I Don't Like Jokes

Matt Lauer's Today show contract with NBC doesn't end until 2014, but the head bitches at the network want him to pack up all his shit and get out as soon as possible since everybody wants to repeatedly punch their TV when his face comes on the screen. NBC has apparently talked to Matt Lauer about leaving the show early and they've had talks with possible replacements including The Silver Fox (seen above as The Light Brown Slightly New Wave-ish Fox).

Deadline said last night that NBC had a meeting with Anderson Cooper about getting up at the walk of shame hour (aka like 3am) to co-host Today and he was into it. NBC wants The Silver Fox to replace Matt Lauer by the end of the year. When the executives at NBC asked Matt what he thought about the Silver Fox replacing him, he pretty much took three shits on that idea and then he personally called Anderson Cooper and took another three shits on that idea. Deadline's source said that Anderson was sort of shocked by Matt whining about how he doesn't want him to take the job, because he thought Matt was in on the replacement discussions from the start. But....

TMZ is hearing some different crap. They're hearing that Matt never called Anderson and that Matt is actually into the idea of Anderson replacing his smug ass. Matt even wants to talk to Anderson face-to-face about the job.

The good news is that I lost about 0.0004 pounds from all the eye rolling calisthenics I did while reading that story at TMZ. I totally believe that Matt farted all over The Silver Fox's parade and I totally believe that Matt Liar called TMZ and told them he didn't.

Nobody wants Matt Lauer, but apparently everybody wants Anderson Cooper. Not only is NBC trying to get a piece of his ass, but he also shot a pilot with Kathy Griffin for CNN.

I am totally into Anderson Cooper replacing Matt Lauer and I am totally into his CNN show with Kathy Griffin, but only if they replace Decatur Guthrie (or whatever her name is) with Grumpy Cat and replace Kathy Griffin with....Grumpy Cat. What I'm saying is that The Silver Fox and Grumpy Cat should be cloned so they can host everything together.

Goopy Paltrow wants you to starve like her, wants you to dress like her, wants you to exercise like her and now she wants you to have stringy bleached-out skeleton hair...like her! Goopy, her hairstylist David Babaii and her bat-faced trainer Tracy Anderson got together and decided that what L.A. really needs right now is a blow dry bar. I said, blow DRY bar, Lindsay Lohan, so there's no need to run over there with an application and audition tape in hand.

The David Babaii Blow Dry Bar will be inside of Tracy Anderson's workout studio in Brentwood. All three of those brains think that putting a blow dry bar inside of a gym is a genius decision, because after sweating your internal organs out, what you really want is an overpriced blowout. David told People:

“It’s not just going to be a blowout bar. It’s going to be ‘Hey, why don’t we do this style with your new body? It’s more about your lifestyle. There’s no judgment.”

I don't even know what that means. But the only reasonable and logical answer to the question "Hey, why don't we do this style with your new body?" is "Hey, why don't you bite me?" And if I went to the gym, the only blow I'd want is the kind you get after trolling the men's locker room.

Rachel "Chupacabara" Zoe also has a blow dry bar in NYC and she charges $30 for a quickie, so I'm sure Goopy's blow dry bar is going to outdo her ass by charging $300 and they'll have to run a credit check beforehand, because they don't want any asses of the poor in their dolphin leather chairs.

If you really want hair like Goopy, you're not going to get it from a blowout. To get hair like Goopy's, you have to only eat peony seeds for weeks and every night when your husband doesn't come home, you have to moisturize your mop by crying into it right before you pass out on your swan feather-filled bed from starvation. That's how you get Goop hair!

The Hammaconda is living the life. It gets to hang out Jon Hamm all the time, it gets to get hand hugged by Jon Hamm regularly, it gets to go shopping, it gets to go to Hawaii and most important of all it gets to do all of that while not being suffocated in a pair of tight white chonies. But the evil, huge peen-hating executives at AMC (stands for A Motherfucking Cockhater) want to change all that. They're saying that Jon Hamm's free falling crotch snake has become distracting and they want him to put on some panties. They just won't let Jon Hamm's big dick be great. Cock blocking bitches.

A source tells the NYDN that Don Draper's pants have become a little more fitted this season, so there's nowhere for the Hammaconda to hide. The source says that when they shot in Hawaii and Jon Hamm had to wear tiny shorts, his cervix-cracking peen really came out to play and it made the whole crew giggle. They also had to Photoshop his bulge away in all of the promo posters for the new season. The source went on to say this shit:

“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear. His privates are the inside joke. [He] knows what he’s got.”

When the NYDN asked Jon Hamm's rep about this act of injustice against his big dick, they didn't laugh and said that everybody needs to grow up and stop acting like 12-year-olds.

“It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

Oh, please. I'm sure Jon Hamm's rep has close-up pictures of the Hammaconda wallpapered on every wall of their powder room like the rest of us do. But really, AMC can try to tame Jon Hamm's Mt. Everest bulge, but it's not going to happen. They can bind it down, they can wrap a frozen condom around it and they can even show it a picture of Kim Kardashian's chocha to make it scurry between Jon Hamm's legs, but eventually it will rise above and be seen. What I'm saying is that Jon Hamm's huge dick has outgrown Mad Men and needs its own show.

Or the executives of AMC can just give Jon's schlong its own dressing room so it has somewhere to hang out while he's shooting scenes. And yes, that's your cue to put a sign that reads "The Hammaconda's Dressing Room" above your mouth.

Lindsay Lohan finally decided to show up to court in L.A. this morning and she was only 50 minutes late. LiLo probably stopped for Blood Marys, did a pre-hearing bump in a gas station bathroom and changed into linnocent white (complete with a holy cross) before going to court, so 50 minutes isn't that late. When LiLo jumped out of her SUV and took the walk of shame into the court room, she got glitter-bombed the same way she got glitter-bombed in 2010. I used to think that everything is prettier when you throw a little glitter on it, but I was wrong. All that glitters is not gold. That tsunami of glitter should've been directed at her lawyer, the Larry H. Parker of gnomes, because he and his extra fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase deserves to be drenched in a sparkle storm, not her. If it only it was a swarm of bees!

If you're watching TMZ's live feed of Lindsay Lohan's latest date with the California Justice System, then you probably have the California seal embedded into your retinas, because her trial hasn't started. They're running over 2 hours late and apparently LiLo has been in the bathroom while six Sheriffs wait outside for her. How rude of those Sheriffs. Can't they give a bitch some privacy while she's trying to shit out the 4 balloons of coke she swallowed before going through airport security? No respect!

LiLo's court date is supposed to start any minute now, so you can watch the live feed if you want to see her finger bang the justice system in the butt without lube again. If the trial doesn't start, you can just look at the seal for another two hours and honestly, staring at that seal is probably better than staring at LiLo's stale empanada lips.

UPDATE: Throw out the popcorn, because there's not going to be a Crackie vs. The People trial after all. After turning down plea deal after plea deal for weeks, LiLo struck a deal with prosecutors today. LiLo pleaded no contest to reckless driving and lying to the cops about being the one who crashed her Porsche into a semi. The reckless driving charge brings an automatic 5 days in jail, but the prosecutors agreed to roll that into her time in rehab. LiLo agreed to 90 days in lockdown rehab, 30 days of community labor in New York and 18 months of psychotherapy. LiLo's on probation for stealing that jooree and she admitted to violating her probation. The judge sentenced her to 180 days in jail for that, but she won't have to serve that sentence if she obeys all the laws (HAHAHAHA!). The judge also told her to stop driving.

And that's that. I'm sure we'll be doing all of this again in a couple of weeks when LiLo breaks out of rehab, steals a car, robs a liquor store and then drunkenly crashes into a preschool.

Matt Lauer's current $25-million-a-year contract with NBC will not be renewed, because Today's viewers went from loving to hate-watch him to hating to hate-watch him. Alex Trebek's final contract as host of Jeopardy! ends sort of around the same time that Matt Lauer's contract ends and you know where I'm going with this so let's just all scream NOOOOOOO! together.

The New York Post says that in 2016, 72-year-old Alex Trebek will retire as host of Jeopardy! and Sony Pictures Television, who owns the show, is already putting together a list of possible replacements. Matt Lauer, who is currently at the bottom of the People I Want To Watch In The Morning list, is at the top of Sony's list. Alex has had a few heart problems recently, so he wanted to quit that bitch and retire this year. But Sony convinced him to stay for three more years, because they told him they need a lot of time to find his replacement.

Sony is also thinking of talking to America's sweetheart Anderson Cooper about taking the job. The Silver Fox is apparently into it. The Silver Fox hosted The Mole for a quick minute (and he always has an invitation to be the host of My Hole, sorry) and he likes the idea of hosting a game show, because the shooting schedule is easy. Sony thinks they're still a year-and-a-half away from seriously talking to The Silver Fox or Matt Lauer about the job, but a source says that major moves could be made before then.

