I Don't Like Jokes

Don Cheadle is a lovely man and skilled thespian. I thoroughly enjoyed his work as Ice Tray in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." That being said, he is not worthy enough to replace Terrence Howard in "Iron Man 2." That's because, nobody is worthy enough. You just can't replace The Howard.

According to The Hollywood Reporter (via CS), Don will play Col. James/War Machine opposite Robert Downey Jr. in the sequel. Terry Howard had the role in the first movie, but a deal couldn't be reached. A source said it was over "over financial differences, among other reasons."

You know what the "among other reasons" is. BABY WIPES! It's a deal breaker for Terry, remember? He probably wanted it in his contract that all females on the set must be "baby wipes fresh" at all times when he is around. The producers should have given him whatever he wanted, because that shit show is going to tank without him. By "tank" I mean it's going to make a gazillion dollars. That's okay, Terry still has music career. Elevators will always need music.

Manwhore Gerard Butler and Travis Barker's ex spent a little time together at the opening of Shin in Hollywood last night. Well, I think Shanna Moakler was trying to get on that dick, but Gerry was too busy trying to stop the room from spinning. Seriously, if you Photoshop her out of the picture, you wouldn't even realize there was a bitch sitting next to him. I think I just gave you an idea. Shanna goes out and a picture of your drunk ass is going in.

Shanna should know that Gerry is a mega clamburglar. He doesn't do this "small talk" shit, so you have to step up your slut game if you want to get a piece. He's obviously not buying what she's trying to sell. Damn. I hate to see a slut fail.

Robert Downey Jr. was in costume today in London for the new Chaplin...I mean...Sherlock Holmes movie. For real. I thought RDJ was dressed as the little tramp for "Chaplin II: The Starbuck Years." Unfortunately, it's for Guy Ritchie's version of Sherlock Holmes.

They should call this crap "Sherlock Hobo" instead, because RDJ looks raggedy as shit! Where the fuck is the little deerstalker cap, the silly pipe or the magnifying glass? Maybe this is Sherlock going undercover as Chaplin? Yeah, I know. Different time periods, but I'm trying to understand.

This shit also stars Jude "Effed Up Hairline" Law as Watson and Rachel McBoring as some broad who will probably scream often.

Here's a few more of Sherlock Chaplin in London today. Guy looks so fucking relaxed and bored for being the movie's director. Shouldn't he be running around and screaming into a bullhorn? Directing a movie is like going on vacation!

Kory McFarren, the dude who left his girlfriend stuck on the toilet seat for a long ass time, has won the Kansas State Lottery! If you've been stuck a toilet seat yourself for the past few months and have no idea what I'm talking about, then click here, here and here to get updated. It's a sordid tale.

So... Kory cashed in his winning $2 Bonus Crossword ticket for $20,000 yesterday. Get this shit. This is the second time he's won the lottery in the past year. Kory's got lady luck stuck to his ass cheeks.

Who knows if Kory and Toilet Lady are still together. She was released from the hospital a few months ago after being stuck to a toilet seat for at least a month. Last I heard, Toilet Lady is living with some guardian and legally is only allowed to pee while squatting over the toilet. I'm joking about that last part.

In July, Kory was sentenced to six months probation after he pleaded no contest to being a dumb fuck for allowing his girlfriend to live in the bathroom for 2 years.

Kory should take that $20,000 and buy Toilet Lady a pair of shiny new ass cheeks. Then he should use the rest to buy a fucking clue.

Thanks Susan

In 1995, there was this show called "High Society" that starred Jean Smart and Mary McDonnell as a couple of rich Manhattan socialites. I was excited for this crap because it was unofficially called the American "Absolutely Fabulous." There was nothing fabulous about it. It was like AbFab on life support. Awful. Obviously, the dumb fucks in Hollywood didn't learn from "High Society's" failure, because they are planning another American version of AbFab. Aim for the wastebasket when you barf.

Variety reports that Fox is putting together a redo of the show about two drunk 40-something bitches. Jennifer Saunders will executive produce. The American version will transplant Edie, Patsy and company from London to Los Angeles. And no, Saunders and Lumley will not be reprising their roles.

Okay, I'm not going to completely bust a diarrhea bomb on this idea, because Jennifer Saunders is involved. However, I just don't see how this shit can work on FOX. They won't be allowed to chain smoke or drug it up all night. So what's the point? You know they are going to cast Christine Baranski and Megan Mullally. Ugh.

And I'm sure the American version of "Nighty Night" isn't far off. Oh, wait. I just googled and it's in the works...... DEATH!

This is a monkey that works hard for the bananas. Or in this case, for the soy beans. The Kayabukiya Tavern in Japan has hired a pair of monkeys, real monkeys, as helpers.

The Kayabukiya Tavern please meet Peta.

Customers come from all around to be served by the two monkeys, Yat-chan and Fuku-chan. The monkeys are certified to work in Japan. Yat-chan is trained to take drink orders while Fuku-chan is on towel duty. Due to animal regulation laws, they can only work two hours a day each. Customers tip with them soy beans. Hey, it's better than peanuts.

The owner of the restaurant said the two monkeys were his pets at first, but one of them started mimicking his actions in the restaurant and that's when he realized he could dress them up and put them to work!

