Jamie Lynn Spears

A source close to Jamie Lynn Spears told Page Six, "She only has Diet Coke in the house. How redneck is that?"

Okay, this means I'm not a redneck. I don't have any Diet Coke in my house. I only have Kool-Aid, Crystal Light, Sunny-D, Tang, Pabst, Chateau Diana and RC Cola. Yay, I'm high class! Here's a little tip: Crystal Light tastes like straight-up dog piss to me, so add a little Kool-Aid with a little soda water to fancy it up. You're welcome.

The source also claims Jamie will never marry her baby daddy, "I doubt that'll ever happen. Her mama Lynne doesn't like him and thinks she can do better. They don't want him anywhere near Jamie Lynn's cash." Well, if they don't want him anywhere near her cash they better move her checking account shoe box from under the bed. That's the first place someone looks!

Image: INFDaily.com

*Image removed by request of OK! and replace with this cover which you've already seen*

Damn! Is Jamie Lynn giving Maddie Briann 100-proof Purple Drank, because baby looks like she's in another world. I'll have what she's having.

Click here to see the pictures from OK! of Jamie Lynn and her new baby.
Let's just all go out and get knocked up! It's fun!!

What in frosted ass hell is going on here?! Is that Jamie Lynn Spears or one of the long-lost Mandrell sisters?! Shit, I know they probably wanted to make her look like a mature, responsible parent, but bitch looks like a gum-chewing, middle-aged Piggly Wiggly cashier named Candy. Even Ali Lohan is saying, "That bitch looks old."

Baby Maddie looks like.......a baby.

Jamie Lynn also did some long ass boring interview with OK! Click here to read that boring shit, but here's a quote:

"We get up in the morning, and she gets her little bath. Then I get my bath. We have a routine, and I love routines. I've worked one out with her, and we're happy going about our little life. She'll feed every two or three hours. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, I'll feed her and she goes right back to sleep. There's no screaming and crying."

She's totally giving her Purple DRANK, isn't she? I need to hit up Brit Brit for that recipe.

Jamie Lynn Spears popped out other Spears spawn yesterday and nobody seemed to care. Seriously, when Jamie Lynn got knocked up, it was major shit and everyone seemed to want to talk about it. But yesterday when she finally gave birth, nobody gave a fuckity fuck! I talked to people about it and they were like, "Yeah? So anyway, I pooped out a perfect banana shape this morning. That means I'm healthy, right?" I'm baffled! But I think I'm more baffled by banana shaped pooped.

Anyway, People Magazine interviewed one of Jamie Lynn's distant cousins. Margie Busby had this to say, "She's awfully young to be a momma. But that's what they make grandmothers for. They have to help. That's the way it is with our circle of friends."

That quote says it all. And can't you picture Margie? Banana clip in her feathered hair, scrunchie on her wrist, one newborn baby in each arm, another baby barfing on her platform flip-flip, a vintage Billy Ray Cyrus cassette blasting in the background and a few chickens running through her double-wide trailer. And she's probably one of the classier Spears.

Image: INFDaily.com

Thanks Denise

Another Spears girl has entered the world! Hide your sons! The National Enquirer claims 17-year-old Jamie Lynn popped out a baby girl at Mississippi Southwest Regional Medical Center in McComb, Ms. She delivered via C-section at 8:30 a.m. The new baby Spears weighed in at 6 pounds, 10 ounces.

It's been rumored that Jamie Lynn and Casey want to name her Cailynn or Cassie, a combination of their names. Let's hope she names her new little bundle of joyness, Cailynn Cheeto Spears. Of course, the Cheeto is after Brit Brit.

I'm sure we'll be celebrating another Spears birth when Baby Cheeto pops one out in a few months. I'm joking! Give her a couple of years.

Congrats to Baby Cheeto, JL and Casey! A round of Purple DRANK is on me!

UPDATE: People has confirmed that JL pushed out Baby Cheeto around 9:30 this morning. They have named her Maddie Briann. Let's try out that name, shall we? "Maddie Briann! Stop sucking all the freon out of our new AC unit!" Yeah, that works.

The National Enquirer is reporting that 17-year-old Jamie Lynn is going to pop out a baby sometime tomorrow. Sources tell them that she had an ultrasound last week that showed her baby may be in the breech position, so the docs decided to schedule her c-section for tomorrow.

