Shauna Sand

Speaking of shit that should be banned from the world, that burning sensation taking over your eyeballs that feels like the tips of your lashes are growing genital warts and your retinas are wrinkling into the fetal position could only mean one thing: it's a Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison post!

If this precious picture of the 17-year-old reptile bride and her creepy serial killer-looking husband posing with the Lohan family (who are looking less orange and bloated than usual) makes you want to cover the eyes of innocent chirruns everywhere, then you're not alone. Before this picture was taken, The Tales of the Crypt's answer to Heidi and Spencer were kicked out of a pumpkin patch in the Santa Clarita Valley for acting like two nasty, inappropriate, pumpkin-fucking whores of destruction. Yup, that's them!

Radar says that mothers who wanted to spend their afternoon picking out a pumpkin with their families instead had to soothe the faces of their crying children and close the mouths of their husbands after Courtney sashayed by in a pair of coochie-killing coochie cutters and white dick-picking-up boots (and it's after Labor Day)! After the pumpkin patch received complaint after complaint, Courtney and Dog (typo and it stays) were shown the exit. Courtney, being the good Christian girl she is, responded to this injustice by quoting the bible on Twitter:

Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! :) "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24
21 hours ago via web

If there was Internet access in heaven and Jesus could rewrite John 7:24 he'd change it to: "Do not judge by appearances, but do judge a nightmare creature for spreading several layers of snatch slime on a bunch of pumpkins in the Santa Clarity Valley."

But in all seriousness, Courtney getting kicked out of the pumpkin patch was an act of pure jealousy. How can anyone be prejudiced toward a naturally beautiful sunflower whose eyes were kissed by heaven's clouds (aka Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow), whose lips are covered in sparkling unicorn semen (aka Vaseline mixed with Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow) and whose clothes were made for her by the finest French couture house (aka one of those stripper stores on Hollywood Blvd.). Those hating families wish having a sense of dignity didn't stop them from being this classy and demure.

For more pictures of the walking Blumpkin that is Courtney and Doug, go to The Superficial and view at your own risk. Below are pictures of Courtney's obvious idol, The Empress of Lucite, turning pumpkins into lucite chariots at a pumpkin patch over the weekend. Note to Courtney: If you don't want to be kicked out of the pumpkin patch, trade your hooker boots, denim panties and creepy husband for exquisite heels, the finest dress that a handjob can buy and an ambiguously gay boy toy imported from Eastern Europe.

Morning-shift strippers will have to reach for the heights of elegance without the help of lucite this morning, because every pair of exquisite plastic heels are filling with fogs of sorrow over their Empress getting wrongfully arrested for allegedly committing an act of domestic abuse upon her boy toy Lorenzo Homburger (that last name is a second "O" away from being John Travolta's favorite food item)!

TMZ reports that the most beautiful being who was created when an angel's pre-cum drop fell onto a crystal flower, Shauna Sand, and Lorenzo Homburger were both put into handcuffs early this morning in Los Angeles after the cops got a call about a loud fight. When the cops arrived, they noticed fight marks on Lorenzo's body and immediately took both of them into custody. Shauna Sand was released from local imprisonment after her father Zeus sent Pegasus down with an ivory pot of gold coins. Lorenzo is still in custody.

In the words of Lindsay Lohan after a coke dingle falls out of her nose during a drug test: IT'S A SET-UP! Obama needs to drop everything and use all of resources to investigate this international emergency! Shauna Sand only has graceful bones in her body, so she couldn't possibly have a violent one. Could a gardenia's freshly bloomed petal cause damage to human skin? Absolutely not! This is the same thing (Shauna's lawyers can use that in court). Besides, the Empress of Lucite takes domestic violent very seriously. She said so herself! Need I remind you?

You can ALWAYS trust a crystallized deity who speaks out against domestic violence while wearing white lingerie in a milkshake shop.

