Bitch Got Sued

Tommy Girl is slipping on his suin' heels and practicing saying "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" in the mirror, because he has thrown a $50 million lawsuit at the company that publishes Life & Style and InTouch for saying that he abandoned Suri Cruise. You can make fun of Tommy on South Park and he won't threaten to sue (yes, he will). You can say that you and him gargled on each other's peens and he won't sue (yes, he will). You can say that he tortured Stepford Katie and he won't threaten to sue you (yes, he will). But if you say that he made Suri cry into her heels, he will sue you!

TMZ says that Tommy's lawyer, Bert Fields, told Life & Style and InTouch to issue apologies and say that they lied, but after they didn't, a lawsuit fell into their laps. Life & Style claimed in a July issue that Tommy is a dead beat daddy and has barely had any contact with Suri since Stepford Katie found the key to her locked brain hidden in his dildo drawer and left him forever. InTouch basically said the same thing. Tommy says they have defamed him, and usually he's into getting defamed all over his face and ass because he's into that sort of kink, but he's not into it this time. Tommy wants justice. Bert put it like this:

"Tom is a caring father who dearly loves Suri. She's a vital part of his life and always will be. To say he has 'abandoned' her is a vicious lie. To say it in lurid headlines with a tearful picture of Suri is reprehensible. Tom doesn't go around suing people. He's not a litigious guy. But when these sleaze peddlers try to make money with disgusting lies about his relationship with his child, you bet he's going to sue.

These serial defamers are foreign owned companies with their global headquarters in Hamburg. They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage. Having to pay a libel judgment may slow them down."

"Tom doesn't go around suing people"? That sounds like an interesting fairytale I'd like to read. "They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage"? Hmmm...that sounds familiar.

Tommy does have a point and I'd show you that point, but Tommy's all lubed-up and sitting on it right now. No, the point is that Tommy is a lot of things, but he's not a shit father. Who do you think taught Suri how to work a pair of heels like a fierce diva? Who do you think taught Suri that walking is overrated? Who do you think taught Suri that the best way to get what you want is to start pounding on the floor while crying loudly (Fun fact: It's how Tommy gets most of his movie roles)? Those are all very important life lessons and they were all taught by Tommy. Give the crazy little man bitch some credit.

Anyway, here's Katie Holmes walking Suri Cruise to school the other day. I can't tell if Suri's mad in the face from having to go to school or if she's mad because that mean ass Katie is making her use her legs to walk. Tommy would never.

Above is Duchess Kate during happier times at reception in Singapore two days ago when she had a touching and intimate moment with a glass of water. "I like you. We have the same personality" is probably what Duchess Kate said to her new best friend. But now Kate's smiley face is a frowny face, because Closer Magazine put her titties on display and she's gonna get those French bitches for it.

Duchess Kate and Prince William lit the canon and shot over a lawsuit to France's Closer for fucking with her privacy by publishing pictures of her nipples-in-waiting. Lawyers for Kate and William are speeding this shit up and their case will be heard in France on Monday. A rep for St. James Palace released this statement and I'll be really disappointed if it wasn't read off of a scroll by a dude with a fluffy feather in his hat:

“Their Royal Highnesses have been hugely saddened to learn that a French publication and a photographer have invaded their privacy in such a grotesque and totally unjustifiable manner. Their Royal Highnesses had every expectation of privacy in the remote house. It is unthinkable that anyone should take such photographs, let alone publish them.”

Apparently, this is a big deal, because the Royal Family barely ever sues the media and they didn't sue anybody for those magical pictures of Prince Hot Ginge in Las Vegas, but they should. We should all file a civil lawsuit against the dumb dumb skank who took those pictures. I mean, how can you have a naked PHG in front of you and a camera phone in your hand and not get an up-close shot of his royal ginger dick rod winking at you? PHG is a British soldier, so to get him to lift his hands off of the ginger goods, just start humming God Save The Queen. He'd have to lift his hands to salute. (No, I'm not above using the UK National Anthem to trick a ginge into exposing the peen.) We should sue the picture taker for not coming up with that.

Here's more of Duchess Kate having a special date with water.

José Angel Santana used to teach movie directing at NYU, but he was pink-slipped after he committed an illegal act against the arts by giving James Franco a D for only showing up to 2 out of 14 classes. José is suing NYU for wrongfully firing his ass and now he's suing James Franco for defaming his good name. James puckered his lips and got bitchy in interviews when he said that he didn't show up to Professor Santana's class, because he didn't want to waste his precious time with a crappy teacher. James said that José  wasn't fired for giving him a D, the dude was fired for being a bad teacher and he'll never work at another university again. And yes, when James said that, he smirked and gave himself an A++++ in BURNING.

