I Don't Like Jokes

I know HoHan and SamRo are supposed to be hipster lezzies or something, but damn! Can't they wear something else besides Ray-Bans? Now, I've been known to put on a pair of Wayfarers now and then, but now it's hard for me to do so without thinking about these coochie lickers. Damn then! Ray-Ban better be paying them the big bucks.

Here's these two buying a bunch of dumb shit they don't need in Los Angeles yesterday. All they do is fucking shop. They need to turn up the action. I'm waiting for the sex tape to hit the internets. I wanna see these two bump cokey ginas, smash pies, mack on a ham wallet, grill up a furburger.....something. Actually, I take that back. That would not be the gayelle sex tape of my dreams. Now a Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon sex tape is a different story.

Everyone has been talking about this supposed Bigfoot that was found by two twats in Georgia. Even CNN covered this shit. Although, that's not saying much. The two lie-tellers, a cop on medical leave and a former corrections officer, held a press conference in Palo Alto, CA yesterday to talk about their discovery.

Basically, we didn't learn shit! Well, we learned the address of their website (AGAIN) and they brought an e-mail from some entomologist bitch who tested three DNA samples. One sample was human, one was a possum and the other was Robin Williams. No, the other couldn't be tested due to "technical problems." Yeah, probably because it's fucking polyester.

The dudes did not show the body, because they are waiting for scientists to exam it. Um....I'm not a scientist and I can already tell you that thing is a Danny DeVito costume with Vienna sausages on top of it. Or maybe Parasite Hilton wet queefed on it?

They also announced they are giving Bigfoot-hunting tours in Georgia for $499. What's to hunt? I mean, isn't he already dead?

Below is a clip from the press conference. You can also visit Cryptomundo for many more details.

Even though these dudes are all kinds of fake, I'd still hit it on a gorrilla costume covered in fish jizz.

The hillbilly hooker who swears she bumped fuglies with Casey Aldridge while he was dating Jamie Lynne Spears is a liar! Well, that's what Casey claims anyway. A source told TMZ that Casey called up the Spears family to let them know that 28-year-old Kelli Dawson is fibbin'. And I bet you he used that exact word. "Hot damn! She be fibbin'!"

Casey said that the picture of him touching tongues with Kelli was taken before he started getting it on with Jamie Lynne. He said that Kelli sold her fake story to make some cash. She probably needed the money to bail out her uncle/boyfriend.

What do you expect Casey to say? To quote Madonna from Body of Evidence: "I don't know why men lie. They just do. MEN LIE."

Obviously, Casey ate from Kelli's possum pie and she sold her story. Next time Kelli should try and get better and more scandalous pictures of them. Touching tongues is harmless. I mean, Angelina Jolie used to do that with her own brother all the time.

I interrupt your regularly scheduled program of bitching and moaning to.....well...to bitch and moan some more. I've been trying to fight off this horror show of a cold for a few days now. My sister told me to get this shit called Buckley's. She promised me that it works miracles. Well, the bitch must really despise me, because this shit is the ugliest thing I've ever put in my mouth. And that's saying a lot.

I figured Buckley's would taste like every other cough syrup. You know, they all taste like a delicious Lifesaver dipped in formaldehyde. Buckley's is nothing like that. I can't explain it. It's seriously Satan's sperm. That's probably the secret ingredient.

Whenever I swallow it, my nipples clench. Not only does it taste like sex club ass, but it's not pretty on the eyes either. It sort of looks like yellow jizz. It's like when a dude has to cum and piss at the same time, and it both comes out. Yeah, that's what it looks like.

I've been taking it the past couple of days and still hasn't fixed shit! The only thing it's done is improve my gagging reflex slightly. Hmmm....that's not such a bad thing.

Okay, rant over. And now I'm off to gag on some Buckley's.

One...two....Billy Bob's coming for you. No. That doesn't have a nice ring to it. Michael Bay is currently working on butchering the classic "Nightmare on Elm Street," and apparently he's signed Billy Bob Thornton to play Freddy Krueger. Billy Bob would make a better Crypt Keeper instead.

What is wrong with Robert Englund? You can't make a "Nightmare" movie without Robert. He IS fucking Freddy. You basically just need him and Heather Langenkamp! Those bitches aren't doing anything. Although, I would rather Heather reprise her role as Marie in the TV remake of "Just the Ten of Us." But that's just me.

I mean, Billy Bob?! I guess he sort of makes sense since his face makes kids eat their own hair, but he's no Robert Englund!

While watching last week's opening ceremonies of the Olympics, I thought to myself how adorable the little girl was who sang China's national anthem. Adorable with a voice like a precious hummingbird! Well, it turns out the pretty little girl was lie-telling to us all! She lip-synched the whole thing. She's the Zelma Davis of China!

