in Pakistan to get away from her crazy ass, she had to call Harvey Levin at TMZ herself to keep her dedication to delusion alive by mouth barfing up a bunch of shit out of a bull's messy ass. LiLo says that her 4am fight with her mom was just a regular mother and daughter fight. You know, because you totally fight in the back of a limo with your mom after doing body shots off of the same shirtless dude at the cluuuuuuub. It's kind of like how my mom and I fight about my eating habits in her Volkswagen after driving back from lunch at fucking Coco's. Just like that.

LiLo said that she had no idea Michael Lohan was recording her and she also didn't mean it when she said that White Oprah was coked up. No, of course, White Oprah wasn't coked up. Bitch was just high from snorting crushed Adderall, Xanax, Vicodin, Ecstasy and from vag-chugging Red Bull in the bathroom. That's all. Oh, and Blohan also said that Michael Lohan is dead to her, probably because he refused to give her a cut of the money he made from selling that tape to TMZ. Don't you hate it when fathers do that? I'll let TMZ tell you the rest:

Lindsay Lohan deeply regrets her blowout argument with her mother Dina Lohan -- telling TMZ, what she said on the audio recording was NOT true ... her mother was NOT on cocaine during the fight.

Lindsay called in to "TMZ Live" moments ago -- telling us, "I told my dad a really hurtful and untruthful lie about my mom. She was not on cocaine."

Lindsay says her father Michael Lohan betrayed her trust by releasing a recording of her desperate phone call to the media.

Lindsay tells us, turning to her father in a moment of desperation was a massive mistake and she is now "done" with him forever -- adding, Michael "doesn't know what it means to be a father. He doesn't want to be a dad."

What is this bitch's life? Calling in to TMZ to tell them that she lied about her mom being coked up and that she can't wait to piss on her father's ashes? I'm beginning to think that the Lohans were created by the Department of Mental Health to make all of us feel better about our fucked up families.

UPDATE: The audio has been yanked down, so click here to listen to some wonderful family bonding.

"Dad, Mom's On Cocaine" really should be the title for Lindsay Lohan's Mommie Dearest-like tell-all. That's a GOOD title.

Because Michael Lohan is a loving and caring father who always wants the best for his daughter, he pressed the record button when Lindsay Lohan called his charbroiled turtle-looking ass last night to cry about how she was being kidnapped by her mom and the limo driver. Michael Lohan sold the tape to TMZ, because again, he's a loving and caring father, and because mesh shirts don't grow on trees.

As most of us know, Michael Lohan called the cops last night after the twin terrors of Long Island, LiLo and White Oprah, got into it. The story goes that after partying until 4am in Manhattan, LiLo wanted the limo to take her back to her hotel in the city, but White Oprah wanted the car to take her back to Long Island. Why the driver didn't take LiLo to her hotel first and then take White Oprah home is beyond me. These are the Lohans I'm talking about, they want to make shit as extra dramatic as possible.

Sometime during the ride, the two messes started fighting about the $40,000 LiLo gave White Oprah to save her house from foreclosure. White Oprah didn't want to give it back and that's when LiLo called Michael Lohan. The tape is a mess. It's dysfunction's official soundtrack. At one point, LiLo tells Michael that White Oprah is on coke and keeps scratching her neck.

You know, Lindsay Lohan is the loser here and she should be ashamed of herself. That entitled piece of buzz-killing trash. Poor White Oprah. White Oprah probably just had the night of her life! There she was, popping her 50-year-old pussy with a bunch of 20-somethings at the club. White Oprah was thinking to herself, "Mama's still got it!" while doing it Gangnam Style on top of a table. Then she gazed into the crowd and caught a hot dude making eye contact with the plastic baggie of coke hanging out of her coochie. White Oprah winked at him and they both made their way to the bathroom where they did lines off of the toilet seat before she barfed in his mouth a little bit while they made out. They tried to exchange numbers, but White Oprah forgot what numbers were, so they just had to keep that beautiful moment in their hearts and remember it forever.

So White Oprah was high on coke and LIVING LIFE and that whiny Lindsay Lohan had to ruin it all by asking for her money back. What a bitch. White Oprah has totally sucked more dicks than Lindsay Lohan has, so she should get some respect!

And my favorite part of the tape is when Michael Lohan's threatening to call the Feds (eye roll) on the driver and the driver's like, "What's up? How you doing?" I love that driver.