UPDATE: TMZ says that Homoburger is actually Shauna's husband. She threatened him with a divorce, they got into a fight, she locked herself in her bedroom, he broke in and she sprayed him with mace. That's how most fairy tales end.

(Image via Heyman Hustle)

Lorenzo Lamas kept holy matrimony spinning in its grave over the weekend when he made 24-year-old Shawna Craig his 5th wife and future ex-wife in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Like every thing that penetrates through the lucite bubble that covers Shauna Sand, the name "Lamas" does not want to leave her and will stay on as her legal last name. The constitution (and the laws of the gods) CLEARLY state that there can only be one Shauna Lamas existing in the 50, so this Shawna Craig trick has to keep her last name! BUT WAIT! A different idea has slithered into one of the pockmark's on Lorenzo's face and crawled up into his brain. Lorenzo will take Shawna's last name instead. Presenting Lorenzo Lamas-Craig!

Lorenzo's manager tells E! News that he's proud to become the first celebrity (?) to do such a thing! Such a fucking pioneer, that Lorenzo.

"He's going to legally change his name to Lorenzo Lamas-Craig. He's always thinking outside the box so he decided to become the first celebrity to take his wife's last name. His new wife didn't want to be called Shawna Lamas for obvious reasons."

Lorenzo Lamas is as crazy as his face is beat if he really thinks I'm going to call him Lorenzo Lamas-Craig. Typing and saying those extra syllables are just a waste of time. Time I can spend finding the 12-year-old slut from the 1980s that Shawna Craig snatched that half-sweater from. Besides, this marriage is going to last about as long as the will of a mortal man when he stares into the angelic eyes of the Empress of Lucite, so he'll be Lorenzo Lamas again in a quick minute.

Here's Lorenzo Lamas and his toddler bride Shawna Craig being greeted at LAX by a young child actor they totally hired from central casting. This really does count as an act of child abuse.

The bad news is that you've lost an hour you could've spent working on your invention for the world's first time-release booze capsule. But the good news is that there's more sunshine time in the afternoon, which means the people of Miami get to stare at this melting Popsicle of wax even longer!

It's The Real Housewives of NYC's own Kelly Bensimon (To every bitch who bet this was Bill Hader as Steven Tyler: hand over your coins) sunning her gently worn leather carcass in Miami! Even though Kelly's torso sort of looks like Voldemort with a clay mask on, her body is still making me scream, OH BOY!, OBERTO! So I can not and will not hate.

And in case you need something to wash your retinas with, I've also left you some pictures of the meaning of elegance, Shauna Sand, with her 90s Eurogay hustler boyfriend in Beverly Hills last night.

The goddess who was created when Zeus threw a bolt of lucite at a mermaid rolling around the sand once again reigned over Miami beach today and blessed the beach with the sparks shooting off her exquisite lucite heels. Shauna Sand had a new Euro twink at her side one pap said it's her ex-boy-in-waiting Greg Knudson (but that thin stick of lean beef is definitely - NSFW alert - not this) and a different pap said it's her new fiance Laurent. Even though I'm a member of the Church of Lucite, I can never keep track of who is feeding frozen grapes to Shauna's nipples and spit shining the bottoms of her lucite heels.

The only thing I do know is that she always manages to find a piece that looks like a former member of a failed Euro boy band who now trolls upscale Palm Springs bath houses for old rich men to keep his fancy mullet fresh and his collection of designer sunglasses from outlet malls up to date. That young twink stallion looks like he's got Bel Ami tattooed in his ass crack and always keeps a traveler size bottle of passion fruit scented lube in his pocket. And I love that his beach pants say "lifeguard" when the only thing he'll dive into the ocean to save is a tub of body wax and a jar of pomade. The Empress always picks well.

