Girlfriend Please

The Black Eyed Peas have a new album coming out soon which means it's time for Fuggie Fug to start barfing up a bunch of shit nobody wants to hear about. Fuggie tells The Sun that in their new video, she engages in a little pussay-on-pussay action and it's something she's done off camera before as well. Fuggie said, “Put it this way, I’ve experimented definitely, but I have never had a steady girlfriend.”

Why do these raggedy celebwhores always think shit like this is shocking? Big deal. So Fuggie let another chick tongue tickle her meth 'gina. SO WHAT. I mean, we've all gotten a little lesbionic at one time or another. I've got dick on the tongue all day and all night, but even I have pet the wet cat. It was junior high school and it was the 90s. That's what you did back then!

It made sense when MTV made a documentary on Our Lady of Cheetos. Yeah, it was propaganda, but it was still pretty entertaining. I mean, Velveeta grits? Need I say more? MTV's newest documentary follows a wet piece of dog caca laying out in the hot sun. For some reason, they felt like the world wanted to know more about the half-melted dildo known as Parasite Hilton. I'd rather watch a documentary on cornstarch. Shit, I'd rather watch a documentary on the day-to-day life of her herp warts. That shit would be more riveting.

This summer MTV is airing a documentary called Paris, Not France. And I'm sure the whole thing fails on an epic scale just like the title. It's shot in black and white, so that means it's all serious-like and deep! And she mostly uses her bit dude voice instead of her whory baby voice, so that means we should take her seriously now.

In trailer above, the dumb whore does nothing but whine about how the world sees her as "as Barbie with a perfect life, a fantasy...whatever." The difference is we actually respect Barbie. Bitch can fly planes and shit, but Parasite can't even suck a dick right!

And here's a vomit-covered gem I leave you with: “That's not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It's not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.”

Lord of the Douchebags, John Mayer, left a club in Los Angeles last night with his t-shirt and face covered in lipstick kisses. John joked that he really scored. Yeah, I wouldn't consider going into the bathroom, putting lipstick on your mouth and then kissing your t-shirt all over as "scoring." And because John didn't bring enough dick-baggery to the streets of L.A., he broke out his Jacko moves.

Bitch looked more like Bubbles after having too much Jesus Juice. John really shouldn't have done that, because bitch was upstaged by some ho drunk ass ho in grey! John knew she was taking his sunshine, because he didn't even acknowledge her triflin' ass. The night belonged to HER! Skip to the 0:38 mark in the video below to witness her shameless fuckery:

Jennifer Aniston is kind of insane. And she's really "polar bear diving crazy" when it comes to her hair. A couple of months ago, there was a rumor that Jenny made FOX pay almost $80,000 to fly her hairslave, Chris McMillan, to Europe where she was promoting that dead dog movie. Well, when it came time to shoot Management, Maddox's greatest rival wanted to go for a homelier look (all together now...HA!), but didn't want to touch her precious locks. So Jenny got Chris to customize a wig. The total price came to (read this in a Kanye CAPS-LOCK scream) $10,000!!!11!!1!!!!!!!!!! For fucking real! Someone got tricked! The kitchen ass wig laying at the bottom of my closet from ten Halloweens ago (I was Mimi from the Heartbreaker video. DON'T ASK) looks better than that!

The hairstylist on the film told People, “She wanted to look very different, but didn’t want to cut or dye her hair. The color was very complimentary on her. She’s got wonderful warm skin. With that blond hair, she’s very known as Jennifer Aniston and I think sometimes that takes away from watching the story."

Yeah, um, that bitch still looks like Rachel from Friends. Even if they put a $10,000 wig on her chin, she'd still look like Jennifer Aniston. WIG FAIL.

Wonky McValtrex's neighbors are not happy with her. And not because her crotch crustaceans keep digging up their gardens. No, they aren't pleased, because of all the noise that skankwhorecunt is making. Early this morning, Wonky's neighbors called the cops, because Wonky and her latest piece, Dough Reinhardt, were fighting so loud that their screeches could be heard from the street. Maybe they weren't fighting. Doug probably makes that sound whenever he sticks it into her toxic waste dump without a Hazmat-made condom on.

When the cops arrived at her house, nobody would open the front gates for them, so they had to hop the fence. They talked to Wonky and after they left, the loud arguing stopped.

TMZ says that Wonky wasn't fighting with Doug. The screams came from her own slut mouth after she received a call that Tinkerbell had been run over and killed on Mullholland Drive. Wonky started screaming like Danny Gokey with a lighter up his ass. The call turned out to be a prank.

