Bitch Got Sued

No, Jon Grosselin was not sued by thousands of people whose eyelashes were singed off after staring directly into his piping hot Ed Hardy fugness. No, instead TLC has punched Jon in his moobs with a giant lawsuit. TLC filed papers this morning in Maryland claiming that Jon breached his contract by stopping production on Douche & Kunt Plus Those Kids Whose Lives We're Ruining.

In the lawsuit, TLC states that on the day they demoted Jon from "star" to "extra" on the reality show about his life, he immediately demanded that he be let out of his contract. Jon threatened that if TLC didn't drop the exclusivity clause in his contract, he'd stop his adorable money makers from filming anymore episodes of the show. Even though TLC never let Jon out of his contract, he bad-mouthed the show and network to the media. TLC IS GETTING REVENGE!

If TLC bleeds Jon of his entire supply of douche-rags, CZ studs and Axe butthole wash, then I co-sign this lawsuit. However, I really think TLC needs to stop putting all their energy into Jon & Kate. I mean, what about Mermaid Girl, or the world's fattest man, or the woman with giant legs?! WE NEED MORE OF THEM. There's other people to exploit, TLC!

Source: Radar

Last month, Gawker posted 4-minutes of a "naked and high tape" starring Eric Dane, his wife the Noxzema Girl and some former Miss Teen USA who might be a whore merchant. The tape barely showed any of McSteamy's McPeeny and it contained zero sex. Basically, we all submitted a request for a refund to Eric Dane for giving us all blue balls. Well, Eric and Rebecca have submitted their own documents in a Los Angeles County courtroom.

TMZ reports that they filed a $1 million lawsuit against Gawker for "maliciously distrubing" the tape. They also want Gawker to kill the video from their website.

Gawker's publisher Nick Denton had this to say about the lawsuit: "To quote the great Marty Singer -- Eric Dane's lawyer -- if you don't want a sex tape on the internet, 'don't make one!'"

You know, we should all file a class action lawsuit against Eric and Rebecca for "leaking" a sex tape without any damn sex in it! False advertising! Seriously, they could've licked a clit or flicked a peen. Instead, all they gave us was their nekkid asses hanging onto each other while giggling like sixth-graders who just got high for the first time. You could see the exact same thing in one of the Hogan's home movies.

When Blaaaaaaaake was marinating in a jail cell, the love of his life (after smoking a few hits of the bad shit) Amy Wino sent him beautiful heart-heaving love letters that she wrote using liquid heroin, so that he could lick up her words for a quick buzz. I made up that last part, but that's a tip for next time, Wino! It's on the house! Anyway, Blaaaaake's mom, the glamorous Georgette, got a hold of one of the letters and peddled it to the highest bidder. The Wino didn't like that and now she's suing the trick!

The Sun reports that Wino has filed a lawsuit against Georgette for copyright infringement. Wino wants £50,000 as compensation. One source close to Wino said, "Amy was furious the private letter was used to make money."

The thing is Wino probably doesn't even remember writing the letter, because she was higher than Courtney Love's Twitter at the time. That doesn't mean it was right for Georgette to turn the letter out and put it on the ho stroll, but it takes a lot of money to look that glamorous!

If Georgette wasn't to able to maintain her beauty, who else would run around looking like a post-menopausal Rizzo from Grease. Seriously, if Rizzo divorced Kenickie, turned to crank to the heal pain, accidentally got knocked up by Danny Zuko (ESCANDALO), sold the baby to Sandy for a coupon book and then finally got her life together by joining a sober living group called "The Polka Dot Ladies," she would look exactly like Georgette. And that's exactly what we need in this world. So if Georgette needs to sell some letter to keep looking this glamorous, then I say do it! Wino will understand one day.

If you're ever feeling brave enough to ask Method Man for an autograph, you better strap a bullet-proof vest over your chest, pray to the Three Wolf Moon and have your best running shoes on, because you may get shot at. TMZ says that a woman in Houston is suing Method Man for shooting her with an air gun when she asked him for an autograph after a show in November 2008. LOL.

Mary Anderson said that after she tried to get Method Man to sign something for her, he whipped out an air gun and started firing pellets. Mary says she was hit around six times. Okay, I've never been shot with an air gun, but I'm guessing it hurts more than when the dick misses the hole. That means it hurts A LOT. And Mary, if someone keeps shooting at your ass, that's your cue to ruuuuuuuuun.

