Amy Winehouse

Amy Wino is downing dicks and booze by the dozen while she's "drying out" in St. Lucia. Blaaaaake threatened to quit her ass because she was clit slapping some dude named Josh Bowman. Wino shrugged it off and said her heart will always belong to Blaaaake but she's gonna pass around the puss while she's on holiday. The Sun says Wino found another taker.

Some source said Wino has had her eye on a dude who teaches tennis lessons at the resort she's staying at. The source went on to say, "He is another clean-cut, handsome, healthy bloke, much like Josh. He teaches tennis and other sports at the resort where Amy stayed before she moved to the villa. Amy’s really into him.”

Has this source seen Wino's new piece? I mean, Wino is walking around all day with booze goggles, so the dude could be a garden gnome for all we know. That drunk bitch has probably been flirting with inanimate objects thinking they are horny hunks. She found a tall, skinny piece who gives the best crotch tongue kisses. Little does she know that she's really been sticking her vag on a garden hose. Seriously. A horny drunk crackie doesn't know the difference.

Now it's time for a dose of the sads. Below is a video of Wino wailing out "Puppy Love" in the hotel's dining room. That shit made a box of Kleenex from across the room shuffle over to my side and lean towards me.

The Sun sent one of their reporters over to the Island of Crackie aka St. Lucia in the Caribbean to spend a little time with Amy Wino. What was supposed to be just a one-week holiday has turned into a two-month rampage. The reporter learned that even though Blaaaaake wants to drop the big D (divorce not death) on Wino, she's not hearing that mess. Well, it's hard for her to hear anything with all those crackiewax balls in her ears.

Wino said, “I still love my Blake. I won’t let him divorce me. He’s still in jail but the moment he comes out I’ll be there waiting for him. I love him because he’s just like me. Blake is the male version of me. We’re perfect for each other. I don’t want to go back home to England. I want to wait for Blake here.”

Truth talk time. England evicted her. They put all her crackie little shit in a tugboat floating in the English Channel. They also changed all their numbers, so she can't text them begging to be let back into their lives.

And Blaaake being Wino with a dick is the main problem here. Fuck yourself, but never ever date yourself. The last time I dated someone that was just like me, it ended with me attacking his face with a fork because he put on my favorite jeans and said he looked hotter in them. For the record: they did looker hotter on him and that's why the fork came out.

Wino also talks about how her poon still belongs to Blaaaaake even though she's passing it around the island. The best part of the article is when the bitch from The Sun interviews a couple that Wino tried to get with. They did not want. The dude said, “As soon as we arrived at the resort Amy was all over my girlfriend. She was telling her, ‘You’re gorgeous. I’d love to fuck you. Bring your boyfriend, he can watch’. She was quite clear what she wanted, she was saying, ‘You two can spend the night in my room’. If she had been at all good looking we might have done it. But we just ended up smoking a sneaky joint with her instead.”

They don't know what they're missing. Have they ever seen Wino suck on a crack pipe? Imagine the things she could do with a clitty. She'd have that vagina barfing in record time. Mostly because anything that gets that close to Wino's face gets a case of the voms.

Remind me to never ever visit the Le Sport Spa in St. Lucia, because they are not above cutting boozers off from their life juice. That's what The Sun says they did to Amy Wino because they were sick of her being a drunken mess. So what's a Wino to do? I mean, if alcohol isn't always in her system she would probably start making sense and nobody wants that. Nobody.

So, some source said Wino has been begging guests to buy her booze at the bar. She's also been straight-up stealing drinks from guests. That's my favorite pastime! Personally, I wait at the bar and snatch just delivered drinks while the bitch is going through their wallet for money to pay that shit. You have to be seriously stealth.

Wino's technique involves her crawling under tables and stealing cocktails when nobody is looking. A source said, “We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”

And I bet she hisses at you like a cunty squirrel too. But where does she store her booze nuts now that her crackhive is gone?

The source went on to say, “She’s like a child craving attention. It’s embarrassing. She comes in for dinner barefoot and in her bikini, even though the dress code is smart casual. Then she will go and sit on her balcony topless playing the guitar when everyone is trying to sleep.”

Um. Barefoot in a bikini is formal for Wino. They don't want to see her "smart casual," because it would make the children poke their eyes out with forks.

Guests say Wino has taken up yoga while on the island. But that's not yoga she's doing. Because she doesn't have crack or a steady supply of booze, she's trying to shimmy any possible alcohol or crackie remnants from her body to her brain. It's junkie yoga! I love her.

How is Camden functioning without their main crackie?! The ice pops are piling up to the ceiling. The drug dealers are forced to get in the bread line. The pappies are slapping each other, because they miss their daily beating from Amy Wino. Camden needs their crackie, but she's busy hanging on to ropes and shit in St. Lucia. Yes, Wino! Ropes aren't only used to tie around arm while getting shot deep.

The Crackie of the Caribbean is taking trapeze lessons at her hotel now. You know she was fucking pissed when she found out what a trapeze was. The description in the hotel activities book probably read: "You'll fly higher than ever before!" This is not what she had in mind.

