Glamour

I've never been one of those whores who dry heave at the sight of bare feet, but I know some skanks who do. I knew some broad who in high school who would seriously start gagging every time she saw a completely bare foot. She could handle if it was in a flip flop, but not if it was just hanging out naked by itself. This bitch had a bad case of foot phobia. She couldn't even fuck a dude unless he wore socks! I asked her once, "Well, would you ever let a dude toe fuck you in the vag?" I thought the ho was going to shower herself with her own vom just to wash away the image of a big toe going into her cooze.

It's a good thing she wasn't at the Carouse of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills last night, because Lara Flynn Boyle kicked off her heels and walked the red carpet like she was fucking Joss Stone. Yeah, her shoes were probably bothering her hooves, but still. Have some consideration for the bitches around you who might suffer from severe foot phobia! I'm surprised Lara even has feeling in her feet, seeing as though she doesn't have feeling in her face. THAT FACE! She used to be the sexiest chick on TV and now she looks like hard silly putty.

Last night's Carousel of Hope Ball looked like "show off your new face night" at the fucking retirement village. There were enough wigs there to keep a tribe of performing drag queens going for years to come! Below are some of my favorite memaws from the night. Don't feel bad if you don't know any of these memaws and pepaws' names, because they probably don't know either.

The Cloudman who blows the wind better watch his puffy ass. Joan Collins is going to storm into his office and slap the air out of him for trying to blow off her wig. The evil part of me (basically 99.9%) wishes her wig did come off so that we could see her running after it in her jewels and furs. Lucky for her, it stayed on. But bitch should still go and get a lacefront so that doesn't happen again. Beyonce will hook her up. Even if Joan's wig did go flying off, she would still look hot with two thin hairs on her head. Alexis Carrington will be beautiful and glamorous forever!

Camille Grammer (formerly Camille Donatacci) is what all gold diggers should aspire to be. She went from shaking her ass on "Club MTV" to being married to Kelsey Grammer. She met Kelsey in 1996, married him 1997 and had their first kid in 2001. That is how you do it. That dumb Sarah Larson bitch needed to study Camille Grammer's business plan while she was fucking with George Clooney, but she effed up. Camille should teach a class at the Learning Annex on the art of gold digging.

Kelsey looks like he fucks like a turtle, but who cares?! Who needs sexy times when you have that much money? She probably orgasms when she uses her Black AMEX to buy a Bentley.

The stunning Camille escorted her sugar daddy to the premiere of "Swing Vote" last night in Hollywood. This looks like the biggest piece of shit movie ever. Booze can't even make this crap entertaining. You're going to have to drop acid if you plan on seeing this.

Other skanks who attended the premiere just to have their picture taken so they would remain relevant included DJ Tanner, Stephanie Tanner, Drunk Abdul and Kevin Costner.

The crack rock of Amy Wino's eye, Blaaake Fielder-Whatever, was sentenced to 27 months in the chokey this morning. Wino didn't show up for the fun and games, but Blaaake's hot mother Georgette was there.

I doubt she shouted "Blaaaaaaake" when he was sentenced. She probably just rolled her eyes, went outside, lit up her 30th fag of the morning, and then asked one of the reporters if she could borrow a few bucks. After she finished gossiping with the court clerk, she shuffled off to her day job tending bar at some pub where they call her G-Cakes.

You also know her house smells like the inside of an ash bin, and she probably has four cats named Johnny Rotten, Sid, Steve and Paul after the Sex Pistols. Love her.

Below is G-Cakes being hot outside of the court house. I also threw in Blaaake's mug shot. I'd hit it.

When I grow up I want to be Jodie Marsh. Not only is she the epitome of grace and sophistication, but she is also a true fashion icon. Who else could pull off this stunning ensemble? Well, probably a $5 day-shift tranny hooker, but that's besides the point!

If the CDC ever lets her into America, she should come and show the whores here how it's really done. I'm almost tempted to say that Jodie is more elegant than Shauna Sand! I know, I should be fucked with a lucite heel for saying that. Jodie and Shauna should settle this in a Miss Elegant pageant. It can be held in a Hazmat tent and Dimitri the Lover will judge.

Here's more of Jodie out in London last night. The people around her are so lucky. I'm surprised they aren't going into violent seizures from being close to her intense glamour. I swear, I'd totally go lesbo for her. Eating her coochie would be like biting into a fresh jalapeno, but I like to live on the wild side.

