Bitch Got Sued

If Lindsay Lohan isn't pushing ridiculous lawsuits out of her lawyer's ass, her lawyer's ass is taking ridiculous lawsuits filed against her. Remember during Lindsay Lohan's crackier days when she nearly sent a sunglasses-wearing child to Jesus when clipped the kid's stroller wheel with her Maserati? (Click here if you want to dip back into the fuckery to relive the coked-up memories.) The kid's soul was scarred, because she stared into the eyes of a meth-faced ghost, but other than that she rolled away without any injures. But the nanny pushing the kid is now saying that she got injured and she wants some cash from LiLo.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (which I'm pretty sure is the same name as one of the queens on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race) filed a lawsuit in L.A. yesterday claiming that she got messed up physically during the September 2010 accident (or was it?). Radar says that Nubia Del Carmen Preza is also suing the car company who let LiLo use their Maserati.

At the time, LiLo denied clipping the stroller, but she'll also deny she's a coke whore to your face while she's got an 8-ball up her nostril and a drug dealer's peen up her poon (or vice versa, depending on her mood). Nubia never filed a report with the police department and this lawsuit is the first time anyone has ever heard about her so-called injuries.

It's obvious that Nubia is straight scamming a trick and she's estúpida for doing so. Nubia is a Latina who isn't famous. LiLo is a white celebwhore who has proven time and time again that the justice system is her personal bitch. Six seconds after they stroll into court, LiLo will be pardoned for EVERYTHING and Nubia will be sentenced to 3 years in a mythical place we've never heard of called an "overcrowded-proof jail."

There are a million things Lady Copy Paste should be sued for including (but not limited to) copyright infringement, grand theft thievery, illegally cloning Madge's career, creating a hybrid strain of yeast infection and salmonella (yeastonella?) and viciously decapitating an entire tribe of Kermits, but one of her former assistants has chosen to sue her Mermaid Touring Company for being forced to do the job she was hired to do without getting paid overtime.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Jennifer O'Neill was overworked by CaCa and slaved away doing all sorts of fucked up shit during 13 months of the Monster Ball World Tour. The fucked up shit Jennifer was forced to do did not including breaking into Grace Jones' house to Xerox copy her entire wardrobe. Jennifer wasn't even asked to ice CaCa's tuck or steal an outfit for her off of a sailor nun's back (see pics of CaCa at JFK below). Jennifer claims in her lawsuit that she had to act as CaCa's personal alarm clock to keep her on schedule and once had to hand her naked ass a towel when she came out of the shower. Yes, Slave Master CaCa forced Jennifer to do regular personal assistant shit. CaCa is a regular old Mister. Although, if I had to hand CaCa's naked carcass a towel, I'd probably slip face first and fall on my tortured eyeballs to stop them from burning.

But the biggest complaint in Jennifer's lawsuit is that she was never paid overtime. Jennifer was paid $75,000 for the tour, but she says she's owed more than $380,000 for 7,168 hours of unpaid overtime. When I try to do the math in my head, my brain curls into a fetal position and I automatically want to doodle pictures of peens on a Pee Chee folder just like I did in junior high math class. So I had to do the math on a calculator and if Jennifer is telling the truth, then she worked around 138 hours of overtime in one week. That means the bitch barely closed her eyes to slip into a sleep and her veins must naturally pump out meth if she was able to go on that long without sleeping. It does make sense, though. You try sleeping while CaCa's loudly chanting to the Illuminati demon lords in the next room.

The court has heard all the facts and we hereby declare that CaCa is GUILTY! Take away her copy paste function and string the bitch up!

Here's St. Angie, Pax (who is obviously mourning the loss of the Jaws ride at Universal Studios), Zahara and Shiloh getting blinded by the light (and not in a Manfred Mann sort of way) while going to see The Muppets in Manhattan last night. I am a little disappointed that Zahara gave her trademarked up-eye the night off, because she could've easily burst light bulbs and had those paps running for the nearest burn center after she set them on fire. Zahara is a firestarter-in-training. Watch out. One ho who should also watch out for Zahara is Croatian journalist James J. Braddock. JJB is suing St. Angie for allegedly snatching the plot of her movie In the Land of Blood and Honey from a novel he wrote in 2007. James J. Braddock, you in danger, girl, because once the hardcore Brangeloonies are granted a day pass from the mental hospital, they're coming to git you!

