This is what happens when Pimp Mama Kris lets every photo agency know what time Kim Kartashian is landing, what airport she's landing at and what airline and flight she's on. After Kanye West ditched her ass in Paris, Kim and PMK flew back to LAX and were met by a mob of paparazzi who they totally called. You know PMK knows every single photo agency's tip line by heart, but if you asked her for Rob Kartashian's number, she'd probably look at you with "WHO?" written all over her plastic face.
As Kim waddled on through the tsunami of flashes, Pimp Mama Kris screamed shit like, "She can't see," while smiling her fame whore smile for all the cameras. Nothing tickles the heaves out of my throat like PMK cheesing it up for the cameras. At one point, one of the paps opens up the SUV door and Kim screams, "Shut the fucking door, idiots!" That probably confused the paps, because they're thinking to themselves, "Well, you're the one who called us!" That's like the host of a dance party yelling at you and kicking you out for dancing.
Like this ho doesn't know that her fame whore stock will plummet into the ground if the paps stop taking her picture. Kim is only acting like she's mad at the paps, because if she acts like she's mad at the paps, maybe Kanye will look at her face again. I bet that right after she screamed at that paps, she texted them with: JK LUV U C U SOON xoxo.
And here's Kim putting her tortured swollen hooves through more pain while leaving a restaurant in L.A. last night.
In case you aren't caught up on the feud of the century, Kendall Jenner, the 17-year-old fame-whore-in-training who Pimp Mama Kris is grooming to be her next highest-earning kash kow, let out a poor little rich girl whine on Twitter the other day when she complained about how hard life is sometimes. I didn't think anything of it really, because if I had to look at Bruce Jenner's face every day and my pimp mom was trying hard to drop the legal porn age from 17 to 18 so she can put me in a "leaked" sex tape, I would probably tweet the same thing. But Kurt and Courtney's kid wasn't have any of it and Frances Bean Cobain let a trick have it. I love it when the most popular girl in school and the most emo-est girl in school go at it.
Was Frances Bean totally overreacting? Yes. Did I laugh at her tweets? Yes.
Kendall Jenner didn't respond to FB right away, probably because she was too busy asking everyone in the Kartrashian lair what the word "famine" means and they were all trying to find out the answer until they eventually gave up and went to buy crotchless thongs at Agent Provocateur instead. Kendall eventually responded to FB. She must've deleted her response, because I couldn't find it on Twitter, but Radar says she wrote this to FB:
“i am aware that i am very privileged and blessed, and im thankful for that everyday, i know there are greater problems in the world. i pray for those people every night and give back as much as i can. so who are u to judge me?”
Yeah, Frances Bean, so why don't you just stop judging Kendall Jenner. Because every night, Kendall Jenner prays that those less fortunate than her get themselves a stupid piece of trash sister who will turn her sex tape partner's piss stream into a multi-million dollar fame whore empire. Then they'll too get to drive around in a Range Rover at the age of 17. So how dare you judge her, Frances Bean. GAWD!
Here's PMK and the walking blueprint for Kendall Jenner's future arriving at LAX yesterday.
Goopy Paltrow is still crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala and she'll keep crapping at the mouth about the Met Gala until it's time for next year's Met Gala, so she can crap at the mouth about it some more. We already know that Goopy would rather blow crack smoke up into the Mayor of Toronto's ass than go to the Met Gala again, because she told everyone not once, but twice. But she didn't say how much she hated the Met Gala in this week's Goop.
Goopy talks about getting ready for the Met Gala and instead of writing, "I should've just worn a Hefty bag so I would've fit in with all the other trash there," she sort of gushed about all the fashion. Goopy said before that everyone at the Met Gala was a little "too old to dress punk," but in this week's Goop she was farting out a different tune:
The Met Ball, at NYC's Metropolitan Museum of Art, is always the year's most elaborate display of incredible fashion and this year was no different. The theme was 'Punk: Chaos to Couture' and when the house of Valentino's Pierpaolo Piccioli and Maria Grazia Chiuri asked me to join them, I was thrilled to see what they would create with my right fashion hand, Elizabeth Saltzman.
