Amy Winehouse

The peace and quiet that has fallen over London these past couple of months has come to an end now that Amy Wino is back from her sitdown performance as the resident drunktard of St. Lucia! Crackzilla arrived back in Britain yesterday and didn't waste any time getting back to her old ways. Ah. The world can spin again.

The Sun says that before Wino's raggedy ballet slipper even touched the ground of London, she was already beating hos down for giving her the side-eye! On her flight back to the UK, Wino thought some dude on the plane was giving her "strange looks" so she unleashed her fury on him. A source said, “Amy went wild. She thought this guy was giving her strange looks and just lost it. She was nervous about coming back and seeing Blake so it didn’t take much to push her over the edge.”

What's the saying? Never give a horse the side-eye? Never wink at a horse's ass? Or never look a gift horse in the mouth? Whatever it is, that shit goes for Wino. Never look at a Wino unless you want the gift of a beat down followed by a bad case of rabies. When the Wino is in your presence, you keep your head down, your crack rocks close and your eyes to yourself. That stupid passenger bitch had it coming! And on a Sunday! The free clinic ain't even open on Sundays. Bitch deserved it.

And the crackhive has returned to its rightful owner as well! It's like she never left! But if you're in North London, maybe you should lock your doors, board up your windows and bury your crack pipes. It's better to be safe than Wino.

Blaaaaake busted out of the chokey this week and it was reported that Amy Wino was on her back to England to jump into his heroin-loving arms to make crack chirruns or something. Well, apparently, Blaaaake isn't interested anymore and is fleeing Britain. Yeah, something in the leche ain't clean.

The Sun says that Blaaaake is done and done with the Crackie of Camden and wants to move on with his life (it's news to me that he has one). Friends say he has refused to see Wino, because he thinks she's a bad influence on him now. This just confirms that the skank is crack damaged in the brains. Please don't put a floppy dick in my mouth and tell me it's hard.

The friend added, “His mum Georgette plans to sell up and get Blake to another country. They don’t want to squander all the hard work.”

Hard work? Oh, I see. Blaaaake believes the rumors that Wino is off the crack, so all his hard work from snorting, injecting and puffing so much will go to waste if she tries to get him off the bad shit.

Wherever he goes, Wino's crackhive will find him. It has skills. So Blaaake should flee to another planet instead. I hear Uranus is nice this time of year. Seriously, Uranus is severely underrated.

Blaaaaake was freed from the prison house yesterday and this was news to Amy Wino. Wino was over in her new adopted homeland of St. Lucia when she heard about the news. The bitch dropped her coconut-made crack pipe and started to make plants to get off the island to head back to her Blaaaake in England.

A source told The Sun, “Hearing Blake was out brought lots of emotions back for Amy. She feels like she was the last to know he was getting released and that hurt. She is desperate to see him again and wants to work things out. She still loves him.”

This is good for St. Lucia, but bad for England. St. Lucia is finally getting rid of their very own smoke monster, but Camden better brace themselves. When Wino and Blaaaake embrace for the first time, crack rocks will multiply, ballet slippers will cause chaos in the streets from trying to get away and Wino's crackhive will burn itself in a fire.

The Prime Minister should do the right thing and close the borders to Gargamel-looking crackheads before it's too late. For the sake of Camden!

Hide your crack rocks and stash away your pipes, because Blaaaake has been freed from the chokey! The drug dealers will be holding a parade later today in Camden to celebrate this joyous occasion! Let's all OD and do the heroin shimmy seizure in his honor!

According to The Sun, Amy Wino's Blaaaake was released from prison this morning in Suffolk. He was originally sent to the clink last July for 27 months, because he bribed a witness in a trial. This past November, Blaaake was sent to rehab, but went right back after he failed a drug test.

The Crackie of the Caribbean couldn't make Blaaaake's welcome party outside of the prison, because she's busy scaring off the tourists in St. Lucia. Instead, his mommy was there to pick him up and take him away. There's no word on where Blaaaaake is heading next. I'm guessing he'll show up in a crackhouse near you.

And if you pick up a shell and put it to your ear, you can probably hear Wino screaming "Blaaaaaaaake" from St. Lucia.

The drug dealers of Camden will all have to pack up their bad shit and take their act to the suburbs of to St. Lucia, because their main john is not coming back. That's what The Sun says anyway.

According to sources, 25-year-old (that makes me choke every time) Wino will become the permanent crazy lady of St. Lucia, because she's looking to buy a house there and make it her home. Daddy Wino has already bought her a house in the London suburb of Hadley Wood. Wino will spend half of her time terrorizing St. Lucia and the other half wreaking havoc on Hadley Wood. (off topic: Hadley Wood sounds like when my abuelita says Hollywood)

A source told The Sun, "She has been drinking and smoking cannabis but is still a million times better than she was in Camden. Her family think the best way to keep her out of trouble is to have a house in the suburbs and a place in the Caribbean where she can totally get away.”

Oh, Wino doesn't find trouble, trouble finds her. You better believe that crack rocks will magically find a way to grow arms and legs so that they can swim across the ocean and land into Wino's hands. But seriously, this is a good idea for Wino. Stay in the sun, make love to the bong and bathe those titties in the salty ocean. It's the bed medicine for life.