The Empress of Lucite is already the most beautiful goddess in the world, erotic cinema superstar, portrait of a doting mother, feminist beacon, Anna Wintour's personal style icon, every flower's inspiration, the only reason why the sun rises and now she can add musical chanteuse to her resume. TMZ posted a tiny clip of the musical masterpiece that will soon go triple Lucite, climb to the top of every chart and also help to spike sales in Valtrex ear drops. This is what it sounds like when doves ORGASM.

The window into elegant's soul (or the "music video" as some you non-worshipers might call it) is called "Everybody Wants to be a Porn Star" and co-stars a Playboy model named Anna Garcia. I'm not even trying to listen to you HATING BITCHES out there who are screaming that Shauna sounds like a baby Paris Hilton practicing her French while having a constipated moment on the toilet. YOU LIE. Shauna coos like a nightingale queefing and you can't tell me otherwise. This exquisite lullaby should replace every church bell and should also be played in all delivery rooms so that every newborn baby immediately knows that the world truly is a beautiful place.

When Charles Perrault wrote the magical tale of Cinderella, these are the pictures that waltzed through his head like a delicate bubble skipping along a sliver of wind. An innocent fair maiden in exquisite slippers made of the finest glass standing in the middle of a patch surrounded by the pumpkins that took her to the royal ball where she hypnotized Prince Charming with her natural beauty...... Yes, this is definitely how the fairy tale is supposed to look, so Disney better dump that stupid little movie they made into the recycle bin and start all over again using these glorious pictures as their inspiration.

Here's a few more pictures of Lucitella sweetly kissing her Prince Charming (to some of us a hot dog is our Prince Charming so go with it) and making her ugly step-sisters jealous by flashing the panties her mouse friends made for her. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, bitches!

And just like that, Ciara has earned a prime spot in the Empress of Lucite's inner circle. Here's Ciara on the set of her new video showing us that even the most tomboy-ish of day shift strippers can reach the highest levels of elegance by super-gluing a raggedy Chuck Taylor (found wrapped around a telephone wire) to an exquisite lucite heel. This is some MacGyver meets Hookers at the Point shit done right!

Without the lucite, Ciara would look like any other wayward warehouse whore who will let you finger her culito for half a cigarette and a sip of your Bud. But with the lucite, Ciara looks like a royally refined lady who commands you to curtsy before her. Speaking of, study thumbnails #5 and 6 closely to learn the correct way to curtsy (more like "cuntsy").

Now slip on your own lucite heels and give these pictures the respect they deserve by cuntsying before them! Care Bear Stare them with your crotch!

You really can't say shit about the crystal chandelier bukkake Rita Wilson wore on her body to the Emmys last night. This is made of every kind of sparkly YES! How can you throw shade on an ensemble that could keep a million cats entertained for hours? How can you stamp "FUG" on a dress that looks like Liberace's boy catching net? I just want to gently tap a fork on Rita's ass and make a speech about how much I love all of this right down to the "Ode to Shauna Sand" lucite heels!

THOSE EXQUISITE LUCITE HEELS! This is exactly what Shauna Sand's elegant feet look like after she spends a day floating above the burning sand. Oh yes, Shauna's feet sweat IS made of sparkly crystal. And now you know thanks to Rita!

New York is wetter than a Twihard's panties on Edward Cullen's fake born day, and it's obviously due to the fact that the gloriously beautiful Empress of Lucite defied all laws of natures by wearing FLIP FLOPS in Miami this past weekend!!! And not even elegant platform flip flops! Just basic flip flop farted out of the dry asshole of any Big Lots!

This is a sight that makes my eyes (and everything) sore! Actually, my everything was already sore, but let's not tip toe into that topic when there's more important news to deal with!

When Shauna Sand doesn't wear her exquisite lucite stilts to heaven, the angels up above don't have a clear view of her stunning "sculpted by Michelangelo from a block of silicone" face. Because of this, the angels have begun their "We Weep For Lucite" world tour. So you better channel your inner Mike Holmes and start working on your floating shack, because the angels are not going to stop.