Shauna Sand

Vivid Entertainment got a hold of a series of tapes of Carrie Prejean parting her pink sea, and they want to sell the videos with her blessing. Carrie turned them down. Well, now Vivid has brought out their finest lucite jewel to dazzle Carrie and bring her over to the bright side.

The Empress of Lucite slid into her lucite throne, pulled out her boyfriend's peen, dipped it in her sparkly box and wrote a passionate letter to Carrie where she described her own journey from powerless victim to star, cinematographer, director, costume designer and soundtrack composer of her own fuck film. Shauna said that Carrie could waste thousands of dollars on lawyers, or she could make millions by letting the world see her holy grail on her terms.

Below is the part of the letter where Shauna talks about the pivotal moment where she decided to LEAK HER OWN SEX TAPE be the queen of her own porn destiny:

I went to the meeting full of rage. During the meeting, however, I realized that I could actually take control of the situation. Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees for a lawsuit that could take months or even years to be resolved, I could actually turn things around.

I told Steven that I wanted to eliminate any compensation to the third party since it was my movie that I not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to. I also told him that I wanted to be involved in the marketing of the movie as I really cared about it.

I’m really glad I made that decision. I’m proud of my body and of the passion that I felt during the making of the movie which became “Shauna Sand Exposed.”

Why don’t you consider taking control yourself and handle this situation on your own
terms so that you are in the driver’s seat. It all starts with a telephone call to Steven to find out what your options are. I’d be happy to talk to you one-on-one about how I did it.

If any of us were touched by a lucite angel, we would immediately fall into a deep trance and do anything Shauna asked us to. But Carrie proved that she is not of this world, because she turned down Shauna's offer! Carrie even threatened to sue Vivid if they don't leave her alone.

UNGODLY! Turning down the Empress of Lucite is like turning down JESUS himself. Carrie basically spit on the gates of heaven. Just like she spit on her palm to play with her coochie on that tape!

To quote the a wise woman named Marguerite Perrin: "SHE IS NOT A CHRIIIIISTIIIIIIIAN!"

We all (aka just me) know Shauna Sand as the most naturally beautiful creature in the universe and as the sole reason why lucite twinkles under a strip club's spotlight. But sometimes we forgot that the Empress of Lucite is a devoted role model to three girls. Shauna reminded us of this last night when she dropped one of her daughters off to visit her father Lorenzo Lamas at a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Since Shauna has no feeling in most of her body parts, she didn't notice when her "Total Eclipse of the Nipple" popped out of the crocheted doily she was wearing as a dress. When Shauna finally realized her nipple was assuming the elegant position, she simply smiled for the cameras, because she was so happy to share her beauty with the world.

And what kind of message does this send to her daughter? It tells her daughter to always wear turtlenecks when she goes out in public and to run for the nearest police station if a plastic surgeon ever gets near her. See! Shauna really is an amazing role model.

The Empress of Lucite is currently basking in the glory of her soon-to-be-released masterpiece sex tape, and look who has crawled out from under her trough to try to snatch away Shauna's spotlight. Shauna's ex-stepdaughter Shayne Lamas, who is currently whoring out her own reality show, felt the need to blast The Empress of Lucite in a statement to TMZ. Basically, Shayne pulled down her bloomers, squatted, and then shit all over a delicate rose. This is a crime against nature. Plug your nose, stroke your lucite and read what Shayne had to say:

"It's no shock that Shauna basically gave her seal of approval on the tape. She will probably try to get producing and directing credit as well. I hear it's pretty hardcore and she does all her own stunts too!

There has never really been much of a difference between Shauna and a blowup doll... Cheap, mostly plastic and a head full of air. She is pure trash."

Normally, being called "pure trash" is the highest of compliments, but I have a feeling Shayne didn't mean it that way. Shayne better watch her tongue, because fucking with Shauna is like fucking with GOD himself! One day, Shayne will wake up with her tongue attached to her asshole. And without a tongue she won't be able to eat deep-fried Twinkies or nibble on hard peen.

And just for record-keeping purposes, here's what Shayne's stunning mother looks like:

Shayne's cunty comments are funny since her mom Michele looks like a Shrinky Dink version of Shauna dipped in formaldehyde. Every scientist will confirm that Michele is definitely 100% potent trash. And that's a compliment.

