I Don't Like Jokes

Christina Hendricks' husband can't believe his life either. His face has rarely moved out of that expression ever since Christina asked him, "Do you want to just slip the ring on my left nipple since you haven't looked at my face once!" during their wedding ceremony.

Mad Men went into the Emmys last night with 17 nominations and they walked away with nothing but a handful of drink tickets to use to drown their sorrows in the sweet nectar after losing EVERYTHING. Jon Hamm was nominated for Outstanding Actor in a Drama and he didn't get shit. Christina Hendricks was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress and she also didn't even get a tiny dingle out of the Emmy statue's ass. The only thing Mad Men won was the title of losingest TV show of all time. Northern Exposure and The Larry Sanders show both held the record for the most Emmy losses in one year (16 each) and so Mad Men beat both of their asses.

After THAT episode, I really thought I'd see Christina Hendricks on stage, balancing a trophy on her magnificent chichis while giving an acceptance speech, but that didn't happen. The Emmy bitches also didn't do the right thing by giving a very special humanitarian award to Jon Hamm's hamm loaf for enriching lives (and fuck parts) and making the world a better place. I swear, I was going to throw hate at January Jones for showing up looking like a goth alien going to a funeral, but her entire look was fitting.

And here's a few more pictures of the Mad Men cast who all took turns crying on the shoulders of Jon Hamm's peen (yes, it's so big it has shoulders): Christina Hendricks with her husband, The Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Elisabeth Moss, JJ, Sally Draper and that one who sings that French song.

Musicians carrying any form of the good shit on their tour bus need to be like Louise from Thelma & Louise and not drive through Texas, because doing so could completely mess up their high. Fiona Apple obviously didn't learn from Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson, because last night she was busted in Sierra Blanco, the same TX town where Snoop and Willie were busted in, for having hash on her bus. Fiona's tour bus was stopped during an inspection checkpoint and when the sweet scent of a Bob Marley fart filled the cops' nostrils, they checked the bus and the party was over.

TMZ says that Fiona only had a little bit of hash, but they still put her in handcuffs, dragged her to jail and made her pose in front of the mug shot camera while she made the same face I'd make if someone just snatched my stash. For some reason, Fiona is still sitting in a cell right now.

Never mind that when Fiona was being put into a cuffs, drug dealers driving a van stuffed with 50 kilos of coke probably drove by, what in "Wednesday Addams working at a Footlocker" hell is she wearing? The cops aren't right for ruining Fiona's buzz and they really aren't right for letting homegirl get her picture taken looking like that.

Kim Kardashian likes her dicks black, but unfortunately for this kitten, she likes her pussies white.

Kim must've gotten bored with using her own pussy to get attention, because while filming Khloe & Kim Take Miami, she used another pussy to get extra attention from the cameras. Kim has a new accessory that she named "Mercy" after one of Kanye West's songs and she carried it around all weekend. Where was the ASPCA, PETA and Jackson Galaxy when a tortured kitten needed them most, because this is obvious pussy abuse.

Imagine you're an innocent kitten who has found itself trapped in the arms of a beast with an ass that looks like two overfed and snarling pit bulls waiting to attack. The kitten knows that the beast is trying to trick it by wearing a plastic cat mask that sort of looks like its mommy's face. It cannot be tricked. Never mind that when the poor kitty looks to the right, it sees a bigger beast who looks like an overgrown ALF in a weave. And ALF eats cats. NOOOOOOO.

Webster's needs to update its español edition by putting this picture directly under the definition of ayúdame:

Although, the name "Mercy" is pretty fitting, because this traumatized pussy's constant internal monologue is this: "Please GOD have mercy on my innocent soul!" 

As you say a prayer for this poor kitten, I'll say a prayer that when Mercy realizes that God gave her claws to scratch at her torturer's face, the cameras are there.

Workers at George Clooney's Italian villa had all their tools ready and were totally prepared to engrave Stacy Keibler's name over the "Hos of the Past" plaque over his bed after reading in The Sun that he handed her an empty cardboard box and told her that the bus waiting to take her to his halfway house for former tricks is right outside the front gate. The Sun said last night George's Italian villa has been exterminated of all things Keibler, because he dumped her ass after deciding that he wants to go back out on the prowl.

A source said that even though George spend hours training Stacy in the ancient beard art of strap-on wielding, he wanted to be single again and she "hoped they would be together long-term. It was a big breakthrough to spend time with his parents. But over the last few weeks George has pulled away from her.” The Sun said that Clooney's spokeswhore would release a statement and a new casting notice for his next red carpet escort would go out any second now. Clooney's rep did have something to say, but it was a full-on denial: "A story published by a London tabloid, The Sun, concerning George Clooney and Stacy Keibler [is] not true."