(Read this in a Jackee Harry voice, because it's the only way) Maaaary is suing for money. Of course.

Isn't Method Man a stoner of epic proportions? Shouldn't he be hugging on everyone and asking them if they are carrying any Fritos on their persons? Dude must have had the wrong stuff in his bong.

And not just any hat! A hat who is the reincarnation of the Venus Aphrodite
Demilo and an heir to the J. Paul Getty fortune. Yes, I'm just as confused as you. It gets even more confusing.

TMZ says that a hat named Sheri Allred has filed a $3 billion lawsuit against Hugh Hefner, because he hid under her bed when she was just a young girl. Or something. Sheri also claims Hugh had an affair with her adoptive mother. While Sheri's adoptive mother was boning Hef, she was also doing John Gotti. I LOVE CRAZY PEOPLE! Seriously, crazy people are a gift.

You can read the whole insane letter here (it's a must-read). Here's just a taste of Sheri's craziness. For once, the typos didn't come from me.

Yes, sir I am asking for 3 billion dollars from Mr. Hefner. He's been after me since I was a baby. Along with a pedifile organization here in L.A. When I was bout 5 yrs. Old He mysteriously was underneath my bed and he grabbed my arm and said that he and forsay the beatles and he mentioned the names of them. I asked like in my head since I'm a hat everyone in the world here's my thought's, a good way to establish peace. So I thought and I said you'd better let go of my hand. And so I braced myself again the wall and eventually he let go I ran into my parents room and told my adopted mother in which she replied it was probably your adopted dad.

The Gotti man had my husband eat his pussy cause he's a morphidite. I know you don't ask what is a morphodite, my dad my adopted dad told us kids what one of them are. That means my ex isn't here in the upper story, if you get what I mean.

In all seriousness, Courtney Love needs to stop playing! It's all fun and games until a pepaw loses his Playboy Mansion and ends up in the arms of Chris Hansen.

Courtney, I mean "Sheila," quit the fuckery and go back to hosting La Loca Love Show on Twitter and finding the thieves who "stole" all "your" money!

When HoHan launched her Dirty Sanchez cream Sevin Nyne, she claimed it took her three years to perfect the formula with her business partner Lorit Simon. Well, a bitch in St. Petersburg, FL is calling HoHan a lie-teller and a thief, because she says she's the one who came up with that shit.

The St. Petersburg Times says that chemist Jennifer Sunday filed a lawsuit against HoHan and Lorit Simon in a Tampa federal court for breach of contract, theft of trade secrets, civil conspiracy, intentional interference with contractual relations and deceptive and unfair trade practices.

Jennifer says she was working on the spray-tan with Lorit Simon back in January, but they couldn't agree on pricing. Next thing Jennifer knew, Lori was out whoring her creation with HoHan. Jennifer went on to say that the ingredients are exactly the same. Jennifer wants a cut of the profits.

Sevin Nyne launched a couple of months ago and is currently being sold for $35 a pop at Sephora.

Any whore who has ever barfed out pizza grease through their asshole (Alli users, I'm looking at you) can also sue this bitch. Seriously, I tested that crap on my hand once and it looked like butt sex gravy.

I kind of hope this goes to trial, just so we can all witness HoHan's performance on the stand. You know she's going to shout, "I found the recipe in my friend's coke pants!"

When Elisabeth Hasselcrack isn't violently fucking us dry in the ear with her shrill voice, she's writing books on gluten free dieting. Or should I say, she's copying and pasting from other people's books on gluten free dieting and publishing it as her own. That's what Susan Hassett claims anyway. Susan is madder than fish grease (Ariel 4 ever) and has filed a lawsuit against Hasselcrack for copyright infringement and being a copy cat. Susan also should have filed a class action lawsuit against Hasselcrack for being an annoying bitch.

Susan says that Elisabeth's book The G Free Diet-A Gluten Free Survival Guide is a direct copy of her book which was published in April of 2008. TMZ says in a letter to Elisabeth, Susan listed a million similarities including chapter titles and tips.

All I needed to read were the words "Elisabeth Hasselcrack" to decide my verdict: GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! Unfortunately, we're the ones who will really be punished. When this shit gets settled, we will never hear the end of Hasselcrack's whining about it.

With Hasselcrack's constant yapping and Sherri revealing her new "bikini body" in a few weeks, remind me again why I watch The View again?

Chris Brown received a special gift today in the form a lawsuit filed by some dude named Robert Rosen. Robert claims Chris Brown's bodyguards beat him something good at an L.A. Fitness last March.

Radar says that on March 13th, Chris and his friends were playing basketball when Robert decided he wanted to get a few pictures of him. Chris' bodyguards immediately stepped in and told him to flutter away. But when Robert tried to leave, he says an L.A. Fitness employee blocked him and started to manhandle him. This led to Robert falling down stars (HA: Why is picturing people fall down stairs so fucking funny?). Instead of giving him a helping hand, Chris Brown's bodyguards whooped his ass. Chris trained them well.

Robert is suing both Chris and L.A. Fitness for assault, battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligence, premises liability and false imprisonment. Robert is asking for Chris to sing him an acoustic version of "I'm Sowwy," followed by a kiss on the cheek and a basket full of fluffy bunnies. Of course not. Robert wants money money money money money money MONEY!!!!!!

It doesn't seem like Chris himself ever brought down his fist on Robert's face or body, but he's the one being sued. Maybe Chris ordered his bodyguards to pelt that bitch? Or maybe Robert is just taking advantage of the whole Ike & Tina '09 situation and thinks he can make quick a dollar. It's the American way! Hey, it's either get a job at Arby's to pay the bills or sue a bitch.

I'm surprised it took this long, but some dumb (and really hot) bitch filed a bunk ass class action lawsuit against Miley Cyrus for making fun of Asians in the picture you've seen a trillion times. I've seen this shit so many times that the half-empty shelves in the mirror's reflection is really starting to bother me. That's bad Feng Shui. If you're going to pretend to be Asian, go all the way.

TMZ reports that Lucie J. Kim is asking for $4 billion! Oh, Lucie J Kim. The crazy bugs have burrowed inside your brains and ate them away, but I love you 4 billion ways.

Lucie claims she represents over 1 million Asians in L.A. County who want to get paid $4,000 each for Miley's fuckery. Lucie says that each Asian should get the minimum for a civil rights violation. In her lawsuit, she says when Miley made that face she "knew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media, which Cyrus knew focused on her private life, specifically TMZ."

Nuke up the lube! Finally, I have found the money to buy a custom-made Mah Boo Anderson Cooper real doll! Technically, I don't live in L.A. and I'm half Asian, but who cares about stupid details! The only thing that matters is that I was highly offended and hurt by Miley's mocking of Asians. $4,000 will ease the hurt. Every time I look at her, I get a bad case of the runs and have to take a boiling hot shower to erase the pain she has caused me. Okay, she had that effect on me before I saw this picture, but again, petty details don't mean anything when we're talking about me possibly "canoodling" with the Mah Boo real doll of my dreams!

What does Sam Lutfi do all day, really? I'm sure he spends a few hours sticking hot pins in Daddy Spears' voodoo doll. After that, he plays Brit Brit's "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart," cuddles up to one of her old used-up weave tracks and cries himself to sleep. It's not like he has anything to do, so I'm not surprised that his latest project is a lawsuit against Our Lady of Cheetos! He probably watched Larry H. Parker's commercial on TV and it gave him ideas.

TMZ says that Sam is suing Brit and her parents claiming she broke a contract with him and owes his crazy ass a bunch of cash in unpaid fees. In the LOLawsuit, Sam says her parents "began a campaign of slander, libel and defamation aimed at discrediting, destroying and physically and emotionally intimidating Lutfi in order to drive him out of Britney's life."

If this mess ever finds its way into a court room, Sam is going to have to go wait at the corner gas station while Brit Brit testifies, because she has a restraining order against him.

You know, I kind of wish this would go to trial. Then we all can share a big tub of popcorn (with extra fake butter) and take in all the drama. And Dollhouse Dudes really needs another gig.

I also hope they ask Sam what drugs he put in the special brew of Purple Drank he gave to Brit regularly, because I need a new recipe.