Glamour

Albert Finney can take off the wig, because the role of Susan Boyle in the movie version of her life is close to being snatched up by none-other-than Catherine Zeta-Jones! That's what the Daily Mail claims anyway. They say that CZJ is trying to buy the rights to Susan's life story. The Daily Mail could've made that all up just so they could create this work of high-art that belongs in the museum of non-stop laughs.

CZJ should give Michael Douglas an extra kiss on his prune lips tonight, because if it wasn't for him this is exactly what she would look like today without all that money. This was your future, CZJ!

Jodie Marsh, the pristine beauty with a vagina that smells like fresh English roses on a Spring morning, has magically turned back into a heterosexual after "turning lesbian" a few months ago. You know, I think Jodie has always been a fucksexual. Meaning, she will fuck anything: dudes, chicks, back alley rodents, Fanta bottles, discarded turkeyburger meat, futons, sporks, Beta S cartridges, Babybel cheese and (insert everything that exists in the world today here). Jodie is an equal-opportunity fucker. She has a lot of love (and coochie diseases) to give! This is why I will always adore her. I would share a pot of tea and a dick with her anytime.

Here's Jodie with her new piece Ryan Fleming at the opening of some free clinic or whorehouse in Ireland last night. Jodie is looking demure as ever in a sophisticated ensemble that I believe Queen Elizabeth wore to her birthday ball a few days ago. Extreme elegance ahead. Proceed with caution.

Who is responsible for this dark-sided fuckery right here? Off with their head and throw it into a wicker basket! Obviously, nobody briefed The First Lady of Camerooon, Chantal Biya, that she was posing next to thee most diseased and disgusting boils on humanity's asshole. Although, Chantal is giving Wonky McValtrex the "My private lion den is starting to itch and you're to blame" side-eye, so she might know what's up. Camer-ooooouch.

Poor Chantal. Think of all the crotch maggots that have crawled out of Wonky's acid-spewing black hole and made their way into Chantal's luscious mane of wonder. Chantal better stop by Hazmat to cleanse herself of Wonky's stank before she makes her way back to Africa.

Here's the most glamorous woman in the world and the most wretched piece of trash in the world at The First Ladies of Africa event in Beverly Hills last night. I mean, what in pussy rotting Hell was Wonky doing there?

Jerry O'Connell isn't exactly the most fascinating or glamorous dude in all the land and I know why. His parents kept all the glamour for themselves! Feast your eyes on them! Why doesn't Jerry bring them to the house more often? They should go everywhere he goes, because they actually make him look more interesting than a plate of steamed jicama.

Can you imagine spending time with them at their house? It would be like taking a hit of acid and then reading a Ghost World comic while an Alfred Hitchcock movie plays in the background. All their upholstered furniture is probably covered in plastic. Mrs. O'Connell serves you table crackers and tap water while Mr. O'Connell introduces you to their collection of taxidermy animals wearing glasses. You know they are crazy obsessive about their glasses. Mrs. O'Connell will slap a trick in the mouth if you even think of touching her glasses. I love them and want to party with them. I won't touch their glasses. And you know Mrs. O'C is wearing nipple tassles and a leather g under that coat. Homegirl has a wild side.

How did the tranny frog get the reclusive gaysian unicorn known as Bobby Trendy to come to her stupid ass book party? It must have been an accident. Bobby was probably nearby when he heard his mating call: the click from a camera. It beckoned him to bring a little glamour to this overall fug affair. And I'm glad he did, because otherwise we wouldn't get to see how he reworked the vagina prom dress to make it work for him. Now the fat pink pussy on his chest matches the one on his ass. And is it just me or does Bobby kind of look like a ladyboy version of Phyllis Diller here?

That dumb bitch Kelly Taylor also came out when she should've stayed home with her head in a big bowl of VO5! Bitch's hair looks like Sarah Jessica Parker's next meal. That shit looks highly flammable. One flame is all it takes... Luckily, Jennie didn't stand anywhere near Bobby.

Here's the rest of the whores from last night's dreadful affair including, Kim Kardassian, Preparation H's arch rival Lisa Rinna, Creepy McDermott, Harry Hamlin and Rodney Stranger's twin sister Patti.