We got all inspired in the goop office about punk making a comeback through subtle influence and thus, we asked one of my absolute favorite websites, the most excellently curated SSENSE, to show us how we could work it into our spring/summer wardrobes.
In the parlor at the House of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour temporarily stopped sucking the youth out of a 12-year-old model's mouth, picked up the phone, dialed the number to one of her minions and said, "You can tell every designer to un-blacklist that Goopy bitch now. Actually, wait a couple of days. My nips are getting hard just thinking about her getting kicked out Bergdorf's. Blehehehehee."
Hide yo pussies! Hide yo daughters! Hide yo heterosexuality! Because the sugar-covered seahorse of Alabama, Antoine Dodson, claims that he's snatching up the gayness out of his being and wants a wife who will birth out his children. Judah has called him! I guess this is what happens when Sweet Brown is getting all the shine on the stroll. You gotta declare your newfound love for cooch to get hos talking about you again.
Antoine, who is gayer than a Care Bear butt full of rainbows, tweeted a few Facebook posts where he announced that he's rebuking his natural gayness and says that he doesn't need a Mercedes to make him happy (translation: his leased Benz got a visit by the repo man). Uh huh, bitch, uh huh....
I have to renounce myself, I'm no longer into homosexuality I want a wife and family, I want to multiply and raise and love my family that I create. I could care less about the fame and fortune, I've giving all that up to know the true history of the bible. For I am the True Chosen Hebrew Israelite descendant of Judah. And as True Israel I know that there are certain things we just can't do. And I totally understand that now. I don't need a Mercedes Benz, I don't need a big house in Beverly Hills all I need is the Most High and my family (Israel). I have been awaken by the great and so should you. Let's be delivered from the wickedness of the world and live the way we should. The Most High bless all and have a beautiful evening. Israel wake up and take full power of who you are. I'm ready are you?
I'm Antoine wait, I am KEVIN ANTOINE DODSON, and I just want what's best for all and this is the way for me, hate me if you must, bash me if you must, I won't break, do what you will, for this is my calling.
In the beautiful words of Shemiyah, I am so in love with the truth, I will expose a lie even if I have to expose you. Family friends celebrities whoever. If anything you say or do and can't back it up with scripture, you are a liar and the truth is not in you. Rise of the true chosen.
Don't run and tell that just yet, because I'm still not sure if this shit is a hoax or a joke. If it isn't, it does make me kind of sad, because if Antoine Dodson puts away his rainbow-colored weave, is there any reason for my b-hole to pucker? Is there any reason for my nipple slits to spit out hummingbird juice? Well, the good news is that in a couple of months when he gets caught tapping his feet for dick in a public bathroom, he'll spit out some new catchphrases to the local news.
And if Sweet Brown renounces her love for a cold pop on Facebook, we know that a hacker is at a work or the world is truly ending.
Right after her second baby came out of her body, Jessica Alba wanted her stomach to be as flat as her acting skills again, so she wrapped two girdles around her body and suffocated her stomach night and day for three months straight. MiserAlba was extra MiserAlba. Yes, her internal organs are shaped like crepes now and she had to scrape the girdle butter off her torso every night, but at least she's got a flat stomach again! MiserAlba told Net-a-Porter:
“It was brutal; it’s not for everyone. I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”
A double corset night and day? Does that mean ho even wore that rib crusher when she was doing fuck times with her man? Trying to get off while your organs are getting crushed and you're trying to breathe does not sound like a good time. Just thinking about that crap makes me want to rub my gut while eating a Popeye's drumstick dipped in mashed potatoes and gravy. Bitch is crazy. But really, we all know that the only thing she had wrapped around her stomach were bandages after getting a tummy tuck lipo special.
Here's Jessica in the Caribbean a few weeks ago.
When Buzzfeed posted the best (read: the most jacked up) pictures of the Queen of the United States, Beyonce, at the Super Bowl, her publicist kindly told them to please remove the worst ones or Blue Ivy Carter would ask her biological father, God, to strike them down with the fury of a thousand lightning rods. They posted her publicist's email instead and the whole thing turned into a meme that killed me, buried me and then brought me back to life. Because Beyonce has the humor of wig dandruff and doesn't have the ability to laugh at her perfect self, she's making sure that there will never be the second coming of the Ugly Beyonce meme.