In other crackabean news, Wino's island fuck (ew) has flown away! Wino was smoking on Josh Bowman's pipe, but he left on Sunday and her crackgina isn't sad about it. The Sun says Wino told some of the guests, “Josh has gone home. He was lovely. But it was a holiday thing. I still love my Blake. While he’s locked away, I’m still gonna have a good time. He can’t do anything about it.”

Wait. Blaaaaake is still her Blaaaaaaaaake?! Obviously, none of her whores told her that he kind of wants to D-I-V-O-R-C-E her. Don't tell her! As long as she keeps shouting for her Blaaaaaake, the world can keep spinning. Now if she can only hire a private investigator to track down her crackhive and bring it back to her head where it belongs. That Chico Marx mop is not the look.

Yes, I wrote Blake and not Blaaaaaaake. I have a feeling Wino is no longer screaming his name. That shit is fucking depressing. Is there such a thing as love if Wino isn't shouting "Blaaaaaaake" like a damn cracked out rooster in need of a fix? I don't think so. If you're in love, break up with that bitch, because it's not going to last. If Wino and Blaaaaaake can't make it. None of us can!

Blake (it feels wrong typing that) has told his lawyer bitches (aka some back alley motherfuckers he's paying in rocks) to begin working on the whole divorce process. The Daily Mail says Blake (this is hard) laid his glazed-over eyes on pictures of the Crackie of the Caribbean all up on that hot piece Josh Bowman in St. Lucia. Like I said before, Wino isn't screeching for her husband. She told The News of the World that she's off the bad shit and now her coochie is only craving Josh. Seriously, her clitty probably gets the shakes when he's not around.

And Wino even said she's forgotten she's even married to Blake (really, really hard). She went on to kick him in the meth sores by saying he was shit in bed. She said, "Almost every time I slept with him it was like I was dead." SPOILER ALERT, Wino! Technically I think you are dead. Your organs haven't worked properly since '06.

First Brit Brit cleans up her shit and is no longer entertaining us with her nightly tour of gas stations while flashing her creamed chitterlings. Now Wino has fallen out of love with crack AND Blake. AND it's like 80 degrees in California during January. What is fucking going on in the world?! IT WASN'T NOT FUNNY! What the hell is next? Rojo Caliente is going to be photographed making out with Jeremy Piven. No. Let's not even joke about that shit.

I can't call him Blake. He will forever be Blaaaaake to me. I will scream his name, because somebody has to and I need to believe! I don't like what fresh tropical air is doing for Wino. It's sobering her up and making her think clearly. That's not right!

Did you really think Amy Wino would get through her St. Lucia vacation without attacking some ho? But I suspect Wino was smart about this one. Wino's spokeswhore told The Sun that there was a little misunderstanding (isn't there always?) between her and some of the guests at the resort. Wino's got a little crackwax in her ears, because she misunderstood a conversation between a lady guest and some others. This led to Wino to pull a "Heather Mills" by pouring a glass of water all over the bitch. Why did Wino play it smart?

Well, Wino with a glass of water? Please. The Crackie of the Caribbean obviously had some booze juice in her hand. You know, I really get hurt when bitches waste their alcohol by throwing it at someone. There's people in this world who would kill a baby bunny for just one sip of life's precious nectar. To waste it is disrespectful! Wino obviously agrees with me, because she probably stopped herself before she was about to pour her drink all over the whore's head and walked on over to the bar instead. She asked the bartender for a glass of that clear free shit (she doesn't know the name) and that's when the woman got hit with a Wino waterfall. Well played.

The wet bitch got all dramatic about the incident and wanted to call the cops. The resort had to calm her down and force Wino to apologize in order to avoid dealing with the police. Wino reluctantly said she was so sowwy, but all is still not well at the resort.

A source said the guests and staff have had it with her, “Everyone wants Amy to disappear. Her attack on this guest was the last straw. She walks around in the same grimy bikini bottoms each day with her boobs on show, gets drunk, gropes waiters and is rude to male staff. She’s hardly the most popular guest.”

Why don't I ever get a taste of this shit when I go on vacation? I get a bunch of oldies who shoot you an evil stare when you get too wasted and talk loudly about how you really want a hard cock to go with your cocktail. A bunch of judgmental Judge Judies.

They'll have to get some ear plugs and steer clear of Harpo Marx's crackie twin, because Wino is staying there an extra week. Hey, at least the sharks are staying away. Even they don't want to deal with her crackery.

Here's a few pictures of Wino proving that she should be Nike's next spokeswhore. Just smoke it!

What about Blaaaaaake?! Blaaake! Blaaaaake! I'll scream his name while running down the street barefoot since Wino obviously isn't anymore! Instead she's screaming Joooooshhhh. Joooosh. That shit just isn't the same. Your vocal cord doesn't wiggle when you scream Jooossshh. Josh should think about changing his name to something that's easier to scream. Think of the Wino!

