Girlfriend Please

Lip and eyelid abuser Kristen Stewart has Michelle Trachtenberg to thank for having everything a ho could ever want including millions of dollars shoved into her chain wallet and a loving boyfriend who she is contractually obligated to lick on until the last Twilight movies comes out on DVD. Michelle bragged to UsWeekly that the director of the first Twilight movie, Catherine Hardwicke, handed her the role of Bella Swan, but she was much too busy doing I don't even know what and so she dropped it into Kristen's Styrofoam donation cup. Oh, and Michelle also turned down a role in Thirteen. That Michelle Trachtenberg, bitch is so busy turning down roles that she obviously doesn't have time to ever accept a role.

Michelle made the right choice. Why do a piece of shit movie series that would've made her beyond rich when she can do a piece of shit movie where she gets to inhale the aromatic Maybelline syrup that seeps out of Zac Efron's pores (see: 17 Again)? Michelle is the real winner here. This is what Michelle had to say about her part in the making of Mouth Breather Stewart:

"There was definitely interest here and there because there's only so few pale girls in Hollywood," she explained.

"I've known [director] Catherine Hardwicke since the movie Thirteen," she said. "I was actually supposed to star in that, but I was on Buffy at the time." (Hardwicke, who went on to directed the very first Twilight film in 2009, directed the saga's star Nikki Reed in the 2003 drama and Evan Rachel Wood played the film's primary character. Reed cowrote the gritty screenplay.)

So why did Reed, Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene end up as Breaking Dawn's leading ladies instead of Trachtenberg? "I guess schedules never worked out," she explained.

"I already have Buffy," she added. "I've already done the vampire thing."

I always love it when actors are like, "I could've had that bitch!" But you didn't, ho, and now you have to work with Blake Lively! Truthfully, Michelle would've never worked out. Bella is as bland as the paper she was created on, so Kristen Stewart is a perfect choice.

And here's Michelle awkwardly trying to get away from a dude who is my first choice for the role of Edward when Twilight gets remade in two years.

AssStain Kutcher is barebacking his way through the cream of Iowa's whore crop, but Demi Moore is the one who's winning the rebound game by getting glitter bombed every single night. What you're looking at is not only what you get when you morph Donny Osmond, Eric McMormick and Sal from Mad Men together. This is also the gaydar-breaking beauty who is leaving a thin layer of juicy fruit nectar on Demi's lips when he blows her an air kiss after each date.

Radar is trying to say that Demi has been dating beauty mogul (FYI: beauty moguls don't only exist in soap operas and late-80s movies) Scott-Vincent Borba for about a week now. So when Demi tells her friends that Scott gave her a hot facial last night, she really means that he scrubbed her dead skin off with honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt. (Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Scott-Vincent cums honeycomb bits and lavendar-scented sea salt.) Radar's source had this to say about Demi's new "romance":

“Demi and Scott-Vincent started dating last week. They have known each other a long time and he’s really been there for her by her side through the whole Ashton thing. It’s easy for Scott-Vincent to keep his relationships a secret because he’s so often photographed hanging out with celebrity clientele. But he’s head over heels for Demi and there’s definitely potential for a lasting relationship between them.”

Getting with an immaculately groomed gaydonis whose sugar walls are sweeter than theirs didn't work for Star Jones and Liza Minnelli, but that doesn't mean it can't work for Demi. I've always believed that somewhere over the rainbow, a cougar's true soulmate awaits.

I, for one, am dripping with jealousy. Scott-Vincent's eyebrows are so exquisitely beautiful that it's a shame they don't wiggle around like a tongue, because it would be nice to get some reciprocation when you make out with them. Not only that, but Demi gets to slip into a warm dream fantasy after Scott-Vincent serenades her with this at bedtime:

In case you haven't already figured it out, that tingly sensation you're feeling down below is just your b-hole winking at this video.

Eyes darting for the nearest exit, hos swallowing a yawn and a gallery of looks straight out of Faces Of Meh could only mean one thing: Jennifer Love Hewitt is trying to bring the sex again. JLove took a break from acting an episode of The Bachelorette with her stuffed animal collection to put on a titties and pits show at the Breaking Dawn premiere in L.A. last night. It went over as well a fart during ass eating. It went over as well as that joke.

