I Don't Like Jokes

And no, not CAPS-LOCK rehab. The internet couldn't take it if Kanye West stopped dry humping on his CAPS-LOCK key. Nope. But some sources are telling Star Magazine that there's a chance Kanye could have a problem with the sweet nectar. Before Kanye ripped Taylor Swift's heart out of her chester at the VMAs, he had been getting intimate with a bottle of Henny all night. So of course, Henny took the fall for his verbal barf fest, and now Kanye might go off to rehab to try to erase his wrong.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that sources close to Kanye haven't heard about him checking into the tank right after he finishes his Fame Kills tour with Lady CaCa in a few months. Kanye's spokeswhore also wouldn't comment on this.

This is my question, is there such thing as solo rehab? Because the quickest way to get a drunk reaching for their poison is to put Kanye West in the same room as them. That will make you fuck your sobriety directly in the asshole. Seriously, they should add a 13th step: Keep away from all things Kanye-related!

Usually when you see a crazed Mel Gibson running around the streets with a fat beaver in his hand, you can assume that there's a dozen empty Jack Daniels bottles laying around nearby with his saliva all over their tips. But this time, Mel's fisting a rabid beaver for a movie! The movie is called The Beaver and Jodie Foster is directing it as well as co-starring in it. Yes, a movie about a beaver directed by Jodie Foster and starring Mel Gibson. This whole post is like a drunken amputee whore. It just gets easier and easier.

I'm sure that beaver came from Jodie's personal collection. And notice how angry that beaver looks. Can't blame it. If Sugar Tits had his finger up your beaver, it would be snarling too.

And don't blow all your Catholic beaver jokes on this post. Shooting just started, so I'm sure there will be a zillion more pictures of Mel Gibson chasing a rabid beaver. Save up!

Hugh Jackmeoff and Daniel Craig were doing serious acting stuff in their Broadway play A Steady Rain the other night when they were interrupted by someone's annoying ass cell phone. The cell phone kept buzzing away which caused Hugh's succulent ass lips to get twisted. Hugh kept in character as he told the evil doer to shut their cell phone's mouth up. When the cell phone refused to shut up, James Bond finally spoke up, "Can you get that, whoever that is? Can you get it? We can wait, just get the phone."

This is why theater ushers should carry tasers. When a cell phone rings, taser the bitch, drag them out of the theater and go on with the show! Although, I am guilty of forgetting to turn my ringer off during a show (blame the good shit). The best/worst part of the story is that my ring at the time was Khia's "My Neck, My Back." Even in the dark, I could see a dozen shank eyes being thrown my way. It kind of gave me the tingles.

Source VIA Popeater

I'm joking. The teaser trailer for the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street didn't give me the zzzzzs, but it did make me laugh until I burped a couple of times. As much as I love Jackie Earle Haley (dude's performance in Little Children made me report him to Chris Hansen), I can't help but think, "You were in Bad News Bears! You don't scare me!" I was seriously waiting for one of the bitches in this trailer to tell Freddy Krueger, "KELLY LEAK, STOP! Coach Buttermaker isn't going to like this!"

And since Michael Bay produced this, does that mean he made Jackie Earle Haley wash his Ferrari for the role? Because if that happened, that's the shit I want to see!

Gird your loins, because I know this picture of Courtney Love snuggling up to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is giving you the dry heaves in your crotch area. OW!

Courtney and Hugo instantly became one at a screening for Oliver Stone's new documentary in NYC last week. Court told the NYDN that she noticed Hugo giving her the sex eye from across the room. That's when Court made her move. Court queefed, "It was the third wink that sold me. He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas!"

Yeah, I'm sure she'll rock Hugo's caracas (PASS THE EYE CLOROX). Courtney thinks that if she plays her pussy right she can be the new first lady of Venezuela. Actually, I take that back. Courtney probably doesn't even know who Hugo Chavez is. Courtney gets all her news from her hallucinations.

When Court was first introduced to Hugo, you know she screamed about how much she loved his coffee.

This is why we can't have nice things! This story of harebrained fuckery comes from the UK. Several hos who were driving along the street noticed that there was a gorilla running beside them. These dumb ass bitches called the police screaming about how there was an escaped gorilla on the loose. A gorilla in sneakers! When the cops arrived, they found that the "wild gorilla" was actually 45-year-old Rory Coleman in a gorilla costume. Rory had put on the costume for a charity marathon for The Gorilla Organization. This is some Trading Places shit!

The cops had a laugh and gave Rory several pounds as a donation. Rory told The Sun, "I told the police I'd come quietly as long as they gave me a banana."

This is why you don't drive right after dropping acid. If the drivers didn't call it in as a joke, then they really need a lobotomy. Give them a monkey's brain, because I can't even.....

Well, now Rory knows how Khloe Kardashian feels on a daily basis. You don't know how many times zookeepers have tried to lure her back to the zoo with bananas.

Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl (or more importantly, the hooker with a heart of gold from the original Melrose Place) was granted a temporary restraining order against her estranged husband, Daniel Giersch, because she claims he is effing up her life with his threats and overall craziness. This is just the latest lukewarm butt nugget in the filthy dirty custody battle between Kelly and Daniel.

According to the documents, Kelly says Daniel has been following her, her nanny and her mother. This caused the nanny to quit, because Daniel would constantly harass her and ask her questions about Kelly. Kelly claims that last week, when the nanny wouldn't give up any info, Daniel threatened to sue her ass. Kelly, who is a proud member of the La Leche League, also added that she can't make enough titty milk for her 3-month-old, because Daniel has caused her stress. Does Kelly have Salma Hayek's number in her rolodex, because she can squirt the leche under any condition! Bombs could be dropping around her, but that wouldn't stop Salma's "heal the world" chichis from feeding everyone.

The judge ordered that Daniel must stay at least 100 yards away from Kelly's life. The only time he's allowed near her home or car is when he's on a court-ordered visit with their kids Hermes & Helena.

Daniel's lawyer farted back at the claims and said Kelly is making it all up.

And I'm not Match.com or anything, but I think we need to set up a date (in a mental hospital) between Daniel and Anne "Celestia" Heche. That right there is a match made in straitjacket heaven.

VIA People

Last month, Gawker posted 4-minutes of a "naked and high tape" starring Eric Dane, his wife the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA who might be a whore merchant. The tape barely showed any of McSteamy's McPeeny and it contained zero sex. Basically, we all submitted a request for a refund to Eric Dane for giving us all blue balls. Well, Eric and Rebecca have submitted their own documents in a Los Angeles County courtroom.

TMZ reports that they filed a $1 million lawsuit against Gawker for "maliciously distrubing" the tape. They also want Gawker to kill the video from their website.

Gawker's publisher Nick Denton had this to say about the lawsuit: "To quote the great Marty Singer -- Eric Dane's lawyer -- if you don't want a sex tape on the internet, 'don't make one!'"

You know, we should all file a class action lawsuit against Eric and Rebecca for "leaking" a sex tape without any damn sex in it! False advertising! Seriously, they could've licked a clit or flicked a peen. Instead, all they gave us was their nekkid asses hanging onto each other while giggling like sixth-graders who just got high for the first time. You could see the exact same thing in one of the Hogan's home movies.

No, this is not a picture of swine flu victim Marilyn Manson (see below) in his jammies. It's Nicolas Cage in a test shot for Superman back when Tim Burton was going to direct the remake.

This shit looks more like SuperDepressedTranny, because Nicolas couldn't look less excited about this mess. Or maybe he's trying to secretly push out a stubborn fart bubble while stoned out of his skull. And I'm sure that fart reeked less than Superman Returns.

Source VIA Buzzfeed

I don't have a picture of the child slappin' villain of this story, but he probably has the same kind of permanent "I HATE EVERYTHING" look on his face as this grouchy pepaw who whooped a kid at Wal-Mart, so this will work! Now on to the story.

Yet another grown ass adult is in trouble for bringing his hand down on the face of a stranger's child in public. And this dude tops them all, because he allegedly slapped an autistic child. The devil cackles!

76-year-old Frank Teverbaugh, a local hero and high school coach in Richland, WA, is due in court next week to answer to charges of misdemeanor assault after he allegedly swore and hit a 7-year-old autistic boy outside of the library. Apparently, the boy was in the middle of a major tantrum while he was being led out of the library by his caretaker. The boy's mother was right behind them when she says she witnessed Frank approach her son and shout "Shut the fuck up!" before backhanding him in the face.

The boy wasn't the one to eff with, so he hit Frank back. At that point, Frank hit the boy a second time giving him a bloody nose. The boy's mother finally ran up to Frank and told him her son was autistic. Frank replied, "I don't give a rat's ass!" and stormed off. The boy's mother tried to call the police, but was told to go down to the station file a report which she did. Later that day, a police officer visited Frank and he received an assault citation.

Frank claims that the boy hit him hard first and he responded by "only" hitting him in the "fanny." He said he never slapped the boy in the face. Frank went on to say, "I don't know why I did it. He hit me pretty good. I was surprised a boy that small would hit has hard as he could. That is the truth."

Do we need to start sending old grouchy people back to pre-school so that they can learn to keep their hands to themselves? DAMN. It's not hard! If a child hits you, call 911, have them arrested, testify at their trial and laugh as the judge sentences them to life in prison. Do not hit them back!

I mean, I've been slapped by a dozen kids (e-mail me for their addresses to send them thank you gifts) and I always respond by removing myself from the situation. This is exactly why bongs were invented. If a child whoops you, pick up a bong and you'll forget all about it in a quick second. I bet if the good shit was legalized fuckery like this wouldn't happen as often.

Source (Thanks Amy)