Chinese officials confirmed that they decided at the last minute to pull 7-year-old Yang Peiyi (on the right) from the opening ceremonies, because they felt her teeth were too wonky to represent their country. They replaced her with 9-year-old Lin Miaoke who lip-synched to Yang's voice.

The ceremony's music director said, "The main consideration was the national interest. The child on the screen should be flawless in image, in her internal feelings and in her expression. When we had the dress rehearsals, there were spectators from various divisions, including above all a member of the politburo who gave us his verdict: we had to make the swap." Was Jeff Lewis from Flipping Out the musical director? Harsh!

Peiye claims she wasn't upset after she was told she couldn't perform, "I am proud to have been chosen to sing at all." Peiye is way too nice. I would've sabotaged Miaoke by making the track skip! That way Miaoke would've just stood there, shrugged and danced a jig like Ashlee Simpson.

That wasn't the only fake thing about the opening ceremonies. The 29 fireworks footprints were digitally added later. A cameraman in a helicopter filmed the fireworks as they were happening live, but producers thought the footage might be too shaky.

So what was real?! I actually gave a standing ovation to that shit! I got my lazy ass off of the couch and I never do that! AND I even toasted the TV with my martini. I feel so cheated! I want my money back!

VIA Daily Mail

Hayden Panatroll's daddy, Alan, was arrested early yesterday morning for allegedly slapping his wife a few times across the face, leaving visible marks. The cops later said booze was a factor in the fight. Alan was released on $50,000 bail yesterday. Alan and Lesley, his wife, were out walking their dogs later in the afternoon like nothing happened. From far away they kind of look like White Oprah and Luke Spencer from General Hospital.

Lesley and Alan talked to Mario Lopez (gross) from Extra and claimed it was all a misunderstanding. Mario said, "Nothing actually happened. In fact, Lesley wasn't even aware that Skip had been arrested. Hayden found out about her dad's arrest when he called her from jail. They love each other very much and want everyone to know that the matter was completely blown out of proportion."

First of all, AC Slater needs to put on a unitard and go prance around in the corner. Second of all, a misunderstanding? I can picture Lesley telling the cops in the morning, "He didn't actually hit me. I ran into his hand several times."

Lesley needs to pull up a chair and spend an entire afternoon watching Lifetime movies. I highly recommend "If Someone Had Known" starring Kellie Martin or "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger" starring Tori the Hutt. Lesley needs to learn from their mistakes!

Hollywood will never stop murdering our beloved classics, but this time they are taking a gem from the silver screen and butchering it for television. ABC has ordered a TV pilot based on "The Witches of Eastwick." NBC shot a pilot for Eastwick in 1992, but it never got picked up. Um....shouldn't that have been a sign to ABC?

The new pilot will be written by Maggie Friedman who has written a few episodes of "Dawson's Creek." Variety reports that it will be a "variation" of the movie. Translation: It will be a caca version of the movie.

At this point, I've given in to Hollywood sending our favorites to the guillotine. Nothing really shocks me anymore. They could fucking remake "Gone with the Wind" with Heidi and Spencer in the leads and I wouldn't be surprised. The whores of Hollywood are mass murderers!

And I doubt the shitty Witches of Eastwick TV show will feature such amazing lines as "I always like a little pussy after lunch" or "I hope his dick is bigger than his I.Q." Speaking of Heidi Montag, she's totally going to be in Eastwick. Believe it.

Lynne Spears has made it "Through the Storm" thanks to a little help from the millions of dollars she's received from whoring out her kids. Lynne has put her parenting tips into a little book which is due out next week. Whoever buys this book should automatically get a visit from Child Protective Services. Taking parenting advice from Lynne Spears is like....well....like taking parenting advice from Lynne Spears. White Oprah should have been Lynne's co-author.

And that cover looks like a still from a Massengill commercial from the 80s. I used to be obsessed with those commercials when I was little. "I have to ask you something really personal...."

VIA Allie Is Wired

Wilshire & Washington reports that both McCain's and Obama's bitches have reached out to Saint Angelina for a possible endorsement. Both campaigns think Saint Angelina's endorsement actually matters. It's fucking true. If Saint Angelina instructed her Brangaloonies to cross all the presidential nominees off their ballots and write her name instead, they would do it in a homewrecking heartbeat. And she would totally win. Fuck, I just gave her an idea.

Angie has already said she hasn't made up her mind just yet, "I have not decided on a candidate. I am waiting to see the commitments they will make on issues like international justice, refugees and how to address the needs of children in crisis around the world."

Let's be real, Saint Angelina's vote is the only vote that matters. Once her ballot goes in, all other ballots will be voided. Shit, we should just have a big ceremony to decide who will be our next president. Saint Angelina will sit on her throne, McCain and Obama will both bow in front of her, she will slowly rise and touch the head of the man she feels is worthy enough. White doves would fly out of his ass and that would be that!