Girlfriend Please

The Kennedy curse is still a real thing and nowadays when you marry a Kennedy, the government not only makes you fill out a marriage license, but they also make you fill out your own death certificate at the same time. But Taylor Swift doesn't care that she's winking at the Grim Reaper, because she's always been obsessed with the Kennedy family and now that she's dating Conor Kennedy, the 18-year-old son Robert Kennedy Jr. and the late Mary Kennedy, all her dreams are coming true. And as Taylor's dreams come true, all of Martha Vineyard's nightmares are coming true since she's totally going to name drop them in a song now.

People says that last January, Taylor went to Sundance to watch the HBO documentary about Conor's grandma Ethel and a month later she slobbered while telling Vogue that she was so starstruck when she met Caroline and Ethel Kennedy. Taylor got to spend an afternoon with Ethel Kennedy and I'm saying right now that she used that lady to get in with Conor Kennedy. That shameless, social ladder-climbing, bale of hay-looking harlot! And who the hell climbs the social ladder to get into the Kennedy family? Because when you do that, there's a dark cloud of doom waiting for you at the end of the ladder.

People also says that Taylor and Conor have been dating for around 2 months and she is completely "swept off her feet." When isn't this trick swept off her feet? Somebody really needs to secretly stick weights in her Mary Janes, because I'm so sick of her always getting swept up off the ground and shit. All shade aside, 22-year-old Taylor dating an 18-year-old boy fresh out of still in high school makes sense. Taylor has the maturity of a Flower Faeries sticker and he's really young so he probably thinks it's cute when she sends him a handwritten love note folded into a heart shape.

Not a day goes by when Lindsay Lohan's saggy tit bags aren't playing patty cake with her knees during a topless photo shoot, but while shooting a scene for that low-budget, direct-to-Xtube movie The Canyons, she played the "ohmygawd I can't possibly show the chichis everyone on this planet has seen at least a dozen times" card.

TMZ says that before filming a scene where HoHan had to pull her freckled floor dusters out, she got a sudden case of the shies and told the crew that she'd only get topless if they stripped down to their boxers. Usually when HoHan makes a bunch of dudes take their pants off, the scene ends with her distracting them by giving them lazy handjobs while White Oprah sneakily crawls into the room to snatch all of their wallets from their pant pockets. Yeah, so if you're one of those crew members, now you know where your missing wallet went.

This obviously just a planted story to make LiLo looks like the epitome of modest and the crack industry's answer to Mother Teresa. Or maybe.... this story is made of truth and she only made those dudes get down to their chonies, because she's so used to making her johns strip as soon as they walk through the motel door to make sure they're not cops. Occupational hazard!

Because Hallmark doesn't make a Hoops & Yoyo "Sorry I Let Your Man Lap Up My Punane" e-card yet, Kristen Stewart is supposedly writing an apology letter to Rupert Sanders' wife Liberty Ross. In case you don't already know, Liberty's the one above who Kristen is throwing a "Can I lick your lips in case your husband's peen has been there recently?" look at.

Some source tells Radar that KStew kept Liberty's name out of the eye roll-inducing, bizarre open apology to RPattz she gave to People, (Yes, we're living in a world where dumb whores have to send an apology letter to People Magazine for getting their box munched on the side.) because she didn't think it was right and wanted to write a private letter instead. To the source:

"Kristen didn’t feel it was appropriate to issue a public apology to Liberty once the story of her affair with Rupert broke. Instead, she’s going to do the decent thing and write Liberty a private letter expressing her deepest regret for her actions. She was thinking of including Liberty, Rupert and the kids in her public apology – but Kristen was so desperate to save her relationship with Rob she decided to concentrate on that first. Kristen feels she made a terribly naïve mistake and will do anything to make amends. The fact that Liberty and Rupert have two kids has now dawned on her and she feels awful for what she did."