I mean, I can appreciate that this heffa hiked her bronzed chichis up to the high heavens and I've always been a fan of the "airing out my weave pits" pose, but does she realize where she is? Twihards care about tits as much as they care about having some dignity! They are already desperate enough. They don't need any of the servings of desperation JLove is throwing at them with her come hither poses. This is just another sad case of not knowing your audience. Bitch should've at least thrown some Edward Cullen decals on her overheated pits.

Page Six reports that at the after-party for the Victoria's Secret fashion show the other night, Leonardo DiCatchAHo strolled in with a gift registry scanner in hand, ready to scan the barcodes on all the models he wants for Christmas. But one source says that 37-year-old Leo (Happy Birfday, Leo!) put down his scanner when his eyes landed on 19-year-old model Karlie Kloss. Leo mostly stayed at his table with Gay Fish, Lukas Haas and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but his gaze stayed fixed on Karlie's barely legal ass. The George Clooney-ing of Leo has officially begun.

The source said that Leo kept trolling around the party for models before settling into the "boys' table" to stare at Karlie, “He couldn’t take his eyes off her....but it wasn’t clear whether he made a move."

Leo would never make a move at a party. Leo is a born romantic, a total gentlemen and completely traditional. If Leo wants a date with Karlie, he'll order her through the Victoria's Secret catalog and make sure to get a receipt just in case he has to return her for talking too much (that's option "d" on the return order form).

Leo is seriously a beige windbreaker and a moustache away from being that creeper who trolls college campuses looking for young girls he can go up to and say, "Has anybody told you that you can be a model?" One of those creepers types pulled that on my friend once and gave her a flyer for a totally fake modeling agency. This broke ass flyer didn't have a telephone number on it, but it did have an e-mail address that read something like: assman67@hotmail.com. What kind of sexual predator really thinks that a girl is going to fall for an e-mail address like that? No serious modeling agency would ever use Hotmail.

Meanwhile, a source says that Jakey Gyllenhaal was at the same party and spent 30 minutes talking to Brazilian model Izabel Goulart. Yes, talking. That's what we're calling "a beard fitting" these days.

Sasha Grey, recently retired porn star and now mainstream actress, lit a flame under the clenched anuses of some parents when she read a book to their children at Emerson Elementary School in Compton, CA earlier this month. Sasha works with the charity Read Across America and Emerson invited her into one of their first grade classes. TMZ seems to think that the school only knew her from Entourage and had no idea she used to get cocked in the culo for a living. Some parents know of Sasha's claim to fame and their angry complaints jumped into the Principal's ears via the PTA. But wait!

A rep for the school district straight-up went "Harpo, Who Dis Woman?" on a ho by telling TMZ that Sasha was never in one of their classrooms even though she Tweeted about it that day. The rep said this:

"We have several celebrities who read to our students each year. The actress you have indicated [Sasha] was not present."

Obviously, Sasha was in one of their classrooms (see the picture above) and obviously, she didn't read the chirruns a few pages from Horton Humps A Whore or Harold and the Purple Pussy while wiping dried cum (from an earlier porn orgy) off of her forehead. The childrens' innocence is still preserved and I'm sure they're fine. But I do love how the school is pretending they never met the bitch. The husbands of the complaining moms probably pulled the same trick when they were asked if they know of Sasha. It's not easy to shake your head "no" while making a mental note to clear your browser's cache.

And you know, it could've been a lot worse. They could've asked Kim Kardashian to read to the first graders instead. That whore is a porn star AND she can't even read. The innocence of a dozen first graders would crack when one of them would have to speak for the entire class by shouting at her, "Sound out the words, you dumb bitch!"

Kelly Osbourne's break-up from Luke Worrall, the Children of the Damned refugee who fell into an episode of SKINS, was about as pleasant as chewing on an aluminum foil dick (exhibit: A), and it seems like the crusty, juicy scabs on her hurt feelings are far from being healed. (Side whisper: Am I the only sick bitch who kept a scab meat collection in a Snapple bottle as a child? Don't answer that.)

Kelly bit off the head of her engagement and spit it into the trash when she found out that Luke was passing his peen to model Elle Schneider, who is in the process of turning her peen into a poon. Kelly tells the UK's Glamour Magazine (via The Sun) that Luke cheating on her with a fugster from the fug garden would've been easier to deal with than Luke cheating on her with a transsexual. That bronzer bruise on Kelly's face that Amanda Lepore just made by throwing her a high-powered icy glare isn't going to rub off. Kelly should just give it a name and learn to love it, because it's there to stay. Don't fuck with Mandy.

