Shauna Sand

The Eiffel Tower was extra sparkly last night, because Shauna Sand clicked her exquisite lucite heels three times and was magically transported from Los Angeles to France! The Empress of Lucite was there, because President Sarkozy realized he made a major mistake by marrying Carla Bruni and asked Shauna to be the new First Lady of France. The true First Lady of France. It's what history intended. NO! The Empress of Lucite was in the city of lights, because her estranged husband Romain (the beauty hater) is on the French version of Big Brother called Secret Story.

While in the house, Shauna's ex has been slapping his buttery skin baguette all over Angie, a ho some bitches think is a Shauna look-alike. I'm sorry, but if the angels don't weep when you pucker your lips and mortal men don't kill themselves when you don't glance their way, you cannot be compared to The Empress of Lucite. No way.

Shauna was there with her new boyfriend, Antoine (who may or may not be a 4-year-old weasel with bad mange), to tell Romain that she has moved on. And Shauna tells him this in fluent French!!!! You haven't really heard the French language until it has passed through Shauna's elegant lips. I think every French speaking slut immediately went mute, because they knew they could never make the French language sound as eloquent or beautiful as Shauna does. It's like I'm gently being butt fucked by a croissant. Pure poetry. Somewhere in heaven, Victor Hugo just cut off his tongue.

Below is a translation from my friend Chloe of Shauna's conversation with Romain:

Host: Do you hear me? Romain, Angie, hello again!
Angie and Romain : Hey!
Host: Oh, you're cute! I've got someone special to introduce you to. She wanted to talk to you. She made a long travel. She comes from LA.
Romain: Ooh la la!
Angie: Gosh! She looks like me!
Shauna: Hello.
Romain: Hello.
Shauna: How are you?
Romain: Fine and you?
Shauna: Fine. Are you having fun?
Romain: Yes it's nice, and you?
Shauna: Haha.
Angie: She looks like me (Ed. note: Bitch, slap yourself for that!)
Romain : It's huge
Angie: I thought it was me... modified! (Ed. note: BITCH, stop it now!)
Shauna: Yes I'm having fun!
Romain: It's cool then.
Host: Shauna made the trip from LA to talk to you and to make up with you. She has something to tell you tonight
Shauna: Yes, i wanted to introduce you to Antoine.
Romain: I know him, we already met.
Angie: Hey Shauna, I'm glad to meet you.
Shauna: Me too. Pleased to meet you, Angie.
Angie: You're beautiful.
Shauna : You too.
Romain: I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend, Angie.
Host: So everything is ok. I'll let you gather around for a nice dinner! Thanks for coming to France. Thank you Shauna. Thank you Antoine!

Unfortunately, Shauna did not destroy Angie by simply flipping her hair. No. Shauna has the heart of a million Care Bears, so she would never do that. She couldn't even a hurt a fly. Even if the fly is the gutter tramp version of her.

Earlier I posted the cover of Star magazine with the epitome of elegance on it and now here's the story. You see, Lorenzo Lamas and his chirruns are currently shooting a reality show for E!. Shauna Sand is not a regular on the show, because E! couldn't afford strong enough camera lenses that won't break due to her intense beauty.

In the reality show, which is airing later this year, Lorenzo talks about how he caught his ex-wife Shauna doing sexy times with his son AJ while they were married. AJ was just 18 then and clearly not the hot stick of butter he is now. AJ isn't making my no-no screech in that picture above, but he does kind of like Screech from Saved by the Bell (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!).

One of Lorenzo's friends tells Star that Shauna's scandalous affair with his son is the reason why their marriage ended in 2002. The friend added, "Shauna came on to A.J. It was the ultimate betrayal. Lorenzo had no idea; he was in the dark about the whole thing. He thought Shauna was acting like a mom to A.J. He had no clue that she was his son's lover!"

Lorenzo needs to take a bow and stop being so dramatic! It's not like they are blood related. Shauna was just doing the motherly thing by teaching him the birds and the bees first-hand! Lorenzo should be grateful to Shauna! Being kissed on the genitals by Shauna is just like being blessed by the Pope. And with that, the date on my one-way bus ticket to Hell just got moved up!

Finally, the world is beginning to see that all spotlights should be shining down on the shiniest lucite star in the galaxy: SHAUNA SAND! Yes, the Empress of Lucite should be on the cover of Vogue, but the bottom corner of Star Magazine is a start! Today Star, tomorrow Iraqi Vogue!

I'm still sipping on my iced Sanka in my Underoos, so I haven't gone down to the newsstand yet to read this ESCANDALO article yet. I don't know the details, but Lorenzo Lamas only has one son and this is him:

AJ Lamas probably smells like AXE body spray, Irish Spring and screams "HERE COMES THE PARTY" when he busts a nud, but I'd give his skin tampon a raspberry anytime. So I don't blame Shauna for sticking her lucite heel in his b-hole. You would too.

And in case you're wondering where AJ Lamas gets his gorgeous looks, here's his mother Michelle Smith. Now you know.

This is truly the most stunning family of all-time and forever. They look like they were handcrafted by artisans in Switzerland!

The Empress of Lucite's nipples are as giving as her heart. Yesterday in Miami, Shauna Sand felt that the beach needed some beautifying, so she undid her bikini top and let her lucite balls work their magic. Instantly, the seaweed on the beach disappeared and the water turned lucite blue. Unfortunately, not everyone was pleased to see Shauna's nips. The sand dollars on the beach slid deep into the ocean, because they knew they could not compete with the almighty lucite one's nipples.

