Glamour

Rose Byrne will probably find herself leaning against the number one on everybody's Worst Dressed of the SAG Awards list, but that's only because some people just don't understand the power of an Ann Jillian bob paired with a disco onesie covered with clear aquarium rocks. Almost every woman at the SAGs last night looked like she fished her gown out of the same pile the desperate hos on The Bachelor get their dresses. Boring after boring after boring, but then Rose Byrne took me higher and made my nostrils twitch when she came out looking like Elvira Hancock from Scarface after getting twisted up in a roll of bubble wrap. I only wish that Rose would've turned up her "brown haired Elvira Hancock" look all the way by only agreeing to pose for pictures in a glass elevator. Seriously, nothing is better than watching Michelle Pfeiffer gracefully ride a glass elevator down ONE flight. Cokehead laziness never looked so glamorous.

Here's more of Rose as well as some of her Bridesmaids co-stars including Melissa McCarthy, Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig. "It needs a velvet choker" is a line I overused in the 90s when my friends would ask me how their outfit looked, but that ugly ass choker on Kristen looks like a leather daddy's version of a neckbrace.

During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:

1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it's pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.

2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor's yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!

The moral of the story is, you really can't trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.

via Buzzfeed

You can tell your prostate to stop poppin'. I can hear it from here. It can calm itself, because there's enough of Harald Glööckler (known in heaven as THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE ON PLANET EARTH) to go around forever. No, Harald is really going to last forever, because I read in some scientific journal that he was born when scientists unfroze a cryogenically frozen Liberace using Adam Lambert's naturally sweetened ass syrup and the clarified blood of Nosferatu.

Harald launched his newest musical masterpiece "Pompoeoes" (that's German for "Poochie Queefs") in Berlin on Thursday and I don't know what his nightingale yodeling sounds like, but just thinking about it gives me the sensation of twin peen-shaped clouds spooning my eardrums.

To celebrate one of the most important events in music history, Harald slipped on his finest coat made from a rare creature called polyester, put on every single piece of jewelry from Ring Pops' exclusive black label collection and asked four toddlers to doodle on his face with glitter pens until he looked like he was on the RIGHT end of a Care Bear bukkake. The result is the look I was going for when I played with my mom's makeup shoebox as a child. Harald should really teach a class on how to play dress up with your mom's shit the right way.

Glamour seriously took a holiday on Harald's face.

The noun "glamour" and the name "JLo" go together like Skeletor and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night. They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she's a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so "made from the earth" next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.

If 100% of the %1 looked like this, bitches wouldn't be pissed at all!

This is the sch in my nitzel, Harald Glööckler (government name: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GNOME CREATURE IN THE WORLD!!!!), exuding luxuriousness and seeping out potent opulence from his pores at the Berlin launch of his new gold dinnerware that is so damn expensive you're going to receive an invoice in the mail for just looking at pictures of it.

Harald could pay my electricity bill just by kissing the ConEd envelope and leaving a print of his crushed ruby lipstick on it. Harald ups the value of a piece of toilet paper by 10,000% just by rubbing his golden glazed orifice on it. Just look at Harald sitting around poor peons while wearing every jewel from QVC of the Nile and there's not one bodyguard protecting him. If one of his priceless jewels gets snatched, he'll just fart out another one.

I bet Harald was a Sweet Secrets Doll in his past life. Bitch IS luxury. Fancy isn't even a fancy enough word to describe this. The Evil Queen can give up her throne to Harald now, because he stole her look and gave it the diamante-encrusted glamour it needed.

No, this is not the creature that bloomed out when someone watered one of Snooki's bump-its with the blood of Pennywise. This is Melissa McCarthy from Mike & Molly, Glimore Girls and Bridesmaids working a pair of Down Jones eyebrows and widow's peak lipstick as Divine in Pink Flamingos for Entertainment Weekly. This is just a whole lot of Xtravaganzaaaaa in red latex and a whole lot of YES!!!!

I really hope that whoever watches Mike & Molly sees this, Googles "Divine" and then watches all of the classic dog shit eating scene. Because the Mike & Molly audience really needs more of "Divine eating dog shit in Pink Flamingos" in their lives. That shit (literally, this time) will give them something to talk about over a meatloaf dinner.

And here's another shot co-starring Pandora Boxx and Mimi Imfurst from RuPaul's Drag Race:

First Angelyne and then this? The glamour trifecta must be completed, so excuse me while I refresh the photo agency websites and hope that pictures of Shauna Sand teasing Courtney Stodden's meth weave with a neon pink comb come up. I'm knocking a piece of wood with my crossed fingers while throwing a four leaf clover over my shoulder. Or however the fuck the superstition goes.

This gold diamond beauty may have the face of a perfect glamorous angel whose air kisses taste like lip liner and money, but she has the heart of an ice-blooded evil monster. Patrizia Gucci was sentenced to 29 years in prison back in the 90s after she successfully ordered the hit of her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci, heir to the Gucci fortune, because she wanted more alimony. Patrizia is up for parole and when she went in front of the board at San Vittore jail in Milan, she said something that is the hottest and yet cuntiest thing I've heard today.

