Girlfriend Please

Brenda Walsh better have something to say about this! Jennie Garth has officially joined the Beverly Hills 90210 remake as that ice bitch Kelly Taylor. Kelly will is a guidance counselor at West Beverly Hills High. The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that Jennie will not be a series regular. Thank God! I could never look at Kelly the same way again after what she did to Brenda!

Tori Spelling and Ian Ziering are also lobbying for parts. WTF! The only two bitches from the original show that should come back are Brenda and Nat from The Peach Pit. Seriously, they have to bring back Nat. Who the hell is going to help these twats with their problems while serving them shitty looking pie?

The remake also stars Lori Loughlin, Jessica Walter, AnnaLynne McCord, Dustin Milligan, Ryan Eggold and Shenae Grimes.

Below is a classic fight between Kelly and Dylan, because he doesn't listen to a thing she says. Um...Kelly....nobody does!

Mischa Barton is STILL talking about those pictures of her thighs looking like a yeast infection. She's screaming reverse photoshop! Yup, they used the oatmeal tool on her.

Mischa's pr bitch told Rush & Molloy, "Those photos are doctored. I'm not saying she's perfect, nobody is. But they've given a 22-year-old woman the legs and bottom of an 80-year-old. Look at the shots that were taken shortly before on a beach in L.A. Did she develop all that cellulite in a couple of weeks? There's a lot you can do with Photoshopping."

She thinks that the pap who took the pics, Jamie Fawcett, is trying to make her look bad, because she bitched him out for taking pictures of her bare saggy titties. Jamie responded, "I wouldn't seek to publicly embarrass her with nudity or health issues or body image issues. It is a shame that publications tend to highlight an issue that is not fair to a young girl. ... However, sometimes these are the things that sell pictures."

Please, Mischa loves this shit. She hasn't had this much publicity since....well ever! I'm sure the offers are just rolling in after those pictures hit. I wouldn't be surprised if her thighs are named the new mascot of Quaker Oats. Poor Quaker Oats Man will be out of a job.

ABC News has declared that bushy eyebrows are back! I don't think I ever got the telegram that they ever left. They claim Ashley Olsen's bushy caterpillars caused a "commotion" at the Costume Institute Gala. A commotion? Did Ash's bush brows cause Anna Wintour to choke on a buffalo wing or something?

That troll's brows ain't shit! Look at Lourdes! That's how you do bushy brows the right way. Ash needed to go home and try again.

Fuck this bushy brow "trend." We should stand together united against it. We should all take a Lady Bic to our eyebrows and draw on new one with a Sharpie. If you don't have a Sharpie, you can burn down a match for a few seconds and use that. You go first....

I mean, look at this bitch below. This kind of chola glamour will never go out of style. It's timeless.

Evan Rachel Wood tried Marilyn Manson's juice for her birthday and the bitch couldn't handle it. No, it's not what you think. She did a shot of his brand of absinthe called Mansinthe.

She said, “For my birthday, I did one shot to try it, and that was it. I was drunk immediately. Being who he is, Manson wanted to make it as strong as it could possibly be, so it’s got the highest amount of wormwood that you can have legally. One shot of it, and you’re out for the night. Three shots of it, you’re dead.” Aww...she should have done three shots then. Sorry, that was the Dita Von Teese in me talking.

The Dish Rag reports that Mansinthe may soon be available in the US. When that crap came out, one reviewer said it tasted like "sewage water." I'm sure that's what Marilyn's other juice tastes like too.

Barbara Walters has a book out and in it she covers the lie she had to tell every day on the set of "The View." Everyone knows Star Jones took a wet vac to her fat, but Star claimed for the longest time that she lost the weight from "portion control and pilates."

Babs told Oprah yesterday that Star was so obese that she could barely walk on to the set. I once heard a funny rumor that Star's fat ass couldn't make it to the set without resting, so they placed a chair between her dressing room and the set. HA! I would have moved the chair one day and put a giant pizza in its place.

Babs said, “She decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody. Then we had to lie on the set everyday because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

Babs also talked about Rosie O'Donnell's "emotional issues." She said that Rosie felt she was abandoned by her, because she didn't back her up in Rosie's girl fight with Donald Trump. Babs also said Rosie was used to being in control, "She had always driven the bus and she could not just ride the bus." The short bus!

Unfortunately, Babs didn't give us any juicy gossip on Hasselcrack! I just know that fake bitch is a kinky swinger who's into sploshing.