José told The New York Post that James is nothing but a celebrity bully who uses his name to punish anybody who doesn't suck on his ego. José also brought the RNC empty chair into it:

“Whoever was in Clint Eastwood’s chair at the Republican National Convention was more present than Mr. Franco was in my classes. [Franco] is a bully. He uses the bully pulpit of his celebrity to punish anyone who doesn’t do his bidding. I didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of those falsehoods. I was outraged that someone with his attendance record at NYU had the audacity to make those statements.

José's attorney says that most of his evaluations from students were positive and that James is using his ass lips to do the talking again. José made $70,000 a year as an NYU professor and he's suing for unspecified damages.

Yes, James Franco is a smug stain on smug's ass who thinks every university should just throw degrees at him for being James Franco, but José doesn't know who he's dealing with. James Franco will get his law degree, pass the bar just by writing the name James Franco on the bar exam, become a NY State judge and throw out the case against him. Then Judge James Franco will send José to prison for wasting James Franco's time. When José' settles into his cell, he'll hear the sound of boots stomping his way and when he looks up he'll see....Prison Warden James Franco. And after José completes his sentence, he'll go back to NYU to get his job back, but they'll tell him that the position was filled a long time ago by...Professor James Franco. You can't escape The Franco!

Here's James Franco with Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine and Harmony Korine at the Venice Film Festival premiere of Spring Breakers last night.

Looking at that picture ruined my sense of hearing and that picture doesn't even have any sound with it.

TMZ says that Justin Bieber has been hit with a completely logical, reasonable and not-at-all batshit crazy lawsuit by a woman in Oregon who claims that the high-pitched screeches from his fans caused her permanent ear damage. Stacey Wilson Betts took her daughter to a Bieber concert in 2010 and left with broken ear drums. During Justin's concert, he flew above the crowd of crazed Beliebers on a metal heart-shaped gondola and Stacey says in her lawsuit that he "created a wave like effect of screaming by pointing into various sections of the arena. Then enticed the crowd into a frenzy of screams by continuously waving his arms in a quick and upward motion." Stacy went on to claim that the heart-shaped gondola acted as a "sound conductor creating a sound blast that permanently damaged both of my ears."

The hell kind of Bill Nye explanation is that?

Getting stabbed in the ears with a tornado of tween screams gave her tinnitus and a constant pulsing sound in her ears makes it hard for her to sleep and work. Stacey wants $9.23 million in damages from Bieber, his record label, the concert promoter and the arena in Portland.

Here's a taste of what fucked up Stacey's ears and I'm tempted to put my own ears to my laptop speakers so I too can sue Bieber for millions of dollars:

What did Stacey expect from a Bieber concert? Those insane hyena girls train for months to scream the enamel off the backside of their teefs during a Bieber concert. Their screeches will make a deaf person hear again and go deaf again in seconds. When you go to a Bieber concert, your ears will take that as a "fuck you" to them and turn on you. This is a rule of life.

On a positive note, at least Stacey can't totally hear Justin's music anymore. On a not-so-positive note, if Stacey's daughter is a hardcore Belieber, she probably tweeted this message to her mom: DIAF!!! @mom.

Former Mr. Eva Longoria, Tony Parker, was at W.i.P nightclub the night Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown's entourages got into a bottle-throwing, bloody bitch brawl. Tony had to go to the hospital after the fight, because a shard of glass flew into his eye and cut up his cornea. Tony is now suing a bitch and he's not suing Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown for acting like rabid toddlers on roids. Tony is suing the nightclub...for $20 million. THIS BITCH. Oh wait, Tony has a scratched eyeball, so he might not be able to see that. Let me try again:

THIS BITCH. 

TMZ says that in the lawsuit filed yesterday, Tony says that the club security should've known it was a bad move to put Drake and Chris Brown in the same section together. Tony goes on to say that the club made shit worse by continuing to serve Chris and Drake as much booze as they ordered. Tony thinks that the club cared more about making money than the safety of the other hos in the club. Tony is suing for $20 million, because his NBA career will be affected if his cornea doesn't heal all the way.

From now on, Tony Parker should follow my rule about clubs. I only go to classy clubs that don't have a VIP section, don't do bottle service and serve all their booze in plastic cups. A rule to live by.

And Tony's ass should really sue Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown instead. They're the ones with the money and they're the douchebags who started it all. The only way this lawsuit makes sense is if you told me that a shard of glass also made its way up to Tony's head and cut the part of his brain that produces reasonable thoughts.

