Girlfriend Please

Desperate Housewives has lost all of its sparkle now that its finest jewel has left the show. That's what Nicollette Sheridan seems to think anyway. In a new interview with TV Guide, Nicollette says she decided to quit that old bitch, because it just didn't make her pussy pucker anymore. She wanted to leave earlier, but a little thing called a contract got in the way.

Nicollette also said that Marc Cherry, the head bitch on DH, stopped paying her any mind. Marc never put her in the opening credits and barely talked about her ass in interviews. That's when Nicollette compared herself to a shimmering gem stone, "When you have a jewel, why not polish it and put it out there for all to see?"

That line was left over from her Knot's Landing days. It's kind of amazing and Nicollette totally means it! She's right though. She is a fine jewel. The kind of jewel that can be sold for 4 flex-plays of $29.99 on HSN at midnight on a Saturday. The finest!

Nicollette continued scratching at Marc's nalgas, "Somebody up there really wanted her dead. I think whoever Edie represented in Marc's life was somebody he didn't like. And he had a very difficult time distinguishing between fact and fiction."

Marc, being the big queen that is, wasn't going to let Nicollette have the last bitch slap. Marc said there were really no more men for Edie to fuck and that the network made him cut costs, so with her gone the show is saving around $200,000 per episode.

When asked if they were going to put a new whore on the block, Marc said, "What I won't do is cast another fortysomething sexy blonde. Nicollette performed the aging, neighborhood tramp better than anyone has ever done before."

Hey, that's aging, neighborhood JEWEL to you!

That's really the only way to describe Billy Bob Thornton's interview on the CBC this morning with Jian Ghomeshi. Who queefed in his Malt-O-Meal, because Billy Bob was an asshole from the beginning. The dude was there to talk about his stupid trash band and acted like he would rather be getting his ass eaten by Cujo! When Jian asks Billy a clear question, he acts like he doesn't understand the question. That broken down goat needs to clean the douche nuggets out of his ears if he can't hear the question correctly.

Billy's band went on tour with Willie Nelson and he claims he never met the man. Please, Billy, if you don't want to be there, just slither back down the snake hole you came from and spend your days fucking yourself with the vile of Angie Jo's blood that you always keep up your ass crack. When you go to interviews, they will ask you questions. Imagine that!

For the rest of the interview, Billy Bob continues to be a sarcastic and egotistical piece of shit. Who does he think he is? Joaquin Phoenix?!

Billy Bob admits that he's pissed off, because Jian brought up his movie career when the producers were told not to mention it. Jian wins the prize here, because he kept his cool and didn't kick Billy in the mouth hole.

And Tom Petty should take a restraining order out on Billy, because bitch is obsessed with him. Billy Bob totally has Tom Petty posters covering his bathroom walls at home.

The Iron Man 2 set in Pasadena, CA was on fire yesterday when Robert Downey Jr. sashayed FOR HIS LIFE in a pair of sex-me-up heels from Tommy Girl's "Get It Girl" collection. Don't fuck it up, RDJ!

RDJ is looking extra puckery in those heels. They make his nalgas pop and clench. You know he's taking them home with him.

Why does Heidi Klum look like she's posing for quarters in some Equus boots on a street bench in front of a crowd of damn strangers?! I thought that the recession had claimed another victim, but she's actually just doing something model shit for German Vogue in Beverly Hills.

You know Posh is somewhere in the world strapped to an IV bag filled with the period blood of virgins and laughing at Heidi! Cackling! Heidi can't even get up in those things! If she Posh actually did any kind of exercise, she'd wear those "kill me now" platforms while running a marathon.

And I am jealous about that steel rainbow popping out of Heidi's ass.

It wasn't just a bad nightmare, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker really did break up! Yes, I know you woke up this morning, hoping it was just the cruelest April Fool's Joke ever. But don't take a pair of safety scissors to your wrist to stop the pain, because that's not what Shanna wants. No, she wants you to pay attention to her! Only she says she doesn't. But she does. Just don't let her know that you know that. The famewhore is playing hard to get it.

