Girlfriend Please

Last year, the Marine Corps Ball in North Carolina got a visit from Mila Kunis, and this year they ended up with the ho stroll's ambassador Kim Kardashian. How did they go from Mila Kunis to Kim Kardashian? That means next year their celebrity guest will be the nasty ho from Flavor of Love #2 who shat on the floor.  Actually, that would be an upgrade from Kim Kardashian.

Sgt. Martin Gardner invited Kim to the Marine Corps Ball a few months ago and since she can't say no to balls (and free photo-ops), she accepted his invitation. Kim wanted it to be known that she was in the middle of shooting the CDC's documentary Contagion: Kim And Kourtney Infect Miami, but she moved her schedule around so she'd be able to fly to North Carolina. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or craugh at the fact that one of the most useless Americans was pretty much the star guest at a ball honoring some of the most important Americans. These Marines almost died just so they could eat Chicken a la King next to Ray-J's former urinal cake.

And it's all fun, games and under-the-table hand jobs until all of the Marines are diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from suffering through a Kardashian publicity stunt.

Lindsay Lohan's new publicist dumped Barbara Walters for Jay Leno, because she didn't want to answer any questions about her personal life (insert jackoffasoftdickwhilerollingyoureyes.gif here). But we all know that the real reason Lindsay Lohan went with Jay Leno instead of Barbara is because he can smash a coke rock into neat, even lines just by flinching his chin at it. It makes even the most jaded cokehead squirt.

LiLo blows off everything (cut to every dealer in the L.A. area raising his hand while saying, "I can co-sign that!") so Barbara shouldn't have been surprised that she got the shaft, but she is. On The View yesterday morning, Barbara nearly whined the lisp out of her voice while saying that LiLo's new rep didn't give her any explanation for why the interview was canceled. LiLo's people just told the producers of 20/20 that she wasn't up to it. But ten seconds after canceling on Barbara, LiLo booked an interview with Jay Leno and Barbara thinks she went with him because he won't bring up any of her fuck-ups, and he can do that chin trick for her in the green room.

The second part of LiLo's interview with Barbara was canceled, but the first part was shot back in June on the set of Liz & Dick. Yesterday, Barbara showed a short clip from the first part of their interview and it's awkward. It's like watching a conversation between a drunk grandma and another drunk grandma who is trying hard to look sober. It's like Whatever Happened to Baby June? on ludes. Barbara brings up the little "lazy bitch overslept" story and LiLo brushes it away and mumbles about being a survivor. Bitch sounds like a survivor. She sounds like she's survived through tonsil cancer, decades of gargling with broken glass and centuries of inhaling a nicotine smoke storm daily.

And here's the new trailer for her other soon-to-be award winning masterpiece The Canyons. If you're going to watch it, then you can go ahead and scratch "anal Kegel exercises" off your to do list, because your butt will cringe during the entire trailer.

via ONTD

CNN anchor Don Lemon called out Jonah Hill on Twitter yesterday for being a self-important, rude douche of the highest order and Don came off as a self-important, rude douche of the highest order while doing so. Don tweeted that he was waiting in the lobby of his hotel when he recognized Jonah Hill. When Don said hi to him, he says Jonah acted like a diva and brushed him off. Jonah responded to Don and that's when they started yanking at each other's weaves. Oh, if the Internet is high school, then Twitter is the furthest quad from the principal's office where you can always watch two catty bitches going at it. This is how Don and Jonah's cat fight went down:

Because this is obviously a CNN-worthy BREAKING news story, Don went into it even more on Soledad O'Brien's show this morning. Don said that he was already having a bad day, because he missed his flight due to the cab driver asking for his autograph (yes, he just HAD to throw that in) and when he finally got his hotel, his bad day got even worse after the dude from 21 Jump Street threw him shade. Don said that Jonah treated him like he was THE HELP and gave him a half-assed, wet handshake. Don said, "Normally it doesn’t bother me, but I was done ... because I’d been taught by mother to always be kind to people."