In the Land of Blood and Honey is the feel good holiday movie of the year and tells the story of a Muslim who is held captive in a concentration camp during the Bosnian war and falls in love with a Serbian soldier. JJB thinks that plot is a Xerox copy of his novel. According to Radar, JJB's copyright infringement lawsuit against St. Angie states the similarities between his book and her movie:

"The Subject Work’s main female character is subject to continuous abuse and rape by soldiers and officers in the camp. In addition to being raped continuously by soldiers and officers, she is forced to become a servant at the camp headquarters, a duty assumed by very few of the captives. The Motion Picture’s main female character is also subject to continuous rape by soldiers and officers in the camp and subsequently becomes a servant at camp headquarters."

JJB also wrote a really long statement on his website where he gets deep into details and says that St. Angie not only stole from him, but also stole the title of her movie from Martin Van Creveld's The Land of Blood and Honey.

If JJB wants to win this mess of a case then he should do himself a favor and delete his website. That shit does him zero favors. The header looks like something that was burped up from Geocities and he writes about the differences between his book and her movie. You are trying to pull millions of dollars in damages out of Angie's pockets, don't give her the defense. But I still hope this goes to trial. And I also hope that JJB does the right thing by asking the other (and better) JJB to represent him in court. I'm talking about Jim J. Bullock! This whole boring ass lawsuit would be so much more entertaining if Jim J. Bullock was involved.

Bret Michaels' European imported weave was nearly scalped from his head two years ago when a set backdrop welcomed him to Broadway by smashing down on top of him during a Tony Awards performance. After all the groupie genital warts he's nibbled on, all the booze he's inhaled and all the pressure he's put on his skull from suffocating it with a bandanna, a set piece at the damn Tony Awards is what took him out! It was the HAHAHAHAHA heard around the country until we learned that it left him with a broken nose and cut lip. Although, some of you evil cunts kept HAHAHAHAing after that (I'm looking at you, Ina Garten!).

Six months after his ego and wounds healed, Bret suffered a major brain hemorrhage that almost put him in a Rock of Death Coffin. Now Bret is blaming the Tony Awards for this and is suing the sequins off of them! When Bret is done with them, the Tony Awards will be so broke that they'll have to hold next year's ceremony in the middle of a shuttered Off-Track Betting on Broadway and 43rd (that sounds kind of hot, actually). TMZ has the details:

In his suit, Michaels claims, "One of the most common causes of this type of hemorrhage is head trauma -- exactly like the one Michaels suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards."

"Through his sheer will to live, to see his children grow up, [he] was able to survive this trauma."

Bret says producers have "failed and refused" to remedy the situation ... and even blamed him for the mishap at the Tony Awards, claiming he "missed his mark."

Michaels is suing for unspecified damages. A rep for the Tonys had no comment.

"Suffered at the hands of the Tony Awards" sounds like the gayest snuff film ever and I love that it came from Bret. The suit goes on to allege that the producers failed to show Bret how to exit the stage correctly. Lord. This melodramatic workers comp mess needs to be turned into a Broadway musical. While I understand that Bret went through some serious shit, blaming the Tonys is ridiculous. Think of all the injuries the Rock of Love hos suffered when they opened their eyes too fast while kissing Bret. Do you see them suing?! They should, actually.

Charlie Sheen is giving his best "U MAD" face in the picture above when he's really the one who is mad tho. Charlie ain't got shit to do, so of course he's wasting everyone's time by suing Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and Warner Bros. for not paying him for the 8 episodes they scrapped. Charlie thinks he's a regular Norma Rae, because he's also raising his fist for the cast and crew by including them in the lawsuit.

Charlie's lawyer, Marty Singer, claims in the lawsuit that Chuck Lorre is a manipulator and master liar. Marty claims that Chuck fired Charlie while he was sick and that's a violation of federal laws. The lawsuit also states that Chuck made the decision to chop all 8 episodes long before it was announced. Chuck is apparently tired of Charlie and Two and a Half Men, and wants to move on to other projects. The lawsuit goes on:

"Chuck Lorre, one of the richest men in television who is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, believes himself to be so wealthy and powerful that he can unilaterally decide to take money away from the dedicated cast and crew of the popular television series, 'Two and a Half Men,' in order to serve his own ego and self-interest, and make the star of the Series the scapegoat for Lorre's own conduct."

The $100 million covers loss of wages for Charlie and the crew as well as punitive damages. Apparently, Warner Bros. and Chuck Lorre already paid the crew for the 8 canceled episodes.

How long before Marty Singer dives off the back of Charlie's speeding crazy train and he's forced to represent himself in court? THE WARLOCK OBJECTS, your honor! Charlie showing up to court in a samurai kimono and a hand full of random papers seems like the next natural step in this never-ending mess.

