Reality TV

How awesome is it that Twit and Twat's butt fuck wedding wasn't the main cover story in UsWeekly! They were all ready to blow up the cover and hang it above their bed, so that they could jack to it every night. They've been trumped by Jon & Kate! Expect Horsey Montag to announce that she's pregnant with the spawn of Satan in 3..2..

In the new issue of UsWeekly, they have pictures of Jon, the tortured husband from Jon and Kate Plus 8, leaving a club near his house at 2 in the morn with some trick. According to a source, Jon showed up to Legends Lounge at around 11:30 at night. A few hours later, he was spotted leaving with a woman. The source said Jon "could barely walk."

Um, that's because he doesn't have a nutsack anymore. It's been gilded and is hanging on Kate's rearview mirror.

Jon was overheard telling the lady, "Hey, babe! Babe! Give me my jacket!" When he spotted the paps, he told her ass to get into the car and then they sped off into the night. ESCANDALO!

Jon tried his best to explain the whole thing to UsWeekly, "I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car. Yes, I have female friends -- but that is all she is. I'm not going to end my friendships just because I'm on TV."

"I let her drive it to her car" is code for "penis went into vagina", right?

Just because he was seen leaving a club with another chick doesn't mean they are doing illegal sex with each other. Jon probably hired her because he wants to know what it feels like to speak more than 2 sentences to another woman without her ripping his froat out with her bare teefs. Besides, Kate is never removing her claws from his no-nut area. She has a damn book to promote and 8 children to whore out. She can't do it alone!

And what dumb ass ho would have an affair with a dude who has 8 kids? Wait, was OctoCrazy in Pennsylvania recently?

SPOILER ALERT!!! The plastic went flying on last night's Celebrity Apprentice. Finally, watching hours upon hours of this ridiculousness paid off. It all started in the boardroom when Melissa Rivers accused fellow plastic-face Brande Roderick and "pokah playa" Annie Duke of joining forces just so they could take her down. Donald Trump didn't buy the whines and he fired Melissa. Since Melissa and Joan Rivers' facelift scars are sewn together, Joan also packed up her shit and said she wasn't coming back.

Before they left, Joan unleashed her fury on Brande and Annie. It was amazing. Joan was so fucking mad. I thought her face was going to fly up into the air like pizza dough and stick to the ceiling. Then some poor sap crew member would've had to shuffle into the room, bring out a ladder and climb it so he could pry off Joan's face from the ceiling with a spatula. Meanwhile, Joan would've been running around the room like a lizard without a tail.

The part that made me laugh until my nipples burped was when Joan told Annie, "I met your people in Vegas for 40 years. None of them have last names! You're a pokaaaaaah playaaaa....a pokaaaaaah playa....That's beyond white trash! Pokah plays are trash, darling!" And then Annie responded with, "Poker plays are the most awesome people in the world." What the? Did this conversation happen in a vacuum, because all of them have had the sense sucked out of them. I feel like we need some kind of official debate on this subject. POKAH PLAYAS: Beyond White Trash or Awesome People Of The World?

And thanks to Melissa for introducing me to the insult, "YOU'RE A WHORE PIT VIPER." I love it when people just dig into their bag of words and use whatever comes out as an insult. "YOU'RE A SLUT MACAROON GARTER SNAKE!'

Who is the biggest queef in this picture? I really can't decide. The only thing missing is the smoke monster from Lost directly behind them ready to pounce. And by the look on Spencer Twatt's face, his yes-yes is getting a visit from a fisty friend. Blago is guilty as charged!

This is a promo picture for NBC's reality shit show I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. Yes, this is a picture released by the network in order to get you to watch these people on your television. This picture is about as enticing as....well....as a reality show starring these three completely full barf bags.

NBC announced 7 of the 10 "celebrities(???)" that will tossed in the middle of a jungle in Costa Rica. So far, the cast includes Twit, Twat, Janice Dickinson, Sanjaya, Stephen Baldwin, John Salley and Torrie Wilson. Basically, the "who's who WHO no really WHO?!" of Hollywood. Blago was supposed to be a part of the cast, but a judge ixnayed that plan. NBC says they will use Blago in some way even though he can't go to Costa Rica. Hopefully, they are saving him for the spin-off, "Somali Pirate Master."

Here's some pictures from today's press conference about this mess. When Janice D is the most famous person in a show, you know there's a problem.