Fstoppers (via Jezebel) says that Beyonce has banned all professional photographers from her Mrs. Carter Show world tour. The tour has its own photographer and after every show, Beyonce's publicist will send 3-5 pre-approved pictures to the media. But the plan is backfiring and magazines and photo agencies are buying low-res, janky pictures from the fans at the show. Fstoppers puts it like this:
Beyoncé’s publicist, the same one who emailed and asked websites to remove images she didn’t like few months back, decided that this time they wouldn’t allow photographers to shoot her shows. Instead, they would provide 3-5 pre-approved images their own photographer shot for the media to use after each show. They wanted to control what images the media had access to. But we all know how media works – they will do anything possible to get images that other publications don’t have. If they can’t send a photographer to give them original photos, the next best thing they can do is buy photos from fans in the front rows in the arena (cameras were not allowed, but no one can take away phones). It’s the next best thing for them, and a huge nightmare for Beyoncé and her publicist.
Either Beyonce's publicist want to the flood the internet of pictures of her looking like a confused He-Man or they just don't know what they're doing. Because whenever you tell a ho not to do something, they're going to do it hard. It's like when one my friends posts a picture on Facebook of me looking like I have fifteen chins, Andy Cohen wonk eyes and flared nostrils (aka my end of the night drunk face), and I ask them to take it down, they do the opposite. They post that shit all over my wall, print out a thousand copies of it and paste it on street lights all over my neighborhood. That's what's going to happen to Beyonce and I can't wait, because I love pictures of her looking like a bodybuilding bull dog trying to lay an egg through its butt while smelling some dirty dick. Bring on the fug Beyonce pictures!
And here's Beyonce at her show in Amsterdam last night. The people taking pictures of her in the front row haven't been heard from since last night. If you put your ear up to the sky in the dead of night, you can almost hear their cries coming from the basement.
Reese Witherspoon (or Laura Jeanne Poon as I'll forever know her as), seen above with her hungover husband Jim Toth at a screening for Mud in NYC last night, is really sorry that she was a drunk, uppity, holier-than-thou twat when her husband got busted for DUI and she got busted for disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend. As Sandra Bullock ripped the "America's Sweetheart" sash from Reese's body, Reese tried to put the bitch back in the bag by releasing this damage control statement to People:
"Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.
It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I'm very sorry for my behavior."
I wonder what "scary situation" Laura Jeanne Poon is talking about? Is she talking about how her evil possum-faced husband turned their rented Ford Focus into a death machine by drunkenly weaving across a double line? No, probably not. Or is she talking about how a question mark covered the police officer's face when she asked him, "Do you know my name?" Yeah, that's totally the scary situation Reese is talking about since nothing is scarier for a self-entitled celebrity than a peon not knowing who they are.
And now Reese knows that nothing good comes out of using the "Do you know who I am?!" line. Sometimes it'll get you locked up and nothing will ruin your buzz like sitting under fluorescent lighting in a police station.
Here's more of Reese at the screening for Mud which also brought out Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and Sarah Paulson. No, the Texas T-Rex does not have to apologize for wearing one of the Mad Hatter's old suits, because that shit is the look.
Billy Ray Cyrus didn't write about Miley Cyrus' relationship with Liam Hemsworth in his new book Hillybilly Heart (that really is the name), because why give precious page space in his straight-to-the-clearance-shelf-at-Piggly-Wiggly memories to something that is going to end any second now? But Billy did tells Access Hollywood Live (via DS) about how Liam came to him and asked for his meal ticket's hand in marriage. Usually when an outsider asks for a hillbilly's daughter's hand, that hillbilly father will only allow it if it the outsider wins a naked wrestling match in a mud pit against a hog after downing two XXX jugs. Billy let Liam skip that challenge, but he did ask for something else.
