Girlfriend Please

Eddie Murphy has never seen his 11-month-old daughter by Scary Spice. He isn't planning on seeing her anytime soon either. According to The National Enquirer, Eddie claims Scary told him she was on the pill and that she tricked him into getting her knocked up. A source said, "What was supposed to be a casual relationship ended with her having his baby and taking him to court for millions." Yes, because she also forced him to not wear a condom and bust a nutty professor inside her. She also wants his millions, because all the millions she already has is not enough. That makes a lot of sense.

Eddie's lawyer claims he paid Scary $15,000 a month while she was pregnant and even covered her medical expenses. They are still fighting over child support. Scary reportedly wants a $9 million house and living expenses for the next 18 years. Damn, I guess she does want more millions. Go on then!

Eddie plans to see his daughter, Angel Iris Murphy Brown, when she's older. "He says he will have to wait until Angel is older before he can get to know her without any interference from her mother."

That's a good idea. That way Murphy Brown will be old enough to tell him to fuck off!

Radar Magazine announced yesterday that robodouche, Spencer Pratt, will write an advice column for them called "Yo Spencer!" The column will debut in the magazine's April issue. Radar's editor told the AP, "Spencer is never afraid to speak his mind. When asking for advice, it's good to have someone who will be brutally honest with you, and tell it like it is."

Oh hells no. There can only be one Z-list celebrity advice column and that's Khia's for Hood Magazine. Is Spencer going to come up with genius phrases like "something in the milk ain't clean" and "panty pudding." I fucking doubt it.

I want to help Spencer out for his debut column, so I'm going to submit this letter:

Dear Spencie,

Yours Truly,
Michael K

I've always known in my heart of hearts that Ginger Spice's sumptuous angel voice does miracles, but now there's proof. 14-year-old Jessica Knight was left in a coma after she was stabbed and suffered a stroke. The young girl was clinging to life when Geri Halliwell made a visit to her hospital bed. Geri wanted to heal Jessica the only way she knew how.....with her voice.

A source said, "Geri sang a couple of lines of one of their songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs. It was amazing. We were all in fits of giggles because we were so relieved and it was just so funny seeing her legs move to Geri's singing. The next day, she opened her eyes for the first time. You just don't expect to be sitting in the hospital and for Geri Halliwell to walk in. She gave me a big hug and said that Jessica's story had really touched her."

The young Jessica doesn't remember Geri visiting her at all. Yeah, I tend to block every memory I have of the Spice Girls too. Well, except Spice World The Movie. That was the shit right there.

Doctors didn't want to break the news to Geri that the real reason Jessica moved her arms and legs was because Geri's hideous voice almost sent the girl into another seizure.

Jessica is doing well and is going home soon. All thanks to Geri!

Source

Thanks Robert

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback told Playboy Magazine that he learned how to suck his own dick after someone dared him to for a case of beer.

Chad said, "I put my own dick in my mouth. I was 14 and much more flexible at the time. It was soft and required a lot of pulling. I really wanted that case of beer."

We've all sucked a little dick for a case of beer before. Chad, do us all a favor and keep your dick in your mouth. It will save us all from having to hear your shitty music.

Source

Look at Gay Al trying to be all macho and shit. Girlfriend please. You don't need to show me how your boyfriends fist your power bottom ass. I really don't need to know and it doesn't go with my morning Sanka.

So....The National Enquirer (via MSNBC) reports that the fairy (being Gay Al) tale marriage of Star Jones and Gay Al is over. And they said it wouldn't last. Well, they were right! Gay Al has already moved out of their apartment and is living in Miami where he can freely prance around his speedo.

A source said, “They hadn’t been seeing eye to eye for months and had already spent a great deal of time apart. Finally, Star decided it was over. She told Al at the end of January that he had 30 days to get his act together or ‘get out.’”

Star never liked the fact that she was the breadwinner and support in the relationship, “I think Star felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting. She resented it. Deep down, Star is a very old-fashioned woman who believes a man should support her emotionally, physically and financially. She now believes Al failed her.”

Of course she did all the heavy lifting. Gay Al didn't want to ruin his manicure. If Star wanted all those things she probably should have married a man that didn't like men. Just a thought.

Expect the denials any minute now. Gay Al will say, "Girrrrrrrrrllll, they are lying! Queens are just jelly! Mama Star and Queen Al are doing fiinnnee. We are fierce and we know it. Haters to the left....to the left!!"

