I Don't Like Jokes

It's nice to see that Andre Agassi's old wig is still getting work these days. It really brings out the "dopey" in Derek Jeter's eyes, right? Anyway, here's Jeter on Coney Island today shooting a cameo as a homeless dude in Marky Marky and Will Ferrell's new movie The Other Guys.

Derek Jeter as a homeless man is really fucking ironically hilarious (embrace the sarcasm), because in real-life he could buy hundreds of homeless people to take turns plucking his ass hairs out one by one. Actually, that's really depressing. Let's just go back to pointing and farting on that mop of cat tails on his head.

And duh, I'd even hit that shit from the front while wearing that gutter ass wig.

It didn't take long for Lady CaCa to get her Illuminati puppet paws on Brit Brit and drag her over to the dark side. Our Lady of Cheetos announced on her Twitter this morning that she's lip-synching for Satan now! I knew there was a good reason as to why that "3" song made me want to was wash my ears out with boiling water from the fiery pits of hell.

Yeah, obviously this is the work of some computer savvy kangaroo who is still sore about her bringing the bores to her Australian shows. That shifty roo! I mean, we all know Brit Brit worships the Dairy Queen, and not Satan. Although, I get the two confused all the time.

Below is Brit Brit dodging tomatoes and heads of lettuce while leaving her hotel in Melbourne yesterday with her Cheetolings and her man.

.....there was PIANO BUNNY! Although, it doesn't take a member of Peta to tell you that Piano Bunny obviously didn't want to be in the spotlight.

Here's a clip from 1983 of some terrifying crazy lady, who I'm pretty sure was Dana Carvey's inspiration for the Church Lady, forcing her pet bunny to play the piano. The loontardian even shouts at the poor creature, "PLAY LIKE YOU DID YESTERDAY!" Obviously, Joe Jackson taught this crazy everything he knows about how to pimp out your young.

Hopefully that bunny got her back by shitting in her ears while she slept. A bunny's poo ball can travel to the BRAIN!

VIA Buzzfeed

A bunch of hos who were expecting to hear jokes that were approved by the FCC were in for a real shock on Friday night at Tracy Morgan's show at Carnegie Hall. They must have been expecting Tracy to make jokes about side-eye-giving parrots. But instead, they got a whole lot of filthy nasty dirty offensive shit in their ears. That sounds like beautiful music to me.

According to Gatecrasher, people started fleeing the theater only a few minutes into Tracy's show. Many middle-aged women ran home to fuck their ears with holy water-laced bars of soap after Tracy began making jokes about porn, drugs and gays. When Tracy joked that Obama and Michelle will have the first presidential sex tape out, some of the audience members gasped.

One audience member said, “People seemed to not be laughing at his jokes, but more because they were shocked and appalled with what was coming out of his mouth. There was a continuous flow of people getting up and leaving throughout the show."

Tracy didn't ignore the fact that people were quickly running out of there like they had a bad case of explosive diarrhea. Tracy told the audience, “You want the clean Tracy? Turn on the TV.”

This is why people need to do their research before they go to a show. It's like the time some hot piece invited my ass to his one of his friends in Hamlet. After doing a quick Google search, I learned that shit was over 3 hours long!!!!! So before I left for the theater, I packed a bag filled with a neck pillow, a beef jerky variety pack, a beaker full of Franzia, a pee bottle and a pair of eyeball sunglasses (for naps).

I know we're in a recession, but DAMN! The Associated Press is reporting that comedian Katt Williams was arrested for breaking into a home in Newnan, GA last night. The homeowner called 911 after they caught Katt snatching a bunch of items from their home. Don't laugh, Nicolas Cage, because this could be you next year!

Katt is still marinating in a jail cell today. He will face a judge later this afternoon.

The police believe that Katt is in Georgia shooting a movie. Katt currently has the #8 comedy DVD in the country

This isn't Katt's first time behind bars. Katt was jailed last year after the police pulled him over for speeding and found three guns in his car. Katt was also put on probation in 2006 after he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor count of carrying a concealed firearm.

Can you imagine walking into your living room and catching Katt Williams trying to snatch your shit? I wouldn't know whether to hand him my stash out of pity or give him an applause.

Katt's rep would only say that his client has been suffering from "exhaustion." The rep should work on getting Katt a lunch date with Winona Ryder, because those two need to have a conversation!

And I love that Katt is smiling like a first-grader on school picture day in his mug shot above.

When most of us walk down the streets, we come across a handful of chicks wearing peek-a-coochie skirts and enough make-up to keep a needy drag queen set for life. It's not news. However, at Brazi's Bandeirante University (Uniban) it causes mass hysteria.

