Girlfriend Please

After looking at pictures of Chris Brown having a ball of fucking time in Miami, Usher made a comment that everyone co-signed. While being taped during a recording session, Usher said, "I'm a little disappointed in this photo. After the other photo [of Rihanna's bruised face posted by TMZ]? C'mon, Chris. Have a little bit of remorse, man. The man's on jet skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?"

Well, Usher is taking it all back. Usher issued a statement to UsWeekly saying he was so sowwwwwwwwy for judging the Ike Turners of the world: "The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved."

Why so sorry? Usher was just saying what everyone was already shouting! Did Chris Brown send Usher a beat-o-gram or something? If that's the case, he shouldn't be scared, because his wife Tameka can totally take Chris down. For real.

If AnnaLynne McCord (aka always Eden from Nip/Tuck to me) is going to show us how she got her role on 90210, bitch should at least go all out. I refuse to believe she got that shit with those kind of skills. Way too much teeth and the "I'm making a poopy" face is not hot. Her banana sucking game gets a D-! Even Nannerpuss wouldn't hit that shit!

Blaaaaake busted out of the chokey this week and it was reported that Amy Wino was on her back to England to jump into his heroin-loving arms to make crack chirruns or something. Well, apparently, Blaaaake isn't interested anymore and is fleeing Britain. Yeah, something in the leche ain't clean.

The Sun says that Blaaaake is done and done with the Crackie of Camden and wants to move on with his life (it's news to me that he has one). Friends say he has refused to see Wino, because he thinks she's a bad influence on him now. This just confirms that the skank is crack damaged in the brains. Please don't put a floppy dick in my mouth and tell me it's hard.

The friend added, “His mum Georgette plans to sell up and get Blake to another country. They don’t want to squander all the hard work.”

Hard work? Oh, I see. Blaaaake believes the rumors that Wino is off the crack, so all his hard work from snorting, injecting and puffing so much will go to waste if she tries to get him off the bad shit.

Wherever he goes, Wino's crackhive will find him. It has skills. So Blaaake should flee to another planet instead. I hear Uranus is nice this time of year. Seriously, Uranus is severely underrated.

Diddy is having tantric sex 24-hours a day, because he's always stroking his own massive fucking ego. Welcome.

Source VIA The Frisky

TOP CHEF SPOILER ALERT! You've been warned! Okay, nobody talks shit about Miss Carla. Nobody. That is a crime and the punishment is a lapdance from Hosea. Hosea is the worst.

As you know, our rainbow-hearted Angel lost last night and my middle finger is pointing right at that cunt Casey. Casey sabotaged the nicest person on TV and she knows it. Casey effed Carla up from the souffle to that meat in a Ziploc bag shit! Seriously, shake and bake is gourmet cuisine?

Casey is stabbing Carla in the back with a rusty knife yet again! This nasty ass witch went off on Carla to SideDish. This is the hateful trash she said about Beeker's precious baby:

Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes.

She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn’t show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough… And it didn’t show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn’t rise!

I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course.

Casey, the color of jealousy completely clashes with your cunty smile. This is not a good look. You know, Casey reminds me of Aniston just a wee bit. It makes sense that she would be so damn jealous of Carla. Carla is the spitting image of Angelina Jolie and Casey can't take it.

But seriously, why didn't Casey storm judges table and say this shit during the finale?! The ho could never say this to Carla's sunshine face. Casey hugged Carla and pretended like they were two cuddly kitten friends. HOODY HOO! This bitch needs a cheese course to the face! That didn't really sound like a mean threat, right? It sounds kind of delicious.

VIA ONTD

Over at Buzzfeed, they posted a link to The Teenager Audio Test that produces a tone only young whores under the age of 25 can hear. Supposedly. You might have already known about this shit since it was developed in 2005 under the name The Mosquito. It's used to fuck with teenagers, basically. The annoying sound is meant to keep young ones from hanging around malls, grocery stores, etc...

Click here to test yourself. Now, I'm over the age of 25 and I heard that mess. It's the same ringing in my ears I get after listening to Fishsticks Paltrow bitch about something.

But I have the maturity and humor of a 12-year-old, so it makes sense that I have the sense of hearing of a teenager too.

Fishsticks Paltrow is at it again. She already told the haters of GOOP to fuck off. And now she's saying that the whores who hate it, just don't understand IT.

