Shauna Sand

We already know that the Empress of Lucite can float on sand, bring flowers back to life and cause angels to faint, but did you know that she's also a phenomenal actress? A true thespian. Above is a clip from her STARRING role on "Renegade" in the late 90s. The clip starts out as a brokedown porn movie, but it all changes when the luscious and elegant Shauna Sand comes on the screen. It's like Bette Davis has come back to life in the form of the most gorgeous woman in the world. The starts out as something out of a dime store Skinemax flick. It quickly changes to a scene from "Now, Voyager." The emotion! The layers!

It's obvious why Shauna isn't one of the most celebrated actress of our times. Actors and actress who are made of hate don't want to share the stage or screen with someone that will make them look like acting school drop-outs. It's really a curse being Shauna Sand.

Here's the always ravishing Shauna wearing her exquisite lucite heels while feeding the children in some third-world country last night.

Sand floating on sand! Only the Empress of Lucite has the power to walk on sand in exquisite lucite heels. Notice how the people around her are in awe of her powers (not really, but go with me on this one)? I'm sure she can walk on water with them too. With exquisite lucite heels on her feet, she can do anything!

The always elegant Shauna Sand brought a whole lot of glamour and beauty to the beaches of Miami this past weekend. I'm sure the emergency rooms were filled with peons who went into cardiac arrest from being that close to Shauna's extreme elegance. Even the dolphins in the ocean bowed before her. Shit, even the sharks curtsied. If you look close enough you can see the crabs in her precious oyster the sand crying because they are in the presence of greatness.

Seriously, her daughter is the luckiest little girl in the world. Even Shiloh Jolie-Pitt jealous.

Oh. My. God. I am seriously hyperventilating over these gorgeous pictures of The Empress of Lucite in her royal garb last night! She even wore the official royal ribbon over her exquisite lucite heels.

Just when I think there's no way she can outdo herself in the "elegant" department, she does. Webster's dictionary owes it to the world to change the meaning of the word elegant to simply "Shauna Sand." The word should only be used to describe Shauna and nothing else!

Last night, Shauna took off her royal coochie cutters outside of Foxtail in West Hollywood. Shauna, being the saint that she is, probably decided to do the lovely people of Los Angeles a gift by cleaning up the air with her beautifully scented vagina. Her chocha probably smells like a million Little Tree air fresheners. No, her chocha is like a fucking Febreze factory.

These pictures of Shauna will dance in my dreams tonight. Here's more of her last night and also getting her nails done earlier in the day. They probably used liquid rubies to paint her nails.

No, not really. Shauna Sand is perfect. She doesn't die. She's immortal! When all of us are gone, the only things that will remain on this planet are Pop Rocks and the elegant creature known as The Empress of Lucite.

Shauna and her trick, we'll call him MK's Rival for now, were involved in a minor car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday. It's obvious what happened. The other driver was blinded by Shauna's beauty and he lost control of the car, slamming into her. Shauna, please stay inside! Your beauty is a danger to us all! The world isn't equipped to handle it!

Shauna wasn't wearing her exquisite lucite heels, so she really could have been injured. Her powers weaken without them!

Here's more of Shauna with her girls and MK's rival in Beverly Hills yesterday. And how dare that security guard man stare at Shauna that way! He looks like he's about to jump her! Look at him. He can't help himself!

TMZ reports that the Empress of Lucite is officially without her emperor. Her divorce from that Romain Chavent dude was made final on Monday. REJOICE! My peen lips are singing Hallelujah!!

Being a gayelle is a major trend in Hollywood right now. That's why I may have a chance with the most gorgeous creature in all the land. We'll be like the new SamRo and HoHan with triple the elegance! I would even lick Shauna Sand's precious pearl. I'm sure it tastes like fresh strawberries dipped in French champagne, and my tongue would turn into a diamond on contact.

I adore her so much that I would do sexy times with her exquisite lucite heels. WELL! Her exquisite lucite heels are iconic! It would be my doody (typo and it stays).

The Empress of Lucite has made the cover of The National Enquirer's "Most Elegant Women on the Planet" cover. Yes, I know it's about plastic surgery nightmares, but they didn't mean that! They couldn't have. Shauna Sand is perfection personified. That picture was obviously doctored by some evil hater of all things elegant. Shauna's stomach is not capable of looking like that. I'm sure she's tried, because she's sick of being so fucking gorgeous and she wants to fit in with the normal people of the world. I'm telling you. Natural beauty like Shauna's is a curse. The Enquirer didn't even show off her best feature - her exquisite lucite heels! WTF?!

Click here to see other pictures of Shauna in a bikini from that same set. I mean, all you see is perfection? Right? RIGHT?! May you choke on that Baby Ruth you're scarfing down if you didn't answer HELL YES to my question.

Somebody needs to put Shauna in touch with Phoebe Price. PP has been through this before. Do you remember cellugate? Chicken Cutlets will put Shauna in touch with the right "legal management team." She will also get Shauna to deny the claims by going on every TV show from "The Insider" to "QVC's Quaker Factory." The Empress of Lucite's good name must be cleared!

P.S. - Did Phyllis Diller's face finally fall off or is that bacon?

Image VIA Cover Awards

Holy fuck! An Empress of Lucite post directly following a Chicken Cutlet post! If only I had new pictures of Rojo Caliente. That would complete the triangle and Dlisted would explode. Or maybe I would explode? Not sure.

I know what you're thinking, but Shauna Sand meant to dress like a hooker hobo. If she doesn't try and cover up her extreme beauty, hundreds of men would instantly recognize her and beg for her hand in marriage. They would immediately commit suicide once she denied them. Shauna is saving lives by dressing like this. The woman is a saint.

She doesn't fool me. I still see the most elegant woman in the world underneath those rags.

And I also just realized why I adore her exquisite lucite heels so much. It's because they make her look like she's floating above the ground, like the beautiful angel she is.

.....and it's Shauna Sand. The Empress of Lucite was out mingling with her subjects in Hollywood last night. You can't tell from these pictures, but those roses were actually dead before Shauna touched them. She magically brought them back to life.

Last night, Shauna proved once again that she is a true natural beauty. She's like a fresh gardenia in the morning rain. I mean, she hardly woke any make-up last night! I know, it's hard to believe. Shauna is beauty in its most natural state.

Shauna also announced that she is the spokesperson for the extremely exclusive San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino in Highland, CA. And by "exclusive" I mean anybody can get in as long as you're wearing shoes. And the ads don't do her justice.

Here's more of the most beautiful woman in the world with her secret husband. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack my things. I'm moving to Highland, CA!

....Well, except for that bag of donut grease ogling at the Empress of Lucite. His hairy eyeballs are not worthy of staring at such pristine elegance. He should be on his doughy knees, kissing her lucite footprints. Even the trees and that trash can are staring at Shauna Sand's magnificent beauty. You can't help but not!

Shauna spent an exhausting afternoon at the pool in Miami on Sunday. Seriously, it must be so tiring being that gorgeous. It's good thing I wasn't there. Not only would I have stolen her exquisite lucite heels while she was in the pool, but I also would have downed gallons of that pool water after she got out. That shit is like blessed holy water from the heavens.

During last week's Berlin Fashion Week, fashion label Scherer Gonzalez sent their models down the runway wearing exquisite lucite heels. It's obvious who their inspiration was. It's nice to see that the fashion industry is finally paying home to the Empress of Lucite. Now I don't know about those flowers and shit, but Shauna's elegant style is open to interpretation.

I guess these lucite heels are for the stripper who likes to do crafts in between her lap dances. Or for the hooker who likes to make her own potpourri in between $5 blowjobs.

You know Christian Louboutin is stabbing his dick with a stiletto heel for not coming up with this shit.