With that being said, we should all hope that Charlie wins because then you can cite this case when your boss fires you for smoking crack in the bathroom. "You can't fire me! I'm sick! Check the Warlock vs. Troll case of 2011!"

via TMZ

On this old Star Magazine cover of Stepford Katie looking like she just got a glimpse Tommy Girl's volcano-shaped butt plug in the dishwasher before breakfast, they declare that she's a junked out drug addict who is injecting barley stew between her toes. Well, actually they don't really say any of that. The inside story speculates that Katie might be getting higher than John Travolta's in-the-air ass during an orgy from Scientology audits. One source says they got addicted to auditing and it made them feel like a heroin addict. So Star never comes out and says that Katie is an audithead, they only speculate it. It's sort of like the time I bit into a Twinkie only to find that it had no cream in it. The factory fucked up. It's a true story that still affects me whenever I'm about to put my teeth on one of Hostess' peen cakes.

Katie filed a $50 million lawsuit today against American Media, the company that owns Star, for defaming her good name and alleging on their cover that she has a substance abuse problem. Katie's lawyer issued this statement to Reuters:

"Star Magazine's malicious claims about Katie are untrue, unethical and unlawful. Not only do they cruelly defame Katie, they play a cheap trick on the public, making ridiculously false claims on the cover unsupported by anything inside.

Someone should bring a class action to get all buyers their money back."

Katie's lawyer said that Star refused to take their story back and apologize. American Media on the other hand, says they are ready for a fight and can't wait to hear what Katie has to say in court about Scientology audits.

As we all raise our fists and scream, "US TOO!" Seriously, I hope they sell tickets to that trial and hand out bags of popped barley in the lobby. But we all know it's not going to come to that. Let's not be glib. Tommy Girl will leak Star a picture of John Travolta without his crotch merkin on in exchange for a settlement and a "we're so sorry" blurb that will be published on the back page with the crossword puzzle.

And the only drug Katie Holmes is on is a drug called Tommy Girl (copyright: Warlock Tiger Blood).

Here's a few pictures of Katie and Suri doing stuff in Vancouver yesterday. I'm temporarily ignoring those UGGS because I'm more traumatized by Suri's "I wish you into the volcano" stare.

Capri Anderson (born name: Christina Walsh), the leased piece who felt the terror when she stared into Charlie Sheen's coke canals of impending doom last month, made the media rounds yesterday to talk about the night Carlos Irwin Estevez brought the rage and forced her to lock her half-nekkid ass in the bathroom. Capri told both Good Morning America and Nightline that Charlie choked her ass out and threw a bunch of furniture at her after accusing her of stealing one of his fancy watches. Capri admitted that she was given $3,500 that night for her ho shit services and also said that Charlie tried to seal her mouth shut with a check for $20,000. But Charlie's queefing out a totally different story.

Charlie denies both choking Capri and trying to buy her off for $20,000. Charlie says that Capri is the one who tried to snatch $1 million out of his ass in exchange for her silence. Charlie believes his story so much that he's suing Capri for extortion. According to TMZ, Charlie's lawsuit states that Capri threatened to fuck with his probation unless he handed over a million dollars. Charlie is currently on probation in Aspen, CO for changing the lyrics to George Michael's "Last Christmas" from "I gave you my heart" to "I gave you a knife to the froat".

The lawsuit is kind of hilarious and should come with its own laugh track. Charlie says that Capri tried to "embarrass him" and cause "damage to his career" by spitting out lies to the media and prosecutors in Aspen. Charlie says that he never whooped that trick and acted like "a total gentlemen" the entire time.

A total gentlemen?! Tell that to the family of the chandelier lamp he viciously murdered! A total gentlemen would've given Capri a hotel robe or a napkin to put on before she locked herself in the bathroom. A total gentlemen would've offered her a snort of his coke appetizer before throwing a Chippendale chair at her ass. A total gentlemen would've calmly sat on the sofa with his legs crossed while he called her a dumb stupid whore whose got his $165,000 watch shoved up her snatch hole. That's how a TOTAL gentlemen behaves!

Charlie is also suing for the $165,000 watch he swears Capri stole. Capri's lawyer responded to the lawsuit with this statement to People:

"It's a blatant attempt by them to muddy the waters and confuse the situation. They are throwing a bunch of mud at the wall and hoping something will stick.

At the beginning of the night he was acting as a gentleman, but not at the end when he was threatening to kill her."

And why do I think that OctoSana and Mel Gibson will throw a plagiarism lawsuit at Charlie and Capri for stealing their act!

Amanda White, a producer on the documentary I'm Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix, claims that when she wasn't spraying herself down in OFF! to keep Joaquin Phoenix's beard ticks from jumping on her body, she was spraying the hose at Casey Affleck's dick to keep him from trying to get into her chonies.

