White Oprah

When someone close to you passes away, you usually mourn their death by crying, watching Sally Field movies or eating a whole tub of Breyer's. Not Michael Lohan. His daddy died and what does he do? Issue a statement to OK! Magazine trashing White Oprah. Naturally. Michael is re-defining the meaning of "famewhore." Here's his rant:

"My father just, literally, died in my arms. I notified all my kids and my lawyer notified Dina's attorney. Let's see if she has the decency and respect to bring my kids to the wake and funeral.

THIS will show her true colors! Thus, not even a call. But that's par for the course with Dina! She didn't even send a card or visit when he was sick."

Pepaw Lohan was probably taking his last breaths when Michael said, "Sorry Pop! I gotta run. OK!'s offices are closing in a bit. See ya when I see ya." Even Satan is saying, "Damn. That's cold."

I'm sure he'll trash White Oprah some more while delivering his daddy's eulogy.

Will Michael please just crawl into a rotten apple already and stay there for the rest of his days.

America's new sweetheart? Sourfart is more like it. Now, I don't know what "Supermodels Unlimited" magazine is, but I'm pretty sure the only place they publish it is at Six Flags Magic Mountain. This mess looks like it was put together in a booth next to the popcorn stand.

Do you know what I'm babbling about? When I was younger, one of my favorite things to do at an amusement park was to get my picture taken for the cover of some generic magazine. My gay ass would usually choose "FASHION" or "CUTE" magazine. Thankfully, I've burned that shit along with my Barbizon diploma. Some things are better left unseen.

That's totally what White Oprah and Ali Lohan did. Or maybe thanks to the magic of the interwebs, they used MagMyPic.com. They should have went with "Vague" magazine. It would've made more sense.

Here's more of 45-year-old Ali in that Supermodels Unlimited mess. Homegirl is in dire need of a Glamour Shots makeover.

Michael Lohan has confirmed to E! that he's engaged, but it's not official. Yeah, what?! Michael asked his longtime girlfriend Erin Muller to be his wife, but he's not ready to announce anything. The man is not good in the brains. Fucking White Oprah is bad for your mental health.

Michael said, "We picked out a ring, but it's not official." He said they will officially announce their engagement when "some family issues are resolved." He doesn't realize what he's saying. Somebody please pack Michael a paper bag lunch and immediately put his dumb ass on the short bus.

The family issues Michael is talking about have to do with his father's health. He's also waiting to find out if he's the father of 13-year-old Ashley Kaufman. The paternity test results still have not come in. I don't know why they went through the trouble of getting a DNA test. They could have just asked Ashley what 1 +1 is. If she said, "HUH?" then we know she's related to Michael.

Michael, being the mega famewhore that he is, also talked to E! about SamRo. He said, "People like Samantha Ronson don't need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn't be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it's not right. I'm done with them." Again. Put him on the short bus NOW! Words are coming out of his mouth, but he has no idea what he's saying. Who's calling who a fucking user?

And Erin needs to take a good look at the cell phone strapped to Michael's waist. That says it all.

The Silver Fox has once again taken out his claws and sunk them into White Oprah. It's going to take weeeeks to get the grease out of his claws. As you know, Anderson Cooper basically called Ali Lohan an alleged 14-year-old who wants to be a striptease person on "Regis & Kelly" yesterday morning.

White Oprah responded with, "People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him." Seriously, that's all she said. I feel totally ripped off.

Well, Andy has kept the fun and games going. Last night, he responded to her response. He said that White Oprah probably didn't see his comment live "because she was out clubbing and it's on early in the morning. So she was probably just rollin' home." He went on to say that he "feels bad" for Ali Lohan, but that she shouldn't be in a shitty reality show.

I just want to be put on a rubber suit and go silver diving into Andy's pubic bush. I especially love it when he giggles like a Tickle Me Elmo doll.

This is White Oprah's second chance to really come back with the statement of all statements! Or they can settle it the way I always like to settle things: CAGE FIGHT! White Oprah already comes oiled up. And I'm sure Andy already has the outfit.

VIA ONTD

White Oprah has already responded to Anderson Cooper's comments about 45-year-old Ali Lohan on "Regis & Kelly" this morning.

Mah Boo Andy spoke the truth when he said, "Allegedly a 14-year-old girl, looks to be about 60... I say that with concern and love. She allegedly wants to be a singer and or actor-slash-performer of some sort, striptease person, I don't know." Striptease person! That sounds so respectable. I'm going to tell all my stripper friends to refer to themselves as a "striptease person."

I couldn't wait to read one of White Oprah's epic statements in response to the Silver Fox. Seriously, I was expecting her to call him a "stupid nancy boy meanie" or something! But this is all she said to OK! Magazine, "People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him."