Bitch should also throw in a thank you to Rupert for helping her to dim those gayelle rumors. Seriously, the most shocking thing about those pussy eating pictures is that KStew's not the one doing the munching. Speaking of...sort of...

A different source tells Gossip Cop that Rupert and KStew never actually wet humped on each other. The source says they just kissed and he never stuck it in. The hell? So Twihards are bawlin' out the lyrics to "Un-break My Robsten" over some kissing shit? Maybe it's because I'm a shameless slut with the morals of a used condom, but I always thought that it only counts as cheating if you swallow.

But really, stunt or not, this mess could work in KStew's favor. KStew is as bland as unflavored gelatin floating in a Styrofoam bowl full of lukewarm tap water, but this scandal has made her seem kind of interesting. Not only that, but now the Twihards are turning against her and are no longer trying to lick on her taint. So KStew comes off scandalous in a skanky way AND she's free of the Twihards. Win!

UPDATE: People says that RPattz is heartbroken, angry and has no reason to sparkle on, so he's moved out of the house he shared with KSTew. It's really over! This is bigger than the Fall of Saigon and the Decline of the Roman Empire COMBINED!

Vera Wang recently announced that her marriage to Arthur Becker drowned in a pool of white tulle and they were getting a divorce after 23 years. Well, the NYDN says that Vera's unofficial muse, Evan Lysacek, used his ice skate to cut up her marriage. One source says that Vera is the zombie version of Norma Desmond, because she's moved Evan into her multi-million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills and told him he can stay as long as he wants.

Vera and Evan became best homegirls when she designed a few ice swan costumes for him before and during the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Since then, they've been seen everywhere together. One source says that "something is going on" and that Evan Likesthedick must be digging for more gold to go with his gold medal, because he's been driving a Bentley and wearing a fancy Rolex. But a different source says that Vera is just hypnotized by Evan and he's never done figure eights with his peen on her coochie.

I'm sure Evan has fucked a lot of wangs in his life, but Vera Wang ain't one of them. This is just one of those "rich hags keeping her companion pretty" situations. It's the best situation to be in. If Evan could find a way to wrap his butt around Vera Wang's last name, I'm sure he would, but that's the closest they will ever get to fucking.

And when asked for a response, the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir did this:

You know a story is ridiculous when Johnny Weir responds with a cackle AND kick.

If you drive up to heaven's gourmet emporium on earth In-N-Out to collect a delicious beef orgasm between two buns and you tell the cashier that you have zero dollars to pay for it, they will let the scent of that Double-Double gently hump your nostrils before they yank that food away and tell your broke ass to lick on some used burger wrappers in the dumpster out back. That shit ain't a food bank. That's what should've happened to Miley Cyrus' multi-millionaire ass when she drove up to an In-N-Out drive-thru window in her fancy Mercedes convertible and gave the acting performance of her life by pretending she forgot to bring her credit card. Splash say that the In-N-Out cashier fell for Miley's hillbilly swindle and just gave her the food for free. THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL. So if you want a complimentary Double-Double just follow these 2 easy steps:

1. Be Miley Cyrus.
2. Pretend like you can't pay for it even though you've got a $100,000 diamond ring on your finger and are driving a car that costs more than 30,000 Double-Doubles.

This HIGHLY important news story is HIGHLY important to us slaves of the Double-Double, because the next time I want to some In-N-Out deliciousness for free, I'm going to show them this post. The cashier will probably tell me that he'd give it to me for free if I came out of Tish Cyrus' cooter hole and can call Billy Ray Cyrus my "pappy." He'd have a point. Because I'd rather pay for my own Double-Double than go through life having Billy Ray Cyrus stare at my chest while I sun by the concrete pond out back.

The worst part is that hillbilly chipmunks shouldn't even eat cheeseburgers. I hate her and I hope there was a used condom in that Double-Double.