The Empress of Lucite has raised her white flag and declared that she will no longer fight the release of a sex tape starring her. Shauna Sand was going to go to battle with Vivid Entertainment, but has said that a lawsuit will cost too much, so she has given her blessing for the tape to see the light of the internet. Besides, the Empress of Lucite makes love (on camera....for money....and publicity), NOT WAR!

This means that the Gone with the Wind of fuck videos will be released sometime this week. This also means that I need to make an appointment with the free clinic so that they can check my vitals before I expose my heart to Shauna's coronary-inducing elegance in action. I will probably have to watch it through a tiny hole in a piece of paper while a defibrillator pad is up my no-no, because I don't think I'll be able to deal with it in all its whory glory.

And Richard Heene needs to take notes, because this is how a publicity stunt is done (not really).

The Empress of Lucite is pure of heart so she doesn't notice her so-called friend attacking her with a vicious side-eye. Shauna's friend obviously doesn't know that throwing a shank eye towards the Patron Saint of Elegance has serious consequences. Not only will a pair of exquisite lucite heels refuse to ever touch your feet, but there's a good chance your eyes will stay that way. Imagine having a permanent case of side-eye?! You wouldn't ever be able to look at a peen while you're sucking on it. That would be terrible.

Here's Shauna gliding through the streets of Hollywood last night. Fun fact: Shauna's necklace was brought to her by the angels who told her it was a gift from Coco Chanel herself. When Coco first laid eyes upon Shauna, she was so touched by her beauty that she cried a million tears which created this necklace. Truth!

This week, I won't be spending any money on booze, Twinkies, porn, "massages," anal bleaching, bikini waxes or the good shit (I don't mean that last one). That's because I will need all the coins I get my hands on to spend on the most important auction of ALL auctions! This auction is so important that it even has its own trailer!

The Empress of Lucite has announced that she is giving the world another amazing gift by letting us peons bid on her personal works of art. The auction, which will be held on the ultra-exclusive website known as eBay, will start on October 23rd. The items will include bikinis, pairs of pantyhose, posters and LUCITE HEEEEEEEEELS! Yes, exquisite lucite heels that touched her royal feet. My tinsel Christmas tree will look beyond elegant with a pair of an angel's lucite heels sitting on top.

This is our chance to own a piece of history (along with a few hard-to-get STDs). If I can't pay rent this month, I will tell my landlord that GOD himself (aka The Empress of Lucite's baby voice) ordered to me to spend every last cent on Shauna's masterpieces. If he tries to evict me, I will sue him for religious discrimination. Or something.

VIA Heyman Hustle (Thanks Livia)

The holy bible of sex tapes was supposed to be released to the world today, but it has been pushed back a week due to the Empress of Lucite claiming she never authorized its release. That means you get another full week of eyesight, because once you watch it, you will be blinded by the high-levels of elegance dripping out of her lucite flower. And really, you wouldn't need your eyeballs anymore anyway, because you will never ever witness anything so beautiful again. So it's best that your eyeballs go out with a BANG!

Anyway, TMZ says that Vivid Entertainment swears that Shauna Sand signed a release allowing the tape to see the light of day. However, Shauna is calling the pimps at Vivid of bunch of liars, because she says she never signed it. So Vivid is bringing in a handwriting expert to examine Shauna's signature and declare it authentic.

They shouldn't bring in a handwriting expert, they should bring in a scientist! The real Shauna Sand only signs her name in lucite and angel cum. And if the signature doesn't sparkle in the dark and cause a choir of angels to sing her name, then it's not real.

Start digging my grave and polishing my coffin made out of lucite, because I think I'm about to drop the fuck dead! TMZ gave me a serious case of the vapors by announcing that a Shauna Sand sex tape is about to hit the world! It's going to be the Sistine Chapel of sex tapes! HOLY LUCITE!

On October 19th, the second coming of Jesus (HELL, HERE I COME!) will arrive in the form of a sex tape starring The Empress of Lucite and her current boyfriend. Vivid Entertainment will put it out, but Shauna is trying to stop it from seeing the light of day. Shauna issued this statement:

"Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I've made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn't sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now."