White Oprah recently told the NYDN that she never EVER parties with her daughter, which is why she partied with her daughter in NYC early this morning. TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah left the Electric Room at the Dream Hotel at around 4 and were driving back to Long Island when they started yelling at each other in the car. When they got to White Oprah's Long Island crack den, they started doing what most cracked out, drunken daughters do with their cracked out, drunken mother: they brawled! To quote the poet Aviva Drescher from The Real Housewives of NYC: "You're both white trash, quite frankly!"

Who ever called 911 (SPOILER ALERT: their family dealer) told the operator that LiLo had a cut on her leg and White Oprah broke one of her bracelets during their fight. The caller also told the operator that White Oprah and the driver kept LiLo in the car against her own will. The cops thanked both LiLo and White Oprah for keeping them in business and then took a domestic incident report, but didn't arrest anybody.

These low-rent, gutter slime hags really think they're Christina and Joan Crawford:

Try again, whores! LiLo and White Oprah could never bring it like Christina and Joan.

But seriously, this is just sad. It's a tragic day when a ho turns on her pimp over the last bump in an 8-ball. Especially since if it wasn't for the pimp teaching the ho how to give a sloppy beej in a club bathroom for an 8-ball, they wouldn't have that 8-ball in the first place! It hurts me thinking about how White Oprah broke a glass bong on the wall to cut a bitch up. That was a Lohan family heirloom. Oh, White Oprah, if you want to win the Pimp of the Year Award at the Players Ball this year, get your ho in check!

UPDATE: Some source tells Radar that White Oprah and LiLo got into a tussle over money. LiLo gave White Oprah $40,000 after partying in the club and during their road home she decided she wanted it back. Well, well, well... I see that the ho is getting bold and didn't want to give her pimp a cut of the pussy peddling money she made.

As we all saw on the anti-drug PSA episode of Dr. Phil, White Oprah is not only the epitome of a responsible mother, but she's also a role model to all young women and she knows this which is why she'd never EVER party with her own daughter. The NYDN went from Long Island bar to Long Island bar and eventually they found White Oprah slumped under a pay phone while yelling at the cord dangling in front of her for calling her a bad mother. They waved half of a Xanax at her face, which made her slur out, "Half a Xanax? That'll get you one handy with a spit job. Drop 'em." When the NYDN told her they wanted to ask her a few questions instead, she agreed! It's nice to know that wherever you are and whatever you're doing, White Oprah is probably spitting out the opposite of the truth to some reporter.

On if she's true that she boozed it up with her daughter on her birthday: “My 80-year-old mother was there, and she’s Italian-American, and to be able to have a glass of red wine there for her is normal for our family. “Some people who want to quit drinking do it cold turkey and some do it gradually — you want to keep a balance. I don’t know what’s a right way or a wrong way.”

On how all of the illegal shit LiLo does should be blamed on her assistant Gavin: “I have questions about Gavin. There have been numerous incidents with Lindsay where he has been present. He was with her recently at [millionaire Sam Magid’s] party when she was falsely accused of burglarizing jewelry. It’s all very sketchy.”

On how she totally doesn't party with her daughter: “I don’t party with Lindsay. In the early years, I would go with her to clubs, because I wanted to see who the enablers were.”

"Because I wanted to see who enablers were." This bitch is a master at turning excuses out of a bull's colon into one hundred percent comedy! That really is a good line and she should take it even further."I only downed that entire bottle of vodka, because I wanted to make sure my SOBER daughter wasn't tempted! I only stole that money out of my daughter's purse, because I didn't want anybody else to steal it out of her purse! I only did all those lines on the table, because I wanted to make sure it was crushed Tic Tacs and not coke! It was coke!"

And here's LiLo carrying Domingo Zapata child in NYC last night. Domingo Zapata is that really rich "friend" of LiLo's. Either that boy is getting second-hand high from being that close to LiLo's face or his tummy hurts from all the diamond rings she made him swallow at Cartier.

This is coming from Michael Lohan, so take it with a grain of salt. And yes, that grain of salt is actually coke, so snort it up. At least you're getting something out of this.

So the charbroiled turtle known as Michael Lohan tells Radar that Dr. Phil's show put a total of zero dollars in his hands to talk about what a mess Lindsay Lohan's mom is, and he claims that she was paid $50,000. This does make some sense, because White Oprah was sitting there like a strung out patient rocking back and forth, spewing nonsense and just waiting for the doctor to write her a prescription so she can grab it and run to the pharmacy like it's pay day. Everything about her in that interview said: "I love drugs and I need this check to buy more!" Michael put it like this:

"I got absolutely NOTHING. It’s the first question Dr. Phil asked me but they cut that out. Dina DID get $50,000 and that’s why they were pissed that she didn’t give them the interview they wanted.