George dated Krista Allen for 2 years, my favorite robot call girl Sarah Larson for around 1 year, Elisabetta Canalis for 2 years and now he's been with the tallest Keebler elf for over a year. If history repeats itself, then Stacy's expiration date is sometime early next year, but George needs to speed it up. Bitch ain't getting any younger and does he know how many Las Vegas cocktail waitresses, Italian coke whores and reality sluts are out there waiting for him to drop a contact in their laps so they can put on a manufactured smile at premieres, wear borrowed designer dresses to award shows, make awkward small talk with Angie Jolie, scissor with Cindy Crawford and get an all-expenses paid trip to Italy? That's like the ultimate Showcase Showdown package for beards. There are sluts waiting in line, George. Call the next number!

Lainey at Lainey Gossip is hearing that Kristen Stewart hasn't yet drawn an X on her relationship contract with Robert Pattinson using jizz from Rupert Sanders' wandering peen. Robsten is unbroken (a nerve in my no-no lips loses its feeling whenever I type that) for now, but Radar says that didn't stop KStew from flirting with James Franco at a TIFF party in Toronto over the weekend.

Since James Franco considers himself the be all and end all of the art world and Kristen Stewart looks like Dora Maar as painted by Picasso, he went after her at a party and tried to get her to stop biting her lip to bite his lip instead (you decide which one). The source said this:

“Kristen and James bumped into each other at the Intercontinental Hotel in Toronto during the film festival and were engaged in conversation for 20 minutes. There was a lot of flirting and Kristen was overjoyed by the attention she was getting from James, who was gushing over her, saying what a great actress he thinks she is and was full of praise for her latest movie, On the Road. She seemed at ease in his company, and he was certainly making her laugh. She was wearing a huge grin on her face. At the end of their chance meeting, James took Kristen’s number and asked her out for dinner. Kristen initially said no, but is mulling over the idea.”

We can all say that if KStew and Franco got together for real, we'd all sprain our optic nerves from rolling our eyeballs so much, but these two actually make sense. James Franco can spend his nights with Kristen Stewart talking about James Franco and how James Franco is redefining creativity and if James Franco displayed a puff of his pubic hair at The Whitney thousands of people would wait hours to see it and James Franco this and James Franco that... KStew would sit there, smiling and giggling, and he'd think it was because of all the genius thoughts coming out of his mouth. But no, KStew is only giggling and smiling because she's stoned out of her mind and thinks that with every sneaky queef she lets out, she's secretly getting everyone in the room higher.

James Franco can talk about himself and only himself, and KStew can get high without having to talk at all. They're perfect for each other! (And yes, I've sat in a room and thought I was getting everyone in the room higher with my farts.)

Welcome to Weird-tanic! Population: This screen test.

Titanic came out on Blu-ray and 3D Blu-ray today, and on it is a then 19-year-old Kate Winslet screen testing for the role which she eventually got opposite Jeremy Sisto (aka Elton from Clueless, Billy from Six Feet Under and George from Suburgatory) as the role Leonardo DiCatchAHo eventually got. Jeremy wasn't ever up for the role and was just helping James Cameron out, but it's still weird to watch. It's like if your 10-year-old self went into the kitchen one morning and sat down at the table across from a stranger bitch who isn't your father but tells you to call him your father. ("Oh, that used to happen to me all the time! It was no big deal." - Kate Hudson's son)

But really, James Cameron had the right idea by using Jeremy Sister as Jack and he should've given him the role and then cast Alicia Silverstone as Cher as Rose. It would've looked like this:

Jack: I want to paint you wearing this, only this.
Rose: As if! Like I'd really wear something from Judy's.

Rose's Mom: Come into the boat, Rose. Rose, get into the boat!
Rose: I can't! You don't understand, this is an Alaia.

Rose: Stay back! Don't come any closer! I'm going to jump!
Tai: As if. You're a virgin who can't dive.

AND Celine Dion could've done a cover of Rollin' with the Homies! If only.

via Yahoo! Movies 

After burying her beloved Corgi Monty, this is the last thing The Queen needs today. It's the last thing any of us need. Those stuntin' minions from deep within the musty asshole of Hell are using Prince Hot Ginge's name for some shameless publicity. A rep for the Taliban (yes, they have a rep and no, they don't share one with the Kardashians...I think) announced today that now that they know PHG is stationed at Camp Bastion at Helmond, they're coming for his crystallized ginger ass cheeks. Monday is already gross and now it's gotten a lot grosser, because I'm actually copying + pasting a statement from the damn Taliban (via The Daily Beast):

"Prince Harry came to Afghanistan and he is a high value target for us. We will try to arrest him. Because he is an Apache helicopter pilot, he will target us more. If we are not able to arrest him we will target him."

The Taliban also said that they think sending PHG to Afghanistan is just a propaganda stunt to take the attention away from his naked Las Vegas antics. Yes, they actually said that. Then they kiki'd about Kristen Stewart looking like a haggard skank at TIFF and flipped through Chanel's lookbook to guess which dress Blake Lively wore to her wedding. Those bitches. If they ever get close to PHG, he'll just drop his panties and that will make them drop their guns and pick up their iPhones to take pictures of his royal ginger scepter. And you know, they'll sell those pictures to TMZ too.

