I Don't Like Jokes

Sookeh and Beeehl aren't the only hos who are banging beach other after meeting on the True Blood set. Lainey Gossip says that Evan Rachel Wood and Alex Skarsgard have been fucking on each other for several weeks now. Do you hear that scraping sound? It's thousands of crazed fangbangers sharpening their shanks! Although, all they have to do is throw pie filling on Evan Rachel Wood and invite Marilyn Manson over for dessert. Bitch be gone!

Apparently, Evan and Alex have kept it on the down low by only hanging out together at non-famewhorey places in L.A. This past weekend, Evan flew to Shreveport, Louisiana to be with Alex. He's there shooting Straw Dogs with Kate Bosworth. Below is a picture of their asses walking down the street in New Orleans. Yeah, this isn't proof enough for me. If I was Evan, I'd be all over Alex's lingonberries all the time. Even in public. My legs would be wrapped around his shoulders and he'd have to carry my ass down the street like that. Evan's crotch area looks a little too calm.

If this shit is true, you know Evan Rachel Wood only went on True Blood to lick on Alex's piping hot Swedish meatball. I really have to stand up and applaud her ass for that. Bitch saw the goods and she got 'em. That is how it's done.

And I'm hoping that the next real-life True Blood romance will be between Eggs and Hoyt's mama je'e. Couple of the CENTURY!

Image VIA ONTD

During Brit Brit's "Mah Christmas Pussy Is Hanging Out" show in Greensboro, NC last night, she sang Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." Yes, she sang it and did not lip-synch. I didn't even think it was possible for sound to come out of Brit Brit's mouth while she's on stage. Yes, she sounded like one of the Chipettes with nasal allergies and was dressed like Bret Michaels just told her that her tour ends here, but at least she actually "sang." Mind. Blown. If she starts dancing on stage instead of walking and waving, we should all prepare for THE END!

And who do you think she dedicated that song to? My guess is that she was singing it to Chester Cheetah, because you know he was bumping it with Betty Crocker on the side. Or maybe she was thinking of KFed and his first love: DONUTS. Just so you know, Brit, several slutty donuts have gone down on KFed in a theater. Sorries.

VIA ONTD

Whenever HoHan calls the casting directors at True Blood, they probably cackle until the connection goes out. So HoHan has been forced to audition on Twitter. Yes, it's come to this. HoHan, who has already admitted that she's a major True Blood fanwhore, posted these pictures of her as a vampire on her Twitter. Nice try, bitch. If the show was called True Cokeywhore, then she'd get the starring role, but unfortunately it's not. The only way I could appreciate her Hot Topic-approved vampire look is if we were at a goth rave and I had a pill up the butt.

And here's a few pictures of Jason Segel busting buttons (LITERALLY) while arriving at the Chateau Marmont last night. Apparently, that's HoHan in the backseat of the SUV with him. They were partying all night together. And that's how she's going to get on How I Met Your Mother. Do who you gotta do, HoHan!

For some reason, Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe is in Blanco, TX. Maybe she was styling Shelley Duvall for the Roswell UFO Festival? Yeah, who knows, but somehow Chupa ended up passing out in some dude's barn. She probably had too much Starbucks and Adderall and crashed majorly.

Chupa was discovered by some hillbillies who took her to the local taxidermist. It's happened before. Chupa will be fine. I'm sure she'll wake up from her caffeine coma in a couple of days and strut back to Hollywood where she'll shut it down for Eva Mendes and throw bananas at Anne Hathaway. Or something. Yes, I watch her show. Yes, I'm ashamed.

Here's Chupa looking much healthier a few days ago with her husband in Malibu.

Most 3-year-olds are lazy babblers who spend their days pushing Cheerios around, slobbering all over everything and get excited about talking sponges (Just like me!), but not Shiloh Jolie-Pitt! No, Shiloh is already flying planes around the world and making paninis that would melt the tongues of a million Italians. In this week's Life & Style, they take us inside the magical world of a 3-year-old.

Apparently, Shiloh loves is a regular Top Chef judge, because she loves paninis. One special soul told Life & Style that they watched Shiloh and St. Angie share a panini at a cafe in Corsica, "They were talking and seemed really happy to be out with each other." Shiloh was also heard saying that she wants to be an actor like her parents when she gets older. Then she ordered a bottle of the 59' Chateau Hanteillan and asked them to serve it to her on the veranda, because she likes to watch the sunset.

I mean, is next week's cover of Life & Style going to take us into the world of Kourtney Kardashian's fetus? I shouldn't joke, because it probably is!

Personally, I'm still waiting for the twin messiahs shocking "coming out" cover on People: "Yes, we poop our pants! And it smells!"