In this cat fight, I'm not holding either one of their purses. Don needs to get over it and taking it to Twitter is the true definition of petty. Don is on CNN, doesn't he have more important shit to report about? ("Not really." - CNN) Besides, why would he want to shake Jonah Hill's hand after that ho just finished taking a piss. Jonah Hill looks like the type who doesn't wash the piss off his hands afterward. And Jonah Hill is just ugh. They both lost this one.

With that being said, I kind of wish they'll kiss, make-up and get married. Because if they did get married, their hyphenated last name will be Lemon-Hill and Lemon Hill sounds like a delicious and refreshing summer time beverage from the makers of Strawberry Hill.

via TMZ & ONTD

Just a day after Hurricane Sandy took lives, drowned the subway and ate almost all of the electricity in Manhattan, Brazilian actress-model-reality-star-fame-whore-thing Nana Gouvêa took to the streets with her husband to document all of the devastation the only way she knew how: by posing on top of it. The pictures were spread everywhere, Nana became a meme and Phoebe Price's successor was found!

But in an interview with Vice, Nana says it wasn't a photo shoot, she's not a model and she wasn't posing. All of this started when the Brazilian magazine Ego (that's too perfect) called her in NYC and interviewed her about Super Storm Sandy. The interviewer from Ego then asked Nana if she could go out and take a few pictures for the story. So Nana and her husband went out to take some super serious National Geographic-like pictures for Ego. Nana says she was not posing, that's just how she naturally moves. We shouldn't blame her for the fact that her gorgeous looks are more devastating than the devastation that was around her. We shouldn't blame her for the fact that her beauty and grace upstaged the chaos.

Vice's interview with Nana is more ridiculously hilarious than her not-at-all posed pictures and I didn't think that was possible. Nana makes everything seem possible now. Here's a big piece of the interview and click over to Vice to get it all:

VICE: Hi Nana. I just wanted to talk to you a bit about the modeling shoot you did after Hurricane Sandy. Nana Gouvêa: No, it's not a modeling shoot. It was never a modelling shoot—I just took some snapshots with my husband because I was interviewed by someone in Brazil and they wanted photos. It was not a modeling shoot.

Oh, OK. What was the interview about?
The hurricane, of course. The Brazilian magazine Ego called me to interview me about the hurricane and, at the end, they asked me if I could take some pictures to send to them as imagery for the article. I'm not a model, though. I want to make that clear.

What do you do?
I'm an actress. That's my one profession. Period. I'm not a model. I was in Playboy once, but all the most beautiful and famous actresses do Playboy—that doesn't mean we're models.

Surely that means you've been a paid model, though? Even if it was only for a couple of hours, or whatever.
No, I don’t agree with you.

Fair enough. Your poses are quite model-y. They look good.
That's just how I am. There’s no posing. I'm like that every single day of my life. I was being the most natural, yet serious, as I possibly could be. You don't see me smiling or making jokes, do you? I was serious.

So the photos were intended to reflect how serious the disaster was?
Yes. I wasn't showing my legs, I wasn't showing my arms or my breasts. Was I wearing a sexy outfit? No. I didn’t have make-up on and my hair wasn't done up, or anything. It was just normal, not a photo-shoot. What a ridiculous idea.

In one photo, have you actually climbed into the tree?
Yes, I was trying to show the devastation.

Right. Have you had any bad reactions over the photos since they came out?
Yeah, because you guys in the media are saying it was a photo-shoot. This simply isn't true and I'm very, very offended. So many people were taking pictures of the devastation, so why do people say that I was trying to get some kind of advantage out of this?

No idea.
It's because you put the sex appeal on me. That’s down to you. It's the media who think I’m sexy, so they're putting that on me.

Do you think the main problem is just that you’re sexier than all the ugly people who've been in other photos?
Unfortunately, yes. People look at me and they see a beautiful woman. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, either. It's very bad and so unfair. I really hope that people stop having these preconceptions of me. Just because I'm beautiful and have loads of sex appeal, it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It's not my fault that you see the pictures and you think I'm beautiful or sexy.