Those bitches better watch out, because Prince Hot Ginge WILL gladly fuck all 72 of their virgins and then some.

On the left is walking bronzer dildo Kim Kardashian staying alive by sucking in the camera flashes in NYC last night, and on the right is a pre-Whippit-huffing Demi Moore wearing one of the most important dresses of the 90s in Indecent Proposal. (Side Note: You know when Demi goes into that fancy hotel boutique and puts the dress up to her body in the mirror? The producers, screenwriter and director all messed up by not bringing Marie, Snobby Salesperson #2 from Pretty Woman, out to have her say her signature line to Demi. That was a big mistake, HUGE!)

Both Demi in Indecent Proposal and Kim are paid whores, but one of them made $1 million (only to have it wasted away by her dumb ass husband) for humping on Robert Redford on a yacht and the other one has made $100 million from humping on Ray J's travel pillow dick on a queen-sized hotel bed. Kim might have the money, but Demi won the whore battle by fucking Robert Redford.

As for who wins the dress battle, the answer is: NEITHER OF THEM! The real answer is: Every girl at my junior high school dance who wore a knock-off version of this dress which she bought at Windsor Fashions. You truly didn't experience a school dance in the 90s if you didn't watch dozens of girls in the Indecent Proposal dress run to the dance floor when the DJ (aka the guidance counselor with a stack of CDs) played "No Ordinary Love."

PHG: "Smell my finger."
Tiny boy: "I know where it's been and no thank you."

When 6-year-old Alex Logan (above with PHG) met Prince Hot Ginge at the WellChild Awards in London yesterday afternoon, he wondered what we'd all wonder if we ever met his ginger hotness outside of a Las Vegas hotel suite: Why isn't he so drunk that he's sweating out vodka drops? Why aren't there paid whores doing lines of coke around him? Why are his spicy peanut nipples covered?

Before meeting PHG, little Alex Logan told ITV News that he was going to speak for NONE OF US by saying: "I’m glad you’ve got your clothes on Prince Harry." But since Alex has a little Dennis the Menace thing going on, PHG knew he was going to get hit with some mischief and before the boy let out that joke, he said this: "You keep looking up at your mum. It looks like you’re dying to say something but you’re worried she’ll tell you off. I heard you were on ITV earlier and you said something cheeky – but let’s not talk about that here."

That was a cold move, ruining a sick child's joke like that! I think that's almost worse than PHG covering up his Flaming Hot Cheeto Puff while some immoral slut took grainy pictures of his naked ass in that Vegas hotel suite. PHG can make it up to all of us by putting his ginger crotch jewels on display for the public at the Tower of London. They don't even have to change the exhibit's title: The World Famous Crown Jewels of England!

Christopher Bridgeman and Martin Borger of Norfolk, VA were waiting for their luggage to come around the baggage carousel at Norfolk International Airport when the words "It wasn't not funny!" almost leaped off of their tongues after seeing one of their bags with a dirty dildo taped to the top of it. Normally, when you see a bag with a dildo taped to the top of it, the next thing you see is me running to grab it. (I mean, a dildo is the best and clearest bag marker.) But that didn't happen this time and Christopher and Martin were not laughing.

Christopher and Martin tell NBC News (via Towleroad) that they were coming back from a trip to Costa Rica on May 21, 2011 and when they had a layover in Houston, they had to take their luggage through customs and re-check it. Their luggage seemed fine when they grabbed it in Houston. But they believe that a baggage handler in Houston, went into their bag, found their dildo and decided to shame them by covering it in some "greasy, foul-smelling substance" before taping it to the top of their bag. When the dirty dildo bag landed on the carousel, onlookers started laughing and this humiliated Christopher and Martin even more.

Martin told NBC that he knew exactly what it was when he first saw it and he was "shocked" and "horrified." Christopher thinks that because of the name on the tag and the clothes inside the bag, the handler knew the dildo was in a dude's bag, so the handler "maliciously" and "intentionally" humiliated them for shits. The couple, who have been together for 9 years, are suing United Continental for intentional infliction of emotional distress, invasion of privacy and negligence. They want an unspecified amount in damages and they want the airline to pay for their attorney fees. When it first happened in May 2011, United Continental offered them some kind of "gesture of goodwill," but Christopher and Martin turned it down.

United Continental says they conducted a serious investigation and they found nothing that supports Christopher and Martin's dildo-shaming claims. They said they will defend themselves in court and I really hope that one of the sides gets to say, "We call our star witness, the dirty dildo itself, to the stand."

We already have to worry about all sorts of crap when we travel and now we have to worry about someone messing up a good dildo by covering it in some foul-smelling grease while trying to be funny? (Note: I don't even want to know what that foul-smelling grease was. It brings up a lot of bad memories of bad dates.) From now on, I'm just going to shove my dildo into my carry-on (you decide what I mean by that) and bring it on the plane with me. It's all fun and games until some evil bitch screws with your dildo and not in a sexy way either.