I Don't Like Jokes

A few weeks ago, Morrissey broke down and passed out on stage at a gig in Swindon. Well, at a show in Liverpool last night, someone tried to break down a plastic bottle of beer on Morrissey's head. Instead of whooping that trick with the mic, Morrissey quit that bitch by walking offstage. Morrissey was only two songs into his set and he refused to continue the show. A few minutes after he said walked off, an announcement was made that the show was officially over. Morrissey doesn't play like that.

You know how I feel about wasting the sweet nectar that the gods have so generously given us. That's one thing. But to try to knock Morrissey out is another. If you want to hate on Morrissey's swagger, a simple "Boo Bitch" would suffice.

Whoever threw the bottle needs to watch themselves, because I know a handful of reckless rockabilly cholas who would risk their perfectly Sharpie drawn eyebrows in order to handle the bitch that fucked with their dark prince. So if the bottle thrower hears the loud thump of Creepers behind him, he better pray that most of them are on probation.

People is saying that Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's right hand bitch Taylor Jacobsen was pink-slipped this morning for reasons unknown.

Taylor had this to say on her Twitter page: “Today is an end of an era and a beginning of a new professional chapter. Looking forward to what the future brings…!!!”

Chupa issued this statement: "I lit-ter-ally DIED. Like I'm lit-ter-ally like dead buh-nanas. Like lit-ter-ally I'm dead. Like my heart lit-ter-ally shut it down. It's buh-nanas."

Oh, I'm going to miss that mega bitch Taylor. First of all, nobody can unpack a box like she can (that's a good quality in a person). Second of all, Taylor was the only real bitch around those parts. She rolled threw "fuck that shit" looks at just the right moments and always said exactly what was dancing on my tongue. For example, when Brad was queefing sequins about dressing Anne Hathaway on stage at the Oscars, Taylor said that she'd rather die than do that shit. EXACTLY. Taylor is way too good to be wasting her acts of bitchery on Chupa.

YOGI BEAR: The Movie is happening. Even worse, they have cast Justin Timberlake as everyone's favorite bottom bitch Boo Boo. Douchier than the average bear.

The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that the Yogi movie will be part CGI, part live-action and full stupid. In addition to Justin voicing Boo Boo, Dan Akroyd will be the voice of Yogi and Anna Faris will play a documentary filmmaker. They will start shooting this wreck in New Zealand next month.

You know, I've always believed that Boo Boo regularly showed Yogi his "dick in a picanic basket," so I can kind of see where the producers were going, but it still isn't right. You know what else isn't right? The fact that I didn't know the real Yellowstone Park wasn't called Jellystone Park until I was in my late teens.

Every hair on JLo's ass is standing straight up, because she is so filled with the rage that her ex-husband Ojani Noa is planning to release an 11-hour tape of some of her private moments. I think he's marketing it as a companion piece to Planet Earth.

The eyes at The National Enquirer have seen the tape and claim it includes footage of JLo staring at herself in the mirror (OF. COURSE.) while wearing nothing but bra and panties. In another scene, Ojani chases JLo around the bedroom and spanks one of her thunder dome ass cheeks causing a 4.5 earthquake.

Sources say that JLo is incredibly embarrassed and can't believe her ex would do that.

You know what I can't believe? I can't believe that JLo wouldn't pull her eyeballs out of her own culo to see the Amazon jungle growing above her ex-husband's eyes. If JLo stepped out of her own world for one quick second, she would've seen that MAN DOWN CODE 10 eyebrow situation. My teeth are chattering, because I just want to jump onto his face and gnaw off those Sasquatch brows.

And honestly, I don't think JLo is THAT upset about the release of the tape. Most bitches forgot about her ass after that shoot out with Diddy, so this will be a nice little item to get her back on Google Alerts.

Nicole Kidman is on the cover of Britain's GQ magazine looking like a lizard alien who has come to earth and is disguising itself as a German transsexual working as a low-budget dominatrix. Yes, I watched V last night.

In the interview with GQ, Nicky (who probably goes to bed in her oxygen chamber at 9pm each night) wants us to believe that she's done some kinky nasty dirty filthy fetish stuff in the bedroom. Although, to be fair to her, putting Scientology-approved cream on Tommy Girl's ass warts each night does counts as "kinky nasty dirty filthy fetish stuff." Shit, even being married to that crazy little Scientologist those few years counts too. There's nothing stranger than that.

Nicky told the magazine, "I've explored obsession. I've explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I've explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I've explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy."

When asked about her faux marriage to Tommy Girl, Nicky said that she will never go into detail about it and even burned some of her diaries after she married Keith Urban, "I want to honor that marriage for what it was, and there is nothing I would go into about that. I have never discussed the intricacies of it and I never will. If you know what is going on inside somebody’s head all the time, that’s not a good place. You can’t read somebody’s diary. You shouldn’t read it. I burnt most of my journals after I remarried… You’re only going to find out bad things."