One customer said, "The monkeys are actually better waiters than some really bad human ones."

Well, if you complain, at least they won't curse you out. They might shit in their hands and throw it at your face, but they won't yell at you! On the other hand, they're fucking monkeys! They should be sitting in the trees, scratching their asses and playing with their wangs. Not serving me a fucking cold beer! Hmm...cold beer....

That being said, do you think they do windows? I'm joking! That's what kids are for.

Source: Daily Mail

The sexy piece of Ukrainian beef known as Maksim Chmerkovskiy is out of "Dancing with the Has-Beens" thanks to his partner's busted her ankle! Clumsy bitch!

Access Hollywood reports that Olympic gold medalist Misty May-Treanor broke her ankle during rehearsal yesterday. Her ankle will require surgery so she won't be back to dance. Misty told Star Magazine, "I had problems with this ankle in March so I knew it was delicate, but I just can't believe it broke and I am off the show now! I will have to stay off this ankle for a long while. There is no way I can compete now. It's so sad! I really wanted to win. Now I have no chance."

Misty and Maksim consistently scored 21 out of 30 for their dances. Maksim said, "These things happen. There is nothing you can do about it."

Hmmm....I smell the strong scent of a dirty, grungy mop head! I know that dumb bitch CHERYL BURKE had something to do with this! She foams at the mop head every time Maksim is around and she couldn't stand seeing him bump muscled-up crotches with Misty! CHERYL BURKE sabotaged that poor bitch! MOP HEAD must be stopped! Someone throw Lysol on that skeezer and stuff her in the janitor's closet!

Great. Not only does this mean that we won't have the pleasure of seeing the hot Maksim shake his shit, but I bet you they are going to bring back Kim KardASSIAN. Ugh. They should just let Cloris Leachman dance with Maksim instead. She can handle two partners and two dances. I know it. Cloris and Maksim would melt the dance floor with their raw sensuality.

After hearing this story, Latarian "Hood Rat Stuff" Milton probably said, "Damn. That boy is hardcore."

Warning. This story involves a little boy doing evil, evil things, so if you're looking for something uplifting go read about Heidi and Spencer serving food at Taco Bell. That was a joke.

So...a 7-year-old boy broke into the reptile center at a zoo in Outback Australia on Wednesday morning. For the next 35-minutes the boy killed several reptiles by beating them with rocks. The boy then threw some live and dead reptiles over the fence into the crocodile enclosure. He even climbed another fence to watch the crocodile eat the reptiles. The boy killed 13 animals including a large turtle, bearded dragons, goannas, Thorny Devils and Western Blue tongues.

At first, zoo officials had no idea what the boy had done. They came into work that morning and found Terry the Crocodile eating all of his reptile friends. When officials watched the CCTV footage, they found out what the "expressionless" boy had done. Security cameras didn't catch the boy because of how small he is.

When the boy was questioned, he wouldn't admit anything. The zoo cannot press charges because of his age, but they are considering suing his parents. A zoo official said: "By all accounts he's quite a nasty seven-year-old. If we can't put the blame on to the child, then someone has to accept the responsibility."

Is it too early to start drinking again? What. The. Fuck. Okay, now I know why some parents put their children on wrist leashes. I will never make fun of that again.

Source

Thanks Natalie (I think)

If you're like me, then every now and again you like a nice pair of nuts in your mouth, but this is ridiculous! A Siberian man who goes by the name of Ljubomir Erovic has released an e-cookbook on the Internet that features several recipes with the family jewels being the main ingredient. Nasty. Was Jeffrey Dahmer one of his past sous-chefs? Probably not, because Ljubomir only uses the balls of bulls, stallions, ostriches, pigs and turkeys.

The nutty cookbook includes recipes like testicle pizza, battered testicles and barbecued testicles with giblets.

Ljubomir tells the Daily Mail that testicles can be a powerful aphrodisiac. That's funny, because thinking about eating them makes me want to vomit from my mouth, not from my peen.

He said: "The tastiest testicles in my opinion probably come from bulls, stallions or ostriches, although other people have their own favourites. The best for aphrodisiac properties are sheep and stallion testicles. All testicles can be eaten - except human, of course." At least he draws the line somewhere.

Click here to download "Cooking with Balls." I know what you're having for dinner tonight. And I can't wait to see what's coming next from this publisher. Cooking with Jizz by Parasite Hilton?

Thanks JR

A train station in India has a problem with a bunch of bitchy ass monkeys bothering their passengers, so they hired a man to dress as a monkey to scare them off. By the looks of the dude's uniform it looks like the only thing he's scaring off are the passengers. Couldn't they have given him a friendlier looking monkey costume?! He looks like some evil demon monkey! I bet his wife has a fucking heart attack every time he comes home.

He may look like a scary ass monkey to us, but he looks like a fool to the monkeys. You know those bitchy monkeys don't give a human's ass! They sit there, eating their bananas, scratching their red asses and laughing at the poor motherfucker crawling around like his back just went out. Those monkeys are thinking to themselves, "Ain't that a bitch!"

Click here if you can't watch the video above.

Thanks Vanessa