Last year, Entertainment Weekly asked the creator of The Bachelor if there will ever be a Bachelor or Bachelorette who isn't white and this is what splattered out of his douche hole:

"I think Ashley is 1/16th Cherokee Indian, but I cannot confirm. But that is my suspicion! We really tried, but sometimes we feel guilty of tokenism. Oh, we have to wedge African-American chicks in there! We always want to cast for ethnic diversity, it’s just that for whatever reason, they don’t come forward. I wish they would."

That leads our asses to this story from The Hollywood Reporter. Minor league football players Christopher Johnson and Nathaniel Claybrooks announced that they will throw a class-action lawsuit at the producers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette for committing an act of racial discrimination by not once featuring a non-white person as the Bachelor or Bachelorette during all 23 seasons (yes, TWENTY THREE FUCKING SEASONS OF WRECKERY) of that shit. Both Nathaniel and Christopher went to an open call in Nashville for The Bachelor, but they were pushed to the side of the room and weren't given a regular audition. They didn't get called back and they say it's because their skin color isn't #FFFFFF.

Most of the boring hos on The Bachelor shows have the personality of armpit dandruff and they're so desperate that they look like members of the Jennifer Love Hewitt Tribe. They wear the ugliest dresses bought from a prom shop's going out of business sale and when they go back home their neighbors chase them away for shaming their town. So if the producers turned me down, I'd take that as a compliment.

And speaking of lawsuits against The Bachelor, when is Gloria Allred going to file a complaint in federal court on behalf of roses everywhere. Think of the roses that have been wasted on those basic ass bitches. The Bachelor has slowly been committing rose genocide for years and they must be stopped!

While paparazzo Delbert Shaw took these pictures of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox in Hawaii two Decembers ago, he had no idea that he was about to get a beating courtesy of the douche weasel who poked out Donna Martin's cherry. Years of wearing the fugliest shirts Structure has to offer filled David Silver with a quiet rage and he unleashed it all over Delbert as Megan Fox cheered him off. That's what Delbert claims, anyway. TMZ says that in a lawsuit filed this morning in L.A., Delbert claims that Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox verbally assaulted his ass before issuing a beat down on him.

Delbert says that after BAG and Megan caught him taking pictures of them, they started yelling out all kinds of curse words at him. Shit got serious after Megan shouted at BAG, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" That was Brian's cue to jump on Delbert and punch him out. As BAG beat on Delbert, Megan kept egging him on. Once BAG finished smearing a pap, he stole Delbert's iPhone and threw it into the ocean.

BAG and Megan haven't responded to this mess yet. Delbert is of course suing for unspecified damages.

Who knew that Megan Fox was a chola leader?! Bitch not only ordered the hit, but she also stood there cheering BAG on as he whooped a trick. Let's call her La Gato Face. But seriously, I'm all for beating a ho when the situation calls for it (example: when your friend plays the new Justin Bieber song in the car without warning you first), but this is not one of those situations. Megan and BAG didn't handle it right. BAG should've sat the pap down at a table across from Megan Fox and made him listen to the nauseating words of shit wisdom that come pouring out of her mouth. It would've taken all of 6 seconds for Delbert to bang his head on the table until his brains started coming out of his nostrils. We've all been there after reading a Megan Fox quote. Why bust your fist into a pap's skull when you can let Megan Fox's words do it for you?

If Lindsay Lohan isn't pushing ridiculous lawsuits out of her lawyer's ass, her lawyer's ass is taking ridiculous lawsuits filed against her. Remember during Lindsay Lohan's crackier days when she nearly sent a sunglasses-wearing child to Jesus when clipped the kid's stroller wheel with her Maserati? (Click here if you want to dip back into the fuckery to relive the coked-up memories.) The kid's soul was scarred, because she stared into the eyes of a meth-faced ghost, but other than that she rolled away without any injures. But the nanny pushing the kid is now saying that she got injured and she wants some cash from LiLo.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (which I'm pretty sure is the same name as one of the queens on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race) filed a lawsuit in L.A. yesterday claiming that she got messed up physically during the September 2010 accident (or was it?). Radar says that Nubia Del Carmen Preza is also suing the car company who let LiLo use their Maserati.

At the time, LiLo denied clipping the stroller, but she'll also deny she's a coke whore to your face while she's got an 8-ball up her nostril and a drug dealer's peen up her poon (or vice versa, depending on her mood). Nubia never filed a report with the police department and this lawsuit is the first time anyone has ever heard about her so-called injuries.

