Amy Winehouse

The next time I'm in the hospital because my asscave exploded again, I want Nurse Wino to tend to my every need. Amy Wino would make the best nurse ever! A few lucky ass patients at THE CLINIC (dun dun dun) in London have been fortunate enough to be served by the Crackie of Camden!

Wino has been shacked up in the hospital for almost three weeks while recovering from her lungs quitting her ass or something close to that. Wino was in danger of getting kicked out of THE CLINIC, because she's a wreck, but she's gotten back into the good graces of some of the nurses by helping them out.

A source told The Sun, “She has been charming the nurses by helping them with their tasks. She’s been mucking in.”

Wino just wants full access to all available drugs. I shouldn't say that. Wino also has a lot of love to give and by "love" I mean illegal narcotics. It probably fills her crackhive with joy when she spreads a little TLC to all the patients. In Wino's case, TLC stands for tender loving crack.

Like I said earlier in this post, Wino is the one you want caring for you in your hour of need. When you tell her you have a headache, she'll give you GHB instead of Aspirin. When you tell her you're feeling a little weak, she'll fill your IV with heroin instead of nutrients. And instead of serving you the generic hospital Jello, she'll give you Jello shots!

Jailbirds have Amy Wino's back and will beat a bitch who fucks with her.

They are just trying to get on her good side, because they know she has the good shit.

Blaaake was sent back to the chokey from rehab, because he got the big F on his drug test. Shortly after he arrived back in the clink, he got the crack beat out of him by a group of prisoners who don't appreciate the way he treats Wino.

A source told The Sun, "Some lads don’t appreciate men who don’t treat their women well. Blake got a bit of a kicking and was moved away from a gang who were after his blood."

Murderers, drug dealers, rapists and thieves care about Wino! They're after his blood, because you know that shit is like V from True Blood. There's so many damn hallucinogenics running through his blood that only will drop on your tongue will have you floating through the clouds.

Blaaake has now been moved to Edmunds Hill Jail in Suffolk for his own safety.

Oh and I forgot to add: Blaake got beat! HAHAHA!

Blaaaake recently told The News of the World that he's going to save Wino by leaving her and not asking for any of her crack pennies. He must have woke up and smelled the heroin smoke, because Blaaaake is looking to cash in. A friend told the NOTW that Blaaake was telling lies and really wants £1 million from the Crackie of Camden. He's threatened her management that if he doesn't get what he wants, he's going to write a tell-all.

Blaaake is going to have to wrestle Wino's money away from her crack pipe. Good luck. And what can he tell us bout Wino that hasn't been told? Just go to any gossip blog and click their "Amy Wino" category and there's your fucking tell-all! Although, I would love to know what the inside of Wino's crackhive is like. It probably looks like this.

Blaaake's mommy, Georgette, piped in and said Wino's daddy has already offered her son £50,000 to go through with a divorce. She said, "Mitch’s £50,000 offer was an insult. Amy’s worth £10 million and Blake’s her husband. He’s entitled to at least £3 million after all he’s been through with her.'"

After all he's been through? The slug hasn't even been around. He's been in the chokey licking taints for heroin rocks! Georgette should really see a doctor about the genetic disease she suffers from called Delusionaltwatitis.

Blaaaake rushed over to Wino's hospital bed when he found out that he had to go back to the chokey after he got an F- on his drug test. In addition to begging her for forgiveness, he also put his crackpipe into her crackhouse. Basically, The Sun says they fucked on her hospital bed. Did you feel a shaking down below? That was just your genitals running off to the bathroom to wash themselves off with antibacterial soap. Don't worry, they'll be back when the coast is clear.

A source said that when Blaaake got there, he asked her entourage if they could give them some privacy. He then told Wino how sexy she looked in her hospital gown while strapped to an IV with drool probably come down her mouth and crack boogers in her eyes. After that, they did it. The source went on to say, “It was obvious what went on.”

It was obvious because the room smelled like boiled roach shit and the walls were covered with dead fleas.