Bitch stop! The truth is that you can't talk about it or Suri will fly through the window to cut your tongue out! And don't make it sound like you burned those diaries on your own. The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard (aka Tommy's real doll) was probably holding a zap gun (found in any 99 Cent Store) to your frozen forehead as you threw your diaries into a chiminea.

VIA Daily Mail

I'm sure most of us would love to rip the pants off of Mark Ronson, but you have to ask first and provide him with a hot meal beforehand. You can't just go exposing his gerbil hole to everyone. Which exactly what David Walliams did to him the other night.

At a charity event in London, David (performing as one of his Little Britain characters Des Kaye) decided to have a little fun with SamRo's brother by grabbing at his peen and plums. When Mark shooed him away, David came harder and the two hit the ground. They looked like they were re-enacting a playdate between Tommy Girl and Becks.

In the end, David showed off Mark's hairy end to 3,000 people in the audience. Not only did Mark not appreciate getting molested by David, but he also didn't seem happy that his fancy suit got ripped. Or maybe he was just doing that thing called "acting" since he might have already know that this is part of Des' act. Des is known for pantsing a bitch in front of everyone. If Des came at me like that, I'd whip out the Vaseline and drop it down low.

A still of Mark Ronson's furry pancakes is after the jump. Take off your own pants and JUMP!

A few months ago it seemed that slapping a stranger's child out in public was the sport of the moment. There was story after story of angry old bitches high-fiving kids in the face. One of those stories starred retired Hall of Fame coach Frank Teverbaugh. A card that read "Reserved for Frank Teverbaugh" was placed on a VIP table in Hell when the story broke that the 76-year-old pepaw allegedly back-handed an autistic boy who was throwing a tantrum at the public library.

At the time, the boy's mother claimed Coach Teverbaugh told her son to "shut the fuck up" before hitting him twice in the face, giving him a bloody nose.

Well, it looks like all charges against Coach Teverbaugh will be flushed down the toilet. In court today, his attorney presented several video clips from the library's security cameras that completely contradicts the mother's story. Coach Teverbaugh never slapped or cursed out the boy. An independent witness testified that the boy's mother overreacted. Basically, the mom tried to take a pepaw down! Werther's Originals will never taste sweet to her again. Click here to see the clips if you care.

Coach Teverbaugh's attorney said, “We think she should be charged for false reporting. It’s clear she was lying.”

And Coach Teverbaugh himself issued this statement: "Ahs so happeh I could slap a red-headed autistic boy!" No, he didn't say that.

(Thanks Jaime)

That's what an advocacy group called The Alliance for Inclusion in the Arts screamed after they heard Abigail Breslin is going to play Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker on Broadway. They are shitting in the producers coffees, because they believe the role should go to an actress who is either blind or deaf. Where was this group when the damn PEPSI GIRL was cast as Helen Keller? That's when we really needed them.

The producer of the revival told The New York Times that they had to cast a big shiny name in the lead role in order to get investors to fork over cash for the $3 million production. He said that they might cast a deaf or blind actress as Abigail's understudy if she's "qualified." A rep for the advocacy group says that isn't enough. They think that an actress who can see and hear could never accurately portray Helen Keller.

This is the thing. Jakey G played a down-low peen lover in Brokeback Mountain and he..... Oh, um. Well, Jennifer Aniston has played a needy spinster with a hongray womb in all her movies and she.... Shit. Um, well, Tommy Girl played an egomaniacal vagina-hater in Magnolia and he... Oh, forget it. I stand corrected before being corrected. I'm with the advocacy group.

This isn't just your average Lil' Wayne birthday cake. This cake was a gift from Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to their 14-year-old daughter Ireland, who I really hope is a Lil' Wayne fan.

If you don't have strong ankles and good health insurance, you shouldn't even think about licking on this cake. If this cake is anything like the real Lil' Wayne, swallowing a little of its cream will knock you up in a few seconds flat.

And I'm guessing "Happy Birthday, Rude Little Pig" didn't fit on that heart.

Source: Rosebud Cakes via Gawker

RPanttiez vants to suck your blood....during that time of the month.

You know, just like the Twidildo, this makes all sorts of sense. I mean, Edward Cullen is responsible for thousands of pairs of chonies getting covered in massive amounts of creme de la coochie. So panties with his mouth on the labia area was the next natural step.

At this point, it won't be long for some bitches puts out sparkly Twitamponz. It won't leave a drop! The "Jacob Black Twitampon" will be extra furry for those with heavy flow.

Source: Robert Pattinson Online via The Frisky