This is the mess that came out of Kelly's mouth:

"Having to tell my parents my ex-fiancé Luke had cheated on me with a tranny was so humiliating. Everyone kept telling me that Luke was cheating on me, but I never believed them. It's hard enough to get your head around someone cheating on you... but when when someone is a chick with a dick? I'd always thought the worst way to get cheated on would be with an ugly girl."

Bitch needs to wrap that "chick with a dick" shit in puff pastry and feed it to Xtina. Then Kelly needs to get mouth-reassignment surgery. No, but seriously, coming from someone whose ex-boyfriends have cheated on him with all kinds of trick, it hurts all the same, pretty much. If a bitch cheats on you with a bald walking fupa whose got moles on its teeth and eyebrows over its upper lip, it hurts. If a bitch cheats on you with a supermodel goddess whose got an asshole that tastes like candy apple and a 9-inch deep belly button that doubles as an extra fuck hole, it hurts. It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.

The truth is, the only time I didn't feel so bad about a ho cheating on me was when the piece he was down low dicking on the side was a woman. It didn't feel better because she had a vagine. It felt better and I understood because her name was Crystal. My name is Michael. Her name is Crystal. What name would you rather call out while riding on a melodic orgasm? Exactly.

If hos think Beyonce is wearing a pillow baby then they must think that Jessica Simpson is wearing a California King mattress baby, because she looks like she's carrying a fetus that is about the size of that baby sitting on the table. (Sidenote: Your suspicions are correct. That's fear bleeding through that baby's eyes and he's hoping Jessica Simpson doesn't smell the banana baby food on his breath. She'll mistake him for a bananas fosters dumpling and swallow him whole. It's happened before.) But Papa Joe seems to think in his Christian pimp head of his that the news EVERYONE already knows is worth some cheese (not that kind of cheese, Jessica, put your ladle away) and he wants the tabloids to drop it in his lap. Page Six put it like this:

Sources told Page Six that Simpson, with the help of her father/manager, Joe Simpson, refused to say she is expecting until she had a deal in place. The the singer/fashion designer and mentor on NBC’s “Fashion Star” had been shopping a deal to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos. We’re told the Simpsons were asking up to $500,000 to close the deal.

And Jessica has been hiding an obvious bump in recent photos to keep showbiz’s worst kept secret. Last night OK! posted the cover story, “Yes, I’m Having A Baby.”

Papa Joe needs to slap himself straight to church if he thinks Jessica's stupid pregnancy announcement is worth half a million dollars. That heffalump heffa's obvious news isn't even worth 500 Chuck E. Cheese tokens (which can be traded in for a pizza slice). During her Newlyweds days, she might have gotten $500 and a box of titty cream for Nick, but not today. Bitch is a glorified cobbler who can't even cobble!

"See, dropping my seed in another trick's pussy made our love bloom even more. You're welcome." is a line that sleazed its way out of David Boringanus' mouth and into his wife's ear, because he believes that cheating with noted whore Rachel Cuchitel made his marriage stronger. David tells TV Week that bonding his peen lips to the inside of Rachel's pot luck poon also bonded his heart to his wife's heart. Tiger Woods must be working part-time as a marriage counselor, because that is pretty much the only explanation for this shit:

"[Admitting my affair was] a bonding experience, in the long run. In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive. There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you. Do I believe in giving up? No, I don't. I'm a fighter. I'm a lover."

If you've (read in the voice of the Orbitz Lady) got a dirty cooch, I'm not here to judge you, but I am here to tell you to clean it out by scooting your parts along that statement, because it's that doucheified. David's wife of almost ten years Jaime Bergman, a former Playboy Playmate he met at the Playboy Mansion, forgave David and I'm happy for her that hours of marriage counseling with Tiger Woods taught her nostrils how to ignore the scent of random snatch milk on her husband's peen, but I have an Alicia Bridges to sell her (that's the saying, right?) if she really believes that "demon" shit. BITCH, I know your dick has been to the depths of hell (by way of Rachel's pussy), but that doesn't mean you can call it a demon!

This dumb ass bag of douche sleaze, I swear. The next time Jamie walks in on David side screwing another piece, he's totally going to jump up and point to the painted devil horns on his dick head before shouting, "It isn't me! It's the demon! Oh, and that other naked ho in the corner got ordained on the Internet to be an exorcist and she's just here to suck the evil out of me!"