I really wish I was related by blood to Paula Abdul. Then I would have inherited her natural drunk gene. Paula doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or pop pills and yet she always looks like she's just done a dozen body shots off of a fat frat boy. For example, take the picture above. That's exactly the face I make while staring in awe at McDonald's menu after ten too many coffeetinis. Scientists really need to find a way to extract her natural drunk gene and inject it into me.

Here's Paula at a Lupus event in Los Angeles last night. I also threw in some Dakota Fanning, because it would be illegal not to.

No, it wasn't his mother or auntie. Hell, it probably wasn't even his first cousin. Some family member of Nick Cannon told E! News that he's in fact married to Mariah Carey.

Linda Cannon said, "Yes, we know. He called us and told us all about it," she said. "We are happy for him. If that is what he wants, then we are happy for him. I'm not going to give you any details, but we are happy for him." She's not going to give any details, because she doesn't know any! Bitch please! She got her "confirmation" from the internet like everyone else did.

She's probably his cousin's half-sister's son's cousin or something. I'm probably related to Nick Cannon in some way, so I'm going to confirm the wedding. Mimi looked lovely and they are were so happy together. I say "were happy," because Mimi mistook Nick for the wedding cake and she ate him. But the moments they did have together were special.

A source also said, "Everyone is happy to see her happy. And it could work out - some people know each other for five years and get divorced. Maybe this is true, instant love."

In related Mimi news, BUY HER ALBUM!

Usher is disgusted that anyone would ever think he would sell pictures of his precious baby, Usher. Yes, he named his baby Usher too. He said the rumors that he's trying to "pimp" out his baby are untrue and hurtful.

He told Page Six, "In no way would I ever pimp out my child for money. I am livid that people talk about my child." JLo is so offended by that comment. She doesn't pimp out her children! She's merely sharing the stunning beauty of her spawn with the world.....for millions of dollars.

Don't worry though. Usher posed with his baby Usher for the cover of Essence's Father's Day issue.

Usher also defended his husband wife, Tameka Foster, against the rumors that she doesn't get along with....just about everyone! He said, "I stand by her as a man loving my wife and being there for my child . . . Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one. What I will say is, this is my wife and I would hope that [people] would respect my wife and my marriage and who I have chosen to spend my life with."

The woman you've chosen to spend your life with is a dude and a cunt! Wait, is that not respectful? Oh well.

Yeah, this isn't shocking. I lied to you. Anyway.......

Angelina Jolie wasn't always a world saving, orphan adopting saint. She does have a past and The National Enquirer claims the past might come back to haunt her. A videotape from the 90s of Angie Jo allegedly doing heroin is up for sale! Shit. Can't a bitch do heroin in peace? Does there always have to be a camera involved? I'm waiting for the day celebrity "taking a shit" videos start making the rounds.

The Enquirer reports that the tape's owner wants $70,000. A source said the tape is from the 90s around the time of "Gia." The source went on to say, "The key part of the tape is Angelina doing heroin. She says, 'Wow, this is really good smack - not that cheap crap that's been stepped on.' Angelina is seen sniffing white lines from a plate, and then as the drug cooks on tinfoil, she deeply sucks in its smoke through a tube."

Angie Jo has been open about her drug use in the past. She's admitted in interviews to doing coke, heroin, blah....blah... Now she gets high on saving the world. Barf and boring.

Back to the celebrity shitting thing. I think a video of Angie taking a dump would be more shocking than a video of her smoking heroin in the 90s. I mean Saint Angie doesn't shit. I refuse to believe it.

Source

Thanks Reanna

So Phoebe Price is the woman behind the possible break-up of Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff Ice! I knew it! No man can resist the charms of her chicken cutlets!

Mario was photographed leaving a restaurant in Los Angeles with PP. Here are the pictures. Can't you feel the fire between them? Okay, she totally butted into his shot, but she will not be ignored! Mario cannot deny their love anymore.

When asked by OK! Magazine if he was dating "socialite" Phoebe Price, Mario answered, "I don’t even know who that is. I heard that, and I was like, ‘Who is that?’” Mario needs to stop playing coy. His face has definitely been in PP's copper wire bush.

Here's the First Lady of Roberton Blvd. and the soon-to-be Mrs. Mario Lopez with her dog Henry yesterday. PP better send me an invitation to her wedding.