Reality TV

Tonya Cooley of The Real World: Chicago and a thousand editions of that Real World/Road Rules Challenge mess has thrown a lawsuit at MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions and her co-stars Kenny Santucci (left) and Evan Starkman (right) for the alleged sexual abuse she suffered while shooting a challenge in Thailand. One of those acts of sexual abuse involved the thing you used to scrub the sleep jank off of your teeth this morning. Yes, this is what happens when people stop being polite. They rape you with a damn Oral-B.

TMZ says that Tonya's lawsuit claims that while she was passed out, Kenny and Evan stole another dude's toothbrush and used it to brush her labia lips and even put it in her vagina. Tonya says that the cameras caught every bit of her getting toothbrushed in the vagina and not one member of production tried to stop them. Instead, Tonya says producers got rid of some of the evidence by replacing the toothbrush and they never told her about it.

Tonya wasn't the only girl who went through some not right shit. According to Tonya, several of the girls complained to producers about the dudes grabbing at their off-limit parts before, after and during challenges. The producers never did anything about it and even fueled the illegal fuckery by "stripping the female contestants of their bathing suits" and encouraging the dudes to "inappropriately touch female cast members' bodies, including in intimate areas."

Kenny and Evan never got into trouble for allegedly raping Tonya, but she was later kicked off for slapping the fake tan off of Veronica.

Tonya is suing for unspecified damages. Both MTV and Bunim/Murray kept their lips closed about this as of yesterday.

I have watched every Real World and every challenge and Tonya definitely comes off as a tiny hurricane of crazy who spits out lies. But Kenny and Evan are certified douche fucks of epic proportions. Kenny is a piece of smug shit whose brains are operated by AXE body spray and think he's the greatest thing to happen to women folk in the history of ever. Evan is what would happen if Mr. Potato Head ate a gamma bomb before it detonated. Bitch not only looks like a block of white cheddar cheese, but he's as smart as one to. That's not fair to say. If we put a block of cheddar cheese next to Evan and asked them to spell out their name slowly, the block of cheddar cheese would answer correctly before Evan's stupid ass did. So you don't have to choke my nipple knobs with floss to get me to say that I 100% believe that these two assholes are capable of doing fucked up shit like this.

And where was Bethasaurus when we needed her most?!

It wasn't not funny, indeed.

Meanwhile, Joe Francis just sent a basket to MTV thanking them for temporarily making him look less predator-ey. I mean, raped with a toothbrush? THE HELL? Please hold me, CT.

Jessica Simpson doesn't have the skills to be a judge for the South Carolina State Fair's Annual Pig Costume Contest, and yet she somehow was chosen to be the guest judge at Project Runway's finale runway show in NYC yesterday morning. And Jessica confirmed that she's the second coming of Coco Chanel by wearing an unfortunate dress that made her look like Ethan Suplee in bootleg drag as Endora going to a funeral. Blame Michael Kors for giving Jess another "This Is Not The Look" moment, because he designed that mess.

I know Jessica Simpson sells a lot of shoes at Macy's and shit, but JWoww also has a clothing line and you don't see her as a guest on Project Runway (Crystal ball says "Please welcome guest judge...JWoww - Heidi Klum next season"). I mean, Jessica has the fashion sense of a damn squirrel!

Wait, I take that back. Sugar Bush has proven that squirrels have impeccable taste in fashion:

Hell, Sugar Bush should've been the guest judge instead of Jessica!

The only reality show Aubrey O'Day should be on is Animal Cops, because of all the fuckery she has put Ginger O'Day (the bitch on the far left) through. If the picture above moved, you'd see Ginger blinking a message in Morse code with her eyes. Bitch would be like: "H-E-L-P-M-E-E-E-E". But I'm sure we'll see Ginger's blink for help in Aubrey's new reality show for Oxygen. Yes, Aubrey is getting her own reality show, because giving hand jobs to any dude in a suit will eventually pay off for some hos (I'm still handjobbing away....)!

The press release from Oxygen is hilarious. White Oprah must be writing press releases in her spare time:

"Young women have watched the ups and downs of Aubrey through the years, and they continue to cheer her on. We're excited to deliver her story as she battles the issues that resonate with our audience, from self-doubt and body image to an intense desire for success and redemption."