Huh? Karma? The best she could do is pull a Sharon Stone? Did White Oprah knock her head on the coke plate or something? This is not like her. Hopefully, this is just a tiny preview on what's to come tomorrow.

And what's cruel is the fact that she's whoring out her "allegedly 14-year-old" no talent daughter.

Anderson Cooper filled in for Regis on "Regis & Kelly" this morning and the conversation turned to the Long Island trainwreck known as "Living Lohan."

Andy must have thought he was having cosmos with the girls, because he said, “Ali Lohan is supposed to be 14 but really she’s more like 60." What a bitch! Andy can slap me on the ass and call me 60 any day.

And do you hear that? It's the sound of White Oprah busting out of her third spray tanning session of the day and running to her computer. She's going to put those Lee Press-Ons to fucking work. Andy better shut down his inbox, because here comes one of White Oprah's long ass statements and you know that bitch asks for a return receipt.

White Oprah doesn't know who she's messing with. If that bitch fucks with MAH BOO, I will rip off Ali's annoying choker and use it to whip the bullshit out of White Oprah.

UPDATE: Here's the video of Anderson ripping into "Living Lohan." We truly need to become best girlfriends.

VIA Lainey Gossip

Thanks Debra

First of all, there's that choker again..... That thing makes me want to vomit poop, which is totally possible, but we'll save that story for another day. Or not. So! White Oprah is apparently livid after finding out that her 14-year-old (going on 45-year-old) daughter unwittingly auditioned for a well-known porn director.

On Sunday night's episode of the caca fiesta known as "Living Lohan," Ali gave a shit ass audition for the movie "Troll." One of the dudes she read for was Peter Davy, an award-winning porn director. TMZ reports that he's directed such porn hits as "Breast Wishes 14," "Bun Busters 12" and "Voodoo Lust." Ooooh, that last one sounds like a real hand jerker.

White Oprah claims she had no idea about Peter's past. Her rep (probably Nana Lohan) told UsWeekly, “Ali obviously had no idea about Davy’s past. If she did know, she never would have auditioned for him.” You see how the rep said ALI had no idea. I mean, you know White Oprah knew what was going on. Bitch probably worked with him once.

Even though Ali's audition made my TV turn off, she still got the role. Seriously, my TV really turned off while I was watching it. Ali only got the role because White Oprah sat on Peter's face and agreed to star in "Bun Busters 13."

I'm beginning to think that the fug ass choker Ali Lohan always wears is what's holding up her neck. She must be taking fashion advice from White Oprah. You know what's worse? I decided to google "Ali Lohan choker" to see if there were people out there that hated her choker as much as I did. I want to start a group called "Sluts Against Ali Lohan's Choker." We all need a cause. Anyway, my google search led me to this question someone posted on Yahoo:

Where can you buy a black coker, like Ali Lohan wears?
I don't like her, but I like that black choker she always wears on 'Living Lohan'. Does anyone know where to get one? Links appreciated!

Black coker? She needs to ask White Oprah about that one. This is a bigger problem than I thought! Someone out there actually wants to wear one of Ali Lohan's black "cokers." I'm so tempted to write this lost child with, "I don't know where you can buy a black coker, but I do know where you can by a noose."

Here's 45-year-old Ali, SamRo, SamRo's twin sissy, HomoHan and White Oprah leaving the Bowery Hotel in NYC. White Oprah has that lovely "coke and vodka" glow about her.

White Oprah, just collect your baggy of boogie sugar, head to the nearest stall, lock the door and stay in there all night. When you're done with that, use your Dyson nose to get all the crumbs underneath my refrigerator. Thank you.

This bitch is so nasty! If she was a Looney Tunes character, her name would be Cokey Pig. Everything from her artificial hair to her fake tan can be found at your local Rite-Aid. She's lucky that she was blessed with such beautiful veneers. That way she can easily "cut n' snort" without the use of a credit card.

White Oprah and HoHan's brother, Michael Lohan Jr. (he needs a name change), showed up to that Sephora party last night in NYC. It looks like Michael pisssed his pants. Can you blame him? Try holding your bladder while standing that close to White Oprah. Mission impossible.

Let's cut to the chase, White Oprah's cokey bull nostrils can probably blow better Ali Lohan can. The 45-year-old bitch can't sing, but thanks to modern technology, she sounds OK. "All the Way Around" is Ali's first single and I'm pretty sure this shit was originally written back in the 80s for Expose or the Cover Girls.

It's not completely atrocious. Oh, who am I fooling?! It's a vomit inducer for the ears! I can just picture that old bag with her 90s choker on whining into the microphone, while White Oprah tries to booty dance in the background. Nana sits in the corner with her vanilla wafers in one hand and her bong in the other.

VIA Mollygood