Reality TV

Because I have no self-respect, I spent 2 hours of my life watching the premiere of I'm A Famewhore.... Give Me Relevance last night. I really should've spent that time splashing my face with expelled douche water, because that's what it felt like. It was Spencer Twatt trying to out-douche himself over and over again. Meanwhile, Horsey Montag killed the jungle animals with her crying face of death. When she wasn't doing that, she was spraying her polyester mane with some kind of dry shampoo I guess she's trying to hawk. It probably smells like dehydrated butt nuggets, hot period juice and burnt fleshbeard.

And what about that prayer with Patti Blagojevich?! If you felt a rumbling down below, that was Satan laughing at that mess.

But the biggest asshole quote was when Spencer said that if they quit, their charities wouldn't suffer that much, because they chose the biggest ones. The sad part is that their shitnanigans proved to be the most entertaining part of the show. I really hate myself for falling for their fakery like that. But there's good news! I might be able to look at myself in the mirror again, because TMZ says Twit and Twat have quit the show for real this time after all their threats!

A source says that following the live part of the show last night, the two dumb boxes of pube hair walked the hell out. Apparently, they didn't come back. Unfortunately, that means they are coming to the States alive. Well, unless the producers care about humanity and blend them down into one of Sanjay's "protein shakes." They are both the color of yellow sperm, so Sanjaya wouldn't even know the difference.

I wish there was such thing as CLT+ALT+FLUSH INTO THE TOILET, because that's where this picture belongs. So why is Horsey Montag's face slowly melting into her lap? It's because she's got the sads. Well, also her face is 99% plastic and the Costa Rican heat is turning it into an overcooked Shrinky Dink, but mostly because she's sad. Heidi and her walking fleshy pube bush husband, Spencer Twatt, have been in South America for just a couple of days filming I'm A Famewhore, Give Me Relevance and they already want out! The reality show premieres tonight and Twit and Twat have already threatened to walk off twice!

A source told Ryan Seacrest that on day one of filming they complained about the conditions. The show is about a bunch of celebwhores trying to survive in the middle of the jungle, but these two dick farts thought they would be living the life. The source went on to say, "They wanted to be treated like stars. Spencer literally thought he and Heidi were staying in a Four Seasons, working out and getting a tan."

They also complained that the rest of the cast (which includes Janice Dickinson and Lou Diamond Phillips) just isn't starry enough for them. The source says that Heidi complained, "I wish they got some real celebrities like K-Fed."

Obviously, this is just some manufactured stunt that was created to get us to watch this desperate spectacle. Like Twit and Twat would ever walk away from a camera?! Not even if a tiger was mauling their pathetic asses. Speaking of, methinks Heidi doesn't have to worry about anything in the jungle attacking her ass, because there's not a beast on this planet (besides Spencer) that wants to put THAT in its mouth.

And what happened to you, Lou Diamond Phillips?! From La Bamba to Young Guns to 7 episodes of Numb3rs to THIS?! THE ECONOMY is really going too far, but Lou had other options! Seriously, selling your ass on the ho stroll is more respectable than this wreck of wrecks!

Just when I was starting to forget about the baby-holic with a uterus like a tenrec, she goes and does this! OctoMommy has proven that her pimp hand is stronger than ever! Octo will officially be coming to a Tivo queue near you, because she's just signed a deal for her own reality show! The show will come in handy when you feel like you need a reason to punch your private parts. Weeeee!

Octo's attorney told UsWeekly that she signed a deal on Thursday with Eyeworks. He describes the show as a “quasi-reality TV series." More like queasy reality series. Keep the Pepto-Bismol handy.

He went on to barf, "Nadya and the producers are hoping to have an arrangement whereby several events in the children's lives would be filmed in a documentary series. One of the events in the children's lives might be their first birthday. They might be several shows aired during a year. There are all kinds of possibilities. It really depends on what the networks want. Her television program will not be like the Jon and Kate Plus 8 show. Nadya is looking forward to providing her side of the story."

Hey, it was only a matter of time before she was going to shine up those babies and put 'em out on the ho stroll. And this sounds almost like Jon & Kate! Instead of Jon, Octo's co-star will be the saggy, hairless, lifeless mound of excess skin that desperately wants to be released from her body. I should correct myself. This will be EXACTLY like Jon & Kate.

Reality TV made Jessica Simpson a big star, so it's no surprise that she's shuffling back there in a bid to keep her name on your tongue (tastes like deep fried Crisco). UsWeekly says that Jessica and some friend will travel the world to see what different cultures see as beautiful. The show is called The Price of Beauty and her spokesbitch confirmed it, but wouldn't give up any details.

Some source said that Jessica and her friend will even try "shocking things that women do to make themselves beautiful. Picture Fear Factor."

