I Don't Like Jokes

Hide yo pussies! Hide yo daughters! Hide yo heterosexuality! Because the sugar-covered seahorse of Alabama, Antoine Dodson, claims that he's snatching up the gayness out of his being and wants a wife who will birth out his children. Judah has called him! I guess this is what happens when Sweet Brown is getting all the shine on the stroll. You gotta declare your newfound love for cooch to get hos talking about you again.

Antoine, who is gayer than a Care Bear butt full of rainbows, tweeted a few Facebook posts where he announced that he's rebuking his natural gayness and says that he doesn't need a Mercedes to make him happy (translation: his leased Benz got a visit by the repo man). Uh huh, bitch, uh huh....

I have to renounce myself, I'm no longer into homosexuality I want a wife and family, I want to multiply and raise and love my family that I create. I could care less about the fame and fortune, I've giving all that up to know the true history of the bible. For I am the True Chosen Hebrew Israelite descendant of Judah. And as True Israel I know that there are certain things we just can't do. And I totally understand that now. I don't need a Mercedes Benz, I don't need a big house in Beverly Hills all I need is the Most High and my family (Israel). I have been awaken by the great and so should you. Let's be delivered from the wickedness of the world and live the way we should. The Most High bless all and have a beautiful evening. Israel wake up and take full power of who you are. I'm ready are you?

I'm Antoine wait, I am KEVIN ANTOINE DODSON, and I just want what's best for all and this is the way for me, hate me if you must, bash me if you must, I won't break, do what you will, for this is my calling.

In the beautiful words of Shemiyah, I am so in love with the truth, I will expose a lie even if I have to expose you. Family friends celebrities whoever. If anything you say or do and can't back it up with scripture, you are a liar and the truth is not in you. Rise of the true chosen.

Don't run and tell that just yet, because I'm still not sure if this shit is a hoax or a joke. If it isn't, it does make me kind of sad, because if Antoine Dodson puts away his rainbow-colored weave, is there any reason for my b-hole to pucker? Is there any reason for my nipple slits to spit out hummingbird juice? Well, the good news is that in a couple of months when he gets caught tapping his feet for dick in a public bathroom, he'll spit out some new catchphrases to the local news.

And if Sweet Brown renounces her love for a cold pop on Facebook, we know that a hacker is at a work or the world is truly ending.

Yesterday, it was announced that Michael Fassbender is going to play Macbeth in a new Macbeth movie, and I don't really see him in that role, but it sort of makes sense for him to play the King of Scotland since his dick is as big as the Loch Ness Monster. I secretly wished that they wouldn't mess up with the casting of Lady Macbeth, but guess what? Those hateful bitches did. Screen Daily says that when Macbeth starts shooting later this year, Natalie Portman will bring out her signature ugly cry to play Lady Macbeth. I'm sure William Shakespeare's grave is filled with only bone dust and a dusty lace ruff, but if lace ruffs can turn, I bet it's turning over this news.

Lady Macbeth is one of Shakespeare's hottest bitches, because she's a legendary schemer, is thirty layers of insane and if she was around today, she'd destroy all of those Real Housewives whores in a second. Natalie Portman can play crazy, because she is crazy, but she is no Lady Macbeth. Maybe one of Lady Macbeth's mute, bland handmaidens, but not Lady Macbeth. I mean, bitch didn't even serve cake at her wedding and you know Lady Macbeth rolled around naked on her own wedding cake. Seriously, anybody would be a better Lady Macbeth than Natalie Portman and here's a few better choices off the top of my brain:

1. Tilda Swinton
2. Nicole Kidman
3. Thandie Newton
4. Julianne Moore
5. Alan Cumming
6. Sweet Brown ("This spot? I ain't got time for that!")
7. Tanya Turner from Footballers Wives
8. Tan Mom
9. Liza Minnelli's clit
10. Meryl Streep in a coma
11. Harald Glööckler
12. Jinx Monsoon
13. Courtina Stodden 
14. My Tio Jorge in drag as Celia Cruz
15. a plate of cold haggis

Basically, anybody but Natalie Portman.... Anne Hathaway.... Goopy Paltrow.... and Katherine Heigl. Oh shit, I bet they're going to cast Anne, Goopy and Katherine as the witches. Come you, spirits, kill me now!

Taylor Swift is once again showing all of us that we're in wrong line of work (unless you're line of work is waxing Anderson Cooper's butt cheeks... If that's the case, you're in the right line of work always.) and should've turned every entry from our Lisa Frank diaries into an annoying country pop song. Because if we did that, our asses would be the ones buying a $17 million mansion with cash.

TMZ says that Holly Hobbie's secret love child pulled 17 million $1 bills out of her Strawberry Shortcake coin purse and bought a 1930s 8 bedroom mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. The 11,000 square foot mansion sits on 5.23 acres and has ocean views and a pool. It was originally listed for $20 million. Fun fact: Taylor's new mansion is exactly half of the size of Rhode Island itself, so if you're in Rhode Island, run before it's too late!