Brit Brit, Daddy Spears and the rest of the clan is currently in Kentwood.

I'm a little disappointed to hear that JL is going to give birth in a hospital. I was secretly hoping she would go into labor in the middle of Piggly Wiggly. That would be poetic.

Casey and Jamie Lynn are reportedly having a girl. They are planning to name her a combination of both their names, Cailynn or Cassie. Boring. If they are going to go that route, they should give her a spicier name like Jaca or Seymie.

And everything will be fine now that Brit Brit is there! Jamie Lynn will pop out a healthy baby Jaca and everyone will celebrate over possum fritters and Budweisertinis.

Image: INFDaily.com

Brit Brit Spears is boarding the Cheeto plane bound for Kentwood, LA this afternoon! UsWeekly reports that Brit is going back home to help Jamie Lynn give birth and she could stay for at least a month. When asked for comment, SPF and JJ replied, "GOOD MITTENS!"

Yesterday in court, The Commish postponed a July 31st conservatorship hearing because Brit will be on vacay and not available for meetings. They can't do the meetings without her ass? She just sits there, blows bubbles in her Frapp and writes "Mrs. Brit Brit Jean Pitt" over and over again. I'm sure her presence is not needed.

The Commish also granted permission for Daddy Spears to sell her Studio City house. WAIT! Is this the community where Ed McMahon lives?! His realtor bitch said they had trouble selling his house because Brit Brit brings all the paps with her and potential buyers don't like that shit. Hooray! Now Pepaw can sell his crib and be out of the red.....hopefully.

The hospital where Jamie Lynn gives birth better put some cameras in the delivery room. You know Brit Brit is going to bust in on an ATV and snatch the baby! Naw, old Brit would have done that. New Brit will just look at Jamie and the baby and say, "Dang! Thet baba is homely jest like yo ass! OK! Magazine won't even give you halfa bag of pawk rinds fo pitchers of that oogly monster! Blimey!"

A pap was arrested in Mississippi for stalking Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge. Edwin Merino, the pap, was arrested while taking pictures of the couple at a gas station. They were buying their dinner for the night. I'm joking. I think. Edwin told the Associated Press that he was at least 200 feet away from them.

Edwin said that he was about to go to Los Angeles because he wasn't able to get that many pictures of their country asses. He said, "I haven't worked on them myself. The first time I got a good look at him was in court."

After he was arrested and booked, a police officer drove him to the ATM and he got the $1,143 needed for his bail. WTF?! You can get that much money out of country ATMs?! Shit, I try to take out more than $200 and the ATM throws me shade.

Now that Edwin is going back to Hollyweird to get more pictures of Brit Brit without panties, who the hell is going to catch JL eating meat on a stick on an ATV? We neeeeed these pictures! I"m sure one of her cousins will do it for a couple of food stamps.

It could be my hangover playing tricks on me, but it took a few blinks for me to realize this was Jamie Lynn and not Brit Brit. Damn. Homegirl is so tan, classy and ......miserable. She's the new MiserAlba! Although, it doesn't really work on her, because her name isn't Alba. Jamie Lynn Scowls. Naw, that doesn't work. Anyway, the girl needs to drop a good queef and wipe that frown off her face. It could be worse, she could be Brit Brit! Jamie Lynn should think about that.

Here's JL in Mississippi yesterday on her way to a club to drink her grouchiness away. No, she's on her way to her second baby shower. Brit Brit probably ruined the first one by constantly farting, so Jamie Lynn's friends are making it up to her by throwing her a second one.

No, this is not a picture from the Fugly Ass Dress Convention. It's Jamie Lynne's baby shower or what Britney probably calls it "baba showa." The chick that's second from the right is my favorite. She's working that 90s look of the spaghetti dress over the tank.

OK! Magazine has these pictures in their newest issue from JL's special day. She talked to OK! about seeing Brit Brit for the first time in a while, "It was wonderful to be able to spend time with her and just be girls again. We painted our nails and did stupid stuff." The stupid stuff means they drank a whole bottle of NyQuil in the bathroom.

JL also said that Brit Brit gave her some words of wisdom. Don't spit out your coffee! Your boss is watching. JL said, "She told me, 'There are going to be some long nights, but it is completely worth it.'" She also gave her a recipe for "baby sleepy drank." It's made with bourbon, whiskey, Tylenol PM, Sunny D and Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea.