I Don't Like Jokes

If you are a chicken or a chicken lover (but not in that way), you better skip this shit. That means you Chicken Cutlets! Shut your eyes.

At first glance I thought this was a picture of Ian McKellen with his new chicken twink. It's not. It's the 71-year-old star of the fourth season of Germany's Farmer Wants a Wife. On the season finale, pepaw farmer Hansi chose 66-year-old Marianne as his final chick. Usually when two people decide they want to be together, they celebrate it with a little sexy times. That's what Hansi did, but instead of getting nasty with Marianne, he tried to pleasure a chicken! 8 million viewers watched as Hansi finger plucked a chicken while telling Marianne, "This is how they get an orgasm."

That nasty ass chicken plucker! CLUCK NO.

Marianne did not appreciate the chicken getting more action than her, so she packed up her shit and quit that bitch. Before she left, she told the cameras, "You always hear jokes about what lonely farmers do to their animals… I am disgusted. This is not my world."

Hansi, a nudist who walks around his farm naked, doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. He said, "Hansi is always happy when the chickens are happy.”

Peta already sent off their complaint about Hansi's sexual abuse of chickens.

I've heard of q-tipping a cat in heat, but chicken orgasms?! Is that where McDonald's Sweet & Sour sauce comes from?

Hansi has been around chickens for way too long. When you are start to get impure thoughts while watching chickens peck at their food and wiggle their feathers, it's time to check into the nearest loony bin before shit like this happens. Just cockadoodledon't!

Visit Bild to see pictures of the grossness.

What in the barley water Xenu hell is this shit all about?! Tommy Girl got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his "blink and you'll miss it" cameo in Tropic Thunder. Who's Caesar Salad with extra dressing did he toss to get nominated? The better question is probably who's Caesar Salad hasn't he tossed in Hollywood? Does it only take wearing a bald cap and acting like a fool to get nominated? If that's the case then Coneheads should have swept the GGs back in '93. ....the fuck?!

The other dudes in Tommy's category include Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder), Ralph Fiennes (The Duchess), Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt) and Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight).

Heath was the only one nominated from The Dark Knight.

In the other film categories, Brad Pitt was nominated for that baby with old face movie. St. Angelina was nominated for that "He is not mah son" movie. Sean Penn got one for Milk and Mickey "My Face Kills Bunnies" Rourke got one for The Wrestler. Both Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet were nominated twice. Meryl for Mamma Mia! (ew) and Doubt. Kate for Revolutionary Road and The Reader.

During the nominations, the audience started laughing their shit off when Tommy Girl and James Franco (for Pineapple Express) were nominated. I didn't laugh when they announced Tommy, I slapped myself, poured rubbing booze in my ears and rewinded to make sure I heard correctly.

On the TV side....TRUE BLOOD WAS ROBBED!!!!! TB only got two nominations: one for Best Drama and one for Anna Paquin. No nominations for Lafayette and Tara! They are the best bitches in that shit! Anna Paquin is the least most interesting ho in that crap. RECOUNT!

While I go and write my "You are True Blood H8RS" letter to the Foreign Press Association, click here to see all the Golden Globe Nominations.

AND no Phoebe Price for her life-changing role in Get Smart! I can't.....

I see what's going on here and I'm not about it. Lisa Ling is trying to get a little sugar from Mah Boo. Yeah, I know she's married to some hot doctor-type, but no one can resists the charms of the Silver Fox! Wait. If I put on a black wig and a black dress, I might be able to pass as Lisa Ling. Then Mah Boo will finally grant me a hug instead of sending security after me!!

Anyway, here's that dreamwrecker Lisa Ling trying to get on Mah Boo at some CNN even last night. I also threw in a picture of Lisa with the beautiful and talented Cindy Adams! Peta is going to get shit for mistaking her wig for a dead animal and throwing flour all over her face. That was wrong of them.

I am so confused after reading this shit. Jay Leno was all set to quit NBC and there were rumors that he was going to take his chin game to ABC. That's not going to happen anymore. Jay Leno is going to stay at NBC, but basically his show is going to move to the 10pm hour before the news. Conan O'Brien is going to take over The Tonight Show next year.

Jay's 10 o'clock show will run Monday through Friday, 5 days a fucking week. What the hell is going to happen to Law & Order? I don't watch that show, but I do enjoy their commercials. They are so damn dramatic.

I guess, the 10pm hour has always been a bitch for NBC. They are also looking to cut costs, because the economy is being gross and Leno's show itself is relatively cheap to produce.

Jay's fans must making out with their bowl of Cream of Wheat this morning, because they are so happy about this news. Those memaws and pepaws no longer have to hold their eyes open with clothespins in order to stay up past 11pm.

Personally, I think a better idea would be to give Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator the 10pm slot 5 days a week. I mean, 5 nights of Chris Hansen, iced tea and moronic pedos? Gold! They can even bring Jay Leno in if they want to tell jokes to the pedos as they shuffle off to the clink.

Source: LA Times

Fran Drescher has already been The Nanny and now she wants to be The Senator! Sorry, it's early and the Sanka hasn't kicked in yet.... Now that Hilary Clinton is skipping off to become the Secretary of the House or whatever (don't make me google that shit this early), New York State needs a senator and Fran thinks she's the bitch for the job!

At some event the other night, Fran told New York Magazine that she's qualified and I don't think she was telling jokes. Methinks she was serious. When asked why she should have the job, she said (read this in her Fran Fine voice, it's more entertaining that way), “I’ve just been given the appointment of U.S. diplomat! My title is public diplomacy and envoy for women’s health issues, and I just got back from a four-country European tour of duty. I believe next I’ll be sent to the Middle East. I’ve been very successful in getting a bill passed in Washington. I was thinking I’d take the next four years to lay some groundwork, but I’m throwing my hat in the ring. I’m an authentic and honest person!”