[She'll spend it by] having another party. And telling the kids (mostly Lindsay) that she’s broke.”

Bitch, please, like Dr. Phil was pissed. As soon as the interview ended, White Oprah stumbled out of there, crawled down the hallway, found his dressing room and searched his make-up drawers for an empty prescription pad before passing out in a pile of his stache brushes. While she was doing that, Dr. Phil jumped on his chair and wheeeeeeeee-ed his chonies off, because if anybody loves a train falling off the rails and crashing, it's him! Dr. Phil knew that White Oprah falling to the bottom would make his show rise to the top.

If Dr. Phil didn't pay her, he should, because she gave him some Jessica Lange in Blue Sky meets Neely O'Hara. Bitches win Oscars for that shit!

If you missed today's episode of Dr. Phil with a high as three shades of hell White Oprah, then just take a smug bullfrog and a mangy alley dog hopped up on uppers, downers and middlers, and watch as the latter stares and giggles at the former until it passes out in a puddle of its own drool. Or just watch the supercut Vulture put together. Pharmacists should put the url of this video on the bottles of painkillers warning bitches on what can happen when you mix your pills with equal parts pills and delusion.

Dr. Phil started off the interview by saying that Lindsay Lohan's pimp and enabler called up his producers to say that she wanted to show the world the real her. White Oprah showed us the real her alright and the real her is a slurring, pilled-up disaster who talks and lies just like her daughter. White Oprah didn't want to talk about anything and I'm guessing she was only there because Dr. Phil put her up in a hotel and she wanted to swallow the mini bar whole.

Dr. Phil asked her about how Michael Lohan used to beat her, but she didn't want to talk about that. Dr. Phil asked her about how Michael Lohan broke into her house, but she didn't want to talk about that. Dr. Phil asked her about how Michael Lohan claims she stole $4,000 out of LiLo's purse, but she didn't want to talk about that. White Oprah just awkwardly giggled, pretend cried, commented on Dr. Phil's shoes and kept asking if the cameras were rolling. Yes, the cameras are rolling, bitch, and so are you. You're rolling on ecstasy, booze and whatever pills you stole from Nana Lohan's medicine cabinet.

Meanwhile, Dr. Phil sat there like a condescending fart bubble and acted like he was concerned and cared, but he was totally squealing out rainbows on the inside, because he knew this mess would be ratings gold.

White Oprah asking Dr Phil "Can we pound to that?" and him turning her down sums up this whole smug vs. crazy train wreck. When you ask Dr. Phil if he wants to pound (any kind of pounding) and he turns you down, that confirms that there is a rock bottom under rock bottom and you've reached it.

The last time the drunk leach on Lindsay Lohan's wallet and Cookie Puss' arch rival White Oprah tore her mouth away from an economy-sized bottle of Popov vodka to proudly represent the definition of delusion in an interview, it was a stuttering disaster of a magical mess. White Oprah's legendary trainwreck interview with Matt Lauer became AA's 13th step: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Well, for her encore, White Oprah sat down with the real Oprah's humanized hemorrhoid, Dr. Phil, to talk about how she's an enabling piece of raggedy trash and has the parenting skills of a cracked meth pipe. The full interview airs on Monday, but because nothing will get eyes on your show like the promise of a showdown between a testicle with a stache and a drunken, giggling pile of weave hair, a 60-second teaser has been released. It's 60 seconds of YES and I love it when an exploiter exploits an exploiter.

Somewhere, the doctor who delivered LiLo is tearing up his medical license as punishment for not giving her to a pack of hobos in the hospital alleyway so she could stand some kind of chance at living a normal life.

And "You're in your little tie and your little shoes...." is now my favorite line to spit at a ho who is judging me for being a boozed-up disaster.

via Lainey Gossip 

Every now and again, the original Lohan grifter needs to remind herself that she's completely shame deficient and still has the skills needed to successfully swindle a trick. The bitch still does! Page Six says that the master con artist behind the infamous Cookie Puss Scheme of 2010 and her brother Paul Anthony Sullivan, who was convinced of fraud in 2008, were guests at a charity event in the Hamptons. The organizers of the event gave White Oprah four free tickets, but she showed up with 8 hos in total, because everything you say to a Lohan goes in one ear and out the left nostril. Not only did White Oprah show up with 8 whores, but she skipped out on a $2,500 check and didn't even leave a coke booger for the servers. "I am so shocked by this!" said ONLY Lindsay Lohan since the coke mash of delusion in her head is always in opposite land.