Horsey Montag, Spencer Twatt, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Janice Dickinson, Geraldo Rivera and Rob Blagojevich are doing a reality show together. Unfortunately, it doesn't take place in the ninth circle of HELL! Shit, it doesn't even take place in the Congo, but they are going to the jungle.

So far, the six of them are part of the cast of NBC's I'm NOT RELEVANT A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. They will be dropped in the middle of the jungle in Costa Rica and forced to compete against each other. The fuckery starts airing on June 1st.

By the looks of the cast, this wreck should be called CUNT STEW. Who's next? Ann Coulter and the Hipster Grifter ? Actually, that's not a bad brain idea! Throw in a pack of hongray tigers, a few Somali pirates, the crazy Polar Bear stalker and we've got ourselves a real show!

VIA OK!

There really is a God and its name is Vh1, because my prayers have really paid off! Vh1 has announced that the greatest thing to ever happen to American Idol (next to Simon's chichis), Fantasia, will star in a reality show that will debut in 2010. Everybody wind your clocks forward really fast simultaneously, so 2010 can come sooner! Seriously, not since Being Bobby Brown....

The show will follow Fantasia as she dodges calls from collectors and fights with check cashing cashiers. You know, just a day in the life. This is the kind of show that was made just for drinking games! Every time they show Fantasia's bawling pits, you have to take a shot of Malibu and passion fruit Jello (I've really had that).

Seriously, my Tivo is even jizzing itself over this soon-to-be epic mess!

Fantasia's reality show will be brought to you by panty liners and Rosetta Stone.

Source

Tim Gunn can unplug his ears now, because the bitch fight between The Weinstein Company and NBC over Project Runway has come to an end. They were all tangled up in the courts for months after Harvey Weinstein took Bravo's prized dildo over to Lifetime. Both motherfuckers have put their dicks back in their pants. NBC issued this statement:

NBC Universal, The Weinstein Company and Lifetime have resolved their disputes. The Weinstein Company will pay NBCU for the right to move Project Runway to Lifetime. All of the parties are pleased with the outcome. Harvey Weinstein added, "I want to personally congratulate Jeff Zucker and NBCU on their success in the litigation and thank Jeff for resolving this in a professional manner. We look forward to working together on our ongoing projects."

This is what NBC wanted all along. They just wanted Harvey to shower cash all over them. I think they were stalling, so their soup kitchen version of Project Runway called The Fashion House could premiere first. The Fashion House premieres next month on Bravo and it sounds like it's beyond bootleg. Example? Isaac Mizrahi and Kelly Rowland are the host and judges. Yes, Beyonce's former wig holder. THAT Kelly Rowland. They really scraped the crud from the bottom of the barrel and slapped it on a piece of moldy outlet bread.

And I have a very important question? Who owns the rights to Kenley Collins? Bravo or The Weinstein Company? Because I'm really going to need one of those shows to recreate Kenley's pussy and apple throwing incident through fashion.

File this under: the biggest back-handed compliment ever. Actually, this might be just a straight-up bitch slap without the compliment part. And the hand belongs to FOX. They have ordered a reality show for "average-looking people" called More to Love. It comes from the makers of The Bachelor and is billed as the first dating reality show "for the rest of us." Okay, these dumb whores obviously don't watch their own show, because scrub the make-up off all the prostitutes in The Bachelor and they can is easily be stashed into the fugly bitches pile.

The producers are currently looking for a Kevin James-type who will date a handful of BBWs. The girls will also compete in various challenges. The president of alternative programming at Fox, Mike Darnell (who looks like THIS), said, "For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like. Why don't real women -- the women who watch these shows, for the most part -- have a chance to find love too?"

Yes, because "real women" are laying in their candy-wrapper covered beds, devouring an entire Entenmann's devil's food cake (delicious) while watching The Bachelor and thinking, "Why won't they let me humiliate myself on national TV too?!"

And you know that during the More to Love reunion special, the Kevin James-type will dump the chosen BBW for some skinny bitch and the world will explode. Those Bachelor producers are so obvious.

Source: The Hollywood Reporter

TOP CHEF SPOILER ALERT! You've been warned! Okay, nobody talks shit about Miss Carla. Nobody. That is a crime and the punishment is a lapdance from Hosea. Hosea is the worst.