Thanks Lauren

19-year-old Julianne Hough from "Dancing with the Has-Beens" is a virgin and proud of it. In the new issue of CosmoGirl Julianne talks about how she's saving her cherry for her future husband.

She said, "I think [the choice] to have sex before marriage is an individual one, but if you're just with one person, it's only for one good reason, and [waiting to have sex] will strengthen that relationship. I'm not trying to preach consequences here, but I think when you say no, down the line it will be a better decision." She's Mormon, so it's understandable.

However, how the fuck are you going to marry a dude without knowing how the dick is? Bad dick could ruin a marriage! I'm not even joking. I have to see the dick before we even go out on a date. Shit, before we even speak! Why the hell should I waste my time? And those people that say "marriage isn't about sex" are lying. A relationship without boning is called a friendship. Imagine if Julianne married a dude with a crooked and blotchy dick. That's cause for divorce. Save yourself the paperwork and get freaky before you sign your life away.

Julianne went on to talk about how her daddy keeps her in line. Is her daddy's name Papa Joe? She said, "My dad, whom I'm very close with, will text me, 'Are you doing the right things, in the right place, at the right time? And it's usually when I'm someplace I shouldn't be. So I'll call him and say, 'Thanks, I needed to hear that.'"

I bet you he also asks her what she's wearing. Just saying!

VIA People

Sheryl Crow (see below) isn't the only dumb bitch using someone else's name to get a little attention. Angelina Jolie's brother is once again talking about her ass to the press. James Haven spoke out about Angelina not attending a pre-Oscar party that Jennifer Aniston was supposed to be at. He said that Angie most likely canceled her appearance out of respect for Jen. The laughs! He should join the Queens of Comedy.

James told Grazia Magazine, "Angie is an incredibly strong but also incredibly sensitive woman, and she would always be careful when another woman's feelings are concerned. She'd go out of her way to make sure there was no situation that would hurt another woman because of her, and I'm talking about a situation like one of Brad's ex partners or his ex-wife."

I'm so sure. Angelina does give a fuck about Jen's feelings. She probably didn't attend, because she wanted to give Jen a nervous breakdown from the anticipation. That or Angie couldn't secure the rights to the song she wanted to play during their dance-off. I'm assuming it's the latter.

James needs to shut the hell up, because he's totally lie telling. I don't trust anyone with child toucher eyes.

VIA PageSix.com

Nicole Richie is not embracing her new big chichis. Nicole bitched and moaned to OK! Magazine that she doesn't like having big boobs, because she thinks it's slutty. She said, "I am bustier now and I really don't like it. It doesn't really fit with my wardrobe, it's not who I am. I am not someone who is used to wearing a bra or having to wear a bra. I really don't like it."

"I like wearing vintage hippy see-through shirts that aren't slutty on me because there is nothing to look at. Now I have boobs so I can't really wear it because it sends out a different message."

Nicole, it will go away. Embrace them and love them while you can. Big chichis only do good things in this world. She needs to stop crying about it. Besides having big chichis does not mean you're a slut. Look at Nicole's BFF Paris Hilton. That skeezer is flat like a board and she still looks like she enjoys giving blumpkins to strangers. In case you don't know, a blumpkin is when you blow a dude while he's taking a hot dump. I know, such lovely evening conversation.

Speaking of hot dumps. Here's Paris Hilton and her new soulmate Benji Madden out in Los Angeles the other day. These two tools are even wearing each other's initials on matching necklaces. A hot dump indeed!

I really wasn't "anticipating" this motion picture until I saw the trailer. Now I fucking can't wait. Here's the trailer for the "Anna Nicole" movie starring Willa Ford. When this movie goes straight to Starz (which it will) make sure you watch it at 3am after a night of drunken debauchery with a bag of cheese popcorn. This movie was made for 3am viewing.

VIA ONTD

I'm skipping lunch today and going Mario Cuomo hunting instead! This dumb whore co-hosts "Good Morning America" and this morning he said, "Harry has been over in Afghanistan fighting because he's expendable." Robin Roberts responded with, "What did you say" Robin! You should have slapped that dumb fuck.

Chris went on to say, "The reason that Harry is allowed to be in Afghanistan is because he's not the heir to the throne. William's not allowed to be there."

If anybody is expendable it's Chris Cuomo. Bring Charlie Gibson back and send this bitch back to wherever he came from. Again, Chris needs to learn how to stand there, look pretty and only read the words that have been given to him. No ad-libbing allowed!

VIA Newsbuster