Girlfriend Please

In this week's InTouch, The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak goes SAN FARDS by pulling her wig back and removing 5 of the 12 layers of make-up on her face. Even when Kim is stripped down, she's still as natural as polyester.

Anyretardyfortheparty, Kim spoke to InTouch about her natural hair, plastic surgery and how Botox cured her migraines:

Kim on how she's changed over the years: "I have black hair naturally, but my mom's a hairdresser, so I've been blond gradually since 16, 17 and on. I was always a thick build. I had braces."

Kim on how she's made of mostly artificial materials: "I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Some cosmetic enhancement is obvious. A lot of times, the people who aren’t talking about it are the ones who look horrible. I do Botox. I’ve had my boobs done twice. I started getting Botox when I was 25 for migraines. I recommend that to anybody. And VelaShape. I don’t know if it shrinks you, but it keeps you tone and taut."

Kim on going under the knife again: "When I’m done having children, I’d be all for a tummy tuck. I would love a nose job, but I’m scared. I would do just about anything to maintain myself."

So, let's go over everything. Kim has already said that she wears a wig made out of Barbie's pubic hair because her hair was falling out due to a thyroid condition. Now she's saying that she uses Botox for her migraines. I've heard this before, but you know that's not why Kim is getting injected with the Kidman sauce.

I'm waiting for Kim to claim that she only has fake titties because she suffers from Tachycardia and her doctor said that breast implants will slow down her rapid-beating heart.

And did Kim hint that she isn't done having kids? HURRY! Get her daughter Brielle on the phone, and tell her to start lacing Kim's botox with birth control pills.

Nicole Kidman is on the cover of Britain's GQ magazine looking like a lizard alien who has come to earth and is disguising itself as a German transsexual working as a low-budget dominatrix. Yes, I watched V last night.

In the interview with GQ, Nicky (who probably goes to bed in her oxygen chamber at 9pm each night) wants us to believe that she's done some kinky nasty dirty filthy fetish stuff in the bedroom. Although, to be fair to her, putting Scientology-approved cream on Tommy Girl's ass warts each night does counts as "kinky nasty dirty filthy fetish stuff." Shit, even being married to that crazy little Scientologist those few years counts too. There's nothing stranger than that.

Nicky told the magazine, "I've explored obsession. I've explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I've explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I've explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy."

When asked about her faux marriage to Tommy Girl, Nicky said that she will never go into detail about it and even burned some of her diaries after she married Keith Urban, "I want to honor that marriage for what it was, and there is nothing I would go into about that. I have never discussed the intricacies of it and I never will. If you know what is going on inside somebody’s head all the time, that’s not a good place. You can’t read somebody’s diary. You shouldn’t read it. I burnt most of my journals after I remarried… You’re only going to find out bad things."

Bitch stop! The truth is that you can't talk about it or Suri will fly through the window to cut your tongue out! And don't make it sound like you burned those diaries on your own. The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard (aka Tommy's real doll) was probably holding a zap gun (found in any 99 Cent Store) to your frozen forehead as you threw your diaries into a chiminea.

VIA Daily Mail

Way before St. Angie was healing the world with her divine vagina and sucking the youth out of Brad Pitt, she had a "phone fling" with none other than Rosie O'Donnell. Once you've talked your genitals off of the ledge, read on......

On Howard Stern's show (via Popeater) the other day, Rosie O not only confirmed that she's no longer munching on Kelli Carpenter's carpet, but she also briefly talked about the phone time she spent with St. Angie. Rosie said, "We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through. I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way."

What a missed opportunity for all of us. To think, we could have had Rosielina instead of Brangelina. Which means instead of crazed Brangaloonies terrorizing our lives, we would be dodging flannel-wearing, saw dust-farting Rosielinaloonies. And honestly, I'd rather be bitched out by a big butchie with a flat top. It kind of gives me the tingles, actually.

And for those you saying that St. Angie would never lick on Rosie's ham muffin, might I remind you of an elderly turtle named Billy Bob Thornton?

Blohan's first collection as "artistic adviser" of Ungaro failed to impress fashions critics (and everyone else). Basically, don't be surprised if you see that shit collecting moth balls in the clearance section at Marshalls. Well, since she IS a Lohan after all, she has taken zero responsibility for the epic fail, and is blaming others.

In a short interview (thanks to the Adderrall she can't sit still for more than 25 seconds) with People, she blamed the shit bomb on “coming in so late and having not that much time to do a whole collection.”

And as for those Dlisted-approved nipple pasties, Blohan said she had nothing to do with those, “I wasn’t aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out. I am going back to Paris for the next collection….I am learning. It’s already in January. I thought it was in March."

That's funny, because I thought the only thing that came from the mind of a Lohan was those nipple pasties.

I'm sure Blohan found enough time to do three whole lines, so that whole "I came in late" excuse isn't going to fly. Bitch should ring up Michael Lohan and ask him to dig in his ass for another excuse. Or she should've just said that she pulled the entire collection out of her pant pocket. And yes, the pants don't belong to her. GIRL BYE!

Here's Blohan shopping her sorrows away in NYC yesterday.

The ex-boyfriend of Tracy Anderson, who used to be Vadge's personal trainer, is suing her for $1 million, because he claims she used her "female charms" to swindle his ass. Page Six says that Glynn Barber, an engineer and machinist, invested cash in Tracy's company, but never ever saw a return even though she was rolling in the money. Glynn was forced to file for bankruptcy. And not only is his checking account sad, but so is his manhood.