America is thisclose to getting rid of Matt Lauer and Jeopardy! is already planning his return to television? Damn them. Matt Lauer is better than Alex Trebek at some things (example: Matt Lauer does a criminal check on every call girl he gets from the Yellow Pages. Alex made a rookie mistake), but hosting a game show isn't one of them. The silver-topped Canadian raisin that is Alex Trebek cannot be replaced!

But if Sony insists on going on with the show and replacing Alex Trebek, they should replace him with Sean Connery. Then Alex can be a contestant and he can mess with Sean for once.

I guess nothing lulls Jim Bob Duggar to sleep like the soothing and sorrowful sound of Michelle Duggar's uterus sadly humming the melody to "Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen" to itself at night...... Because Michelle and Jim Bob are making her uterus even sadder by telling the world that they want to have yet another baby. Michelle's Battle of Normandy womb is probably temporarily speechless right now, so I'll speak for it by saying: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

The Duggar family announced on Monday that they're single-handedly single-vaginaedly helping the US to overtake China as the #1 most populated country in the world and Michelle told Radar that being a grandmother again is "wonderful," but she would really love to have another baby of her own. Michelle and Jim Bob's 19th child, Josie, was born with all kinds of health problems and she suffered a miscarriage a little over a year ago. Michelle tells Radar that she might be too old to have another child, but she's still trying.

“If God saw fit for us to receive another child we would love that and welcome that. Well, I’m 46 years old, and if this is the end for me being able to bear children then that is God’s timing. I will rejoice no matter where I find myself. Having grandchildren is like cream on the top of a wonderful sundae!”

We get it, Michelle Duggar, we get it. Michelle and Jim Bob like to fuck and they like to do it bareback style. But for the sake of her uterus, she should put a plug in Jim Bob's peen slit before she gets on that dick. I don't know how many times I've read about Michelle Duggar's uterus prolapsing. Every time her uterus tries to fall out, Jim Bob shoves it back in with his peen and tries to make another baby. If the Duggars really want to add to their hoarders pile of babies, they should just take a couple from OctoMom.

Jennifer Aniston is supposed to break the forever alone curse put on her by an evil witch (no comment) by licking the grease off of Justin Theroux's lips when they kiss at their wedding in a few months. Jennifer is supposed to get all the attention and all the covers of every magazine and everybody should be talking about her her her her her! But because Brad Pitt has to ruin everything, he's probably going to ruin her wedding day.

The Sun (I know, I know) says that Brad got a marriage license about a month ago and that he and Angie Jolie are planning to throw a wedding at their chateau in France in May. Jennifer also wants to get married around May, so she's pissing into Brad's bong, because he's ruining her damn life once again. Some source said that Jennifer was thinking of going to Brad's wedding (file that under: things that will only happen if Maddox lures her there by leaving a trail of Beanie Babies from her door to Brangie's wedding), but she's changed her mind.

“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests. She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars."

I know, I've typed this a million times before (what else is new?), but Brangie and TinAnis should really make the world explode by having a double wedding. If they had a double wedding, the sheer force of the Brangeloonies' heads exploding would make the Earth tilt on its axis and we'd all free fall into the universe before landing on a planet far, far away. We'd get up, wipe the foreign planet dust off of our body and just as we all breathed out sighs of relief over never hearing about the Brangie and Aniston triangle again, some alien will come up to us and say in our native tongue, "So who's dress was hotter? Jen or Angie's?"

But really, Brad and Angie are never getting married. They're just dragging this out to torture all of us forever.

And here's Brad dressed like a middle-aged lesbian architect while walking through LAX yesterday.

I'd like to think that a car driving by was blasting "One" from A Chorus Line and the music made Ben Affleck bust into his one-man kick line, but that's not what's happening here. After picking his 4-year-old daughter Seraphina up from school, Ben took her to the Brentwood County Mart and when they got there he found a bunch of paps waiting for him. Ben's b-hole started to boil up when the paps got too close to his daughter and so he started kicking at those bitches the same way Jennifer Garner has to kick out his side whores when she finds them naked in the pool house.

A source type tells TMZ that Ben never touched the pap with his foot and only kicked out his leg to show the paps how far they need to keep away from his daughter. The source says that the paps keep getting bolder and bolder and it's scaring Seraphina so much that it's making her cry. So Ben brought out his mama bear martial arts skills by kicking at those hos.

