In "I Can't Believe This Shit Didn't Come From The Onion" news, a few One Direction fans have been tweeting death threats to this adorable puppy named Loki. No, Loki isn't Harry Styles' new girlfriend. Those crazy children are wishing death upon this innocent puppy, because Liam Payne bought him with his girlfriend Danielle Peazer. This is some Fatal Attraction shit, which is weird, since most of those crazed One Directioners weren't even a sperm fish when Fatal Attraction came out.
Metro says that shortly after Liam Payne introduced Loki to his 9 million Twitter followers, the hate and death threats started pouring in. A few One Directioners, who obviously didn't get enough spoonfuls of crushed Xanax in their jar of banana baby food, let Liam know that they don't like him raising a puppy with Danielle Peazer, because it means he'll have less time to tweet with them. Here's some death threat tweets to a puppy that'll make you feel really hopeful about our future:
And a couple more:
"I am outraged and appalled fucking Loki the dog! That dog ain’t nothing but the scum on my shoe"
"Let’s kill him! Gun? Knife?"
You know you need to set the parental controls on your child's laptop to MAXIMUM when they tweet death threats at a puppy for stealing their man. They're going to start tweeting death threats to every spoon Liam uses, because he's sticking his tongue on it instead of them.
To paraphrase a quote from prolific philosopher Taylor Swift: There's a special place in hell for people who wish death upon a puppy....and that special place in hell doesn't have WiFi or cell phone service. You're all grounded!
Almost two years ago, a dark cloud covered the Enchanted Forest and all the woodland creatures cried for days after their favorite Jolly Ukrainian Giant and the golden child of Rosie Cotton and Ernest J. Keebler broke up. But the dark clouds have cleared up and the woodland creatures are farting up rainbow-colored hearts again, because 5'2" Hayden Panettiere and 6'6" Wladimir Klitschko are back together again.
The other day, that human mountain of rock hard hotness Wladimir worked a hard stick on the ocean while Hayden walked her dog (which I'm assuming is a teacup mouse dog since she can pick it up) near his condo in Hollywood, FL. People says that after Wladimir impressed dolphin activist Hayden by head butting a killer shark until it dropped a dolphin from its mouth, he took her to the Taco Beach Shack near his condo. A source says that Wladimir and Hayden had 8 mahi mahi tacos, a Coke and a margarita, and he left a $20 tip on a $20 bill. (Yes, the REAL story here is that they got 8 mahi mahi tacos, a coke and a margarita for only $20!)
Hayden and Wladimir have always been one of my favorite couples. Nothing pleases me more like picturing her climb up his hood rock of a body for a kiss the same way a tiny, adorable monkey climbs up a palm tree for a coconut. When they take a shower together and she accidentally slips down the drain, he can scoop her out with his pinky finger. Hayden has to stretch for at least 4 hours and they have to use Pilates equipment when they try to 69. I am not ashamed to admit that I love their Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout union. But I am really ashamed to admit that: a) I watch Nashville and; b) Hayden's my favorite thing about Nashville.
I felt an ugly kind of shame when I clicked "buy" after the iTunes pop-box asked me something like, “You are about to download the song 'Love Like Mine,' are you sure?"
When the talking fart bubble out of Jabba the Hutt's ass known as Donald Trump publicly told President Obama that he'd give $5 million to the president's charity of choice if the president produced his college records and shit, Bill Maher jokingly threw a proposition at Trump. On The Tonight Show last month, Bill Maher said that he'd give $5 million to Trump's charity of choice if Trump proved that his mother didn't make him by screwing an orangutan bareback-style. Bill Maher basically said that Trump's hair looks like an orangutan's dirty ass, so he wouldn't be surprised if his biological father was an ape. Makes sense to me!
Donald Trump says that he has coughed up a copy of his birth certificate that says he is the father of Fred Trump, a human person, and Bill Maher hasn't paid up. So Trump filed a lawsuit in L.A. today to get that $5 million. Trump queefed out this statement to Politco:
“I don’t know whether this case will be won or lost, but I felt a major obligation to bring it on behalf of the charities. Bill Maher made an unconditional offer while offer while on The Jay Leno Show and I, without hesitation, accepted his offer and provided him with the appropriate documentation. Prior demands for payment went ignored by Mr. Maher despite the fact that the beneficiaries of this suit will ultimately be the charities […] who would share equally the $5 million — something I am certain they can desperately use."
Trump wants to donate the money to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, American Cancer Society, Hurricane Sandy Victims, March of Dimes and the Police Athletic League. Trump also said on Fox & Friends this morning that he doesn't think Bill Maher was joking when he made the bet. Trump's lawyers couldn't be reached for comment, because their mouths were otherwise occupied with the act of laughing at how he keeps throwing stupid money at them.
In related news, orangutans everywhere have filed a class action lawsuit against Bill Maher for defamation for saying that Donald Trump is part their species. Gloria Allred is representing them and they will win.
Almost every person I know who is into NYC-born rapper/singer Azealia Banks is gay (Side note: I just need to let it be known that the only Banks whose team I'm on is Hilary Banks.), but some of the gay community turned on her and yanked on her Daryl-Hannah-in-Splash weave when she threw around the other f bomb on Twitter last night.