In the court papers, Glynn states, "She used her female charms to manipulate me to invest $1 million in her company. I was an easy target. She told me she was a Power Ranger. She told me she was in the musical 'Cats' for four years. She said her ex-husband, Eric, played for the Knicks . . . None of this turned out to be true. I made Madonna's fitness equipment for $13,000 and Tracy sold it to her for $26,000. She made a fortune from using Madonna's name."

Glynn also has a warning for Tracy's new man, "I wish there was some way to inform her new boyfriend that he is playing with 'The Cobra.' Tracy absolutely has some voodoo capability."

THE COBRA? FEMALE CHARMS!? That is the best. Glynn should be head writer on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

We're all friends here, so Glynn could've given it to us straight-up without the splash of soda water. Female Charms = Tracy fucked him until his toe nails fell off.

Tracy could make even more millions if she bottled her "female charms." I could use some of that to get the skeezy dude at my liquor store to give me the 10% discount he gives to chicks with vaginas.

And who in the hell would lie about being a Power Ranger? If you are indeed a Power Ranger, that's the kind of information you lock in a steel box and stash under a floor board in your bedroom. Being a power ranger is like having a hyperactive gag reflex. You never admit it.

Also, it seems that Tracy is a regular Lilly from The Grifters. Just read the comments on this post over at Gabsmash about how Tracy brings the lies to get the cash. They don't call her THE COBRA for nothing!

Ever since Peter Andre and Katie Price separated, he has taken a vow of celibacy. My guess is that Peter just wants to let his genitals heal after being exposed to toxic levels of fake tanning grease.

Peter says that he doesn't need his nalgas caressed by a gentle hand, because he has chocolate! Peter tells OK! Magazine (via The Sun), "I've replaced it, I've got my chocolate, which the fans keep on bringing me. I'm living on it!"

Does Peter really expect me to believe that a piece of raw sex like him isn't getting his rocks off one way or another? Yeah, I know what Peter's really doing with that chocolate. A little Rolo in his holo. Uh uh. Peter is bringing new meaning to the word "butterfinger." And if you're ever at Peter's house, DO NOT eat the Cadbury Creme Eggs. That is not the kind of creme you want to lick on.

MICHAEL JACKSON PRAISED HITLER!!!! No not at all, but that's what The Sun is kind of poking at with their story about how MJ once said Hitler was a "genius orator" during a taped conversation with his so-called friend Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Yes, a genius "orator." You know my mind is always vacationing in the gutter, but I'm not even going to give that one a side-eye. I wonder if he spit or swallow? I'M STOPPING.

In taped conversations between Rabbi Shmuley and MJ obtained by The Sun (aka Rabbi Shmuley sold it to them in the back alley at midnight), the King of Pop reportedly says, "Hitler was a genius orator. To make that many people turn and change and hate, he had to be a showman and he was."

When Rabbi Shmuley asked MJ if he thinks he could've changed Hitler, he responded, "Absolutely. I know I could." He insisted nobody was all evil, explaining: You have to help them, give them therapy, teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong."HEALING with a moonwalk! It works every time.

You know, Aubrey O'Day tried to say the same thing a while ago, but it came out sounding like this: queefburpfartqueefburpfart. And yes, I just used Aubrey's name and Michael Jackson's name in the same post. I should go back to bed.

And don't you worry, Detective La Toya is in Germany right now getting to the bottom OF THIS!

Lily Allen is packing up all her shit and moving far far away from the music industry, because she claims she's done making albums.

One of the reasons why Lily is quitting that bitch is because she's sick of hos stealing her music without paying for it. Lily even started a blog devoted to music piracy and wrote up a lengthy rant on the subject (the post has since been taken down). The problem is Lily pulled a "cut and paste" move by taking the post from the blog Techdirt without giving any credit. Yes, Lily pirated a blog post on pirating. Old Man Irony jizzed all over that one.

According to Lily, her contract is up and she's not about to negotiate. She reportedly wrote on her blog (that post was also taken down):

"Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. I do however remain a fan of new music, so this is not some selfish crusade.

The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I'm concerned, so I don't stand to profit from legislation. Except future purchases of previously recorded material."

Lily's rep tried to fix her rant of whines by saying she's not quitting music, but simply has no current plans to make a second record. Lily is apparently focusing on her acting career by starring in the West End theater production of Neil LaBute's Reasons to be Pretty.

Lily is one of those girls who has gotten everything she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted it. So when something doesn't go her way (example: getting caught stealing someone else's blog post), bitch throws a fit, punches her dolly, pulls at her hair and stomps off. So we should all just roll our eyes, let the toddler have her tantrum and then go back to polishing our dildos.

Here's a few pictures of Lily covering her face in shame, because she got caught at the airport wearing FUGGS.

Last month, Gawker posted 4-minutes of a "naked and high tape" starring Eric Dane, his wife the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA who might be a whore merchant. The tape barely showed any of McSteamy's McPeeny and it contained zero sex. Basically, we all submitted a request for a refund to Eric Dane for giving us all blue balls. Well, Eric and Rebecca have submitted their own documents in a Los Angeles County courtroom.

TMZ reports that they filed a $1 million lawsuit against Gawker for "maliciously distrubing" the tape. They also want Gawker to kill the video from their website.

Gawker's publisher Nick Denton had this to say about the lawsuit: "To quote the great Marty Singer -- Eric Dane's lawyer -- if you don't want a sex tape on the internet, 'don't make one!'"

You know, we should all file a class action lawsuit against Eric and Rebecca for "leaking" a sex tape without any damn sex in it! False advertising! Seriously, they could've licked a clit or flicked a peen. Instead, all they gave us was their nekkid asses hanging onto each other while giggling like sixth-graders who just got high for the first time. You could see the exact same thing in one of the Hogan's home movies.

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed