Trolls

Looking like if a baby sasquatch ran off in the middle of getting a full body shave, Snooki walked the streets of Florence, Italy with Deena (or maybe that's my uncle in drag as Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding) today, because she's no longer allowed to drive. After the producers of Jersey Shore promised Snooki a singing pickle vibrator if she crashed into her police escort for ratings, the authorities in Italy revoked her drivers license. There's no need to stock up on pickles and antibiotics, because they're not going to deport her back to America yet.

It was first reported there were no injuries, but that's a lie. That Brother Berenstain Bear looking bitch put two cops in the hospital with minor injuries. UsWeekly says that the cops, who were hired to escort Snooki through Florence, are thinking of pressing charges against her and she faces criminal prosecution if they do. The cops have 90 days to decide what to do. And by that I mean that MTV has 90 days to try to pay them off.

Has anybody started an "Amanda Knox For Snooki" campaign yet, because it needs to happen. But seriously, Italy is almost rid of Snooki and they aren't going to let anything get in the way of that. That's why she won't face charges and she won't go to jail. Snooki could blind a dozen Italian children with the bones of murdered kittens and the Italian police would still shrug and say, "So your flight's at 6, right?"

Here's more of Snooki in and out of a neck brace in Florence today. Aunt Nelda, this bitch ain't!

Usually the fairytale romance between a New York gnome and a Ukrainian ogre cannot be, but I had hopes that Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko would prove everybody wrong. They didn't. The midget Kimber Henry and the Tom Thumb of Eastern Europe have announced that after two years of using free-standing ladders and a boost from strangers to kiss each other on the mouth, they have ended their relationship. Our only hope that troll and giant relations can last forever now solely lies on the shoulders of the Jolly Green Giant and his bottom ho Little Green Sprout.

The end of their love had nothing to do with the fact that Hayden was sick and tired of checking into a doll hospital to have her internal organs arranged in their correct positions every time she fucked on Wladmir. No, the problem was that while she's flying all over the world as a route marker on the Amazing Race, Wladmir is in Europe, punching bitches in the face for a check. It was never going to work. Miss Lollipop Guild of 2011 gave this statement to People about their break up.

"Even though we've decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends.

Wladmir also released his own paragraph of words: "We had a great time together, but it's not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents. I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we'll keep our friendship even after the separation."

This is a sad one for me. When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!

Hayden is obviously not crying over shit, because here she is hanging out with her friends, Pinata Tinkerbell and faceless Mona Lisa, in L.A. yesterday.

You would think that Sheen's Korner would be a place of endless LOL sermons and crackhead theatrics, but it turns out it's about as entertaining as a dude in a chicken suit twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development (no offense to dudes in chicken suits twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development). Charlie Sheen ended his week-long media tour of fuckery last night on a sad boring note when he hosted "Sheen's Korner" on Ustream. Charlie recited some dumb poem, told his kids he missed them, flashed his "winning" tattoo and announced his new Tiger Blood drink, but it all looked like a cumless cum shot to me.

The word "winning" is about to file a restraining order against Charlie and tigers are lining up to to get dog blood transfusions. Winning has officially become losing. The only drinking game for this mess is that every time Charlie or one of his minions says the word "winning" your soul will take a shot of its own vomit. It also doesn't help that Charlie looks like the Crypt Keeper version of Matt Drudge. Charlie needs to turn off the red siren and stop.

And instead of wasting minutes of your time on Charlie's mess, you might want to watch Bill Hader's impersonation of Charlie Sheen from last night's SNL.

I must have missed that scene in Labyrinth where a fiery prince with hair like a volcano's luscious vagina bush tries to charm one of King Jareth's goblin minions. But here's Prince Hot Ginge and Ronnie Wood recreating that scene for us at the Asprey World Cup in Ewhurst, England yesterday afternoon. Ronnie jumped off from his usual spot (sitting on top a third grader's pencil circa 1987) and snatched his Brazilian girlfriend from her crib to watch Prince Hot Ginge in action.

And while Ronnie was thinking about how he'd love to suck the dreams out of Prince Hot Ginge's head in the middle of the night, everybody else was probably focused on the satchels of gold (Yes, this is what Kelly Bensimon meant) in PHG's pants. I want to go to there. Oh wait, I should translate that into British talk: I want to go to there, guv'na!

It's okay to stare at PHG's royal jewels as long as you curtsy before it and only address it as "Your Royal Bulgeness..." And if you'll excuse me, I have to go stick my no-no over a bottle of smelling salts.

Famewhore Rehab was supposed to start shooting today with Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler (don't even wake your Google for that bitch) , but TMZ says that production has been put on pause because Vh1 failed to get a big name in the door.

