I Don't Like Jokes

I know it was confirmed that recent Twitter drop-out Miley Cyrus was going to be in the next Sex and the City movie, but I didn't think they would actually go through it. Well, they have! Last night, Billy Ray's pet chipmunk shot scenes with Kim Cattrall and SJP at the Ziegfeld Theater in NYC.

SPOILER ALERT: The scenes obviously involves Samantha and Miley showing up to a movie premiere in the same exact outfit. This probably forces Samantha to run into the bathroom and make a gown out of toilet liners, maxi-pads and condom wrappers. Everything goes fine until Carrie just can't help herself and starts chewing on Samantha's dress. COMEDY!

Miley isn't the only one dropping in on the sequel. SATC2: Attack of the Dry Lady Parts also features cameos by Liza Minnelli, Barbara Streisand, Tim Gunn, and Penny Cruz.

Dora the Explorer and Strawberry Shortcake already have eating disorders and lost the fat, so it was only a matter of time before Rainbow Brite followed. Hallmark has sent Rainbow Brite to the plastic surgeon, stuck some extensions in hair, got her a make-up makeover at the MAC counter, and is sending her back to work beginning next year. Rainbow Brite used to look like an adorable roly poly girl, and now she looks like a chick who will try to give you a light show with her glow sticks while you're rolling on E at a rave. I can deal.

However, I cannot deal with Hallmark replacing Rainbow Brite's main gays with a trio of furry dingle berries. I mean, the old Rainbow Brite loved her gays, and the new one apparently loves hairy nutsacks with arms and legs. Yeah, no.

And if Hallmark really wants to push Rainbow Brite out on the ho stroll to compete with professional prostitots like the Bratz dolls, they are going to need to try harder. Rainbow Brite is going to need a pair of rainbow bitties, as well as a pair of lucite heels (with a rainbow light in the paltform, of course).

If you were like me, your eyeballs were probably stuck to the TV for the past few hours watching the soap opera called Flight of the Navigator II: Falcon Flies Above. Officials just confirmed that 6-year-old Falcon Heene (the kid in the middle) was hiding in a cardboard box in the attic while everyone was trying to find his ass. SO GROUNDED (punned on purpose).

This afternoon, every TV station cut to a floating silver weather balloon flying above Ft. Collins, Colorado. Falcon's brother told the police that he saw him get into the weather balloon before it took off into the sky. About an hour and a half later, the balloon softly landed in an open field. Falcon wasn't in the balloon. That's when a search was called, and some believed that Falcon might have fallen out of the balloon shortly after it took off.

Well, the fact is that Falcon untethered the balloon, and then ran into the house to hide. Falcon thought his ass was going to get into trouble for letting the balloon go.

Falcon's family has already been on Wife Swap, but methinks it's time for SuperNanny to pay a visit. Better yet, send Nancy Grace over there. That will make the entire family wish they were flying 7,000 feet above the ground in a weather balloon.

How long before Falcon is named as the new face for Jiffy Pop? And you know Def Jam is already trying to sign him. Here's Falcon's first single:

When this little boy takes a bite out of a piece of deep fried butter, he busts into a dance that would make Velma from Scooby Doo really proud. The truth is, I'm not sure if he's dancing because the taste of deep fried fat has filled him with the dance spirit, or if he's jumping around to stop his heart from freaking the hell out. Who knows, but I do know that I really want a piece of deep fried butter right now. If it doesn't make my arteries pop, it will make me dance dance DANCE!!!!

VIA The Awl

Missing Person's Dale Bozzio has been put on the curb after she failed to pay rent on a San Fernando Valley house she was living in for a few months. TMZ says that Dale owes her landlord a total of $4,400. Dale confirmed that she's been evicted, and said she's going to go back to New Hampshire.

This news will probably send the cat friends of New Hampshire running for the border, because Dale was convicted of pussy abuse last May. 12 cats found in Dale's dungeon of death had to be sent to heaven, because they were so sick when authorities found them. Dale was sentenced to 90 days in the clink. She still claims she was set-up. All fingers point to Lady CaCa. Seriously, Dale should file a lawsuit against Lady CaCa for snatching her whole look! I present the court with EXHIBIT A!

Dale told TMZ that one of the reasons she's back to New Hampshire is to "pay penance." That's fine, but just keep her away from all pussies.