VIA Cover Awards

So, I guess it looks like a Smurf. Actually, it looks more like Kate Hudson after not getting her coochie tickled for a few days. Yeah, she turns blue. But anyway, I'm not going to barf all over The Smurfs movie just yet, because it does come from the brilliant mind who directed such memorable masterpieces as Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Big Momma's House. So how could he probably screw this one up (SPOILER ALERT: Easy)?

And based on that tagline, I'm guessing this movie follows Sneezy Smurf as he becomes the drug king of Smurf Village. I always knew those Smurfs were hooked on the bad shit in a major. And I always knew Smurfette was the inspiration for Elvira Hancock.

VIA Coming Soon

Here's your daily dose of Michael Jackson fanfiction courtesy of The Sun! They have it on good authority (aka the visions they saw after dropping acid while watching The Good Son) that Macaulay Culkin is Blanket Jackson's biological father. Even Claire Cruise has filed this under CRAAAAZY TALK.

A source said that 29-year-old Macaulay donated sperm which was used to create 7-year-old Blanket. The source went on to fart, "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father. So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolised him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing."

Macaulay, who is godfather to two of Michael's children, has yet to comment on death of Michael Jackson. And of course, he wouldn't comment on this mess. Maybe he used it to wipe his ass after a serious bowel movement, but he didn't issue any statements about it.

I should've seen the Macaulay rumors from a million miles away. Expect to see this headline in the next edition of Weekly World News: EXCLUSIVE! Linus van Pelt is Blanket's true biological father! Actually, I'd believe that one.

Even cartoon fruits gotta get their fuck on, but a man in England isn't happy that they are doing it out in public and on the front of a candy wrapper. Simon Simpkins is madder than fish grease over the porny images on the wrappers for Maoam candies.

The wrappers feature a pervy lime, who we'll call Jon Gosselime, humping on a whory lemon and popping a couple of cherries. Simon's explanation of the wrappers is pretty hilarious. Dude is so proper! Simon cleared his throat, raised his pinky and told Metro, "The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face. I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park."

Um. Did she happen to sit on a vibrator that was lying in her backseat, because you know that's what she was doing in that car park! The only thing that was distressed was his wife's coochie, because she got the sexy itch down there after seeing those fruits going at it. Truth!

Haribo, who produces the candies, laughed off Simon's claims and said, "The jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old."

What is the big deal? It's just a lime (who looks more like a lima bean) munching on a cherry and squeezing the jizz out of a lemon. It's natural! Simon really needs to fuck a fruit and lighten up a bit.

This actually took longer than I expected, but here's one of the first "MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE" vidoes. KTLA posted this clip of "Michael Jackson" getting out of an L.A. Coroner's van. The person who uploaded the video to LiveLeak wrote this:

"This video shows that Michael was still alive after his dead body was transported to the Los Angeles Dept. of Coroner I checked the license plate number and it looks like the King of Pop is jumping out of the same van, his dead body has been in. I got the original video tape from a trustworthy source. I know him for years. And I am sure it´s real and Michael is alive."

It's obviously Michael. All the signs are there. I mean, he's wearing a white shirt and Michael wore white shirts...sometimes. He's also wearing black pants and I'm sure Michael wore black pants A LOT. I'm sure Michael was on his way to play a game of Chutes & Ladders with Elvis and Tupac.

But there's only one way to find out (you know where I'm going with this)! DETECTIVE LA TOYA, your job is not done! Pick up your magnifying glass and get to the bottom of this!

(Thanks Kristina)

The demonic warlords at American Idol can not stop the little pill popper who can! Paula always rises HIGH HIGH HIGH above (after nose dancing with a little Nitrous). We can resume playing the "Do a shot every time Paula does the Vicodin stutter" drinking game, because Paula Abdul will host Vh1's Divas Live on September 17th.

This is her first TV job since Idol left her career for dead in the gutter! Paul was in talks with ABC for a role on Ugly Betty and a judge spot on Dancing with the Has-Beens, but that didn't work out, because they refused to install an InstyMeds kiosk in her trailer. Rude!

After four years, Divas Live will return with a line-up which includes: Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus, Adele, Leona Lewis and Jordin Sparks.

We're going to need Detective La Toya Jackson to bring her magnifying glass over here and tell us where the divas are. Because I don't see any in that list.

I mean, Miley Cyrus?! One of Queen Aretha Franklin's juicy chichi dingles is more of a diva than Miley. Was Noah Cyrus already booked at the Spearmint Rhino, because EVEN she is more of a diva than Miley. Hopefully, Paula Abdul's crackhead antics will save this show!

VIA MTV