I asked myself, why in the shit does Taylor Swift need 8 bedrooms? But then I remembered that she needs an altar room devoted to the object of her current stalking affection, a revenge room devoted to the ex-pieces she'll write songs about, a room for her cat, a dressing room for her cat and a room big enough to house the huge telescope she'll use to spy on the neighbor's barely legal white son.

And here's pictures of the new Casa de Fuck You John Mayer. When Taylor's done with it, it's going to look like Disneyland ate Laura Ashley and then violently threw up into every room.

Star Magazine named Goopy Paltrow the Most Hated Celebrity in Hollywood last week and this week, People has named her the the World's Most Beautiful Woman. Of course, People chose a picture of Goopy thinking to herself, "You hate me because I AM beautiful." This is why the leaders of the planet are holding an emergency meeting this morning to talk about changing the meaning of the word "world," because human civilization refuses to be associated with this untruthful mess.

Dlisted's Most Insufferable Talking Fish Bone In A Blond Wig (for the 5th year running) spat out some bullshit to People about how she totally doesn't glide around her mansion in a $5,000 house gown  and working out is just like brushing her teeth.

Goopy on how she's SOOOOO casual: "Around the house, I'm in jeans and a T-shirt. I don't really wear makeup. That's what they're used to. [My husband will] make a joke about it. If I've gotten fully dressed up, he'll be like, 'Oh, wow! You're Gwyneth Paltrow!' Because he's used to seeing me in like baggy shorts and frizzy hair."

Goopy on working out 5 days a week: "When I first started, I thought, 'I'll never be good at this. This is a nightmare!' But now it's like brushing my teeth, I just do it."

Wearing jeans around the house and working out like it's nothing? I can never trust a bitch who doesn't punch at the air and curse life when they're at the gym and who doesn't rip off their jeans as soon as they get home. A bitch is suspect to me when they don't free their thighs as soon as they walk through the front door.

No, Goopy Paltrow isn't the World's Most Beautiful Woman. But her publicist is the world's best publicist for getting Goopy some bullshit title in exchange for the exclusive news of her eventual divorce from Chris Martin. Congrats to Goopy's publicist!

Betrayal comes in many forms and today betrayal comes in the form of these pictures of Brit Brit Spears putting her mouth on a delicious cheesy grocery snack that didn't come from the sticky loins of Chester Cheetah. Brit Brit hasn't changed her weave and her love of fug footwear in years, and I figured that she would never change her undying devotion for Cheetos, but I was wrong. Brit Brit has cheated on Cheetos a few times before, but on Sunday, she did it in broad daylight and in front of the Cheetolings. Shameless!

This is the reason why Chester cries. It's also the reason why Chester will spend his night drowning his sorrows in Cheetos vodka while singing the lyrics to a Toni Braxton song. You know a ho's heart is really broken when they're singing some Toni Braxton shit.

Here's the first picture of Halle Berry's return as Storm in X-Men: Days of Future Past, brought to us by Bryan Singer's Twatter. Never mind that it looks like that suit is eating her neck, Storm shouldn't look like she went to the salon, opened up a copy of UsWeekly, pointed at a picture of Miley Cyrus' hair and told her stylist, "Give me that!" Bitch needs to use her own powers to blow that busted wig off of her head.

via ONTD

And that is the face of a woman who now knows that everybody knows that she's doing Seth MacFarlane.

Charlize Theron was supposedly sniffing all over Seth McFartlane's crotch at an Oscars after-party in February and now here they are leaving Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills last night. The humanized Peter Brady bobblehead doll has a smug look on his face that says "oh yeah, you know where my peen is going tonight" and Charlize Theron is making the true definition of a shame face. It's the same face a Craigslist one-night-stand makes when I see one of them out in public. I know that face!

Seth McFartlane always has a smug face on, but now he really has a reason to be a smug bitch. When you're getting naked with Charlize Theron on the regular, you're probably always happily smug no matter what happens to you. If Seth got food poisoning and spent the entire night barfing up shit and shitting up barf, he can stop for a second and let out a smug smile, because he reminded himself that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If Seth opens up a bag of delicious Gummy Bears and finds that they all melted together and formed a disgusting bar of gumminess (that's the worst), he can curse at the air for a second and then stop to let out a smug smile, because he remembered that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If he finds out that his entire family has been kidnapped by pirates, he can.....you know what I'm going to type.

Seth is directing Charlize in a movie, so this could've been a business thing, but her "yes, I'm hitting it and I'm not proud of it" face says everything.