In a new post on MySpace, Shanna blamed Travis for e-mail fucking with other whores and said his friends were slagging her off on blogs and shit. Shanna never addresses the rumors that she blew the bagpipes of a certain hot piece of Scottish meat. I'm guessing Shanna didn't bring his name up, because she can't type it without her ass lips clapping like it's someone's birthday. I don't think anyone can type Gerard Butler without - Oh! There goes me. And here goes Shanna's full rant. Cross your eyes (it makes more sense that way) and read away:

I really thought the days of my personal relationship being played in the public eye were over. just so there is no confusion or "source" to attack my character, I am saying my side.

Travis and I were very much together in September when the horrific crashed happened, not only did I fly to Georgia I stayed by his side the entire stay and also for the bus ride home to LA, I think any human being with a heart and for the love of any good friend , never mind father of their children and lover would do the same, After arriving in LA and getting settled in the new hospital, I came across numerous romantic emails with MANY other woman, some famous , some I personally knew, all heart breaking. and the woman involved you know who you are and should be ashamed of yourself. I also came across emails where employees of my ex were writing comments on gossip networks like TMZ and Perez Hilton, attacking me as a woman and a mother. I Think those were more painful then the infidelities. As anyone can imagine, I was devastated, this is when I stopped going to the LA hospital, I knew and made sure even after what I learned he had a strong support system in place with friends and family, and I made it clear to them why I would be dismissing myself, at that point with the new information revealed to me I considered myself SINGLE and thou In my heart hoped we would remain friends and good parents had no intentions of getting back together. It was a painful time that no one unless they had lived it has the right to judge. Any actions I may or may have not done after this time, mean nothing.

I have been attacked by my Ex and his friends in the press for years at this point, my ability as a mother ( which to me is the cruelest thing you can do to any mother) my character and my integrity. I have never verbally bashed him as a father. I didn't even bash him after the infamous blogs years ago, I have never went on different social networks and made campaigns of hate and slander, In fact MANY times I have had to bite my tongue and try to be the bigger person. I have tried to always put the lives and thoughts and feelings of my children first. I am by no means an angel, and I have made many mistakes, but a woman can only turn her cheek so many times.

"No Comment" just wasn't sufficent this time when people continue to lie and distort the truth. the sad part is, the truth really isn't that juicy or news worthy, it's sad and I wish it had been left behind closed doors. I am a human being and the bashing has taken it's toll.

hope your all happy.
s.

I know the bashing is taking its toll on her as a human being, but it should be "you're." I KNOW! I'm the last whore on this fucking internet planet who should be calling a bitch out for that kind of shit, but I couldn't help it. I get to be the copy editor for once. Let me have my moment.

And I'm sure that by the time I hit "publish" on this bitch, Shanna's ass lips will be clapping all over Travis' mouth during a make-up salad tossing.

Gis Buttchin sang her own version of "BOOM! I Got Yo Baby" to Vanity Fair when she said that she believes Bridge's baby son is her own even though she didn't go through that gross giving labor thing. Gis also said, "But to me, it's not like because somebody else delivered him, that's not my child -- I feel it is, 100 percent."

Bridge hasn't said shit about this, because she's too busy seeking the black magic services of CHERYL BURKE, but her friends are speaking out for her. A few of them told Page Six that Bridge isn't exactly busting rainbows and balloons over what that evil horse witch said.

One friend yapped, "If Gisele loved Bridget's child like he was '100 percent her own,' then she would not talk about him in the press. Discretion and respect are not either of Gisele or Tom's virtues, as was evidenced even when the child was still unborn and they publicly flaunted their relationship without any discretion whatsoever. Don't you think Jack will grow up and read her comments and find them disrespectful to him and his mother? If Tom is such a great father as everyone likes to say, then you would think that he'd respect the privacy of his young child and would ask his wife not to use his son as a publicity prop and a subject of public discussion. Is she is so desperate for attention that she can't find anything more productive to talk about other than Bridget's child?"

The friend also got on a box, popped the spotlight on their face, did a little tap number and said, "Hey Gisele -- real mothers don't call their kids 'it.'" Snap to the fucking teefs!

It's nice that Bridge is crossing her legs, adjusting her pearls and keeping her lips shut on this subject like a real lady, but I wish she would throw all that shit into the gutter and let that skank have it! Jump on Gis' back, ride that horsey to the edge of the Grand Canyon, hop off, throw a sugar cube over the side and watch that bitch leap!