The messiness all started when Azealia, who is known for popping off at her rivals on Twitter, threw a subtle diss at rapper Angel Haze when she tweeted: "Seriously, if you were not born and raised in NY ... DON'T CLAIM NY. YOU ARE NOT A NEW YORKER." Because both of them needed the press, Angel Haze shot back and the two went at it like two 8th graders pulling each other's hair in front of the cafeteria. Azealia and Angel Haze (which sounds like the worst smelling Victoria's Secret fragrance ever) then took their fight to Garage Band by hitting each other with their own diss tracks. Then right after Azealia threw more hate at Angel Haze for having the Flatiron District on her chest, Perez Hilton poked his head into the fight when he tweeted this: "You got something against girls with small breasts???"
And then Azelaia turned her back to Angel, put another layer of Crisco on her face, dipped her glued-up hands in broken glass and went after Perez. The two scratched at each other's faces and shit got really serious when she called him a "messy faggot." Perez was shocked and appalled by this since we all know that the other f bomb has never fallen off his tongue before. Here's the gist of their flame war:
So if I look up "messy faggot" in Azealia's Dictionary, there will be a picture of Perez Hilton next to the definition: "a male who acts like a cunt." THE HELL? As a gay dude who IS a cunt, I am extremely offended by this and need a personal apology from that troll Azealia right away. Azealia did issue a non-apology last night and then when she woke up this morning, she didn't back down:
Oh, Twitter, turning "celebrities" into dumb bitches since 2006.
Professional fuckery maker and the embarrassment of the Keeblers elves came out of retirement the other night to tell jokes at a show in Los Angeles and he used his time on stage to say he knows of a black movie star whose b-hole tingles for the peen. As Will Smith shook with nervousness right out of his panties, Katt Williams said that Jamie Foxx is a gay. Some people acted all shocked, but mostly everybody else let a "meh," because the rumor that Jamie Foxx likes to squeeze peens with his luscious pecs has been around since the beginning of time. But Katt Williams went even farther by naming names.
HuffPo posted a video of Katt saying that Jamie is wrapping his Foxx hole around the dick belonging to singer Marcus Anthony who's on his label. After Katt said that Jamie Foxx loves peen, he went on a rant about how he turned down a role in Django Unchained, because that shit is racist.
“Who’s gay? Jamie Foxx. I can even tell you the name of the dude he fucked. His name is Marcus Anthony; he’s the only dude signed to Jamie Foxx’s label. Check it out and then Twitter the dude and ask him to see if he'll say yes. The dude told me backstage at a show and he told me I could bring him onstage and air it out. I said, 'No, nigga, let me wait until I get to L.A.'
Fuck Jamie Foxx and the 'Django Unchained' check he cashed. They offered me the script and I said, 'Any nigga that do this deserves to die. And the next thing I heard, Jamie Foxx was in makeup. I went to the set myself and I couldn't believe it. I got a copy of the script. They gave me a copy of the script written in Spielberg's hands. The words 'fuck you, nigger' appear one hundred and seventy six times in the script."
And here's the video if your eyes need that today:
The two most shocking parts of that video is that: a) Katt Williams actually showed up for a show and; b) Katt Williams had a mic in his hand and managed not to beat the brains out of his one of fans.
During my first couple of weeks of preschool, I was a nightmare of a cunt child and I made it clear that I didn't want to be there. I threw my shoes at walls and tried to escape whenever I had a chance. Eventually, the teachers refused to let me wear shoes and made me sit in the middle of them during story and nap time so I wouldn't quit that bitch and run for the door. They should've had me arrested, honestly. My mom moved me to another preschool and then I was fine. (Note: My new-preschool had a giant Hot Dog and a giant Cinderella pumpkin in the playground, so I'm guessing that had something to do with why I suddenly decided to calm the shit down. Or my mom snuck weed in my morning peaches & cream oatmeal.) Anyway, Katt Williams should be put in a prison cell crib for continuing to spread the fuckery, but in the meantime they should take his shoes away and force him to sit between two preschool teachers at all times.
Katt has done a whole lot of foolish shit, including slapping a Target employee, during the past few weeks and you can add another one to the list. TMZ says that an audience member at Katt's show in Seattle two Fridays ago has filed a $250,000 lawsuit against him for whipping him in the head with a mic. In the video, the angry leprechaun gets mad at Carlos Casto-Lin for recording his show. Katt sashays up to Carlos and says, "It could happen to you. Record me and see what happens to you. Go home and get your raggedy pistol and bring it back. I already got mine" before bopping him in the head with the mic. Carlos says he suffered a concussion and he won't ever be able to calmly sit in the same room as a troll doll without fearing for his life.
The only thing that really surprises me about the video is that Katt was able to whoop that trick on the head with a mic. How was he able to do that? I didn't see an assistant put a stepladder in front of Katt. I didn't hear Katt ask for a lift. How did little ass Katt reach that dude's head? Katt is magic! Yes, Katt uses his powers for evil, but he's still magic.