Anyway, Josh Bowman is the name of the hot piece Wino has apparently been getting close to while on her neverending St. Lucia holiday. The Sun says Josh is some kind of rugby player and met Wino while on vacation with his mommy and sister.

I know what all of you are thinking, "What is that hunk of man doing with that gutter troll?!" You whores are so superficial! Maybe Josh loves the way the sun slightly melts her zombie skin in the morning. Maybe Josh loves tasting heroin snot and coke loogies when he kisses Wino. Or maybe he's always just gotten a boner for Gargamel. Whatever the reason may be, it's a good thing Wino is sucking on the skin pipe instead of the crack pipe!

The Crackie of Camden is still on holiday in St. Lucia. Yes, she's on vacation. Pap smacking, crack smoking and ice pop sucking can get really exhausting! I also think she'll be there a while. I'm not sure, but I believe that the UK might have closed their borders to her.

It looks like while Wino is bestowing her natural beauty on St. Lucia, she is also managing to get gross with some dude. I'd bet all my laundry money that the dude is her local rock seller. Look at how she's hanging on him. He's either got a 9" always-erect peen or he's packing crack. Just look at the first thumbnail below. Wino's got a totally hot big-lippy piece of man meat behind her and instead she's hanging on that douche like he's an ever-lasting crack pipe. I would sit on the dude's face behind her so hard that his head would magically disappear into my no-no like a scared turtle.

Anyway, feel better about yourself today by feasting your eyes on these gorgeous pictures of Wino. A little warning: there is some nip here. Wino's nips and me go way back, so I don't get the dry heaves anymore when I see them.

Here's a lovely story for a Sunday evening starring the Crackie of Camden as told by some scum bucket who used to lick on her crackpot. You may remember this Alex Haines dude? He used to be Wino's personal assistant and they got a little too personal while he was working for her ass and Blaaake was in the chokey. Alex has now done what most people involved with Wino do: he sold his story to The News of the World.

Obviously sucking on Wino's crack pipe clit has made Alex foggy in the brains, because why else would he admit to sexing up Wino? That's some shit you take with you to the grave.

Alex's revelations about Wino won't make your eyes bulge in shock, but it is a good after church read. I've made it a little easier for you by summing it up with extra exclamation points, of course. Because exclamation points make everything escandalo. ESCANDALO!!!!!

Wino dined on a hearty breakfast of toast and CRACK every morning!

Wino spent £3,500 a week on drugs and made crack pipes out of old drink bottles! She once used a screwdriver to scrape out the residue from her crack pipe. “When Amy ran out of the drug it she would cut the bottle in half and sit there on the floor completely wired, scraping the inside to get the residue with a screwdriver." The bitch is a thrifty one! She should get her own show on HGTV.

Wino is a bulimic who lives off of McDonald's and Crunchie bars! Alex says she used his toothbrush to barf. Ew. I bet you that nasty bitch Alex hasn't bought a new toothbrush either!

Wino was like Alex's own personal porn star. She was addicted to ze sexy times and wanted it four or five times a day. "When I stayed at hers I would be asleep downstairs and there would be this little girl on the bed crawling towards me waking me up for sex.” Okay, Alex is creepy.

Wino is a cutter!!! "Cutting herself was her favorite pastime.” I'm pretty sure smoking crack is her favorite pastime, but maybe cutting is a close second.

Wino is afraid she might join the 27 club of rock stars who died at the age of 27.

Wino wanted to prove to every one that she was the cokiest cokehead who ever coked, so she once snorted a line that was 20 centimeters long!!!

Wino's favorite drink is super classy. She loves vodka with supermarket tropical juice!!

Did you get all that? Wino is a bulimic, a crackhead, a cutter, a nympho and she's also the Martha Stewart of the crackworld. Basically, she's like every after-school special rolled into one hot sexy package (see above picture). Also, Alex needs to try much harder.

Why that sly little crackie! Amy Wino somehow managed to slip out of THE CLINIC (dun dun) and get on a plane to St. Lucia without any bitches finding out! Or maybe I'm the only dumb ho who cares anymore and others can't even be bothered to roll their eyes at her crackpox covered ass anymore? Whatever the case may be, Wino checked out of her month-long detox at the hospital and headed directly for St. Lucia where she had her first bath in fucking light years. She's alive (I know that's debatable) and alive (that too)!!!!

The sea creatures are probably all cracked out from inhaling her crack dust. They are swimming around all fast-like, trying to find ice pops, slapping each other with their fins and making crackhives for their heads out of seaweed.

The Mirror says that Wino is in St. Lucia with friends through Christmastimes. While she's there, Wino is going to sample the local crack, put a little sunshine on her cokey nips and probably slap a native or two....or eleventy.

Visit The News of the World to see a few NSWS (not safe while sober) pictures of Wino in nothing but her ruffly chonies being a beautiful bathing crackie in the Caribbean. At least the other bitches on the beach with her don't have to worry about shark attacks, because no shark is coming within 100-miles of this mess.