Beth Ditto

For reasons I will never understand even if you spelled it out for me using the ink from Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's favorite peen (Freudian slipped on purpose), the secret love child of Mrs. Swan and Ursula walked the Gaultier show in Paris yesterday without two very important things: EYEBROWS!

Beth Ditto slathers her face with every single shit found in the shoe box marked "Slutoween make-up" you keep under your bed, yet she refuses to draw upside down smiles over her eyes with a Sharpie! What have eyebrows ever done to Beth? Why doesn't she let her eyes once again experience the beautiful feeling of having twin rainbows of exquisiteness over them?

Are her eyelashes shoo-shoo-shooing them away out of jealousy? Are her eye sockets eating 'em? WHY? WHY? WHY? Bring Beth in for questioning! This crusade against brows must come to an end.

Here is Beth Ditto performing with The Gossip at the Wireless Festival in London....and I really don't know how to handle her eyebrow situation, among other things. I mean, her pomelo pussy haircut.... Her "King Koopa going to a fetish party" dress.... The way she's attacking that mic like it's a delicious chocolate-covered churro trying to run away (I was going to write "hard peen" but Beth is the opposite of strictly dickly).... And the brows....

THE BROWS! It looks like Beth drew on her brows while getting tickled in the no-no in the back of a pick-up driving down an extra bumpy road. What am I supposed to do with those brows? If you stare at them long enough it almost looks like her eye holes are giving birth to Bart Simpson.

I'm just going to leave these pictures for you right here while I go and sniff on a bunch of Sharpies. Maybe they will help me understand.

Beth Ditto on how she used to be the government cheese version of Winona Ryder:

"I have a hard time not buying or stealing. If I want something, I have to have it. But not anymore. The last time was three months ago - a dress from Marshalls. I used to steal more. I mostly stole from Goodwill. You know, 'Can't be bothered. The line's too long. Put it in your purse'."

via Paper Mag

Oh, look! It's the broken condom baby of Little Orphan Annie and Divine! Although, the sun won't be coming out tomorrow, because Beth is blocking it!

Beth Ditto normally looks like something Leigh Bowery queefed up, but she looked extra dragalicious last night, because she was judging some drag show in London. I approve of this look only because her hair is probably what Carrot Top's nut bush looks like.

This is some "Poor Unfortunate Souls" shit and that is the highest of compliments! I mean, Beth Ditto's mesmerizing cholita eyebrows are a work of high art! This is the real reason why the Sharpie was invented! Seriously, they should teach this shit in all schools. Fuck 2 + 2, our nation's children need to know how to achieve stunning brows like this.

Beth is a brave bitch traveling without a couple of Brinks guards, because I know a few hardcore cholas that would cut those things right off! Although, Beth could probably knock them the fuck out just by rolling her dice.

Here's Beth and her holy eyebrows at the launch of her fashion line in London yesterday with some overgrown Oompa Loompa.

Beth Ditto once again bares her chitty balls on the cover of a magazine and this time it's for some shit called LOVE. My only question is: Where the eff are her nipples?! Are they camera shy, so they jumped off that bitch? Did the Shar Pei puppy on her back eat them?

The NSFWish version is after the jump and you tell me why they took a Magic Eraser to her nipples. We're nothing without our nipples! JUMP!!!

Beth Ditto left Punk nightclub in London last night with a trash bag over her head because she didn't want the paps to recognize her. I didn't know Hefty made BBW size. If she didn't want the paps to recognize her, she should have put the bag over her ass. Even Audrina Patridge's fucked up ceiling eyes would recognize that ass from across a field.

And didn't Ditto learn that putting a plastic bag over your head could cause suffocation? We learned this shit as children. Hold up, maybe she did play with plastic bags as a child. That would explain everything.

I still love that batshit crazy BBW.

If Beth Ditto was a planet she would be Saturn because I'm pretty sure Saturn doesn't have any eyebrows. It does have plenty of rolls rings though.

This bitch is so hot that she burned her own eyebrows off! I hope this shit doesn't become a trend because eyebrows are a beautiful thing!

Ditto kept her ham hocks and jumbo cherry turnover covered, so this is an upgrade. I almost didn't notice her without her triple ass hanging out. Bitch looks like Mama Cass on a very special episode of "The Jetsons." Hot.

Here's Beth and guest at the Glamour Awards last night in London. Her guest is a chick, right? I'm totally getting Rojo Caliente-y vibes from her.

Oatmeal and raspberries with a side of Gouda cheese! Delicious!

We haven't caught up with Beth Ditto in a while, so here she is in all her glory performing at Shepherds Bush this past Friday. Shepherds Bush? I can almost see Ditto's Bush in that outfit. This is actually covered up for Ditto.

Ditto said that she's planning to visit Paris sooner with her girlfriend. She can't wait to work off all the treats she's been eating.

Beth told the Mirror, "I'm taking my girlfriend Fanny to Paris. I've eaten a lot of treats and I'm going to burn it off with her!" Fanny better bring an oxygen tank, power bar and flare gun just in case. You don't want to get caught under Ditto without the necessities.

It's fucking good to see Beth Ditto even though she looks like one big Nerf ball. I'm also a little weepy that she didn't bring it all out for the Brit Awards and by "all out" I mean show her ass. I'm sure she will by the end of the night when she's had too many Fuzzy Navels. That dress will be on the floor and I probably will regret what I wished for.

Also at the Brits tonight are Alien Princess RiRi in a dress by Reynolds Wrap. She's fucking ready to be beamed up after this bitch. Also Kelly Osbourne who is basically shrinking into nothingness. She was with her family and her mother wore the same damn frock she always wears. Of course, Mark Ronson was there. He's performing with Amy Wino tonight. He could be covered in elephant shit and I would still think he was a hot piece.