Apparently, they tried to woo Lindsay Lohan with $1 million and her own show, but even that wreck turned it down. LiLo would rather degrade herself in a straight to pay-per-view porn move than in a reality show. Thankyouverymuch.

Sources say that Tila and Jason were the only ones who signed on, so producers have pushed production back until they can get more fame fuckers and has-beens to agree to spill their shit out to Dr. Drew.

The main problem is that Tila Tequila is in that cast. Who in their right (or even cracked out) mind would move into a house with that shady goblin? AND a house that is free of booze and the bad shit? TORTURE! That's not rehab, that's a room in Hostel. Even the Surgeon General warns bitches that if you're going to be in the presence of Tila Tequila, you better freebase something mind-altering before, during and after.

So Dr. Drew needs to drop Tila off under the bridge he found her, because he should be trying to get junkies to run away from the pipe. Not the other way around.

When Tila Tequila was announced as one of the wrecks on the next season of Celebrity Rehab, I figured she was going in just to feed her addiction to camera lenses and fakery. But Radar claims that Tila is addicted to Ambien. Specifically, Tila loves to crush up Ambien pills and snort that that shit up her lizard nostril.

The source close to Tila who is probably Tila herself told Radar, “She would base her entire day around it. She would wake up, snort Ambien, Google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep."

Tila wrote on her blog that she needs to clean up her mess for the sake of her gigantic media empire: “I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life! I MUST not be another 'LINDSAY LOHAN' where I just flush everything I worked so hard for down the toilet for nothing…”

Tila is in luck, because I'm pretty sure the toilet would spit that shit back out.

You know, Ambien ain't shit. Ambien is doing all of us wrong, because it's supposed to put those annoying bitches to sleep! Instead it's keep them up and giving them a reason to act the fool. Tiger Woods can do all sorts of filthy Donkey Punch stuff and then blame it on Ambien. Tila can scoot her skid marks all over Twitter and then blame it on Ambien. Ambien needs to go an "Eat Pray Love" journey of self-discovery, so it can come back and do what it's supposed to do: Knock those bitches out!

I KNOW! I KNOW! You keep trying to drag me away from the animal cages, but I won't stop throwing peanut shells at them. You even rubbed my nose in the "Do Not Feed The Beasts" sign, but I didn't get the clue. You were even kind enough to wipe their wet dung off my face after they threw it at me, but I still can't stop!

I feel like if I have to suffer, you have to suffer too. It's kind of like the time (just go with it) your friend made a green caca from drinking a black raspberry Coke slushie from Burger King, and called you into the bathroom so that you could see it. It's like that. We're all standing around the toilet together. Which leads me to these pictures of Tila Tequila Worm squirming around on the floor (where she belongs) at some Maxim party in Los Angeles last night. It's fitting that bitch looks like a used tampon that fell out of the Kraken's snatch. It was a heavy flow week.

Now I know how the dude selling oranges on the corner feels when a Food 4 Less opens next to him. Tila Tequila is kicking all us hos off our corners by launching a brand new celebrity gossip blog which will be the #1 gossip site in the world!

My mother taught me to never trust an animatronic goblin, but I actually believe Tila. Tila will rule the internet. Case in point: "LET'S ALL FORGIVE CHRIS BROWN TODAY!!" Yup, it's a fucking wrap.

via Videogum

Hayden Pantytroll is one step closer to touring civic light operas across the country as Sandy Duncan AS Peter Pan thanks to this new haircut she debuted at an Avatar Earth Day party in Los Angeles last night.

Methinks Hayden's giant Russian boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko persuaded her to get the cut, so that their kinky role playing sessions (examples: Hayden as Jack & Wladimir as The Beanstalk, Hayden as Little Sprout & Wladimir as Jolly Green Giant, etc...) will be more realistic. Dirty raunchy freaks! Get it, I guess.

Russell Hantz, the diabolical troll on Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, was put in toddler-sized handcuffs in Louisiana after he allegedly got violent on a bitch at the Festival International de Louisiane. Obviously, the bitch in question was wearing an "I Hate Ewoks" t-shirt. Or maybe they just failed to answer Russell's riddle when trying to cross the bridge.

TMZ says that Russell got into a fight with someone and "shoved" them to the ground. The police took him down to the station and he was later released to the Keeblers.

HA. Okay, who did Russell get in a fight with? A special needs Roly Poly? Russell is the size of a Smurf's hairy butt wart, so if he's coming at you, all you have to do is squat a bit and hold up your palm to his forehead. After a few minutes of running in place, he'll grow tired and take a nap at your feet.

With all that being said, I'd hit it. WELL, you know he would find an immunity idol in my asshole, and that would totally turn me on.