More like we've watched Aubrey go from having a normal face to looking like a bronzer-covered goiter ripped off of Kim Kardashian's taint. And who is sitting in Aubrey's cheer section? Okay, Ginger is, but only because she's trying to escape by crawling between the bleacher seats.

via THR

Vh1 has announced the cast for Dr. Drew's Hour of Crackheaded Foolery and it looks like season four will be filled with zero celebrities and zero rehab, but a whole lot of potent fuckery to the tenth degree! And you can trust me when I say that most of the fuckery will be flowing out of the lemur goblin known as Frankie Lons.

Everything you need to know about Frankie can be found here. Dr. Drew better tighten his tie, because Frankie will be swinging around that shit like it was a stripper pole by episode two! I also can't wait for the episode when Dr. Drew finds out what happens when you feed Frankie after dark.

Even though Celebrity Rehab can shoot an entire season with just Frankie, she will have some company. Sadly, the Empress of Lucite is not in the cast, but this is for the best. Shauna really doesn't want to break the hearts of a bunch of crackheads when they fall in love with her at first sight, which they will. Shauna cares too much to put someone through that.

Frankie's supporting cast will include: Janice Dickinson, Jason "They Forced Me To Smoke Crack" London, Gummi Bear, Jason Wahler from Laguna Beach, Leif Garrett and Tiger Woods' #1 mistress whore Rachel Uchitel.

Yes, Janice and Frankie in the same house together. This is probably not going to end well. A few weeks into shooting, the police will receive a 911 call from the clinic. The cops will arrive at the clinic and find it completely empty except for a camcorder on the floor. When they push play on the camcorder, they'll see Dr. Drew facing a corner with his back to them. Then they will hear Janice and Frankie cackling together before the tape goes to black. Blair Witch doesn't have shit on Frankie or Janice.

(Frankie's beautiful portrait via FreddYo)

You know how when an A-list superstar signs up to a movie and other A-list superstars also sign up because they like to stick together (just throw me a "yes" and keep walking with me)? Well, that's what is happening to Celebrity Rehab right now.

Yesterday, it was reported that The Empress of Lucite is floating into Celebrity Rehab, and today my favorite Pointer Sister, Bonnie Pointer, lifted her hand up from the dumpster and yelled, "ME TOO!"

TMZ says that Bonnie, who has a history of snorting anything that comes in a vial or Ziploc bag, is joining the cast! The ratings are about to soar higher than Bonnie's state of mind the day after her royalty check comes in!

I mean, Shauna and Bonnie under the same roof? Heaven is really apologizing to us for taking Rue McClanahan too soon. Shauna and Bonnie are totally going to bond over their intense love of lip liner, which will lead to them starting a disco duo! Every strip club that accepts food stamps as tips better clear their schedule, because a new headliner is about to come through!

And if you've never shook hands with Bonnie's brand of crack crack craziness, then watch this video of her at work from a few of months ago. It will turn you into a believer:

On last night's OMGWTFSHOCKINGFIRSTTIMEFOREVERYTHING (their words) episode of The Bachelor, Rozlyn Papa, the 28-year-old make-up artist and single mother, was shown the exit after she allegedly had an "inappropriate relationship" with a male producer.

The show's host Chris Harrison, who talks slower than Forrest Gump on ludes, informed Rozlyn that the producer was fired. Rozlyn made me choke on an immunity rose (I eat one during every episode) when she said that she didn't think her personal life was anybody's business. After Chris Harrison finished swallowing the laugh that wanted to jump out of his mouth, he told Rozyn that she would also have to leave the house because Bachelor Jake is serious about finding a wife. And that's when I really choked on my immunity rose.

The show's episode never addressed what exactly Rozlyn and this dude producer did. Rozlyn swears to Entertainment Tonight that she never got sexy with the producer and they were just good friends. But Chris Harrison says that Roz and the producer did swap bodily fluids.

Okay, let's say Roz and the producer 69ed in the middle of the rose ceremony room. Who fucking cares? The Bachelor is dating more than one bitch at the same time, so why can't the girls? Are they saying that Bachelor Jake is the only ho who gets to suck on more than one tongue? Are the girls supposed to keep their vaginas and tongues to themselves while waiting for Jake to scoop them up? They should change the title of that show to THE HAREM.

But the most upsetting part was how Rozlyn looked when they gave her the ax. They should've given her some kind of notice, so she could've brought the glamour for the dramatic occasion. Bitch needed big hair, big cleavage and big heels! Roz looked like Nomi Malone in a bootleg Versayce, when she should've looked like a Cristal Connors.