Amanda is suing Casey for allegedly sexually harassing her during production of that shit. Amanda is asking for $2 million. The Hollywood Reporter says that Amanda's claims against Casey (who is married to Joaquin's sister Summer) include:

Casey told one of the crew members to show Amanda his peen even though she took a quote out of Aunt Sassy's mouth and said she didn't want to see that.

Casey regularly told Amanda about his slut antics, as well as the sex lives of other celebrities.

Casey referred to women as "cows" a lot.

When Amanda told Casey how old she was, he said, "Isn't it about time you get pregnant?"

Casey tried to manipulate Amanda into sharing a hotel room in San Francisco with him. When Amanda refused, he tried to intimidate her into staying him by grabbing her arm.

Casey and Joaquin fucked two hookers in Amanda's hotel room in Costa Rica.

Casey hired a few trannies and pussy peddlers for a shoot in Las Vegas without telling Amanda first.

Before production started, Amanda says that Casey and the production company orally agreed (too easy, keep struttin' along....) to pay her $50,000. When Amanda started complaining about Casey's (read this in a Carrie Prejean voice) inappropriate behavior and pressed him to get their $50k deal in writing, a lawyer from the production company started settlement discussions with her. Eventually Amanda couldn't take Casey's so-called perverted ways, so she left production without getting paid.

Casey is responding to Amanda's lawsuit by promising to counter-sue her ass. Casey's story is that Amanda was fired a year ago, and everything she's saying is a lie.

One of the most disturbing parts of this mess is that Amanda claims that Casey and his brother-in-law boned two pussy peddlers in the same room! Not only is that a conflict of interest, but who in toxic dick cheese hell would be in the same room as a nekkid Joaquin Phoenix without Hazmat around to supervise?!

A Manhattan veterinarian is throwing a lawsuit at the Hello Kitty butterfarty princess for not paying a $38,000 bill. Dr. Cindy Bressler says in the lawsuit that while Mimi was floating around the world promoting Precious, she took care of Mimi's three Jack Russell terriers named Cha-Cha, Dolomite and JJ. This is why Mimi needs to produce a baby unicornling now, because she has proven that she is a master at giving out fucked up names. I mean, Cha-Cha, Dolomite and JJ?! Bitches sound like the members of an all-female electro rap group from the early 80s.

Anyneonanalglands, TMZ says that Dr. Cindy's staff groomed and fed the dogs while Mimi was away. Dr. Cindy also states that only $8k of the $38k bill has been paid for. Dr. Cindy did not mention the time she defleaed the raggedy creature on Mimi's head, so I'm guessing that was on the house.

Mimi's custom-made Lisa Frank tampons cost more than that bill, so I'm not sure why she hasn't paid up yet. But the more important question is, what were those dogs getting that cost $38,000?! Anal gland scrubs with caviar? Intense therapy?! Yeah, the latter is probably it. Seriously, $38,000 is more than what Glitter grossed internationally!

When Steven Seagal isn't spreading the word of the Dalai Lama to his panda friends or calmly subduing criminals with his akido skills, he's drugging young girls and turning them out as his personal sex slaves! This is according to a young woman who has filed a $1 million lawsuit against Steven for sexual harassment and then some.

23-year-old Kayden Nguyen was hired as Steven's executive assistant last February, and she thought she would be doing secretarial stuff like answering phones and filing documents. But when she showed up to work on her first day, Steven wanted her to file his peen in her crotch cabinet instead.

According to Radar, the documents state that Kayden learned that Steven "had been keeping two young female Russian 'Attendants' on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." When one of the attendants quit, Steven hired Kayden to take her place. The gory details from Radar:

On her first night of work, Seagal allegedly engaged in physical and sexual assault by “pushing his hands under her shirt and attempting to fondle her bare breast,” and “forcing her head against his bare chest.”

Then she claims the next morning things got even worse. He allegedly “forcibly held her legs apart.” Then “forced his hand down her pants…” The document goes into graphic detail that isn’t suitable for all audiences.

Then the suit alleges a third physical assault took place a few hours later, where “Seagal forcibly lifted Ms. Nguyen’s blouse, forced his head on her bare chest and attempted to suck her breasts and nipples. He stopped only when she ran.”

After only a few days of work, Nguyen left the house on Sunday, February 28, 2010.

TMZ adds that Kayden is also claiming that Steven force fed her illegal pills.

Kayden is also suing Steven for illegal trafficking of females for sex, because she was hired in Los Angeles but flown to New Orleans to work in his house there while he filmed the A&E reality show Lawman.

You know, this makes sense, because the first and only time I drank an entire can of Steven Seagal's Lighting Bolt, I felt like I had been drugged and molested by an obese tiger.

And Fat Bastard should also file a lawsuit against Steven for blatantly stealing his look!