Is there a place where they think getting your mouth sewn up makes you look more beautiful? If not, make it up and send Jessica there! Is there also a place where they believe throwing your father into a volcano turns you into an exquisite beauty? If not, make it up and send Jessica and Papa Joe there too!

If this crap ever makes it to air it could be a fun show to watch while playing a drinking game. Every time Jessica's dumb ass unwittingly offends someone of a different culture, drink a shot! Your liver would be raising a white flag after 10 minutes.

Kate Gosselin dragged her beaten down beaver hair onto Larry King last night to pimp out that book she wrote about being a big ass cunt. No, the book is about kiddes or something. But she really should write a book on how to embrace your cuntness, because she is quickly becoming my cunt idol.

Of course, Larry brought up the whole "Jon is bumping on a teacher" thing. Larry read a statement from Jon where he once again denied ever getting sexy with that woman. Kate blamed fame. But she also blamed Jon for being so stupid in the brains.

Kate told Larry, "I am not a celebrity. "I am a mom and a wife. And I feel that Jon is having difficult times realizing that, you know, you can't go to the grocery store without people whipping out their cell phones, calling everyone they know and taking pictures of you. He is dealing very poorly with it. And I feel like these, you know, things are making him realize, oh, my gosh, I cannot go anywhere without everyone knowing. I look at life as a glass half full is my attitude. And I feel like we have learned a lot, the kids have gained a lot. We have benefited a lot. And life lessons is -- you will see in our show. And this is full of life lessons. Life happens. And, you know, we all have to react to what happens to us. And I choose happiness. And I choose to survive anything."

And you also choose to be the biggest cunt who ever cunted. Heather Mills better hop up her game.

You know, does Jon do anything right, Kate? I'm sure can't pee pee right. He can't wipe his ass by himself right. He can't even cry over his slaughtered balls right. Shit, he can't even cheat right! The only thing he does right is do everything wrong! Preach it, Kate!

VIA UsWeekly

I know you barely slept one wink last night, because you had the worries in a bad way after hearing that Daisy de la Whora might have overdosed. You can breathe easy (you better turn your head and breath, because you might catch something from this pic) now, because the skanky Muppet didn't overdose! Daisy was just tired. Yes, tired. Tired of what exactly? Tired of being a low-down dirty slutwhoreskanktrickho? Taking your mouth from a dirty dick to a dirty bong to a dirty booze bottle all day isn't tiring. I should know.

Daisy's rep/dealer/pimp cleared up (wish I could say the same about those warts on her coozie) the rumors to E!, "Daisy was taken to the ER early this morning suffering from delirium as a result of exhaustion. here was no overdose. She is fine this evening and resting comfortably."

Can you believe she played the "exhaustion" card? She doesn't have the right. Chyna's mutant peen-clit is more famous than Daisy!

Bitch is delirious because the collagen in her lips seeped into her brains.

That didn't take long. Last night, UsWeekly posted some scandalous (not really) shit about how Jon Gosselin is creeping out on the mama je'e of his 8 million kids with a 23-year-old teacher. The brother of Jon's maybe mistress gave an eloquent interview to Us where he used the words "ick" and "nast" when describing his sister's fuck moans with Jon. Well, all parties involved have hit the old "deny" button. First up is Jon's supposed whore!

Deanna Hummel tells People that her brother is a looser (that's how we spell it around here) who will lie for drug money, "My brother is making this all up. He has no credibility ... I can't even stomach the lies he's saying about me. My brother is very shady. He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He's on probation right now. He wanted to get back at me ... he knows he's getting kicked out of the house."

So what she's basically saying is that her brother will soon be sharing a studio apartment with Jon once Kate puts his ass on the curb.

And what do Jon & Kate have to say about all of this? Jon tells EW, " It's really upsetting. I may be guilty of choosing the wrong time and place to hang out with my friends, but I am not guilty of cheating on my wife. It hurts me to see what it's done to my family, and it's scary to know that these tabloids are in town constantly following us and even paying locals large amounts of money to contribute to these negative stories. It's even gotten so bad that [one tabloid] has reached out to a youth pastor from our church, which in my eyes is completely unacceptable."

Kate added, "It's disturbing and unfortunate that these tabloids have gone as far as they have to try and bring us down. Jon's poor judgment and irresponsible behavior has also without a doubt caused some added tension and stress between the two of us."

Any bit of life Jon's nutsack had left was sucked out when Kate said that last part. I think I'm falling in love with Kate. I know most of the world wants to stuff her into a cage and leave her out in the sun all day, but I can't help it. She's such a fucking CUNT. With all capitals. Nothing warms my heart more than a major cunt who embraces her cunty ways.