It's obvious that Nubia is straight scamming a trick and she's estúpida for doing so. Nubia is a Latina who isn't famous. LiLo is a white celebwhore who has proven time and time again that the justice system is her personal bitch. Six seconds after they stroll into court, LiLo will be pardoned for EVERYTHING and Nubia will be sentenced to 3 years in a mythical place we've never heard of called an "overcrowded-proof jail."

There are a million things Lady Copy Paste should be sued for including (but not limited to) copyright infringement, grand theft thievery, illegally cloning Madge's career, creating a hybrid strain of yeast infection and salmonella (yeastonella?) and viciously decapitating an entire tribe of Kermits, but one of her former assistants has chosen to sue her Mermaid Touring Company for being forced to do the job she was hired to do without getting paid overtime.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer O'Neill was overworked by CaCa and slaved away doing all sorts of fucked up shit during 13 months of the Monster Ball World Tour. The fucked up shit Jennifer was forced to do did not including breaking into Grace Jones' house to Xerox copy her entire wardrobe. Jennifer wasn't even asked to ice CaCa's tuck or steal an outfit for her off of a sailor nun's back (see pics of CaCa at JFK below). Jennifer claims in her lawsuit that she had to act as CaCa's personal alarm clock to keep her on schedule and once had to hand her naked ass a towel when she came out of the shower. Yes, Slave Master CaCa forced Jennifer to do regular personal assistant shit. CaCa is a regular old Mister. Although, if I had to hand CaCa's naked carcass a towel, I'd probably slip face first and fall on my tortured eyeballs to stop them from burning.

But the biggest complaint in Jennifer's lawsuit is that she was never paid overtime. Jennifer was paid $75,000 for the tour, but she says she's owed more than $380,000 for 7,168 hours of unpaid overtime. When I try to do the math in my head, my brain curls into a fetal position and I automatically want to doodle pictures of peens on a Pee Chee folder just like I did in junior high math class. So I had to do the math on a calculator and if Jennifer is telling the truth, then she worked around 138 hours of overtime in one week. That means the bitch barely closed her eyes to slip into a sleep and her veins must naturally pump out meth if she was able to go on that long without sleeping. It does make sense, though. You try sleeping while CaCa's loudly chanting to the Illuminati demon lords in the next room.

The court has heard all the facts and we hereby declare that CaCa is GUILTY! Take away her copy paste function and string the bitch up!

Here's St. Angie, Pax (who is obviously mourning the loss of the Jaws ride at Universal Studios), Zahara and Shiloh getting blinded by the light (and not in a Manfred Mann sort of way) while going to see The Muppets in Manhattan last night. I am a little disappointed that Zahara gave her trademarked up-eye the night off, because she could've easily burst light bulbs and had those paps running for the nearest burn center after she set them on fire. Zahara is a firestarter-in-training. Watch out. One ho who should also watch out for Zahara is Croatian journalist James J. Braddock. JJB is suing St. Angie for allegedly snatching the plot of her movie In the Land of Blood and Honey from a novel he wrote in 2007. James J. Braddock, you in danger, girl, because once the hardcore Brangeloonies are granted a day pass from the mental hospital, they're coming to git you!

In the Land of Blood and Honey is the feel good holiday movie of the year and tells the story of a Muslim who is held captive in a concentration camp during the Bosnian war and falls in love with a Serbian soldier. JJB thinks that plot is a Xerox copy of his novel. According to Radar, JJB's copyright infringement lawsuit against St. Angie states the similarities between his book and her movie:

"The Subject Work’s main female character is subject to continuous abuse and rape by soldiers and officers in the camp. In addition to being raped continuously by soldiers and officers, she is forced to become a servant at the camp headquarters, a duty assumed by very few of the captives. The Motion Picture’s main female character is also subject to continuous rape by soldiers and officers in the camp and subsequently becomes a servant at camp headquarters."

JJB also wrote a really long statement on his website where he gets deep into details and says that St. Angie not only stole from him, but also stole the title of her movie from Martin Van Creveld's The Land of Blood and Honey.

If JJB wants to win this mess of a case then he should do himself a favor and delete his website. That shit does him zero favors. The header looks like something that was burped up from Geocities and he writes about the differences between his book and her movie. You are trying to pull millions of dollars in damages out of Angie's pockets, don't give her the defense. But I still hope this goes to trial. And I also hope that JJB does the right thing by asking the other (and better) JJB to represent him in court. I'm talking about Jim J. Bullock! This whole boring ass lawsuit would be so much more entertaining if Jim J. Bullock was involved.