Image: Bauer Griffin

Gisele Buttchin galloped on in and snatched Tom Brady away from Bridget Moynahan, and now the evil horsey lady has her eye on something else that belongs to Bridge: her fucking baby! Bridge was carrying Tom's baby friend in her body when he left her ass for Gis. Now Gis is telling Vanity Fair that she's bonded with Tom's kid, John, and thinks he's hers.

Gis told the magazine, "I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that. But to me, it's not like because somebody else delivered him, that's not my child – I feel it is, 100 percent. I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that's important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine. I already feel like he's my son, from the first day. He's a little angel – the sweetest, most cuddly, loving baby. I feel blessed to have him in my life."

You know Gis went on to say, "And it's totally hot, because I have a baby friend of my own now and I didn't even have to get really fat, smelly and gross. No pregnancy farts for me! And my chocha is tighter and fresher than ever! Yay me!"

THIS BITCH! Bridge, come grab this horse by the mane and lead her to water. Then stick her head in there and don't fucking let go until she stops this foolishness! Seriously, face fuck her with a pile of sugar cubes, because this bitch is trying to start something.

If my stepmother said this kind of shit, I'd hide her fake leg again! No, my stepmother was not Heather Mills. Yes, she belongs to the same Cunts With No Leg club.

To celebrate West Side Story's return to Broadway, Vanity Fair shot an homage to the musical starring Camilla Belle (as Maria), JLo (as Anita), Rodrigo Santoro (as Bernardo), Chris Evans (as Riff) and Ben Barnes (as Tony). Other whores including Brittany Snow, Jay Hernandez, Robert Pattinson, Ashley Jizzdale, Cam Gigandet and Drake Bell also make cameos throughout. If you're trying to spot the sparkly vampire, just follow the flying unicorns to the back of this picture where he's glittering it up with Brittany Snow.

The acting faces in these pictures are worthy of a million Razzies. While Camilla Belle is purdy, she looks like an unlit candle and has the emotional depth of one too. And JLo. JLO! JLo as fucking Anita. I think I'll go back to San Juan, because if I stay here I'll slap a baby newt over this fuckery. Was Rita Moreno previously booked? Or Chita Rivera? Or Iris Chacon? Or Salma Hayek? Or Charo? Or Skeletor? Or La Pequena? Or any bitch but JLo!

And where in Officer Krupke hell is Anybodys?! That boygirl was always my favorite. All Vanity Fair had to do was ring up Rojo Caliente. Rojo already has the looks and attitude to pull it off.

Gatecrasher says that while getting boozy at the Rose Bar in NYC, the Unicorn Prince of the Magical Forest was heard telling a friend, “I can’t get laid in NYC." His friend shot back, “A blind person with a British accent could get tail."

I don't know what NYC Robert is talking about, but this place is home to some of the greatest sluts the universe has ever seen. I mean, my no-no doesn't drop glitter bombs over Robert, but I'd jump on that shit so fast just so I could run up to some random tween and shout, "I fucked your fake sparkly boyfriend and he loooooved it."

But seriously, I'm thinking Robert got laid and he didn't even know it. He probably had himself a damn orgy while walking from the car to the bar. Those crazy fangirls and TwiMoms are slick. They are experts at drive-by-fucking.

If you're something called a Hayden Panettiere, don't go around acting like you're hot caca. Because you're fucking not. Apparently, at some event in Hawaii this past weekend, the angry Gremlin brought her cunt show to the red carpet.

UsWeekly says that at a benefit for the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific Foundation in Honolulu, Hayden flipped out at photographers and reporters. Before posing for pictures, she yelled "Back up!" When a TV reported touched her on the shoulder to get her attention, Hayden screamed, "Don't you ever touch me!" Hayden finally had enough, but before she stomped off, she told reporters, "You all make my life miserable!"

She's even making the whales cry!

Somebody stick this troll on the end of a pencil and shove her into the bottom drawer. I swear. She should have stomped into that rehab hospital and checked herself in. Bitch needs to eat a large piece of Valium pie (delicious!) and chill out in a Calgon bath. But I'd probably be all sorts of cunty too if I was no longer riding the Milo peen express.

Here's the angry troll arriving at LAX yesterday with Darin Brooks from Days of Our Lives. How does she keep landing sort-of hot dudes? These dudes must have a fetish for mutant gymnasts or something.