That sound of an iceberg breaking off and falling into the ocean you hear is actually Nicole Kidman trying to raise a brow over what Kate Winslet said to The Telegraph recently. 35-year-old Kate says that she, Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson have formed of group of superhero actresses who are dropping kicking the plastic surgeon's scalpel and shooting bullets through silicone titty sacks, because turning their bodies into a frozen tundra of zero emotion is against their "morals." Kate Winslet's alleged original nose hummed out the melody to "Don't You Forget About Me" while she, Rachel and Emma said this:

“I will never give in,” vows Winslet. “It goes against my morals, the way that my parents brought me up and what I consider to be natural beauty.”

Winslet, who is the daughter of “jobbing actors” from Berkshire, adds: “I am an actress, I don’t want to freeze the expression of my face.”

Her comments echo those by Thompson, to whom she has been close since they appeared together in Sense and Sensibility in 1995. “I’m not fiddling about with myself,” said Thompson, 52. “We’re in this awful youth-driven thing now where everybody needs to look 30 at 60.”

Weisz, 41, for her part, has said her natural beauty is an asset. “People who look too perfect don’t look sexy or particularly beautiful,” said the Oscar-winning star of The Constant Gardener, who married Daniel Craig this year.

Okay...and? You can close your open palm, Kate, because nobody's going to get a step ladder to climb up to your high horse and give you a gold star.

Really, what's this "morals" crap? Stretching your face until you're barely recognizable doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a bad person to look at sometimes. If a Meg Ryan type wants to transform her face into Howard the Duck as seen through eyes of Picasso, who am I to judge? Yes, I'll make fun of her until my fingers go sore just like I'm making fun of Kate for standing at the altar of self-righteousness as the choir sings out "thiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiitch."

It's really not that serious. If you want to fuck with your face, fuck with your face. If you don't want to fuck with your face, don't fuck with your face. If you want to type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences, then type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences.

Seen here Photoshopped into another dimension where the Jennifer Lopez we know looks more like a praying mantis alien vacuum sealed into a Kim Kardashian skin bag, JLo gave Vanity Fair the first interview since her marriage to Skeletor was slaughtered and fed to Panthor. While wearing a coat made from the scalped heads of the albino virgins Skeletor sacrificed and fed to his 11" wrist dick, JLo didn't totally get into the rumors that she left the Puerto Rican Ren because she couldn't take his controlling ways anymore.

JLo only said that she loves herself enough (pendeja should've stopped right there) to walk away and that she's constantly searching for love. The last part convinced Vera Wang to take out that mortgage on a $5 million beach house she's been wonk eyeing, because JLo's going to touch a new wedding ring more than than I touched the snooze button this morning (SPOILER ALERT: 8). Here's a few carefully worded quotes that fell out of JLo's mouth hole:

On how she really tried to make her marriage work: “That was my biggest dream, and I really worked hard at it. We both did. Sometimes it doesn’t work—and that’s sad. But I remain an eternal optimist about love. I believe in love. It’s still my biggest dream. I am positive—determined to move forward with my life, bring up my babies, and do the best job I can as a mother, entertainer, and person. I now look forward to new challenges. I feel strong.”

On how Skeletor treated her like shit: "I’m a hopeless romantic and passionate person when it comes to love. It’s not that I didn’t love myself before. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself—if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself enough to walk away from that now.”

On how everything was about Skeletor and the Dragon Tales Twins: "Like I said, we had the first three years of our marriage just for us. I wasn't working, it was mainly about him. Then we got pregnant. Then it became about the kids. And then I started working again."

On how she's so kind of heart that she's actually going to let Skeletor stay in the Dragon Tales Twins' lives: “I will always respect Marc as a singer and performer. We actually work great together, and he was always very supportive. Together we could make magic—and we did. He will always be in our lives. He will always hold a special place in my heart as the father of my children.”

On some bullshit that I can't even...: "I think I'm a really great performer. I think I'm a really great actress. I feel confident in those things—that's a better way to say it. I'm not as gifted a vocalist as some of the girls that are out there, but I know I communicate."

What I'm getting from this is that dozens of People magazine covers with JLo and husband #4, #5, #6, #7, #8 and #9 are in our future. What I'm also getting from this is that JLo can spare us this torture by marrying the one thing that loves her the most: HER MIRROR! Seriously, she loves her mirror and her mirror loves her. When JLo hears love songs, she thinks of her mirror and her mirror thinks of her. Besides, I'm pretty sure a mirror won't let out a fart after it swallows a laugh (it has to go somewhere) when JLo looks deep into it and talks about what a great actress she is. JLo & her mirror = the love story of our time!