Image: Splash

You can't officially declare it a Wino party until an ambulance is called! And that's what happened last night on the Isle of Crackie aka St. Lucia. The Sun says the Crackie of the Caribbean has been taking some kind of crack replacement (probably Methadone?) to help her get off the bad shit. Wino ran out of the medicinal crack and her body wasn't amused, so she started doing the Exorcism shake and finally collapsed. Everyone around her is probably used to that shit. They stopped, dropped and rolled her into the hospital. Oh, Wino!

One source told The Sun, “She looked in a terrible state, a shaking mess. The people with her were very concerned.”

Wino was rushed to her second home, the hospital, and is said to be doing well. Hopefully, she'll check out of that joint shortly. Her spokeswhore just shook his head and said, "Well, you know..." No, he said she was in the hospital because she ran out of her substitute for crack.

Wino's talking bitch said too much. Bitch should have just said she was being treated for exhaustion. You know, it's fucking tiring crawling around and stealing cocktails. Wait. No, the "exhaustion" excuse is out. He should have said she was in the hospital giving birth to nonuplets. That's the new exhaustion.

The former Crackie of Camden is spending her time in St. Lucia horseback riding with the sexy tourists (slobber at the picture above) and smoking ze weed all day and all night. The Sun says Wino has traded in the bad shit for the gooooooood shit. One of her friends said that Wino has been smoking up to 10 joints a day and everyone around her is actually giving her a standing ovation for it even though she's spending £500-a-week on that shit. Bitches are happy because making giving Mary Jane a blow job makes Wino all hongray.

A source said, : “Amy hasn’t touched crack or cocaine for months. She has been really good.Drugs are easy to get in St Lucia but she has just stuck to smoking dope. The amazing thing is she smokes all morning then sees her personal trainer in the afternoon and is put through a grueling workout.”

Hell yes! Weed does a body good. This is just what the dealer ordered. But knowing Wino she's going to find a way to take the goodness way too far. Bitch is going to start snorting it, or cutting it with household cleaning products and injecting that shit. But if she takes that shit the way it's meant to be taken, she'll win the gold in swimming at the 2012 Olympics!

The Sun has a picture of Wino enjoying a joint while laying in the jacuzzi. The life.....

Image: Bauer Griffin

While Amy Wino was in St. Lucia terrorizing the tourists, thieves broke into her Camden crack den and stole £15,000 worth of booty! It wasn't hard. They just smashed the door in and pressed "CRAAAAAAKE" (a combination of crack and Blaaake) into her security system. The Sun says the burglars ninja kicked her front door down and made off with five guitars, some recording equipment and a flat-screen TV. By the time the bobbies (look at me! I'm speaking fancy!) arrived, the robbers were long gone.

A source said that Wino is going back to Camden this weekend and will have to clean up the mess. The source went on to say, "Amy is devastated. Some of the guitars are irreplaceable due to their sentimental value. The flat is in a real state. It had been cleaned up in preparation for her return. Now she will have to start from scratch to replace what has been stolen.”

Let's be really really really real here. Bitch owed her rock dealer some cash and this is how he got his. I just hope there wasn't a Grudge-style videotape in the thieves' bag. And by "Grudge-style videotape," I mean SEX TAPE. And that shit wouldn't co-star Blaaake since he's in the chokey. I'm not prepared to see Wino giving her crack pipe a blow job with her snatch. I can't.

Holy motherfucking shit! One of the things on my cum bucket list is to witness the Crackie of Camden's heroin shimmy and crackie cackle LIVE in its full glory. And now I have my chance. Well, that's if the Wino decides to get herself out of St. Lucia. And that's if they even allow her ass into this country. I will pray to my bong that this happens, because I need to see this fuckery for myself.

The full official line-up for Coachella has been announced and Wino is expected (hold your breath, but only if you took a bong hit before) to grace the stage!!!!! I don't care if I have to sell my ass ($5 a pop) to get there, but I am totally going. I'll even sleep in the damn dirt in order to get close to her. And I'm throwing in an extra prayer to my bong that she scratches me in the face or butts me with her crackhive. I could die happy. No, seriously, I would probably die, because who knows what crackhouse jungle diseases she'd infect me with.

Again, that's if she shows up! Homegirl will probably roll up in May asking, "Where's the parteeeee, eh?!"

Tickets go on sale today at noon. I'll be staying at the luxurious Toyota Tercel parked down the road. You bring the Wino juice (anything in your liquor cabinet mixed with ice pops) and I'll bring the "I'll be your Blaaaaaaaaake" signs.

Oh, shit. For a quick second I thought that was Cleo from Set It Off walking the beach in St. Lucia with Gargamel's sexier twin Amy Wino. I got excited, because a big bad lezzie is exactly what Wino needs in her life. They will smack you in the teeth and kick you in the crotch bone with their Timberlands if you fuck around. They don't play.

A while ago, I was getting gross at some bar with a dude who was not my boyfriend at the time. My bull dyke friend grabbed me by the hair and dragged me out of the bar. She told me to take my slutty ass home and stick my asshole under the tub faucet if I wanted some action. That shit turned me on. I would've become her woman right then and there, but she threw me in a cab.

That's the kind of butch love Wino needs. When she's about to suck on the bad shit pipe, she needs a butchie friend to yank her by the crack nest and beat the fuckery out of her.