Lainey at Lainey Gossip read and covered UsWeekly's cover story about the tragic demise of VaJohnny, and you'll believe all of it if you believe that Vanessa Paradis nagged at Johnny Depp so much that he finally walked the plank of their marriage and dove face-first into a sea of snatch. Vanessa  whine cried at Johnny about living on a private island with just the kids, so he drowned his sorrows in his publicist's chocha. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about wanting to move to Los Angeles, so he drowned his sorrows in Amber Heard's twat. It was kind of like a drinking game. Every time Vanessa bitched about something, Johnny did a shot of punane. Lainey broke UsWeekly's mess of a story down like this:

-V wanted to break up 2 years ago because she was unhappy
-V complained all the time about their low key lifestyle. She didn’t want to stay on a private island and quietly raise their babies. She was bored and restless.
-V was the one who wanted to move to LA and that’s when it all unravelled.
-V was the one who insisted that he make big budget Disney movies because she loved the money. Johnny wasn’t interested but only did them for her.
(Please tell me you’re shaking your head and rolling your eyes now.)
-When those movies became big ass deals, V then resented J for his success.

Says an Us Weekly source:

“Nothing Johnny did was ever good enough for Vanessa. When he was working, she wasn’t happy. And when he wasn’t working, he was called a slob for not doing enough for the kids and her family.”

Frustrated and in pain, the only outlet Johnny had was other woman - someone who played a mermaid in Pirates, maybe Eva Green, Amber Heard, his publicist...

That shit reads like it was taken directly from his publicist's strategy book marked "How To Spin It So JD Doesn't Look Like He's Crashing Directly Into A Mid-Life Crises." UsWeekly forgot to include the one where Vanessa tried to kill all of Johnny's hotness by sucking his sense of style through the portal of doom between her front teefs. Seriously, if Vanessa whined at him about everything, couldn't she have whined at him about dressing like what it would look like if a witch turned a Sedona souvenir shop into a human?

A paparazzo happened to hit the click button on his camera just as Stacy Keibler exhaled and the picture had some hos thinking that the spawn of George Clooney has checked into her uterus. Medical studies show that it's almost impossible to get pregnant while having strap-on sex (trust me, Sarah Larson TRIED to find a way), so this rumor put the laughs in everyone. But Stacy still sort of responded to that shit by posting this picture on her Instagram account (via UsWeekly) and showing everyone that the only thing she's pregnant with a six-pack of muscle biscuits.

Didn't George Clooney snip his baby making part, because he was sick of walking into the bathroom and catching his leased piece of the moment standing on her head while one of his used condoms emptied into her coochie hole? I'm pretty sure George got fixed and the only way he'd try to reverse that is if his true soulmate Brad Pitt magically grew a womb and ovaries. The chances of George getting anyone knocked up are about as slim as me knocking up my hand. Although, the crap on my hand I thought was an STD wart could actually be a baby bump...

Here's not pregnant Stacy and George eating dinner at a restaurant near his villa in Lake Como, Italy last night.

That's like me saying that I'm not sure if I want to shove this Zinger down my throat until I hear it land in my stomach. But we'll play along with LiLo anyway. Lindsay Lohan apparently hasn't yet signed her name in White Oprah's blood to star with porn star James Deen in Bret Easton Ellis' The Canyons, because she's not sure she wants to bare her chichi sacks for the millionth time.  In that straight-to-Netflix soft-core mess, LiLo's character humps on James Deen, humps on other dudes, humps girls and humps anything else that will stay still long enough for her to hump on. A source tells Radar that LiLo is getting all demure and modest and shit, and is thinking that maybe she wants to keep her nipples covered for once. Yeah, this is the comedy portion of LiLo's act. Cue up the laugh track.

"Lindsay and her team are concerned about the nudity that is involved. Lindsay would be required to do full frontal nudity, and the sex scenes are very, very graphic. Yes, Lindsay has posed nude for Playboy, but doing it in a movie is completely different. Lindsay needs to make sure that she is comfortable with it, and that this is something she can handle as an artist. It's expected that Lindsay will sign the contract in the next two weeks, as filming begins at the beginning of July. Lindsay has admired Bret's work for a very long time, and one of her favorite movies is Less Than Zero."

