Trolls

Spencer Pratt has made the biggest mistake of his douche life by lashing out at the evil troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen. Spencer responded to MK telling David Letterman that she went to high school with Spencie and that he has a bad temper. That's all she said!

Well, Twatty Pratt fired back to UsWeekly, "I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

I'm sure MK is crying into her piles and piles of money. She's probably so upset that she's shitting into her piles of money. Scratch that. Evil trolls don't go doody time.

Twatty messed with the wrong evil troll. MK will get her revenge! He should stay away from bridges and large trees for a while.

Yesterday, I talked about how seeing the Olsens smile makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Well, watching and hearing one of them talk is worse! Mary-Kate Olsen was on Letterman last night to promote that Wack movie or whatever it's called. It looks like that little evil troll got a hold of some of the bad stuff, because she looked stoooooneeeeeed. She said she was just "tired," but that's what all stoners say when they are stoooooned. I also couldn't take my eyes off her yellow baby fingers. They looked like tiny bananas. And her voice is like that of an evil California troll with a bunch of taffy in its mouth.

She talked to Letterman about a bunch of boring shit like sleeping on a bus to Nashville for her birthday and how she went to high school with Spencer Pratt. Letterman seriously despises Spencer and is plotting his downfall. Yeah, what downfall? You can't fall from the bottom.

Anytroll, MK would probably be fun to smoke out with. She'd giggle the whole fucking time. You'd tickle her and play with her banana fingers. She would eventually let the evil takeover and she'd put a spell on you. That would be the end of you.

Here's MK saying "prune" outside of Letterman yesterday.

When evil trolls smile, something bad is going to happen. Mary-Kate Olsen has been smiling too much lately which means the end of the world is near. She's already set up her safe shelter in a tree trunk underneath a bridge and filled it with dead squirrels and big girl shoes.

MK showed her evil troll teefs at the premiere of "The Wackness" in NYC last night. This is the same movie where 22-year-old MK makes out with 64-year-old Ben Kingsley. Sir Ben told People, "She was completely in charge."

For Sir Ben's sake, I hope MK didn't use tongue. Feeling baby lizard tongue go down your throat will eff you up for life.

We already have 10 million reality shows featuring boring ass celebrities, why not add another one to the pile?! TV Guide reports that Janet Jackson will develop a new show for MTV. Janet will search churches, YMCAs and places like that to find the next big music star. She better search strip clubs too. There's some mighty fine talent in those joints.

The show will be shot in the next few months, before Janet goes off on her world tour.

Okay, I'm all for this as long as Troll Dupri co-stars in this mess! He's one of my favorite trolls, because he looks friendly and cheery. Not like those evil Olsen trolls! Troll Dupri looks like he'll dance a jig for you on command and rub your belly with his bald head when you're feeling down.

And LaToya Jackson better serve as the dance captain and stylist. If Janet doesn't involve Troll Dupri or LaToya in this shit, it's going to blow-o. Shit, it's going to blow anyway!

Here's Janet and Troll Dupri at some Cartier event last night.

Celebrities have kibble for brains, so they will wear whatever some insane gay stylist tells them to wear. Some of these pictures below are proof of that. You are smarter than this. Just say no!

Naomi Campbell wasn't the only foolio to wear genie/MC Hammer pants to the CFDA Awards last night. Maggie GyllenHAG did too and the results have given me a headache. She looks like Rhoda and Hammer's bastard child.

Hammer pants will never be cute! They should be banished for eternity along with diaper shorts, skorts and dickies! You can add your own suggestions in the comments. I'm still dizzy from Maggie's fugness.

I'm seriously making thumbnail #5 my new wallpaper. Maggie is making sure to keep very still. If she moves just a little, Posh Mantis will sense her fear and attack!

I've also noticed that Posh hardly ever poses without her hands on her hips. If she removes her hands, the top half of her body will collapse!

Below is also some Ashley Olsen. She's smiling! You know it's going to be a good day when you see a troll smile. Or maybe it's going to be a bad day, because she secretly knows the evil that's coming our way.

The paps nearly crushed Hayden Panatroll at LAX yesterday. Must have been a slow day on the pap stroll. They nearly knocked the buff troll down to the ground. The good news is that she doesn't have far to fall. She's like two feet tall, fully erect.

I don't know why the paps are stressing out over a shot of her! They could just go down to the local garden store, put a dirty blonde wig on a garden gnome, snap a few and call it a day!

I had my laugh waiting in the wings, hoping they knocked her troll ass to the ground. I love seeing people fall. The other day, I saw some little kid hit the ground hard. It took every bone in my body to keep from bursting out laughing. Tears were coming out of my eyes because that laugh was trying to push its way out. I'm making progress! Two years ago, I would have let that laugh out and pointed!

David Archuleta's crazy stage daddy from hell, Jeff Archuleta, has reportedly been banned from rehearsals for "American Idol." TMZ claims that everyone including producers, contestants, the band and the vocal coaches have had it with him.

The straw that broke the Mormon's back came this past week when Jeff wanted to change the lyrics of David's first song "Stand By Me." Jeff wanted David to throw in a verse from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls." The producers denied his crazy ass. Well, David sang it anyway. This created a major problem with the song's publisher and Idol had to pay up.

Lawyers told Jeff that he was banned from all rehearsal rooms. He can attend the live show, but can't go backstage. TMZ also claims Jeff was banned from "Star Search" a few years back when David was a contestant on that show.

No wonder the judges get all wet for David! Jeff probably threatened to flush all of Paula's happy pills down the toilet if she didn't proclaim that his son is the second coming. Paula has no choice!

Seriously, if David Archuleta doesn't win, his face is going to end up on a milk carton. I'm voting for David Cook. Well, I want to see Jeff Archuleta storm the stage and take everyone hostage. Those Mormons can get crazy!

Ryan Gaycrest already has a radio show, a TV job on E!, American Idol and now comes word that he may violate our TV screens even more. The Scoop reports that Gaycrest is in talks to replace Larry King later next year. CNN must really despise this country.

Gaycrest regularly fills in when Larry goes and gets his heart restarted. A sourcie said that Gaycrest is looking to make a serious change in his career, “He's so serious about his career, but like anyone, he wants it to evolve. Hosting ‘Larry King’ would be perfect for him." If he wants a serious change, might I suggest early retirement? I'm sure there's a deserted island somewhere with his name on it.

A spokeswhore for Gaycrest would not comment.

Don't you fret, this disaster will never take place. Larry King is never retiring, because he will live on forever. Zombies don't die.

Thanks Mike

Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I'm yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.

I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn't miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn't perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.

So....here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser's on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I'm starting to think it's actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.

One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete's heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don't think they could function if their hair was not straight.

Janet Jackson may be making the biggest mistake of her life by marrying Troll Dupri. Ok, that wouldn't be the biggest mistake of her life. The biggest mistake of her life was making "Poetic Justice." I take that back. Hearing Janet say "you wanna smell my punane" made the movie. Anyway, Page Six reports that Janet has been looking at bridal gowns. She recently hit up Badgley Mischka for samples.

A source said, "She's preparing for her private nuptials." Who the hell are these sources and why do they talk like dictionary robots?

This would be Janet's third wedding if it happens. Don't do it Janet! Don't marry the troll. Ok you can marry him, but only if you build the whole theme on him. A troll wedding! I want guests to sit on little toadstools, drink berry juice and dance a jig. The Olsens can be the flower trolls.