UsWeekly is the Joey Greco of tabloids! Last week, they ran a cover story claiming Jon Gosselin was doing illegal sexy times with some 23-year-old trick. They both denied away. But UsWeekly isn't backing down and has shot Jon a Kate-approved death stare in the form of this cover. Es. Can. De. Lo.

UsWeekly has pictures, video and quotes from the brother of Jon's supposed mistress. Jason Hummel says his sister, third grade teacher Deanna Hummer (typo, but it belongs), first met Jon back in January at a club near both of their homes. During the weeks that followed, Jon wooed Deanna. When Kate was away on business, he would invite Deanna over to sunbathe her nalgas on the lawn of his house. And when she wasn't rubbing her business all over his grass, Jon was over at her house slapping his ruler on her chalkboard.

Jason, who probably had a can of Natty Ice in his hand while talking to Us, said this: "A lot of the time, it was pretty, um, gross listening to her, you know, um — how do I say this? The walls are thin. Let’s just say that. I mean, no one wants to hear his sister having sex, let alone with a married dude who's, like, almost twice her age and who has eight kids and a maybe-crazy wife. Ick. Nast."

"Ick. Nast."? That is the exact words I uttered when I first saw Kate's hair.

Jason, who is truly an underground poet, says he is speaking out about his sister's fuck life, because he needs the money so he can make another layaway payment on that sweeeeeet Trans Am he's been getting hard for. No, he said he's trying to protect her. Jason explains, "She's a nice girl, not a homewrecker. He is a bad liar. This isn't healthy for her. But she is refusing to help herself, so here I am trying to help her myself. I hope this clears the air." Yeah, yeah. Don't fuck me in the ass without lube and tell me it doesn't hurt. Jason should take some of his Hooters posters off the wall to make way for his "Brother of the Century" plaque.

So what happens next? Is Kate going to finish Jon off by Lorena Bobbitting his peen once and for all? Or are they going to keep denying all of this? I don't know. But I do know that everyone in Pennsylvania should be on the lookout for a rabid beaver hitchhiking along the highways. Once Kate finds out about this, the mangy beast on her head is going to bust out of there before the bloodbath begins.

On the Celebrity Apprentice a couple of weeks ago, Joan Rivers declared to Annie Duke that "pokah playas are beyond white trash." Joan probably got a million e-mails from pokah playas threatening to put her face under a heat lamp, because now she's saying she didn't mean ALL pokah playas. Just Annie.

Joan, who also called Annie a Nazi, tells Page Six, "Oh, calm down! I said it about one person. How can I hate poker players? Did you ever look at the cards? Everyone knows I love queens. Poker playing is a very noble profession. A little-known fact is Florence Nightingale had to choose between nursing and cards."

Yish, they definitely threatened to knock her face off and hand it to her. It wouldn't be hard, you would just have to scare and POP goes her face. Joan definitely said "POKAH PLAYAS." Plural.

I just hope she delivers more shiny gems like that on the season finale. And I highly recommend watching this show with your bong. Whenever Joan's face pops up on the screen, for a quick second my brain thinks it's watching an old episode of The Thunderbirds and it makes me kind of happy.

How awesome is it that Twit and Twat's butt fuck wedding wasn't the main cover story in UsWeekly! They were all ready to blow up the cover and hang it above their bed, so that they could jack to it every night. They've been trumped by Jon & Kate! Expect Horsey Montag to announce that she's pregnant with the spawn of Satan in 3..2..

In the new issue of UsWeekly, they have pictures of Jon, the tortured husband from Jon and Kate Plus 8, leaving a club near his house at 2 in the morn with some trick. According to a source, Jon showed up to Legends Lounge at around 11:30 at night. A few hours later, he was spotted leaving with a woman. The source said Jon "could barely walk."

Um, that's because he doesn't have a nutsack anymore. It's been gilded and is hanging on Kate's rearview mirror.

Jon was overheard telling the lady, "Hey, babe! Babe! Give me my jacket!" When he spotted the paps, he told her ass to get into the car and then they sped off into the night. ESCANDALO!

Jon tried his best to explain the whole thing to UsWeekly, "I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car. Yes, I have female friends -- but that is all she is. I'm not going to end my friendships just because I'm on TV."

"I let her drive it to her car" is code for "penis went into vagina", right?

Just because he was seen leaving a club with another chick doesn't mean they are doing illegal sex with each other. Jon probably hired her because he wants to know what it feels like to speak more than 2 sentences to another woman without her ripping his froat out with her bare teefs. Besides, Kate is never removing her claws from his no-nut area. She has a damn book to promote and 8 children to whore out. She can't do it alone!

And what dumb ass ho would have an affair with a dude who has 8 kids? Wait, was OctoCrazy in Pennsylvania recently?