The charity event was held at Andrra restaurant and all proceeds benefited the Clamshell Foundation. (I know, I don't like it either that the Clamshell Foundation sounds like a pet name Lindsay Lohan gave to her 'gina.) After the event, White Oprah and Brother Paul were served with a bill for $2,500 and they immediately exploded into a whiskey tornado of crazy. A source says that Brother Paul screamed at the organizers and they agreed to lower the bill down to $1,100. But instead of paying that $1,100, White Oprah, Brother Paul and their gang of charity haters skipped out without even leaving a penny. The owner of Andrra, Rich Silver, confirmed that White Oprah didn't pay shit, but he wouldn't say anything more.

Of course, Brother Paul is right on time and let out this river of denial:

“This is a total lie. My written and verbal agreement with Rich Silver was to comp dinner for 8 to 10 guests, six people ate. There was not to be any bill. Then you get a bill for $2,500?

Dina was strictly invited as a guest and had nothing to do with paying anything. This is totally false. There is no bill to pay. I paid $500 for drinks, and I will wire a tip tomorrow.”

"I will wire a tip tomorrow" is a good line. We have to give that Brother Paul. And if Rich Silver gives up his wire details to White Oprah, he shouldn't be surprised if suddenly thousands of dollars are mysterious wired from his account to several off-shore accounts. Speaking of not being surprised....

What did the organizers of that event expect? When you invite a Lohan to your party, you're going to be left with an empty bar, a toilet clogged with booze barf and at least half of your valuables missing. That is why when you make the mistake of inviting a Lohan over, you should immediately replace all your silver coke spoons with Dixie plastic coke spoons and you should hide your valuables in a safe place the Lohans will never go...like a shower.

I doubt White Oprah only skipped out on the check. That's some amateur shit (see: pictures of LiLo leaving Mr. Chow last night after probably skipping out on the check.) I bet that during the event, Cody Lohan was outside by the valet stand with dirt on his face, a fake cast on his leg and a cup for people to slip 20s in since everyone was in the charity-giving mood. Then White Oprah sashayed out, barked at Cody to give her 75% of his take and gave the valet guy a ticket she slipped out of a dude's jacket while inside of the party. They drove off in a stolen Mercedes and headed straight for the Lohan family chop shop.

Yes, much-anticipated! Dozens of unlicensed pharmacists in the Long Island area have been anticipating for White Oprah to finally get a job so they can get paid the way they did during the glory days of Living Lohan.

White Oprah's sedated face will not only make an appearance on one reality show, but it will make an appearance on two. White Oprah needs to star in an episode of Intervention and a few episodes of TLC's Cell Block 6: Female Lock Up, but in the meantime she's shooting episodes of Vh1's Hollywood Exes and a yet to be picked up show called DramaMamas.

Vh1 has Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Mob Wives, Hip Hop Wives, Drug Dealer Wives, Veterinary Assistant Wives, Ping Pong Champions Wives, Mail Man Wives, Blah Blah Wives and now they have Hollywood Ex-Wives! TMZ says that Hollywood Exes stars the ex pieces of Prince, R. Kelly, Jose Canseco, Eddie Murphy and Will Smith. White Oprah isn't a regular on that mess, but the producers brought her in to spice shit up. You know, because every reality show needs a comic relief who will get caught licking up the leftover booze in a bar back's bin and whose catchphrase will be, "Are you going to drink that?"

DramaMamas is basically a Dance Moms knock-off and Zap2It says the show will follow the moms of the child stars of a Broadway-bound musical. White Oprah is apparently one of the producers of the musical, because nothing needs to make sense anymore, so why not? But seriously, nothing good can come out of White Oprah producing a show starring children. I'm sure that for the show's big finale, the adorable children will dance into the audience and sneakily steal the audience members' rings and watches before dropping that shit into a giant sack held by White Oprah.

I'm happy that White Oprah is finally making a little money, which means she won't sell little Cody Lohan's internal organs to the highest bidder just yet, but I have one question. Why in the hell hasn't Nana Lohan gotten her own show yet?!