See! It's not Nana's fault that when she stands on a fallen tree she looks like something out of the pages of Vogue. When Nana leans up against a destroyed car, it's not her fault that she looks like the star of Barbizon's picture of the year. You have blood running through your veins, but Nana has potent sexiness running through hers. She didn't ask to be born beautiful, extremely photogenic and naturally alluring. How dare all of you! You can make this better by texting FUNANA to the Red Cross and your donation will go toward helping the plight of the sexy people.

I swear, Nana is delusional, self-absorbed and shameless. She's already one of us. Welcome to America, Nana! The Kardashians should adopt her.

BONUS: Here's Nana talking about this serious situation while looking devastatingly gorgeous and sexy.

Six seconds after this picture was taken, Cameron Diaz drunkenly slurred into Robert Pattinson's ear, "So are you going to Pattzin' up my bubbly by dipping your sparkle rod in my flute or what?"

UsWeekly says that DiGiorno-faced Cameron Diaz tried to get into Robert Pattinson's panties at LACMA's Art + Film Gala in L.A. on October 27th. RPattz, seen below at Jimmy Kimmel Live last night,  is apparently back with Kristen Stewart, but that didn't stop horny ass Cammy from trying to get a chance to viciously hump the unicorns out of his hair. Some source says that Cameron went hard, "She was pretty obvious. Cam was seated next to Rob at dinner. She was touching his arm, doing her big Cameron laugh at everything he said and trying really hard. He was polite, but not having it."

Cameron, you simple ho, that's not how you make the sparkles on RPattz's peen twinkle something extra. If you want to lure RPattz in, you have to sulk in the corner and when you're not chewing on the plastic leaves on the fake ficus tree next to you, you should mumble about how you hate life and everything in it. Whenever somebody tries to talk to you, hiss at them with your eyes and then blankly stare off into the distance like a slow dyslexic sloth trying to sing the alphabet backwards. RPattz will slowly start looking your own way and then cinch the deal by letting a married director hump your butt. BOOM. Before you know it, you'll be pulling fiber optic pubes out of your mouth while giving RPattz a beej in the men's bathroom.

Or Cameron can get RPattz by topping the deal he has with Kristen Stewart during the next FCB (Fake Celebrity Boyfriend) Draft.

Joaquin Phoenix is getting Oscar buzz (slap me with a dry carrot the next time I type "Oscar buzz") for his performance as a young Suri Cruise in The Master, but he let everyone know that he's not playing the Oscar game, because it leaves a gross taste of carrot caca in his mouth. During a talk with film critic Elvis Mitchell for Interview (via HuffPo), Elvis brought up the Oscar talk and it made Joaquin get on the floor and heave out pieces of rotten carrot bits. Joaquin was nominated for Walk the Line and he says the entire experience made him want to knee the Oscar trophy in its b-hole. Joaquin and Elvis' Oscar talk went like this:

MITCHELL: So what are you going to do when they put you on the awards circuit for The Master? 

PHOENIX: You're out of your mind, dude. You're out of touch with what has happened. 

MITCHELL: I think we've established that you're the one who's out of his mind. [Phoenix laughs] You don't think that's going to happen?

PHOENIX: I'm just saying that I think it's bullshit. I think it's total, utter bullshit, and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't believe in it. It's a carrot, but it's the worst-tasting carrot I've ever tasted in my whole life. I don't want this carrot. It's totally subjective. Pitting people against each other . . . It's the stupidest thing in the whole world. It was one of the most uncomfortable periods of my life when Walk the Line was going through all the awards stuff and all that. I never want to have that experience again. I don't know how to explain it—and it's not like I'm in this place where I think I'm just above it—but I just don't ever want to get comfortable with that part of things.

I know how Joaquin feels, because watching I'm Still Here was like going through the most uncomfortable period ever. But that Oscar crap is not that serious! GOOPY Paltrow, Crash, Helen Hunt and Al Pacino (for Scent of the GD Woman) all won Oscars, so it's obviously just one, big long joke. Joaquin doesn't have to get all melodramatic about it. More like JoaQUEEN Phoenix. Joaquin really hates the Oscars, because it's the only time he's forced to take a shower and wash his pits. That's the real reason.