Even though Ben claims that his foot never touched that pap, I'm sure that pap will still say that the gust of wind created by Ben's flying foot made him fall to the ground, hit his head on a cement parking log and drop his $5,000 camera. The pap suffered a major concussion, his $5,000 camera is broken and he instantly developed a severe fear of flying legs. The pap will never be able to enjoy a Rockettes show again! He will sue for emotional and physical damages.

It must've been a slow day on the stroll if the paps are taking pictures of Ben Affleck. Who cares about Ben Affleck? The Oscars are over! There's brighter stars on the stroll like Phoebe Price. You know what these celeb whores need to do when they don't want to get their picture taken? They need to call up international supermodel Chicken Cutlets, because she'll show up and distract the paps with her world-class posing skills while they do whatever it is you do at the Brentwood County Mart. PP will save them.

And since you don't really care about looking at pictures of Ben Affleck, here's also some pictures of PP being demure and graceful on the stroll a couple of weeks ago.

Seen her in Dublin telling the paps about the first time he gazed deep up into Lindsay Lohan's black hole of cooch, Charlie Sheen is telling TMZ that he wants to be LiLo's permanent Captain-Save-A-Ho and he thinks he'd be the perfect mentor. Yeah, I don't know if Charlie wants to be her actual mentor or if he's confusing the meaning of "mentor" with the meaning of "pimp" again. If it's the latter, he'll have to win LiLo by pimp fighting White Oprah near the dumpsters in back of the T.G.I. Friday's on Long Island.

Charlie has already bailed a ho out by giving LiLo $100,000 to pay her taxes and he gave her a guest spot on his show Anger Management,  and now he's telling TMZ that he wants to help that freckled vodka stain full-time. LiLo's cracked out knight in aluminum foil armor shat out these words to TMZ about helping out a fellow fuck-up:

"I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her."

I love her, I respect her, and I've never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film. How ya like me now, America?"

Never laid a finger on her? That bandaged thumb tells me otherwise, because any finger that touches LiLo's crotch gets burned. And that whole line translates into, "Well, she sucked me off once, so technically I am telling the truth. No fingers were involved."

LiLo should take him up on his offer, because why the hell not? Spending at least 5 minutes with LiLo's annoying ass will make Charlie snort up every line of coke in the L.A. area and he'll pass out. Then while he's knocked out, LiLo can get into his computer and wire everything in his checking account to her account on the Caymans. It'll be her greatest heist yet.

But really, you know you've found the rock bottom of rock bottom when Charlie Sheen thinks he can help you to be a responsible and sober person.

And here's Charlie, his stack of foreskin chins and his piece of the moment Georgia Jones in his Dublin, Ireland last night.

TMZ says that right after Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH, police found a bottle of booze lying next to her car and one officer said the smell of alcohol was wafting out of her mouth. LieLo told the cops that she wasn't driving the Porsche, but a bunch of witnesses saw her driving and said she switched places with her assistant right after she butt fucked the 18-wheeler hard. The police didn't give LiLo a Breathalyzer test, because they knew it would explode if she blew into it and they didn't want to deal with broken equipment. They didn't give her a sobriety test at the time, because they thought she was a passenger and there's nothing illegal about being a drunk passenger. (If there was, I'd be on death row.) They also didn't give her a sobriety test, because they knew she'd fail and they'd waste their time by arresting her since nothing ever happens to her.

Before LiLo's dumb ass fired Shawn Holley without knowing it, Shawn was working on a plea deal in the case. After Shawn told LiLo that she'd rather suck off a lamprey than continue to be her lawyer, the plea deal was taken off of the table. But LiLo's new lawyer, that buffoon Mark Heller, is currently negotiating a new plea deal that'll keep her ass out of the clink. The Santa Monica Attorney is offering LiLo 60 days in rehab and community service in New York if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche. They also want LiLo to go to a bunch of AA meetings. Mark Heller and the SM Attorney are expected to make a deal today...maybe.

So to recap: this freckled piece of foreskin lint was most likely driving drunk and she lied to the cops, and she's still not going to jail. I used to think that coming out of White Oprah's snatch was a curse, but I guess it was a gift. You get to do whatever the hell you want.

And I bet that part of the deal is that the LAPD will have to give LiLo two bottles of vodka. One bottle of vodka is for the bottle of vodka she had to pour out on the side of the road when the cops showed up after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. The second bottle of vodka is for ruining her buzz by asking her a bunch of questions after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. I mean, can't the cops just let Lindsay Lohan drive drunk in peace! (Apparently, they can and they are.)