"No thanks as it would mean getting a job and I have never worked a day in my life. I would prefer to stay in my cell and water my plants and take care of my ferret."

I don't know whether to slap that crazy bitch or slap myself for loving her.

via Daily Mail

Jennifer Hudson got on the bad side of Michael Jackson's spirit by pulling out of his tribute concert due to "production problems" after collecting her check, and the audience ran to the exit out of fear when Xtina dropped to the stage looking like Jabba the Drunk Slutt that will suck, fuck and eat everything in its path, but the show was saved by the luminescent goddess angel that is LA TOYA JACKSON!

Looking like an X-ray that got exposed too soon, Detective La Toya got to the bottom of GLAMOUR and TALENT in Wales at last night's hot wreck of a Michael Jackson Tribute Concert which was less of a tribute concert and more of another way of making money off of Michael Jackson. But I'm not mad, because if it didn't happen then Toy Toy would've never covered the stage with layers of exquisite perfection as she hypnotized the eyes of thousands with her natural born talent while wearing a jacket with gigantic bedazzled butt plugs on the shoulders. Or maybe those were rhinestone-encrusted candy corn tops, which would explain why Xtina tried to mount one while licking on the other.

The Jackson children were also there last night and if you need an official review of this tribute concert, you'll find the best one in Blanket's side-eye.

As John Travolta kept wigs off of his head and fries in his mouth on the West Coast, Aretha Franklin showed him how a queen really does it by wearing a wig made of seasoned curly fries on top of her head in NYC. You should be bowing to Queen Aretha's "Goldilocks ate the Three Bears" look the same way her magnificent chichis are bowing down to the halo of golden ringlets hovering carefully above her hairline.

I bet every damn fashion designer showing at Fashion Week is heeling themselves straight in the taint (it can be done with stretching and squatting) for not matching their models' hair to their necklaces the way Aretha did. When supposed "fashion icon" Kate Middleton wears a necklace of mouse fur dipped in dishwater, you know where she it got from. ALL HAIL!

Disclaimer: The views, opinions or positions expressed by Joan Henrietta Collins are hers alone, and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or positions of Dlisted.com even though they probably should since Joan Collins is a personal glamourssiah of Dlisted.com's, but I don't want to get my nostrils torn out by my Japanese uncle's pocket knife when I call him a "Chinaman" and I don't want my cousin to karate chop my adam's apple when I call her an "orca-sized oaf."

There's a lot of dusty opinions under Joan Collins' exquisite wig and she let some of them out when talking to the Daily Mail about her new memoirs. Joan's head is usually filled with diamond dust and champagne bubbles, but it's also filled with the image of a fat person trying to use the toilet on a plane and the image of Warren Beatty failing to make her oyster push out a pearl. Joan straightened her wig, raised her nose, pulled up her fan and let these out:

On ladies dressing like Kurt Cobain: "I don’t do grunge. Any woman over a certain age should not be grungy. You must make yourself look the way you would like the world to think about you."

On how only Justin Bieber should wear a shift dress: "All women look awful in shift dresses, even Nicole Kidman. You’ve gotta be totally titless for them to work."

On still using the term "chinaman" to describe Asians: "Apparently that is rude and I am supposed to say Asian. Gah. Since when? ‘Look. I know that people will blame me for pontificating about things that an actress shouldn’t, but I have something to say, something that I think a lot of people will agree with. Things that they might be frightened to say because it is politically incorrect to do so."

On her calling fat people "orca-sized oafs from planet girth" means she hates them: ‘ "Loathe fat people? Did that come across? I certainly don’t admire them. They are digging their graves with their own teeth. I think to be terribly overweight is incredibly unhealthy. And how do they get into a tiny lavatory on a plane? I feel sorry for them, I do."

On if it's true that she and Warren Beatty wet humped each other 7 times a day: "Maybe he did, but I just lay there."

On how she was date raped by her first husband Maxwell Reed: "He took me to a place called the Country Club in Hanover Square. We walked up lots of stairs to a small, candle-lit apartment where he asked me what I wanted to drink and gave me a rum and Coke. It was a Mickey Finn. I was drugged. You must think I am a moron. Oh, this is such a horrible story. He said: 'I am going to have a bath,' which I thought was very strange. He then said: 'Take a look at this book, I think you will find it interesting.' ‘Of course, it was full of disgusting, pornographic photographs. Now, any smart girl today would have got out of there and run down those stairs faster than a speeding bullet, but not little innocent, stupid Joan Collins, who stayed there and looked at the book. The next thing I knew, I was on the sofa and that was it. Then I was throwing up into a bucket."

On politics today: "I feel very pessimistic about the world, I really do. Where are the leaders? Where is our Franklin Roosevelt, or our Winston Churchill? Maggie Thatcher and Ronald Reagan were fantastic, particularly Maggie. We haven’t got anyone like that."

Joan has more natural diva bitchiness in her 24k kunt than JLo has in her entire orca-sized oaf body. When we're all Joan's age, may we all be offensive, fuck deficient and a straight up bitch in a champagne flute like her. Joan does not even give a Crystal Carrington fuck that saying all that shit just earned her a place on the long bus ride to purgatory where she'll be surrounded by an Asian man, a fat bitch and Warren Beatty's dick.