Shauna Sand

A whisper of a lucite rainbow breezed into the pumpkin patch in West Hollywood yesterday with her daughter and manservant of the moment. Those are the luckiest pumpkins in the world. They probably fucking turned into lucite carriages when she left. The mice around the patch all fell into comas from being in the presence of such extraordinary elegance! I swear, I just want to shrink myself down and spend the rest of eternity in one of her exquisite lucite heels.

The elegant natural beauty known as Shauna Sand was once again out with her daughters yesterday. The work of a mother goddess is never done. Shauna took her daughters to the pumpkin patch to probably pick out sizes for their new boobs. She's a hands on kind of mother.

The Empress of Lucite glided into the pumpkin patch looking like the Virgin Mary returning to the manger. Every step Shauna took with her exquisite lucite heels, the hay burned beneath her. It couldn't handle her holiness. She had to leave after a few minutes because the pumpkins couldn't handle her raw beauty and they started shaking in her presence.

I'm sure Tori the Hutt wasn't thrilled with the Empress making an appearance at the pumpkin patch. Shauna's gorgeousness only emphasizes the fact that Tori is one homely hag! She probably killed a few pumpkin's with her fugly mug. Yes, I'm taking my hangover out on her.

Others at the only pumpkin patch in Los Angeles where celebrity whores are allowed included Tori the Hutt's creepy husband, Marcia Cross and Spider-Man.

We already know that the Empress of Lucite is one of the most elegant and gorgeous creatures in the universe. We are well aware that her sophisticated and luxurious fashion sense rivals Coco Chanel. And it goes without saying that her exquisite lucite heels makes Swarovski products look like disposable GladWare containers. We know all these things, but sometimes we forget that Shauna Sand is an adoring mother. We forget this because Shauna isn't flaunting the fact that she's a mother goddess on the cover of W Magazine. She's demure and keeps some things sacred. A true inspiration to all mothers.

Below is the mother of the century taking her children to a medical center in Beverly Hills for their first boob jobs. She always wants the best for them. I'm kidding about the boob job part..... I think.

The Empress of Lucite should change her name to the Saint of Lucite. She has devoted her life to helping others less fortune than her. Take last night for example. The always pristine and elegant Shauna Sand was out with some ho who goes by the name of Taylor Wayne. Taylor is a performer in adult films. And by "performer" I mean she gets paid to put dicks in her pussy and asshole.

I know you're wondering why a sophisticated creature like our Empress would fraternize with a common gutter slut. The thing is, Shauna is not like you and me. She doesn't judge others and she has a selfless heart. She has taken Taylor under her wing and showing her the way of the lucite. As you can see, Taylor isn't wearing full exquisite lucite heels. She's not ready for their power yet. She's taking baby lucite steps.

Shauna Sand is changing the world one exquisite lucite heel at a time.

Yesterday, the Ivy rolled out the royal carpet for the Empress of Lucite and that piece of trash Prince Von A-Hole. The always gracious and elegant Shauna Sand allowed that bag of hot donut sweat to bestow her with some cheap lingerie. Being the kind soul that she is, Shauna accepted Prince Von A-Hole's gifts with a beautiful smile. But we all know that the minute she puts on that sleazy shit, her celestial skin will melt it off. The Empress of Lucite is much too pure for tawdry shit like that! Only the finest shit from Paris belongs on her skin.

I'm a little worried for her, though. She didn't wear her exquisite lucite heels yesterday, which means her powers weren't as strong. This is probably why Prince Von A-Hole was able to touch her without his greasy paws getting burned by her blistering elegance.

Here's more of the natural beauty with a nasty beast on Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles yesterday.

After this picture was taken, several hos around the Empress of Lucite were rushed to the free clinic and treated for severe exposure to concentrated elegance. Once again, Shauna Sand has no idea the power she wields. One air kiss from Shauna is enough to put you into a deep coma where you'll only dream of lucite and Wet 'n' Wild lip gloss.

Here's the most famous pair of exquisite lucite heels on the planet with their gorgeous owner at a National Lampoon party the other night. Oh and Holly Madison was there too. She made the mistake of posing next to perfection. That's one of the first things they teach you in modeling school. Never pose next to Shauna Sand!

We already know that the Empress of Lucite can float on sand, bring flowers back to life and cause angels to faint, but did you know that she's also a phenomenal actress? A true thespian. Above is a clip from her STARRING role on "Renegade" in the late 90s. The clip starts out as a brokedown porn movie, but it all changes when the luscious and elegant Shauna Sand comes on the screen. It's like Bette Davis has come back to life in the form of the most gorgeous woman in the world. The starts out as something out of a dime store Skinemax flick. It quickly changes to a scene from "Now, Voyager." The emotion! The layers!

It's obvious why Shauna isn't one of the most celebrated actress of our times. Actors and actress who are made of hate don't want to share the stage or screen with someone that will make them look like acting school drop-outs. It's really a curse being Shauna Sand.

Here's the always ravishing Shauna wearing her exquisite lucite heels while feeding the children in some third-world country last night.

Sand floating on sand! Only the Empress of Lucite has the power to walk on sand in exquisite lucite heels. Notice how the people around her are in awe of her powers (not really, but go with me on this one)? I'm sure she can walk on water with them too. With exquisite lucite heels on her feet, she can do anything!

The always elegant Shauna Sand brought a whole lot of glamour and beauty to the beaches of Miami this past weekend. I'm sure the emergency rooms were filled with peons who went into cardiac arrest from being that close to Shauna's extreme elegance. Even the dolphins in the ocean bowed before her. Shit, even the sharks curtsied. If you look close enough you can see the crabs in her precious oyster the sand crying because they are in the presence of greatness.

Seriously, her daughter is the luckiest little girl in the world. Even Shiloh Jolie-Pitt jealous.

Oh. My. God. I am seriously hyperventilating over these gorgeous pictures of The Empress of Lucite in her royal garb last night! She even wore the official royal ribbon over her exquisite lucite heels.

Just when I think there's no way she can outdo herself in the "elegant" department, she does. Webster's dictionary owes it to the world to change the meaning of the word elegant to simply "Shauna Sand." The word should only be used to describe Shauna and nothing else!

Last night, Shauna took off her royal coochie cutters outside of Foxtail in West Hollywood. Shauna, being the saint that she is, probably decided to do the lovely people of Los Angeles a gift by cleaning up the air with her beautifully scented vagina. Her chocha probably smells like a million Little Tree air fresheners. No, her chocha is like a fucking Febreze factory.

These pictures of Shauna will dance in my dreams tonight. Here's more of her last night and also getting her nails done earlier in the day. They probably used liquid rubies to paint her nails.

No, not really. Shauna Sand is perfect. She doesn't die. She's immortal! When all of us are gone, the only things that will remain on this planet are Pop Rocks and the elegant creature known as The Empress of Lucite.

Shauna and her trick, we'll call him MK's Rival for now, were involved in a minor car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday. It's obvious what happened. The other driver was blinded by Shauna's beauty and he lost control of the car, slamming into her. Shauna, please stay inside! Your beauty is a danger to us all! The world isn't equipped to handle it!

Shauna wasn't wearing her exquisite lucite heels, so she really could have been injured. Her powers weaken without them!

Here's more of Shauna with her girls and MK's rival in Beverly Hills yesterday. And how dare that security guard man stare at Shauna that way! He looks like he's about to jump her! Look at him. He can't help himself!