The New York Times wrote up on article about how GOOP was basically a bunch of pretentious fish caca. At some event last night, Fishy defended her GOOP again to People, "I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don't really get it, because if they did, they would like it. There's nothing incendiary about it. I find it really interesting because it's a harmless newsletter that goes out each week."

I GET IT, BITCH! Now get this: FUCK OFF. Seriously, the people who do actually get it are probably the ones who can't stand that mess. I get it loud and clear. If you don't buy $20,000 purses and eat organic tree bark, then you're not worthy. This is what is so effed up about this ho. She can't understand that people just don't like something she does. I just want to smack her in her smug face with CHERYL BURKE'S mop head!

Look at Fishy's face. Don't you just want to smoosh it up into little balls, throw those balls into a deep fryer, pour some tartar sauce all over that shit and then chuck them at seagulls flying by?! And her words even make me want to do more horrible things. Every time I read something she says, the Chris Brown in me rises up and I have to go beat one of my dildos (and not in a sexay way).

Lily Allen is part-time banging Tom Dinsdale of Audio Bullys (dude above, duh) and she's pretty proud of his first class peen.

During an interview with Q Magazine (via The Sun), Lily tongued him in front of the interviewer. Later when she was alone with the reporter she said, “The hunk in my kitchen. Well, he’s hot. He’s cute, isn’t he? I had a sleep-over two nights ago and he came along. Quite young, for me. What d’you wanna know? How big his cock is? It’s very nice.”

Lily is practically sending out an invitation to the world to please sample her dude's top shelf dick because it's stellar. When you've got yourself some good dick, you don't broadcast it to every slut out there. There's a lot of peen-hungry vultures who are always on the look out for dick that counts!

Instead, you tell bitches that shit is whacked. You tell them that he's got a 2-inch narcoleptic peen that's covered in hairy warts with urethra lips that rival Lisa Rinna's mouth roids. You don't want whores sniffing at your goods. Damn, Lily. For the sake of your future orgasms, keep that shit to yourself.

Image: Mr. Paparazzi

Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into Dita Von Teese was on pause since November, but you can hit the play button again, but bitches are saying she's back to licking on Marilyn Manson's decapitated worm peen.

Page Six says that Marilyn came out of the W Hotel Sunday morning and told a bitch "he was waiting for his girlfriend." A quick minute later, Evan came out and the two got into a car and drove off to GROSSville.

I guess by this time tomorrow, Evan will be black-haired and red-lipped again. You can find her ass splashing around in a giant busted martini glass with rhinestone pasties on her nipples. Ugh.

If Evan wants to cause shame to her vag, then that's her thing. Bitch's snatch was just learning to smile again and now she's pulled this! Evan, your vagina isn't creaming in pleasure. It's fucking crying tears of pain because it has to kiss Marilyn's corroded cock creature again.

Personally, I'd rather get butt fucked by a plugged-in power strip than let Marilyn hit this.

Victoria's Secret model and the "world's most voluptuous virgin" (by GQ), Adriana Lima, eloped with NBA player Marko Jaric on Valentine's Day in Jackson Hole (heh), Wyoming. Adriana and Marko have NOT been sexing it up with each other since 2006.

Adriana claimed last year or so that she was still a virgin, but this chick dated Lenny Kravitz. Even if he didn't stick it in, Lenny can melt cherries just by touch. So if she even hugged Lenny, the ho ain't a virgin anymore. This is a scientific fact. There was a special on the Discovery Channel about it or something.

Adriana announced the news on her MySpace and also addressed the rumors that she might be knocked up:

By this point, some people know about my big news! Yes, I like to keep my life personal but I did become married on Valentine Day to the love of my life. I am SO happy inside and I want to spread my love!

The marriage was very small and not most friends and family could attend because it was a quick decision. Luckily, we will be having another wedding this summer that will be a bigger event!

We have not decided where it will be because my family is in Brasil and Marko is from Serbia. It will be great no matter where!

And finally, there are rumors of me pregnant. I just cannot say.. YET!

Happy on the inside and wants to spread her love? SLUT! Bitch is totally knocked up. I don't blame her ass. Look at that hot piece. Yes, ole boy is a little crossy in the eyeball area, but he looks like he has prime long peen. That's what my peendar says anyway. The only problem is that he probably has trouble finding the hole, because his wonk eyes keep directing him in different directions. One eye tells him to go east and the other tells him to go west. If Adriana stays on top that shit is probably good.