You might have already seen the ridiculous Ralph Lauren ad on the left which was Photoshopped by a cross-eyed chihuahua who has a bad case of ADD and a strange fascination with tree branches. After everyone cried "outrage" over the pic, Ralph Lauren issued some half-assed apology saying they take full responsibility...blah..blah...blah. The model in the picture, Filippa Hamilton, doesn't actually look like that in real life. Filippa's head is actually bigger than her hips. Nuts, I know.

At 5'10" and 120lbs, Filippa is pretty svelte, but she still isn't skinny enough for Ralph Lauren. On the Today show this morning, Filippa said Ralph Lauren sent her to the guillotine, because she didn't look like she might fall over if you a blew a kiss at her.

Filippa said, "They fired me because they said I was overweight and I couldn't fit in their clothes anymore. I'm very proud of what I look like, and I think a role model should look healthy."

Karl Lagerfeld just went into cardiac arrest from having an ass orgasm over this.

Ralph Lauren confirmed to the NYDN that they pink-slipped Filippa "as a result of her inability to meet the obligations under her contract with us."

Maybe this has something to do with the recession. Maybe the brains at Ralph Lauren think that since people can't buy food, we will all look like malnourished praying (for food) mantises. Not only that, why pay Filippa when they can pull some random kid off the street and give them a couple of Skittles to draw the next Ralph Lauren ad:

Joe Jackson's strong pimp hand is at it again! When Michael Jackson was alive, he went to great lengths (i.e. masks) to make sure his kids lives' be as private as possible. Well, the Jackson family is saying "FUCK THAT," because they have agreed to allow Michael's 3 kids to star in the new A&E reality show about the family which airs this December.

One source told UsWeekly that even though Janet and Katherine are on the show, not all the Jacksons are happy about this. Rebbie has refused to be a part of this fuckery, and she doesn't think MJ's kids should involved either. The source added, "Rebbie feels Michael would spin in his grave if he knew his kids would be on this show."

The show's executive producer told UsWeekly, "We have 23 cast members with the last name Jackson. They've done a great job opening up about losing a brother."

Joe Jackson had this to say: "PRIVACY DON'T PAY THE BILLS! BUY MY BLU-RAY DISCS!" (he didn't say that)

UPDATE: Katherine Jackson issued a statement to TMZ shooting this down. Katherine said Michael would never want his kids on TV and she will honor that. As long as she's their legal guardian, Michael's kids will never be on a TV show.

At the Hollywood Style Awards on Sunday, Pamela Anderson showed up with a 9-year-old girl who spent the entire night holding her train and tending to her needs. The girl's name is Adelaide Gault and she's the daughter of some famous make-up artist-type. According to Page Six, guests were shocked to see Pamela treat the little girl like a damn slave. Who does she think she is? Kathie Lee?!

One guest said, "She didn't even have her own seat and had to sit at Pamela's feet, where people nearly stepped on her to get to the stage. The girl looked uncomfortable and kept tugging on her dress to get her attention, but Pamela waved her away. And, after she presented David LaChapelle with an award onstage, she shouted 'daughter' in front of the whole auditorium, and slapped her leg like she was calling a puppy. The girl rushed up to grab her train."

Not only was the poor girl forced to pull Pamela's train (FREE CLINIC ALERT), but imagine having to stare into Pam's toxic abyss? The girl was probably left confused, because Pam's coochie coo kept smacking at her. It was trying to say, "HEEEEELP MEEEE!," but the open sores in its mouth made it hard for it to get the words out. That girl will never EVER be able to eat a gryo with extra yogurt sauce again.

On the other hand, I like Pam's way of thinking. Kids are so damn lazy these days. We need to put them to work. You're probably straining your wrists while sipping on that cup of coffee right now. Imagine having a child at your side who can hold that cup for you and bring it to your lips whenever you get thirstay. It would make life so much easier.

And you know that little girl used Pam's dress to escape from her 2nd floor bedroom window later on in the night.

(Image: Adriana M. Barraza / WENN.com)

Every Halloween, bitches of all ages and sizes stuff their asses into fishnets to walk the streets looking like they will suck every last dollar out of you. But why should humans be the only ones doing ho shit on October 31st? Let's drags our pets down the slut road too! Pimps up, dogs down!

Consumerist pointed my ass to a few sites selling "sexy dog Halloween costumes" and matching whore outfits for you too! You can dress your dog up as a "Sexy Alice in Wonderland Scarecrow" (whatever the dick that is) or as a "naughty French maid." Blame Paris Hilton.

I'm going to save my coins, because my dog already walks around like a big skankity skank skank. I mean, he struts the streets totally nekkid and that's about as whorey as you can get.

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."