"He didn't have to, but he did. He's got a really sweet side to him and he came in. They had the big rock. They [were] all bashful about it and then said, 'Hey, look at this'. And Miley was showing that ring and Liam kind of [said] a little something to me - it was kind of the professional question and I jokingly [said], 'Can I be in your brother's next movie?' And then I said, 'No, I'm joking'."
Here's Billy Ray working the hell out of his Mrs. Brady season 2 hairstyle while leaving GMA yesterday.
Don't mess with The Camel or he'll spit at you in a track. Jay-Z released a new song called "Open Letter" where he tries to drag his haters for bitching about his trip to Cuba and bitching about him selling his one-fifteenth of 1% share of the Nets. Jay-Z also calls himself the "Bob Dylan of rap" and raps about how Obama told him to chill. If the planet is feeling a little extra suffocating today, it's because Jay-Z's ego just got 500 tons bigger.
Miss Info says that Jay-Z thought it was gross that CNN was spending more time covering his trip to Cuba than North Korea attacking our asses (uh huh, you know he massaged his balls while watching all that coverage of his trip) so he recorded a response song late last night. In "Open Letter," Jay-Z whine raps about how a couple of politicians want to punish him and Beyonce for going to Cuba.
I done turned Havana to Atlanta
Boy from the hood but got White House clearance
Sorry y'all, I don't agree with y'all appearance
Politicians never did shit for me
Except lie to me, distort history
Wanna give me jail time and a fine
Fine, let me commit a real crime
I'm in Cuba, I love Cubans
This communist talk is so confusing
When it's from China, the very mic that I'm using
Idiot wind, the Bob Dylan of rap music
You're an idiot baby, you should become a student
Oh, you gonna learn today
Since Jay-Z had the mic in front of him, he kept going and continued to stroke his own dick when rapping about selling his share in the Nets.
Hear the freedom in my speech
Got an onion from Universal, read it and weep
Would've brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free
Except I made millions off it, you fuckin' dweeb
I still own the building, I'm still keeping my seat
Y'all buy that bullshit, you'd better keep your receipt
And finally, Jay-Z rapped about Obama's response to the Cuba shit:
Obama said chill, you gonna get me impeached
But you don't need this shit anyway
Chill with me on the beach
So there you go. Jay-Z is the king of the world, Obama made him a friendship bracelet, nobody can touch him and blah blah queef blah blah... We know, we know. While all of us roll our eyes to the right and to the left, Jay-Z's other best friend forever Goopy Paltrow is probably silently weeping into the morning cup of decaffeinated air she drinks every day, because not one of those lyrics is about her. What about Goop?!
Here's a picture that Demi Lovato tweeted after meeting Goopy Paltrow at a lounge in LAX last night and I'm sure that sometime during their conversation, Goopy said to her, "I am so jealous of your homely, mousy, undetectable poop-colored hair. You get to have so much more fun than me!" Because Goopy Paltrow told the UK's Stylist Magazine (via Yahoo via Celebitchy) that the saying "blondes have more fun" must've come from a book of lies and fairytales. Goop says that brown-headed girls have way more fun, because nobody cares about them and everybody is too busy staring at stunning angels with golden hair.
"I don't understand the whole idea of blondes having more fun. I'd say brunettes have more fun as they can go under the radar a little bit more. People are just waiting for blondes to get drunk and fall down, because we're so visible."
I love how she tried to humble down that quote by saying "get drunk and fall down." You know she really wanted to say "People are just waiting for blondes to sprout wings and explode into rays of sunshine since we're angelic goddess of light and are way better and prettier than caca-haired homelies." I think that's what she really meant to say. I always love a classic backhanded comment from Goopy. It reminds me of when I was in this chick's clothing store in Manhattan with my sister and one skinny ho said to her rubenesque friend, "You're so lucky you can wear plus-sizes. My size always sells out first!" That bitch was totally a disciple of GOOP!
Here's Goopy and Demi walking through JFK yesterday. UsWeekly says that they're wearing matching outfits, but please. Goopy's custom-made jacket cost 9,000 euros (you know, because she bought it in Europe) and her denim trousers (only the poors call them "jeans") were made using cotton from an exclusive cotton farm in Tibet. Demi is basically wearing the budget version of Goop's look. Get it right, UsWeekly!