Your monitor might be foggy from the extreme amounts of elegance floating off of these pictures. The eyebrows alone can get into any fine restaurant where dozens of admirers will champagne and dine them. This is what sophistication is. And I have feeling that's what got these pristine and refined ladies arrested by the mega H8RS known as the police.

The Las Vegas Review Journal put out a photo spread of the 50 most gorgeous beauties in Las Vegas....who happened to get arrested. What did they do you ask? Basically, they were too beautiful. It's the story of Shauna Sand's life. Assault with elegance! Ravishing ladies have it so hard.

Okay, they were really arrested for whoring it out on the streetd. But it's not what you think! They are all virgins! They know how many eyebrow worshipers there are in the world (i.e. only me), so men from around the world travel to Las Vegas to pay these stunners to stare at their exquisite eyebrows up close. They are being punished for that because the city of Las Vegas really doesn't know how to handle natural beauty, so they cage it up!

This isn't the last we'll see of these gentlewomen. Don't be surprised if you see them on the catwalks of Paris. And by "catwalks of Paris," I mean Rock of Love Bus.

Click here to feast your eyes on all the gorgeousness, but you might want to look at a fugly picture of Wonky McValtrex in between viewings or you might go into cardiac arrest from being exposed to extreme amounts of beauty.

(Thanks to the 10,123,566,345 of you who sent this to me)

Please take a moment to be embraced by the elegant beauty of Phyllis J McGuire. Take it all in. Breathe in the scent of Jean Nate, Fanci-Full Rinse and Mary Kay lipstick.

If I was eve crazy enough (shutit) to take out a full page ad in The Hollywood Reporter wishing myself a happy birthday, I want it to look just like Phyllis'. From her flammable hair to her sweater made from the Easter Bunny's ass hair, it's perfection. And if only Vaseline could stick to my eyeballs, so everything in my world could look as frosty as this.

Seth at Defamer nailed it when he said she looks like "the human equivalent of an Easter Peep." I co-sign that and I pray to the giant pink Aquanet can in the sky that Phyllis is in my Easter basket this year.

It's no surprise that Phyllis, who is one of The McGuire Sisters and used to bang Sam Giancana back in the day, has made history as the recipent of the largest flower delivery. Bitch got like 12,000 roses.

And you also should really go to her website. Experience it......

P.S. - Do you think Phyllis has copyrighted "The Woman, The Myth, The Legend," because I really want that on my tombstone.

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.

At this second, this is the most glamorous and gorgeous woman on my monitor. Yes, I know after a few mouse clicks, I'll be saying the same thing about another broad, but let's not think about that right now. Let's live in this moment and gaze deep into Claudia Cardinale's stunning eyebrows. I must also mention her immaculate lip liner which goes perfectly with her beautiful roasted corn teeth. THIS is a woman.

I am not familiar with this ravishing creature, so I sashayed on over to Wikipedia and entered in her name. After the words "GORGEOUS BEAUTY" popped up in huge shiny letters, I read on and learned that she's an Italian actress who was in 8 1/2. Hmmm. I bet she knows Sophia Loren. And I bet they ARCH rivals. They stand across the room from each other at parties, slowly arching their beautiful eyebrows at each other. An eyebrow duel to the finish.

Here's the Jewel of Tunisia with some jolly pepaw and "Lambertz Monday Night party" at Alter Wartesaal - inside
Cologne, Germany - 02.02.09')" onmouseout="UnTip()">Jacqueline Bisset at a party in Germany last night. I'm serious. The eyebrows. I can't breathe.

Ever since I was a lil' homo growing up in Los Angeles, I have felt a bond with Angelyne. She basically has the life I was meant to live. I mean, all she does is drive around in a pink Corvette, post billboards of her ass all over the city, wear clothes she finds discarded in dumpsters and well....that's it. Oh and she was in the most important movie of 1988: Earth Girls Are Easy. It really doesn't get better than that. AND she's a connoisseur of fine dining, because she goes to 7-Eleven! That's where the paparazzi caught up with her. Angelyne greeted him by offering him a soda. And by "offering" I mean she threw it at his ass.

Then she covered her beautiful face with a coffee filter and told him he was "in big trouble" because she was going to call 911. Being batshit crazy never looked so glamorous.

Angelyne IS Los Angeles. But don't say that in front of other natives. I did that one time and they threatened to take away my In-N-Out privileges.