Yes, Lindsay Lohan is an artist and she's just going through her Lifetime phase right now. Remember when Picasso went through his "selling placemats of his artwork on QVC" phase? It's kind of like that. But really, it wasn't that long ago when LiLo was going to flirt lipstick out of a dog's peen in a movie and THIS is too much for her? Either LiLo is just trying to get more money (and since this is some low-budget shit that's not going to happen) or she's stalling until they make Photoshop for moving pictures. If all else fails, they should just get White Oprah to be LiLo's body double. Nobody will know the difference and White Oprah will do it for whatever's in your medicine cabinet or whatever's in that cup you're holding. Bitch ain't picky.

Pass this to the team of philosophers studying the meaning of the name of our new messiah. After Beyonce and Jay-Z gave their first born the name of the champagne room at The Blue Iguana, theories as to why they gave her that name ranged from, "Hos named her after a tree covered in Smurf jizz" to "Hos are obsessed with the color blue and number 4." There's a new theory out there and this one comes from the mother of the infinite blue light of holiness herself. Beyonce slapped a passage from Rebecca Solnit's "A Field Guide to Getting Lost" onto her Tumblr page and The Atlantic Wire (via Crunk + Disorderly) thinks it unlocks the meaning of Blue Ivy™ Carter's name. I don't know about that, but I do know it will unlock the meaning of the eye roll you're about to make. The Atlantic Wire broke it down for us:

"The world is blue at its edges and in its depths," Solnit writes in the passage Bey posted. "This blue is the light that got lost."

It's the opening to "The Blue of Distance," the second chapter. If Beyoncé read past the opening passage, then she understands the depth behind the chapter's name.

Solnit sees value in cherishing the desire she associates with the color, instead of treating desire as "a problem to be solved." Or in other words, looking into the "blue of distance" without wanting the distance to go away.

File that under: Beyonce Has Had WAY Too Much GOOP In Her Life. But seriously, Beyonce probably just Googled "Blue" and "deep shit" and after that passage came up, she threw it on her Tumblr page to give bitches something to blog about. And I fell for it.

Beyonce can try to throw us off the trail all she wants, but we all know she either named Periwinkle Fern after the belly rash she got from wearing that pillow all those months or after the secret password needed to get into the Illuminati's lair. You tried it, Bey.

Thanks to that picture, you now know what the ring felt like when Gollum reached for it.

Lindsay Lohan's Encyclopedia of Cracked Out Excuses just got another entry. Bitch obviously doesn't think her "the bitch cut me off" excuse is good enough, because she's thrown another coke-laced excuse on top of that one. TMZ says that LiLo is now telling friends that she rammed into the 18-wheeler that allegedly cut her off because the brakes on her rented Porsche suddenly stopped working. And tomorrow, LiLo will bend over and shit out a dozen more excuses like, "The black kid was driving! I was drinking Kombucha tea!"

A source (born name: Donata Sullivan) tells TMZ that LiLo is crying to her friends that the semi-truck driver is mouth farting out lie after lie. The accident wasn't her fault (he says it is), there was no mysterious pink bag (he says there was) and nobody tried to seal his lips with some hush money (he says they did). We already know that the brakes on this messy twat's life dot work and now she's also telling her friends that the brakes on her rented Porsche didn't work either. LiLo thinks this is weird, because the people who rented her the Porsche told her the brakes were replaced just two days before she busted into that 18-wheeler.

You can't count on this bitch for much, but you can always count on her to reach deep into her ass and pull out a hilarious excuse. The brakes broke? The only way I'd buy that shit is if LiLo snorted up all the brake fluid beforehand or if the ghost of Elizabeth Taylor got revenge by cutting those brakes. Actually, both of those are serious possibilities.