You know, I don't think Wino and Blaaake bump crack rocks because they want to get off in a sexy way. I think it's a quick and simple high for them. After they finished jizzing, they gather their sex smegma from the bed sheets, cook it up on a hot plate, chop it down and then snort it up. Voila! I mean, they both bust the pure shit.

The last time we left our crackhead heroes, Blaaaake vowed he was clean and Wino was laid up in THE CLINIC after she had a "bad reaction to medication." It's time to turn the page, because there's a new chapter in the never-ending crack opera known as Blaaake's and Wino's life.

Blaaaake, who was released from the chokey early so that he could get treatment at a rehab facility, is going back to prison after he failed a drug test. In his defense, you could drain his blood, put kitten blood back in him and he'd still test positive for the bad shit.

After learning that he could be locked up until 2010, Blaaaake rushed to Wino's bedside all dramatic-like and begged her to forgive him. Some person with information told The Sun, “Blake did a runner. He turned up in hospital and hell broke loose — everyone was totally shocked. He was asking Amy to forgive him. As he was going back inside anyway he felt he didn’t have much to lose.”

Friends of Wino say it's a good thing he's going back in, because she was just starting to get her life back on track. Well, except for that little crack seizure that landed her back in the hospital. Her friends must have forgotten about that small tidbit. A friend went on to say, “She had finally started stepping up divorce proceedings again but he started phoning again and getting inside her mind. Now he is out of the picture again she can concentrate on getting her life on track.”

This is the way things should be. Wino and Blaaaaake are star-cracked lovers and it's meant to stay this way forever. If Blaaaake ever got out of prison, what would Wino scream about? She wouldn't be able to say, "this is for my Blaaaake incarcerated," before every fucking performance. That wouldn't be right.

And you know that tomorrow there will be news that Wino is going to renew her vows with Blaaaake in a beautiful prison ceremony. Then the next day we'll learn that she's filed for divorce. The day after that she'll remarry him in a touching online wedding. Rinse, repeat, the crack pipe burns on....

Blaaaaake is in rehab right now and it looks like he's bouncing through all the 13 steps! In a telephone interview from the tank with The News of the World, Blaaaaake has put on his Captain Obvious cap and admitted that he basically created the Crackie of Camden by introducing her to the world of crack, heroin and cutting herself up. And yes I said "13 steps." The 13th step is: whore your story out for top dollar! Blaaake can check that one off the list.

In the interview, Blaaake says he gave Wino her first hit of the bad shit. “I made the biggest mistake of my life by taking heroin in front of her. I introduced her to heroin, crack cocaine and self-harming. I feel more than guilty. The first time Amy took crack she asked me, ‘Can I try a bit of that’."

Watching Wino smoke crack for the first time, must have been a trippy fucking experience. As soon as her lips touched the pipe, her crackhive magically grew on her head, shit-stained ballet slippers appeared at her feet and that damned gold rope belt wrapped around her waist. The Crackie of Camden was born!

Blaaake goes on to say a bunch of other "eye-rollin' worthy" shit. He claims he will not go back to Wino when he's released on December 30th. He must let her go in order to save her life. "I am not abandoning her. I am doing this out of love."

How fucking poetic. The fact that he's blabbing about it to the world makes this extra special. He's only doing this to get paid so that he could use the cash to buy a rock or two in rehab. He's going to be back to his old crackie tricks when he gets out. Trust.

And you know that when Wino read this fuckery, she shouted, "Shut up, Blaaaaake and pass the pipe!"

The Crackie of Camden is currently resting her crack hive at THE CLINIC in London after suffering a seizure due to a bad reaction from her medication. In crackie-talk that just means she had too much of the bad shit. While Wino is laid up in the hospital, she's reportedly talked to several lawyers about starting divorce proceedings.

Wino still hasn't visited her beloved Blaaaake since he left the chokey for rehab. She's apparently still pissed off at his ass for not telling her he was leaving prison. They fight constantly during phone conversations and now she's ready to cut him off completely.

I feel like we've heard this a zillion times before. Wino and Blaaaake get into a fight, she threatens to divorce him, the lawyer brings the papers over for her to sign and she decides she'd rather smoke up the documents than have them delivered to Blaaake. Then she calls him up, he says some sexy shit to get her back, she rubs the phone on her crackie bush and forgives him. History repeats itself over and over again with these two crackheads.