Since murdering eardrums and showing off her new face on InTouch didn't get Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom enough attention, she's gone full shameless fame whore by pretending that the porn she made with porn star James Deen is a private sex tape that she doesn't want to get out. Don't you hate it when the planned fuck tape you made with a porn star in a studio while surrounded by two cameramen, three fluffers, a director and an  entire crew GETS leaked onto the internet? That's the worst.

Earlier today, TMZ said that a sex tape starring Farrah's post-op Gargamel-looking ass was up for sale and Vivid was going to make an offer for it. They "caught" Farrah shopping for panties at Agent Provocateur in L.A. yesterday afternoon and they asked her about it. Farrah sort of denied it and then a few minutes later her last tattered brain cell tore in two when she tried to figure out what the word "elaborate" means. TMZ has the video of the silicone implant in Farrah's head exploding when their cameradude used a 3rd grade word around her, but if you don't feel like looking at her confused plastic face, here's the transcript:

TMZ: So, Farrah, can you elaborate a little bit on what we spoke about earlier?

Farrah: A library?

TMZ: No, "elaborate."

Farrah: E-lab-or-ate? Who are you and why are you asking me about a tape?

TMZ: Have you heard about this, though? That you have a sex tape that's out, that's being shopped around right now?

Farrah: I don't know. You know what? There should be no tape and if they're shopping it around, my lawyer's going to talk about that.

TMZ: Can you confirm its existence?

Farrah: I don't exist anything about that. I don't know what you're talking about. Personally that is going to make me upset, so I don't know why you would ask me about it.

TMZ: We have sources that say that they've seen the tape and it's an hour long.

Farrah: Who's your source? You know what? I think it's made up. People make shit up all the time.

TMZ: This could be advantageous to your career. A lot of young starlets get their start from these things.

Farrah: I'm not even worried about that. I work hard on my own professionally and I don't need sex tapes or any of that bullshit.

This bitch had to sound out the word "elaborate." In this dumb ho's defense, she was walking and talking at the same time and we all know that's really, really hard to do.

After Farrah bruised up the inside of her head while trying to form complete sentences, TMZ heard that James Deen was her sex tape co-star and so they asked him about it. James Deen admitted that he slapped his peen against Farrah's chocha in a sex tape. But James said that it was strictly professional and they got tested on Friday and shot the tape on Saturday.

You know, maybe Farrah's denials are authentic and genuine, because she is so damn stupid that she probably doesn't remember what she did 10 minutes ago let alone a day ago. If Farrah is as good at boning as she is at putting together a thought, then Kim Kartrashian will lose her title as the deadest lay in a sex tape.

Here's Farrah's silicone chichis melting like two Junior Mints left out in the sun while posing in some photo shoot yesterday.

"Ew, can you believe they don't have Manuka honey and duck eggs at the Bristol Farms around the corner? I didn't realize we were in the ghetto, girl," is probably what Goopy Paltrow said to Tracy Anderson at the opening of Tracy's flagship workout studio and Goopy's blow job bar in Brentwood, CA last night.

Goopy, Kim Kartrashian, Stacy Keibler and Natalie Green from Facts of Life all came out for the opening of Tracy's workout studio yesterday, but only because the muscular orange leprechaun threatened to release embarrassing videos of them doing her stupid ass cardio dance if they didn't show up. Speaking of embarrassing things, Goopy tells the Evening Standard Magazine (via E!) that Chris Martin can't cook with music on (HA! Like that bitch lets him cook), but she has to cook with music on and the music she plays is always hip-hop.

"He can't have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn't at home, I turn on the hip-hop—I'm like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook."

And that confirms it, those Goop kids are fucked, screwed, ruined and all of the above. Nothing puts scars on your soul and guarantees you a lifetime of intensive therapy like watching your rich, white, rhythmically-challenged mom rap along to a Biggie song as she throws $100 truffles into a gold saucepan full of beluga whale milk. When Apple and Moses become anti-hip hop and anti-cooking activists in a few years, we won't say shit, because we'll know what they've been through. We'll know.

If you don't want to spend an hour plus of your life watching the Carrie remake when it comes out on October, just watch the trailer, because it's the Cliffs Notes version on speed. It tells the entire plot of the story from beginning to end. Every single living breathing creature on this planet knows what happens to Carrie, but still. Just like me after a few drinks, this trailer gives everything away fast.  That's not even my biggest problem with this shit. My biggest problem is that Chloe Moretz and Julianne Moore are way too pretty and sane-looking for this. They both look like they just rolled out of a Marc Jacobs ad.

In what world would Chloe Moretz be bullied and beaten with tampons? If she went to my school, she'd be the one throwing tampons at a ho and she'd legitimately be prom queen. Was a Willis daughter not available to play Carrie's crazy, homely ass? Was OctoMom not available to play Carrie's mom? This needs more ugly and needs more crazy. I hope there's a CGI effect for that.