Shauna knows that the world cannot handle seeing her in all her glory! I mean, imagine Shauna doing sexy times while wearing a pair of exquisite heels. It will cause mass hysteria! Souls will explode, genitals will burst and millions of pairs of exquisite lucite heels will melt! The Empress of Lucite cares about mankind and she's trying to protect us!

Just thinking about it is giving me heart, soul and no-no palpitations.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: And now there's a trailer. I had to watch it with a defibrillator pad up my ass, because it was almost too much for me to bear. (Not safe for those with a weak heart) Click here to see it. And in case you're wondering why it looks so professionally lit, it's because the light from Shauna Sand's lucite oyster shines bright!

Many say (okay, just me) that the sheer existence of The Empress of Lucite is the greatest act of charity that the world has ever known! So the painfully-elegant Shauna Sand going out in public should be enough to award her every Nobel Peace Prize for the rest of our days, but she managed to top herself by giving a dollar to a man in a wheelchair.

If you told me that as soon as Shauna handed over that lucite-blessed dollar, the man jumped out of his chair, ran to the nearest liquor store, bought a lottery ticket, won millions of dollars, met a supermodel and then married her, I'd believe you. Yes, even though Shauna was not wearing her exquisite lucite heels, the power of lucite still lives within her!

And Shauna needs to quickly check her whore, because methinks he's trying to outdo her in the "glamorous and gorgeous" department. There can only be one most beautiful woman in the world and that's Shauna!

The Eiffel Tower was extra sparkly last night, because Shauna Sand clicked her exquisite lucite heels three times and was magically transported from Los Angeles to France! The Empress of Lucite was there, because President Sarkozy realized he made a major mistake by marrying Carla Bruni and asked Shauna to be the new First Lady of France. The true First Lady of France. It's what history intended. NO! The Empress of Lucite was in the city of lights, because her estranged husband Romain (the beauty hater) is on the French version of Big Brother called Secret Story.

While in the house, Shauna's ex has been slapping his buttery skin baguette all over Angie, a ho some bitches think is a Shauna look-alike. I'm sorry, but if the angels don't weep when you pucker your lips and mortal men don't kill themselves when you don't glance their way, you cannot be compared to The Empress of Lucite. No way.

Shauna was there with her new boyfriend, Antoine (who may or may not be a 4-year-old weasel with bad mange), to tell Romain that she has moved on. And Shauna tells him this in fluent French!!!! You haven't really heard the French language until it has passed through Shauna's elegant lips. I think every French speaking slut immediately went mute, because they knew they could never make the French language sound as eloquent or beautiful as Shauna does. It's like I'm gently being butt fucked by a croissant. Pure poetry. Somewhere in heaven, Victor Hugo just cut off his tongue.

Below is a translation from my friend Chloe of Shauna's conversation with Romain:

Host: Do you hear me? Romain, Angie, hello again!
Angie and Romain : Hey!
Host: Oh, you're cute! I've got someone special to introduce you to. She wanted to talk to you. She made a long travel. She comes from LA.
Romain: Ooh la la!
Angie: Gosh! She looks like me!
Shauna: Hello.
Romain: Hello.
Shauna: How are you?
Romain: Fine and you?
Shauna: Fine. Are you having fun?
Romain: Yes it's nice, and you?
Shauna: Haha.
Angie: She looks like me (Ed. note: Bitch, slap yourself for that!)
Romain : It's huge
Angie: I thought it was me... modified! (Ed. note: BITCH, stop it now!)
Shauna: Yes I'm having fun!
Romain: It's cool then.
Host: Shauna made the trip from LA to talk to you and to make up with you. She has something to tell you tonight
Shauna: Yes, i wanted to introduce you to Antoine.
Romain: I know him, we already met.
Angie: Hey Shauna, I'm glad to meet you.
Shauna: Me too. Pleased to meet you, Angie.
Angie: You're beautiful.
Shauna : You too.
Romain: I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend, Angie.
Host: So everything is ok. I'll let you gather around for a nice dinner! Thanks for coming to France. Thank you Shauna. Thank you Antoine!

Unfortunately, Shauna did not destroy Angie by simply flipping her hair. No. Shauna has the heart of a million Care Bears, so she would never do that. She couldn't even a hurt a fly. Even if the fly is the gutter tramp version of her.