Guess where our little Crackie of Camden was on Sunday night? No, not church, but a good guess. She' was back in THE CLINIC (dun dun) after she apparently had a seizure from drugging and boozing too much. They say she had a seizure, but she was probably just showing off her heroin-induced break dancing moves.

Some loud-mouthed friend of Wino's told The Sun that it all started while she was freaking out at Blaaaake during a phone call on Saturday. They were shouting at each other because that's what crackheads do. One minute they're breaking bottles over each other's heads and the next minute they're licking meth off of each other's taints. Crackheads are so dysfunctional.

So after their phone brawl, Wino turned to her two best friends for comfort: crack & Jack! The source said, “It didn’t stop until she was on the floor on Sunday. She has ended up in hospital a few times after similar drink and drugs related seizures. If she carries on, one of these incidents will be her last.”

By "a few times" they must mean a thousand, right? Wino has been in the hospital so many fucking times that they probably gave her ass a punch card. After every 10th OD, she gets a box of ice pops.

I don't get this shit. If I was Wino's friend, I would put on a Hazmat suit, crush down some Mother's Circus Animal Cookies, hold her in my arms, and then tell her to snort that shit instead. Snorting Circus Animal Cookie dust is good for you. Trust. I do that shit every night and have never felt better. AND your boogers will be covered in sprinkles! There's nothing better than that!

Blaaaake was in court today to beg the judge to appeal his 27 month sentence. The crackhead got deeeeenied.

Let's go off topic really quick. A couple of years ago, I was buying some shit at a store with a credit card and the cashier runs it and says to me, "Oooooh shit! Bitch got denied!" Just like that. It was so awesome, I wanted to get denied again just so I could hear her say that. Okay, it wasn't two years ago, it was yesterday. And the store was TJ Maxx. Now let's get back on topic!

Blaaake was originally sentenced to 27 months for for fucking up a bar owner and then bribing him with some cash to shut his hole about it. Blaaake has served 9 months in the chokey and was released this month to get treatment for his crack problems at a rehab facility. Two judges denied the appeal and said Blaaake must stay at the rehab facility. Blaaaaake said that he was "disappointed but not really surprised."

The Crackie of Camden probably isn't taking any time out from smoking crack to cry about this shit since according to The News of the World, she's telling friends that her marriage done. She reportedly said, “It’s over. There’s no way back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for sex.''

Let's just ignore that part about sex unless you want to ruin your lunch before you eat it. It's like when my mom talks about how her "coochie itches," I just have to take the phone off my ear and quickly think about rainbows and unicorns.

I won't believe Wino and Blaaake are over until I hear it from the crackie's mouth! They're never breaking up for good. If they do, who will scream Blaaaaake over and over again? And if there's nobody to do that, the world will spin a little slower.

Hand me my shank, some artist-type is fucking with our Crackie of Camden. Nobody fucks with Wino, but us! We're the only ones allowed to make fun of her ass! Can you believe this shit right here? Artist Marco Perego created of a statue of Wino, dead in a pool of blood. There's a statue of William Burroughs near her, carrying a gun. It is selling for $100,000. Good fucking luck selling that mess.

The hos at NYC's Half Gallery said Marco made it as a tribute to Wino and Burroughs. They explained this shit: "In September of 1951, William Burroughs, playing a dangerous game of William Tell, shot his wife Joan Vollmer in the head and killed her. This sculpture is a re-creation of that event which is conflating timelines and literary history to create something that's fantasy but is totally lifelike."

Lifelike?! Wino hasn't looked like that for years. The sculpture is too clean, too fat and Wino wouldn't be caught dead (pardon the pun) with nails that shiny and new looking! She doesn't leave the house unless her fingers are covered in crack dirt and ciggie smoke. And what the hell kind of GD outfit is that?! Is that Wino or a soccer mom? And I'm going to pretend I'm not looking at that Minnie Mouse mask. That shit should've been a box of ice pops instead.

There's no need to get my shank. This obviously isn't our Wino!

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