Enough of this teasing, Shauna's nipples of wonder are after the jump. I would recommend looking at these pictures through a tiny hole in a piece of paper or you might be blinded by her raw elegance. Actually, I really do think God was inspired by Shauna's nipples when he created the eclipse. JUMP!!!

If you didn't go to Sunday mass yesterday, because you were kind of busy worshiping a god of the porcelain variety, you're in luck! This is your holy experience of the week. Looking into the eyes of the Empress of Lucite is just like having a conversation with God. Strangely enough, it's also like having a conversation with an elegant alien swine. Shauna Sand is not only a religious experience, she's an out-of-this-world experience too.

I mean, Shauna's chest area also looks like the River Jordan flowing in between the holy mountains. It doesn't get more spiritual than that.

Here's more of the Empress of Lucite beautifying the beaches of Miami on Saturday. Bow your heads and let us pray....

The elegant one bestowed her beauty upon Miami yesterday without her exquisite lucite heels on her feet. Even soulmates need a break from each other every now and again. Yes, The Empress of Lucite can still float over the sand with bare feet. We really don't know the half of her powers. Besides, I'm sure her exquisite lucite heels were busy feeding orphans in a third world country or rocking the angels in heaven to sleep.

I'm sure you're wondering (not really) why Shauna Sand always changes her bikini when she's at the beach? Well, the truth is that her rays of elegance burns through mortal-made materials, so she has to change frequently. If she didn't, her bikini would burn off and then thousands of people would be blinded by her sheer beauty. Shauna changes her bikini for the sake of humanity!

If you were in Miami over the holiday weekend, you might have noticed extra-sparkly particles of glitter floating in the air. No, it wasn't only cocaine. It was also the lucite dust that floats off of Shauna Sand whenever she glides above the sand.

The Empress of Lucite and her purse handler (who looks like he can't believe it's not butter) spent their Memorial Day beautifying the beaches of Miami. Bette Midler would be so proud. Note to all cities: If you want your beach to make the world's most beautiful list, invite Shauna Sand. When Shauna's exquisite lucite heel starts floating above the sand, every piece of garbage will throw itself into a trash can (humans included) and seaweed will slither back into the ocean.

And every scientist on the planet should immediately travel to Miami and gather up the sand the Empress of Lucite's heel touched, because it definitely holds major healing properties now. One snort of Shauna-blessed sand will suddenly make the un-elegant....ELEGANT!

Even exquisite lucite heels need a day off from spreading glamour to the world. The Empress of Lucite glided through the streets of Los Angeles yesterday without her best friends at her feet. The always-elegant Shauna Sand is still killing hos with her high levels of beauty and sophistication even without her lucite heels! Shortly after the picture above was taken, the car behind her turned into a pile of dust! Hos better grab on to her luscious hair as she takes them to the heavens!

As much as I am happy to see Shauna without that lucite-hating husband, who is this foolio with her? The dude looks like his first love is a flattening iron and his second love is a schweaty b-hole. Where does lucite fall on that list? This is the question.

Here's The Empress and her lube-haired lovah bringing carrot juice to hongray orphans in L.A. yesterday.

Why can't a lucite and crystal Pegasus swoop down from the sky and carry The Empress of Lucite off to a sparkly lucite kingdom in the sky where she will be safe from that beauty-hating monster who is always attacking her pristine face?

Earlier this month, Shauna Sand's husband, Romain Chavent, was arrested after he choked her fragile neck with his beastly hands! Shauna got away from him, but not for long. TMZ says that Romain recently bit her naturally luscious lips so hard that she popped and deflated. Shauna finally got a restraining order against him. TMZ says that in the papers The Empress of Lucite states that Romain "bit my lips as hard as he could, holding me down for 10 seconds, causing severe bleeding and cuts to my lips. He then spit the blood and skin back at me." Romain then held her down "suffocating me with his hands over my nose and mouth for 20 minutes."

How is Romain not marinating on death row?! A crime against Shauna is a crime against us all!

The Empress of Lucite should really go back to Lorenzo Lamas. He treated her like the beautiful lucite flower she is. They were the romance of their time! The stars and the moon aligned when they were in love. If they reunited, wars would end, children would stop crying and the world would be a wonderful place again.

The Empress of Lucite spent her Easter afternoon with her girls and a fellow elegant beauty at Millions of Milkshakes where she launched her own milkshake. No, that's not milkshake in Shauna's mouth in the picture above. Right before this picture was taken, Shauna caught a glimpse of herself in the glass and her mouth jizzed itself at her stunning gorgeousness. Yes, even Shauna's mouth still can't control itself when faced with such high levels of elegance.

Shauna wasn't only there to make a creampie, she also wanted to speak out about her recent domestic abuse situation. As you may know, a hideous monster who hates all things beautiful attacked our Empress. This isn't the first time, but it will be the last! That's what Shauna says. And she also has a message to all women who are involved in an abusive relationship. The Empress can help with her elegant words and factual statistics. Shauna cared so much about delivering this important public service announcement that she forgot to put on actual clothes before she left the house, but she is still the epitome of class and refinement.

Here's more pictures of Shauna and one of her courtesan making her signature milkshake yesterday.