I will co-sign this as long as Fran Fine is Senator and not Fran Drescher. They must re-write The Nanny theme song to fit her new job as Senator. They need to play that shit whenever she makes a speech. And think of the outfits Fran Fine will wear. The outfits! Wait...she's really not joking, is she? She really wants to be Senator. C.C. Babcock save us!

Kanye West responded to Stephen Colbert's "Operation Humble Kanye" with the question above.

Asking the question "Who is Stephen Colbert?" is like asking "Who is Spaghetti Cat?" Everyone knows who Stephen Colbert is. Kanye is just scared. Scared that he will be dropped down by El Colbert!

Don't forget to help Stephen's mission to take down Kanye by using your ex-boyfriend's credit card number (you better have remembered to write down the security code too) to purchase Stephen's Christmas album on iTunes today at 5pmEST.

P.S. - Kanye's CAPS lock button must be broken....or on strike.

Source: Kanye's Twitter VIA Videogum

Kristen Stewart, the wooden doll in Twilight and Panic Room, will play Joan Jett in the biopic The Runaways. Kristen is perfectly capable to play a dead fish left by the side of the road in the summer sun, but she is no Joan Jett. The girl is not the one. Kristen is probably going to get nominated for a Razzie for this performance this year even though they haven't even shot it yet. I predict this shit will be painful.

The movie will be directed and written by music video director Floria Sigismondi . Joan Jett must have co-signed casting Kristen, because she is a producer on the movie. It will start filming sometime next year. They have to work around Kristen's shooting schedule for the Twilight sequels.

I can only imagine who is going to play the rest of those hot bitches: Taylor Momsen IS Cherie Currie (she already has the hair), Ashley Jizzdale IS Lita Ford, Taylor Swift IS Sandy West, Miley Cyrus IS Jackie Fox. Suri Cruise will shoot a cameo as Mikki Steele. You know this is going to be the cast.

Ivana Trump quit her fourth husband only 3 months ago and she's already got a new diaper-wearing boy toy to keep her turkey arms gobblin' at night. Ivana was in Paris last night with some 22-year-old model type who goes by the name of John-David Dery. Yes, he's 22 and she's fucking 59.

Ivana obviously loves the scent of baby powder on the nuts and John-David loves her money. And from the looks of him, he probably loves the scent of baby powder on the nuts too. The dude doesn't look like a vagina-only kind of boy.

This bitch is going to get her gold digging membership card revoked if she marries this one. Fuck it, ride it, suck it, eat it and then throw that shit away! She does not need any legal ties to that dick. His ass is going to do whatever it takes for her to say "I do." He'll even deal with her pissing on his dick during fucky times. Okay, let's talk about this for a quick second.

My horny aunt once told me that she couldn't hold her water during sex anymore. She actually said that she "wets on the penis" sometimes. I figured she meant she was just busting nuts, but she cleared it up for me, "No. I go #1." She actually said #1. We're talking about pissing during fucking and she tries to be all polite-like. Anyway, she said that in her old age, she has that problem now. I asked some other oldies about it and they said it never happens to them. So my aunt obviously just has a pissy pussy. For some reason when I saw these pictures of Ivana and her new piece, I thought of pissy pussy.

Here's Ivana, her plastic cat face and her toy at some restaurant in Paris last night.

If Mary-Kate Olsen is fucking pregnant, then I better go to the vet, because I might have immaculately conceived a litter of Spaghetti Cat's kittens. If that evil troll can get knocked up, anybody can.

Some obvious jokester told the National Enquirer (via PC) that MK is carrying the little troll child of boyfriend Nate Lowman. The joke-teller said, "Mary-Kate has been looking a lot rounder recently. It is good she has put on weight, because she previously suffered from anorexia, but a lot of people think she could actually be attempting to hide her pregnancy. She is really happy with Nate and is very excited they will soon be starting their family together"

She apparently weighs 102lbs now. Yes, 102. What a fucking lard ass, right? If she weighs 102, she's obviously pregnant with 4 baby elephants. Or maybe she drank too much of her own saliva? Either or.

I mean, I don't even think she has baby making parts down there! Trolls don't fuck! They get their kicks by rubbing squirrel bones together while chewing on wet bark. I refuse to believe this shit, until I see her posing with this on the cover of People Magazine.

I was in line at Best Buy yesterday waiting to pay for some dumb crap and I was browsing the new CDs they try to sell your ass before you get to the register. I noticed the new Guns N' Roses album, so I picked it up and said out loud, "I heard this was a piece of trash." The dude in front of me was holding the CD and gave me a look that made my toe nails fall off. It was a "I want to butt fuck you with a hot hammer" kind of look. I'm not fucking sorry that I hurt his feelings, because he had a long ass, curly ponytail with blonde highlights in it. I'm sorry, but you deserve to get your feelings hurt if you have one of those.

Anyway, that shit came out yesterday after 15-years in the making and China is not happy about it! One of the newspapers published by the Communist Party said the album is an attack on their nation. From what I've heard it's also an attack on ear drums. The article says that "unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn." The article also said that the record "turns its spear point on China."

Obviously, they want a free bottle of Dr. Pepper. That shit will make them happy. A bottle of Dr. Pepper with a little bottle of Everclear. That shit is good.

And if you haven't registered for your free coupon to get a 20 oz. bottle of Dr. Pepper yet, you can do so until 6pm today here. And yes, I still bought the album even though I slagged it off! Well, I wanted my free shit of Dr. P!