Beat me with a string of wet anal beads, because this is such lies. Like that dumb whore cares about her dogs! If Wonky found out one of her dogs died, she wouldn't be crying. She would just go out and buy a new one. Besides, I haven't seen Tinky in eons. I'm sure Tinkerbell already staged her death a long ass time ago and she's airing our her herp warts (a souvenir from Wonky) on the beaches of France right now.

The mystery surrounding Kate Gosselin's hair has been revealed. Sort of. No, it wasn't revealed on the season finale of Lost last night (although, I think it made a cameo). Kate told Entertainment Weekly all about it.

When asked about sophisticated reverse-mullet, Kate said, "It's my attitude! Everybody wants it. It's work. I have very, very thick hair, so it's not going to work for everybody. I've seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it's just won't work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country."

Um. Little does Kate know that they are actually calling and begging for her hair stylist to chop off his (or her?) own fingers, so this fuggetry can end! Actually, that wouldn't really stop Kate, because her hair stylist could still cut her hair with his feet and it would end up looking the same. And who is this "everybody" Kate is talking about? If by "everybody" she means every piece of roadkill, then I stand corrected!

And if you want Kate's hair, it's not hard to get! Just pour pig's blood over your head, wander out into the middle of the forest and wait. It won't take long before a pack of wild coyotes start attacking your head. After a few minutes, fight them off and you'll walk out of the forest looking just like a Gosselin!

First of all, that is Paula Abdul with her mother. Her mother is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, right? The Grey Gardens teefs, the eyebrows that are reaching for Jesus and the face that only Dixie Carter's plastic surgeon could love...... Totally beautiful! I see where Paula gets her crazy. Speaking of...

A few days ago, an interview Paula gave to Ladies Home Journal started making the rounds, because she told them that she was addicted to painkillers for a few years and even had to go into rehab for it. They quoted Paula and now she's saying they made everything up! Paula issued this statement to E!:

"I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life. I have never been drunk. I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center.

I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility."

She was soaring through a cloud of Vicodin dust during that interview. That's why she doesn't remember.

Paula also needs to quit that "I've never been drunk" noise. Why is it so awful being called a pill-popping drunk?! Some of the history's greatest people were junkies who were a slave to the bottle. Paula shouldn't be ashamed. She should just pop a doll and let them embrace her. Because if she hasn't been drunk or addicted to the good shit, then she's basically saying that she's 100% naturally IN-FUCKING-SANE. Oh, wait. Maybe she is telling the truth after all. Carry on!

Image: Wireimage

I know you barely slept one wink last night, because you had the worries in a bad way after hearing that Daisy de la Whora might have overdosed. You can breathe easy (you better turn your head and breath, because you might catch something from this pic) now, because the skanky Muppet didn't overdose! Daisy was just tired. Yes, tired. Tired of what exactly? Tired of being a low-down dirty slutwhoreskanktrickho? Taking your mouth from a dirty dick to a dirty bong to a dirty booze bottle all day isn't tiring. I should know.

Daisy's rep/dealer/pimp cleared up (wish I could say the same about those warts on her coozie) the rumors to E!, "Daisy was taken to the ER early this morning suffering from delirium as a result of exhaustion. here was no overdose. She is fine this evening and resting comfortably."

Can you believe she played the "exhaustion" card? She doesn't have the right. Chyna's mutant peen-clit is more famous than Daisy!

Bitch is delirious because the collagen in her lips seeped into her brains.

Why does HoHan hate Marilyn Monroe so much? If HoHan loved Marilyn unconditionally, she would quit dragging her beautiful image through the gutter by posing as her over and over again. We all know what happend the last time. It wasn't pretty.

I mean, Marilyn Monroe's body TODAY probably looks better than this trick. When you're trying to look like Marilyn Monroe, but only end up looking like Pamela Anderson after getting gang banged by a dozen sumo wrestlers, it's time to hang up your wig and give it up.

Here's more of HoHan working the hardest she has all month at a photo shoot for Spanish Vogue.

The aliens are going to Melbourne! Hide your barley and cover your asses! Stepford Katie is going to be in Australia this summer to do that acting thing she dabbles in every now and again. How cute. I'm sure Tommy Girl will tag along so he can sample the local peen. He truly is an aficionado of the world of peen.

Anyway, Katie will star in some shit called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark for director Guillermo del Toro. Guillermo directed Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, so he has a lot of experience when it comes to working with creepy creatures. Stepford Katie is in good hands.

This mess is based on a TV movie from 1973 about a girl who moves in with her father and girlfriend and finds out they are sharing the house with dark-sided creatures from Hell.

Wait. Are we sure this shit isn't a documentary?

VIA Coming Soon Image: MeetTheFamous/Wenn.com