20-year-old Geisy Arruda, a tourism student at Uniban, showed up to class wearing a pink mini-dress and a lot of make-up on her face. At any elementary school in the US, they would've made fun of her for dressing like a prudish pilgrim. But at Uniban, a mob of students followed her everywhere she went and repeatedly called her a whore. Some of the dude students threatened to rape her and others tried to take pictures of her crotch with their phones. Shit got so real that the police were brought in to escort Geisy out of the school.

The school expelled Geisy after investigating the Oct. 22nd incident. Uniban explained their decision in an ad they took out in the paper titled, "Educational Responsibility - Education Is Made With Attitude Not Complacency." They blamed Geisy for not only dressing provocatively to class, but they also said that she regularly flirted with the boys and walked like she was working every shift on the ho stroll. Uniban's lawyers added that they gave her several warnings before expelling her.

Yes, Brazil is known for their ass thongs and titty pasties, but most students dress conservatively to class. Apparently.

The clip below is really fucking crazy. People are punching each other out, tearing their own heads off and acting the fool over a short skirt. They should make those boys watch Rock of Love. Their dicks would explode and they would turn inside/out after only 30-seconds.

Last week, an Australian official named Crocodile DUHdee warned her citizens that they might be disappointed after spending hundreds of dollars on tickets to Brit Brit's show, because she doesn't sing live. Well, she was proven right after about 200 fans walked out of Brit Brit's show on Friday night in Perth. One disappointed audience member said the show was "boring" and "stiff." Another audience member who paid $148 for her ticket added, "It was so impersonal. She did not interact with her audience."

Popeater reports that Brit Brit' tour promoter queefed at the claims and laid all the blame on the Australian media for trying to take our little Cheetoling down. He issued this statement: "Britney is aware of all this and she's extremely upset by it. She's a human being. I'm embarrassed, with such a big international entourage here with Britney, to be part of the Australian media when I see that kind of totally inaccurate reporting."

Maybe they should print some kind of disclaimer on all tickets. But instead of warning people of the obvious (that she moves her mouth to a track), they should print this: YOU MUST BE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF SOMETHING MIND-ALTERING BEFORE YOU ENTER THE VENUE. If those 200 people were bonged and boozed, they probably would've had the time of their lives. They also would have mistaken Brit Brit for Kim from Kath & Kim, but that would have been a very good thing.

Here's Brit Brit trolling around Australia the other day. You can tell she's got the sads, because her weepy chichis look like they could use a Kleenex, a hug and an upper.

A few weeks ago, Morrissey broke down and passed out on stage at a gig in Swindon. Well, at a show in Liverpool last night, someone tried to break down a plastic bottle of beer on Morrissey's head. Instead of whooping that trick with the mic, Morrissey quit that bitch by walking offstage. Morrissey was only two songs into his set and he refused to continue the show. A few minutes after he said walked off, an announcement was made that the show was officially over. Morrissey doesn't play like that.

You know how I feel about wasting the sweet nectar that the gods have so generously given us. That's one thing. But to try to knock Morrissey out is another. If you want to hate on Morrissey's swagger, a simple "Boo Bitch" would suffice.

Whoever threw the bottle needs to watch themselves, because I know a handful of reckless rockabilly cholas who would risk their perfectly Sharpie drawn eyebrows in order to handle the bitch that fucked with their dark prince. So if the bottle thrower hears the loud thump of Creepers behind him, he better pray that most of them are on probation.

People is saying that Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's right hand bitch Taylor Jacobsen was pink-slipped this morning for reasons unknown.

Taylor had this to say on her Twitter page: “Today is an end of an era and a beginning of a new professional chapter. Looking forward to what the future brings…!!!”

Chupa issued this statement: "I lit-ter-ally DIED. Like I'm lit-ter-ally like dead buh-nanas. Like lit-ter-ally I'm dead. Like my heart lit-ter-ally shut it down. It's buh-nanas."

Oh, I'm going to miss that mega bitch Taylor. First of all, nobody can unpack a box like she can (that's a good quality in a person). Second of all, Taylor was the only real bitch around those parts. She rolled threw "fuck that shit" looks at just the right moments and always said exactly what was dancing on my tongue. For example, when Brad was queefing sequins about dressing Anne Hathaway on stage at the Oscars, Taylor said that she'd rather die than do that shit. EXACTLY. Taylor is way too good to be wasting her acts of bitchery on Chupa.

YOGI BEAR: The Movie is happening. Even worse, they have cast Justin Timberlake as everyone's favorite bottom bitch Boo Boo. Douchier than the average bear.

The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that the Yogi movie will be part CGI, part live-action and full stupid. In addition to Justin voicing Boo Boo, Dan Akroyd will be the voice of Yogi and Anna Faris will play a documentary filmmaker. They will start shooting this wreck in New Zealand next month.

You know, I've always believed that Boo Boo regularly showed Yogi his "dick in a picanic basket," so I can kind of see where the producers were going, but it still isn't right. You know what else isn't right? The fact that I didn't know the real Yellowstone Park wasn't called Jellystone Park until I was in my late teens.