And speaking of worst-taking carrots, Joaquin needs to stop acting like he wouldn't stick his tongue out if somebody dangled this worst-tasting carrot in front of him:

Yes, Joaquin, you DO want this Carrot.

Because Lindsay Lohan's rep faked their death, changed their name and moved to a small village in Pakistan to get away from her crazy ass, she had to call Harvey Levin at TMZ herself to keep her dedication to delusion alive by mouth barfing up a bunch of shit out of a bull's messy ass. LiLo says that her 4am fight with her mom was just a regular mother and daughter fight. You know, because you totally fight in the back of a limo with your mom after doing body shots off of the same shirtless dude at the cluuuuuuub. It's kind of like how my mom and I fight about my eating habits in her Volkswagen after driving back from lunch at fucking Coco's. Just like that.

LiLo said that she had no idea Michael Lohan was recording her and she also didn't mean it when she said that White Oprah was coked up. No, of course, White Oprah wasn't coked up. Bitch was just high from snorting crushed Adderall, Xanax, Vicodin, Ecstasy and from vag-chugging Red Bull in the bathroom. That's all. Oh, and Blohan also said that Michael Lohan is dead to her, probably because he refused to give her a cut of the money he made from selling that tape to TMZ. Don't you hate it when fathers do that? I'll let TMZ tell you the rest:

Lindsay Lohan deeply regrets her blowout argument with her mother Dina Lohan -- telling TMZ, what she said on the audio recording was NOT true ... her mother was NOT on cocaine during the fight.

Lindsay called in to "TMZ Live" moments ago -- telling us, "I told my dad a really hurtful and untruthful lie about my mom. She was not on cocaine."

Lindsay says her father Michael Lohan betrayed her trust by releasing a recording of her desperate phone call to the media.

Lindsay tells us, turning to her father in a moment of desperation was a massive mistake and she is now "done" with him forever -- adding, Michael "doesn't know what it means to be a father. He doesn't want to be a dad."

What is this bitch's life? Calling in to TMZ to tell them that she lied about her mom being coked up and that she can't wait to piss on her father's ashes? I'm beginning to think that the Lohans were created by the Department of Mental Health to make all of us feel better about our fucked up families.

Kim Kardashian is still legally married to Amoukar from Quest For Fire and she just barely had her diamond wedding ring turned into hers and hers anal lips rings for her and Kanye Kardashian (nee West), but she's already thinking about how she wants to keep fisting the sanctity marriage in the butt without lube. Tatler Magazine (via Zap2it) committed a blasphemous sin and THE QUEEN should order for all of their heads on a Dixie paper plate, because they interviewed Pimp Mama Kris' prized pig for the same issue that Prince Hot Ginge is on the cover of. That's like opening an Almond Roca and finding a piece of dried caca inside. I hate them for that, but I hate myself more for copy + pasting what came out of Kim's talk hole about her next wedding and Kanye:

"It had always been my dream to have a big wedding, and when people said that I'd made it over the top for the show, that was just me: I am over the top. But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that's it.

He's been there through so many different stages of my life and before I was famous, so this relationship is a different thing entirely. It's good to be aware that he definitely doesn't want anything from me too, because he understands the business. I can't even think about being with anyone else than the man I'm with."

"...with just my friends and family and three crews from E! and the dozens of vendors who are giving me free crap to whore out on my stupid piece of trash and Life & Style Magazine and the paparazzi and officials from the Illuminati who will be there to punch my 'Marry 5 Times for No Reason, Get 1 Free Bottle In The VIP Section In Hell' card." This trash heap heffa is the last bitch on this planet who should get married, but who am I to stand in the way of fame whore love? If Kim wants to make Kanye a wife on an island somewhere, E! should make her dreams come true by booking her on Oceanic Flight 815. I know, that was wrong of me. Even the Smoke Monster doesn't deserve to be around trash like that.