Naomi Campbell's rep confirms to the Daily Mail (via Vogue UK) that she in talks to host and judge a new X-Factor style modeling show. Think of it as America's Next Top Model as seen through the eyes of Stephen King. Shit's going to be a MASSACUH.

Naomi's spokeswhore would only say, "Naomi has been approached with an offer, which we are talking about and discussing. An initial approach has been made. We are discussing that offer, but nothing is set in stone yet."

Well jam that bitch into a rock, because this needs to happen. Seeing Naomi attack wannabe models will make my cunt cells explode. Hopefully, they give every contestant a helmet, because you know Naomi is going to eliminate girls by beating them in the head with her Blackberry.

And instead of "smizin," Naomi is going to expect those little hos to "shit bricks with their eyez" every time she rounds the corner. Shitzin!

Kirstie Alley has signed a deal (in donut frosting) with A&E to star in her own reality show. This shit is going to make the bitches on Hoarders, Intervention and Obsessed look like healthy and sane individuals.

Radar says that cameras will start rolling this month. The show will mostly focus on Kirstie's struggle with losing the chunk. And I'm sure the show will also follow Kirstie as she hides in Jamie Foxx's bushes and steals used condoms out of his trash can. Seriously, those of you who have been to the Land of Crazy (aka Kirstie's Twitter page) know what I'm talking about. Kirstie loves Jamie Foxx almost as much as she loves deep fried barley. Almost.

Here's a few recent examples:

"Enough of haters. Haters are lonely little rat people with 3 followers who love to hate also. Let's talk about LOVE stuff. LOVE Mr. Foxx!"

"I'm going to make a big announcement on Oprah TUESDAY..No, I'm not pregnant with Mr. Foxx's love child.....that I know of"

"I think the baby name will be JAIMTIE ALLEY FOXX ...gotta admit it's original...and NO ONE else will steal it!"

"Gotta go make love to Mr. Foxx... He hates it when i keep him waiting.. Be back in 7 hours unless he's over the flu. In which case... 9"

Actually, I'm going to excuse myself now, because that kind of looks like my diary entries about Anderson Cooper. Hmmm...I wonder if the free clinic has opened a psych ward yet?

If you fart really loud in a crowded room, a TV executive will pitch you a reality show about it, so it's no surprise that Balloon Boy's family might get a reality show out of all this fuckery. TMZ says that the Heene family began pitching a reality show to the networks months ago. They billed themselves as a "wacky family," and approached the company who produces Wife Swap. When they got shot down there, they took their idea to TLC. TLC confirmed that the Heenes did come at them, but their show idea was turned down.

Since all the networks farted on their idea, maybe the Heenes felt they needed to pull some real shit to get noticed. The "popping a kindergarten class out of your vagina" thing has already been done, so they got creative. However, the police announced today that they completely believe that it was not a hoax and that the Heenes are telling the truth. The police also confirmed that after the balloon went up in the air, Daddy Heenes called 911 first and then called a local TV station. Daddy Heenes told the cops that he knew the local news station had a helicopter and could monitor the balloon. The police will interview the family again tomorrow after all the morning vomit has cleared.

So back to the reality show thing, I think we all should get one. ALL OF US! I mean, I should be able to turn on my TV and see you in your cubicle reading this while scratching your crotch and smelling it. You should be able to watch me pluck my nose hairs in the morning and eat microwaveable oatmeal out of a large yogurt container. Reality shows for everyone!

But if the Heenes MUST be on a reality show, they obviously need to go on Hoarders. Here's their garage:

After they are done with Hoarders. They can pay a little visit to Intervention. Their addiction? FAMEWHOOOOORING.

Cyndi Lauper had the frowns in NYC the other day for two reasons: a) Captain Lou went off to heaven and b) Cyndi has to look at Donald Trump's hairy hemorrhoid head for the next few weeks. You see, Cyndi is part of the cast of Celebrity Apprentice which started shooting this week. And by the looks on some of their faces you can tell they wish they were being shot...literally.

The rest of the cast includes Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, his My Little Bandanna Weave, Curtis Stone, Rod Blagojevich, Maria Kanellis (some WWE chick), Holly Robinson Peete, Darryl Strawberry, Bill Goldberg (some wrestler-type), Carol Leifer, and Summer Sanders (a gold medalist swimmer).

Hopefully, Tilda Swinton will find a way to break into the boardroom (Tip to Tilda: Disguise yourself as Ivanka's old nose) to wreak havoc.