I really should've titled this shit "Pretty Fucking Classy in Pink." It's the ravishing CoCo with her pimp at the opening of Wasted Space at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Don't even make the joke that CoCo is the one who is wasted space. Slap a baby bunny rabbit before you do such a thing! She is perfection.

I don't think that's ruching on the back of her dress. CoCo's ass is like a magnet and it's trying to eat that dress. That's probably why she never wears panties. Her ass always ends up eating them. She's like a Maytag dryer.

Ice-T looks like he's all dressed up for The Annual Pimp N' Ho Ball. He's just missing a hat with a pink feather in it and a cane. Pimpto Bismal! And this is seriously the classiest I've ever seen CoCo look. I don't like it.

Luckily, she was back to looking like her elegant self at Ice-T's poolside performance. Remember how I said her ass is a major muncher? The same goes for her chocha. By the end of the day, half of her capris were probably eaten by her coochie. That belt is gone forever. Hungry hungry vagina! She has to feed it a steak dinner every night just to keep it from devouring everything in sight. Damn, she's gorgeous.

Dear Women of the World,

Please spend the rest of your day carefully studying the stunning creature known as Jodie Marsh. This is how all of you should look on a daily basis. Yes, your coochie might fall into a coma, your titties might spontaneously combust and STDs will flock to you like a moth to a flame, but it would be worth it.

This is the epitome of grace and beauty. If I was a woman, a biological woman, I would wear this outfit every second of the day. Jodie Marsh is what all of you should aspire to be.

Also, please petition for Jodie to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. They will have to change her character name to SmellyCatwoman, but Jodie can pull it off.

Thank you.

Love, Kisses and Lucite,
Michael K

If I ever lose my fucking mind and decide to get married, this is exactly the way I want my wedding to look like. Seriously, I will take this video to the wedding planner and tell them to recreate this classy affair down to the plastic crates and knocked up bridesmaids.

On the Fourth of July, Bubba married Pam in the parking lot of a Waffle House in Dacula, GA off of Highway 316/U.S. Highway 29 interchange. Bubba and Pam both work at the Waffle House. She was able to get the day off, but he had to work the morning shift.

They were surrounded by 30 of their closest friends and family who chain-smoked and drank soda throughout the ceremony. The elegant ambiance was completed by a Hank Williams Jr. song playing from the radio of a nearby SUV.

Pam's daddy told The Gwinnet Daily Post, "I think it's pretty redneck myself. But I'm a redneck anyway, so." Shit, then I must be a redneck too, because this wedding is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

There's seriously too much glamour to comment on, but you HAVE to watch the beautiful picture gallery above set to 98 Degrees' "Sunshine After The Rain." This is the kind of shit I dream about at night.

If you can't see the video above, click here to see the pictures.

Thanks L

Bill Clinton had a fucking good time with Gina Gershon claims Vanity Fair. According to an article written by Todd Purdum, hubby to Dee Dee Meyers, Billy had affairs with several chicks including Gina. Billy cheating on Hills is nothing new and not shocking. However, Billy knocking it with Cristal Conners is pretty hot.

Todd writes that, "Clinton has been seen visiting with the actress Gina Gershon in California. There has been talk of a female friend in Chappaqua, a woman in a bar at a meeting of the Aspen Institute, and a public sighting of Clinton, Bing, and a ravishing entourage in a New York elevator that, a former Clinton aide told me, led a business leader who saw them to say: I don’t know what the guy was doing, but it was so clear that it was just no good."

Billy responded by calling Todd "sleazy" and "slimy." Takes one to know one! Gina Gershon's rep told E! News, "Todd Purdum's insinuation is a lie and is irresponsible journalism. We are demanding a retraction."

Can you blame Bill? Gina is fucking hot. Shit, I would do her! Although, I'd much rather just sit in a room with her and have her say, "You are a whore, darlin'. We all are. We take the cash, we cash the check, we show them what they want to see" over and over again.

Judy Landers' gorgeous daughters, Kristy and Lindsey, are the epitome of glamour, but they really need to stop wearing cheap Cinderella wigs. I'm pretty intrigued about what's hiding underneath that $3 lump of polyester. I'm guessing their real hair is made of pure gold and it's too fragile to deal with the outside elements. That makes sense, because they did come from Judy's vagina and that shit is made out of diamonds and gold.

And where the hell is their reality show already? My Tivo has been asking me about this mess. Actually, my Tivo has been begging me to stop infecting him with more reality shows starring a bunch of dumb whores. Oh well! Sucks to be him.

Here's Judy and her stunning daughters working Robertson Blvd. yesterday.