Donald Trump dropped his huge bombshell that was supposed to send the election off the rails, and as expected, it's about as explosive as a flea's follow-up queef. Trump didn't say that Obama's nose swallowed the Lohan powder during his college days. Trump didn't say that the Obamas almost got divorced one time a million years ago. Trump's huge announcement is that he'll write a $5 million check to Obama's charity of choice if the president releases all of his college records, applications and passport stuff. I need that $5 million so I can build a time machine and go back to the 80s to kick my young self in the face for buying the Trump board game at a garage sale.
Obama has until 5pm on Halloween to hand over all those stupid documents or Donald Trump is ripping up that $5 million check. Can the entire $5 million go to the FDTTACSSCOHBEF (Feed Donald Trump To Ann Coulter So She Chokes On His Bloated Ego Foundation), because I might chip in a few coins if it can. This greasy cheese bubble-looking twat.
You shouldn't even bother listening to what that talking merkin has to say. Just watch this video of a fox eating and burying marshmallows instead:
This fox would never EVER blackmail a president.... unless that president had 5 million bags of marshmallows and then he might.
People who live on East 10th Street in NYC's East Village will soon hear naked virgins scream out the words "A TODDLER TROLL IS TRYING TO EAT MY BLOOD! HELP HELP! I mean, FIRE FIRE!" as they run down the street, because 26-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen is moving into the neighborhood with her French dadfriend. 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy has been nibbling on Mary-Kate's troll twat for a few months now and they will continue to gross us all out, because they're taking their love to the next level by moving in together.
Page Six says that Olivier has paid $6.25 million for a 4,200 square foot townhouse that was built in the olden times. Olivier will own the East Village's new house of horrors, but apparently Mary-Kate approves of it and likes it because it's old. (Too easy.) Curbed has pictures of the townhouse and we really should admire it before the walls are covered in the screams of the innocent, goat nutsacks and posters from past Olsen movies. That last one is the most terrifying, I know.
All shade aside, I'm happy (not really) that a 42-year-old French dude who looks like a 52-year-old French dude and a 26-year-old girl who looks like an 8-year-old dressed up as Snow White's old witch have found love in a hopeless place. And note to Ryan Murphy, you now have your plot for the third season of American Horror Story.
Last year, PETA figuratively threw a can of red paint at Mary-Kate and Ashley Trollsen after their fashion line The Row put out a $39,000 alligator backpack that looked like a giant pregnant roach. That ugly backpack made of Wally Gator's mom sold out, because sometimes rich people get bored with burning their money in front of the poors and so they spend it on overpriced, ugly crap instead. Mixing their two favorite loves, making money and sucking the souls out of animals, worked so well the first time that those two Cruella de Trolls are doing it again.
The Zoe Report says that The Row is selling a "second generation" version of their alligator backpack, but this time they've covering it with patches of real fur instead of the carcass of a gator. Before I tell you how much this traveling animal cemetery costs, let me tell you all the things you could buy instead of buying this bundle of Muppet pubes:
- A Smart Car full of BUNNIES!!!!!
- A mountain of 30,000 KFC cheese top burgers that you can dive into and then eat yourself out of.
- 100 lap dances from OctoMom and 20 handjobs from Lindsay Lohan followed by 100 therapy sessions and 10 visits to the free clinic.
- 112 Olsen Barbies that you can skin and turn into a dozen Olsen doll backpacks.
- The handle of a Birkin bag.
You can buy any one of those things or you can make the Trollsen empire even richer by spending $16,900 on one of PETA's worst nightmares. Yeah, that bag is almost $17,000. The alligator one is almost $40k, so this is A DEAL! Seriously, though, that's a lot of money for a bag that is as tortured, busted and raggedy as the bags who designed it. Well, I guess it's the perfect thing to carry out in public if your ass is out of flour and you need a bitch to throw some at you.
The Hollywood sign still has dried tears on it from when Amanda Bynes quit acting for five seconds that one time, and now it has to suffer through the pain of knowing that one of the goth trolls who used to nibble on the bones of squirrels under it has retired from the acting world for the rest of eternity. Ashley Olsen is really busy selling $39,000 backpacks to total fucking morons and she no longer has a passion for memorizing lines and saying them in a dead monotone voice in front of a camera. While Mary-Kate Olsen is acting in a bunch of crap, Ashley tells Elle UK that she's through with it:
“We worked non-stop until we were 18. Then we decided to take a break and go to school – and that was when we decided to question whether we would carry on in entertainment. It was time to step behind the process. I wanted to work on other things.
It doesn’t mean I’m not interested in Hollywood, I like the way it operates and the people who are involved and the sense of possibility. But if I ever do get back in, it’s not going to be as an actress. It just felt right to move away.”
But...but... If a movie needs two pieces of driftwood covered in yellow seaweed, who's going to play the other one? If Hollywood does a reimagining of The Shining with The Chronicles of Narnia characters in the lead roles, who's going to play the other Gollum Twin? Oh well, I guess if Hollywood really needs another Olsen Troll, they'll get the Illuminati to make them another one using a garden gnome and the blood of a sacrificed chipmunk. At least we'll always have Holiday in the Sun.