Here's Kim strolling around Miami the other day in an orange bed sheet. Just like me after reading about Kim's love for Gay Fish, her tits are sullen, over it and slowly falling to the floor out of boredom.

At Manhattan's Pier 54 last night, professional stander David Blaine slipped on a pair of rubber panties and put on a chain mail suit he bought from Cher's old Sanctuary catalog to stand on a pedestal while electric bolts hit his armor. David is going to do this for a total of 72 hours and it's streaming live on YouTube, but don't click over there unless you want to be annoyed by music that'll make you feel like you're at Medieval Times. Like all of his STUNT QUEEN stunts, David is not eating, sleeping, is drinking water out of a tube and has got a catheter shoved up his piss slit. So basically it's like that one time Hugh Hefner's nurse/ho mistakenly gave him an Ecstasy tab instead of his Flinstones chewable vitamin.

Because David is protected by a Faraday suit and is harnessed to that pedestal thing, many aren't exactly impressed with this stunt including John Belcher, a physicist at MIT. John talked to Today about this and said, "David, you not in danger, girl."

"He has a conducting suit, all the current is going through the suit, nothing through his body. There is no danger in this that I see. I would do it, and I am 69 years old and risk-averse. I just would have to take a nap."

Now, I'm not saying my ass could do this, because I couldn't. I like sitting down, sleeping, eating things, shitting into a toilet and wearing sweats too much. But not eating for 72 hours? Please. 12-year-old models and GOOPY Paltrow conquer that twice a week! Not sleeping for 72 hours? Please. Junkies on meth and single working mothers already do that! Wearing a really uncomfortable chain mail suit? Please. John Travolta wears that every time Kelly Preston tells him she wants to cuddle in her bed tonight. And that electrocution shit? Somebody's dad (I'm not saying yours) is trying that on the nipples of somebody's mom tonight, because they got a little TOO into 50 Shades of Grey.

What I'm saying is that a more dangerous stunt would be if David Blaine tried to plug a hairdryer into a loose electrical socket in the bathroom of a NYC apartment that was built in the 1930s. Now that is some real danger.

Some thought that Keith Urban was going to throw himself off the wagon and dive directly into a mountain of mind-numbing cocaine after he was literally caught in the middle of a diva bitch brawl between a Muppet thug in a curdled Strawberry Quik wig and the butterfly queen of the lambs in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday. But at last night's New York Film Festival premiere of his wife's movie The Paperboy (aka Golden Shower Fun Times with Zac & Nicole), Keith told Extra that he loved it when the Trinidadian chihuahua barked at the Long Island cocker spaniel. Keith loves passionate (read: ridiculous) artists (see: bitches) who openly express themselves (see: act like pieces of trash), because it makes him feel alive (see: laughs so hard his hair curtain becomes a side part) and it makes things very exciting (see: it gives him the wet shits and he was constipated for days before that). I'll let Keef tell it to you in his own words:

“I love it, I gotta say, look I love working with passionate people. I love artists. Everyone just sort of expressing themselves. It’s a very alive and very invigorating work environment. A lot of passion. Randy is the craziest, so you know I’m predictable.”

What Keith is saying is that in high school he was that bitch in the second row (tip: When watching a high school fight, always stand in the second row in case a rogue fist comes flying into the crowd.) screaming "Whoop that frock tart!" ("Frock tart" is Kiwi talk for "trick.") I can totally understand why watching Nicki Minaj go full Turrets on a bitch makes Keith happy. Because when he goes home at night, he eats dinner across from a Botoxed iceberg who has the emotional range of the dead AAA batteries your mom has kept in the freezer for years. So it's like Christmas times for Keith every time someone raises their voice above a frozen whisper. If you ever want to see Keith poop out an orgasm, yell at him hard!

Here's more of Keith and Nicole looking like a bizarro world Ellen & Portia at last night's The Paperboy premiere. Obviously, the key to Keith and Nicole's marriage lasting so long has everything to do with them sleeping separately. He sleeps in a tanning bed and she sleeps in an oxygen chamber/coffin.