I Don't Like Jokes

That slut Cameron Diaz may have nabbed another hot dude. Gatecrasher reports that Cammy was seen "frolicking" on the beaches of the Bahamas with that hot piece Scott Speedman. He apparently has a house there and Cammy has been making her annoying ass comfortable.

A witness said, "He has a house down there, and they were frolicking on the beach. They were definitely smooching." Smooching? Frolicking? Who the hell talks like that? That sounds like someone Cammy would say. Shit, she's probably "the witness." I wouldn't doubt it. I could see bitch calling all the papers claiming she's linked to all these hot dudes.

But why Scott? Why? Cammy has infected yet another one. Anything she touches turns to fug.

"Nightmare on Elm Street" is getting butchered. Variety reports that Michael Bay is currently putting together a remake of the classic horror film. This isn't a sequel or prequel, it's a straight-up remake. Just like the recent Halloween and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They are aiming for a May start.

It's unlikely that the original Freddy Krueger, Robert Englund, will return. They will most likely cast somebody else in the role. Can I recommend Joan Van Ark? No mask needed!

They better bring back Heather Langenkamp! She's probably like 60 now, but her career needs to be resurrected!

This movie will suck hedgehog nuts, but it will most likely makes tons of dough. People will see fucking anything. Me included.

There must be some sort of mix-up. It's been reported that Beyonce will play Etta James in a film called "Cadillac Records." Phew, at least it's not a biopic. Cedric the Entertainer spilled the news and said the film explores the Chicago blues label, Chess Records. The label and its founder, Leonard Chess, discovered Muddy Waters and Etta. Adrien Brody will play Leonard Chess. The cast also includes Jeffrey Wright, Emmanuelle Chriqui and Tammy Blanchard.

Fuck, I hope they put Beyonce in that blonde wig. I hope they put her in the wig and don't give her any lines. She is a scene killer! When I first heard this, I thought they were doing a spoof! I would rather see Eddie Murphy do drag for the ten-millionth time to play Etta than see Beyonce no-acting ass try and play Etta.

Source

Bidding ended last night for Gary Coleman's signed athletic pants from The Gap Kids. The auction ended at $400,000. Bids skyrocketed last week when Jimmy Kimmel bid $80 on the pants on his show. That night the auction hit the four-figure mark. Gary Coleman later called into Jimmy and said he thought most of the bids were bogus.

The seller asked for pre-approved bidders only. A $50 million bid was nixed early on.

Why do they have to play with little Arnold's heart like that? He's probably sitting at his little laptop all day, ferociously using his little fingers to refresh his PayPal account hoping that the check finally comes in. It never will.

I mean $400,000?! There's not even a jizz stain on them. Trust me, I've seen jizz stained undies on eBay before. No, I was not looking for them specifically. I happened upon them by accident. Gosh.

Source: E! Online

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that executives came up with this next idea during an acid binge. Important meetings should not be conducted with the Grateful Dead playing in the background. PageSix.com reports that there are plans for a Sanjaya variety show with his sister. The show will be called "The Sanjaya and Shyamali Show." Creative! It should be called "The Gong Show," because that's what it's going to be like. People are going to boo the hell out of these two hacks.

Sanjy's manager said they are talking to MTV for a pilot. He is also working on a CD. Can we pass a new law that when American Idol ends each season all the contestants must never be heard from again.

I have a better idea for MTV. Dumb that skank Tila Tequila and replace her with Sanjaya for "A Shot At Love 2." It's pretty obvious that Sanjy is strictly dickly even though he claims he likes the puss. I want to see him struggle with his thirst for dick.

This is just a bad....bad....idea. David Fincher had a little chat with MTV where he mentioned doing a Fight Club musical. It doesn't look like he was joking. He wants to debut it on Broadway in 2009. That's the 10th Anniversary of the movie. Chuck Palahniuk, the author of Fight Club, is reportedly on board. Trent Reznor is considering writing the music.

Listen, I'm all about shirtless dudes singing and dancing, but this has "major embarrassment" written all over it. Think of the insurance costs alone. These Broadway actors will not like being hit over and over again and even with "fake stage fighting" it's bound to happen. They are too precious and pretty for that. They are queens! Hearing Tyler Durden screech a high pitch "owwww" after accidentally being hit is not my idea of a good time.

Bail on this Fincher. Bail on it now! Spiderman the Musical with music by Bono is bad enough.

Channel 4 in the UK did a documentary on women and these fake baby dolls called "Reborns." The dolls looks like human babies down the littlest details. They breathe, burp, cry, shit and piss like real babies. Some even have beating heartbeats. The documentary follows several women that are really into these dolls, because they don't have time for real babies.

One of the women, Sue, said she's spent almost $30,000 on these dolls. She even buys it clothes and takes it to the park and shit. She even fills a bottle with fabric softener, because it looks like milk. She says the babies satisfy her maternal instincts without commitment. Sue has 9 of them and is expecting another. She said, “I don’t see any of my girls as real babies. I know they’re dolls. I’m under no illusion but it’s just where I haven’t got children I guess there is still that female instinct in me.”

You know if a fake baby that fake shits and fake eats and fake cries fills some kind of void....who am I to judge? You won't see me with one of those though. I'd rather carry around a Tamagotchi than carry around a fake baby. I can just imagine one day you're feeding that fake baby fabric softener and then all of a sudden it grabs your arm and says "It's time to play mommy." Hell no.

Tom Cruise is probably on the horn right now ordering a "brother" for Suri. Katie's going to be sooo happy.

You can watch the entire documentary "My Fake Baby" in 5 parts on YouTube