As you know, our rainbow-hearted Angel lost last night and my middle finger is pointing right at that cunt Casey. Casey sabotaged the nicest person on TV and she knows it. Casey effed Carla up from the souffle to that meat in a Ziploc bag shit! Seriously, shake and bake is gourmet cuisine?

Casey is stabbing Carla in the back with a rusty knife yet again! This nasty ass witch went off on Carla to SideDish. This is the hateful trash she said about Beeker's precious baby:

Carla was not prepared and in over her head. The show did not talk about how the first course (crab) took her half of the friggin’ cooking time that day, I was left to work the rest of HER dishes.

She also did not have a plan. The ONLY thing she had in mind was a cheese course! I would NEVER do a cheese course. And where in the hell did french come from!? She is not even classically trained! It (the show) didn’t talk about how I worked on a sauce for 2 days and Carla forgot to put it on the plate… It didn’t show how the 2nd course (fish) was MINE. It didn’t show how she took the sous vide idea and decided to GRILL it last minute causing it to be tough… And it didn’t show how she WANTED to do the souffles which she does not even know how to make! That was HER food, because it certainly was me asking her how she wanted to do this and that while she was busy picking crab the entire time and making a souffle that didn’t rise!

I am done with TC. I did not influence her. She has NO ideas of her own, oh, except a cheese course.

Casey, the color of jealousy completely clashes with your cunty smile. This is not a good look. You know, Casey reminds me of Aniston just a wee bit. It makes sense that she would be so damn jealous of Carla. Carla is the spitting image of Angelina Jolie and Casey can't take it.

But seriously, why didn't Casey storm judges table and say this shit during the finale?! The ho could never say this to Carla's sunshine face. Casey hugged Carla and pretended like they were two cuddly kitten friends. HOODY HOO! This bitch needs a cheese course to the face! That didn't really sound like a mean threat, right? It sounds kind of delicious.

VIA ONTD

This kind of shit was bound to happen on one of those Vh1 hooker shows. Ray-J has the honor of being the first bitch to possibly have knocked up one of the sluts of his reality show. And of course, it has to be the bitch with the tiger tattoo on her face. Does she realize that when she's 50 that tiger is going to look like a mangy alley cat? Her face to fuck up, I guess.

22-year-old Monica Leon, who goes by the name Danger on For the Love of Ray-J, has ran off and told the National Enquirer that she's 3-months pregnant with Ray-J's baby. What's even more special is that Monica claims they made a baby on the set of that tramp show. What a beautiful thing. The baby already has to deal with the shame of having a mommy with a permanent pussy on her face, but now it's going to grow up to find out it was conceived on rented sheets on a rented bed in a rented whore house. For the Love of Jay is the trashiest home movie ever.

Monica told the Enquirer, "There is no way the baby can be anyone's but Ray J's. I was locked in a mansion with him and 13 girls from October until the end of December. Toward the end of the first week of filming, we made love for the first time - and we slept together every night after that! I didn't want to fall for Ray J, but he was so charming it became impossible not to. I was in love with him, and as strange as it might sound, I think he loved me."

Made love?! That tiger on her face just gave her the side-eye. When a dude you've known for a week sticks his sideway peen in your puss without a rubber on and busts a load, that's not love, that's fucking grade A stupidity! If she didn't catch a baby, she would've caught the coochie cough!

And can someone get a camera crew to Whitney Houston's crack den when she finds out. That wig is going to hit the ceiling and every doodle bubble in her ass is going to burst.

But seriously, Vh1 could find a way to turn this into a show. For the Sake of a Child Support Check! Maury Povich would host, obviously.

This shit also doesn't mean it's Ray-J's kid. I mean, if Monica fucked him without a condom, she probably sat on a toilet seat without spraying it down with some Hazmat-approved spray cleaner. That means one of the other tricks in the house could've dropped a rogue jizz ball from her snatch onto the toilet seat and Monica's vag picked it up. HEY! I watch Forensic Files. Anything is possible.

I know, I know. It's way too early for Lil Kim's overcooked Shrinky Dink face, but get used to this precious mug. It will grace your television screens twice a week beginning in March, because Kim will be part of the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy! The entire cast was announced last night and I recognized 90% of the has-beens or never-wases! Most of them still aren't "stars," but if you combine all their fame together you might get half of a star, so the producers are getting close!

I'm calling it right now that Lil Kim is going to win that 99-Cent store trophy at the end! The bitch probably dances like a chipmunk with a heated curling iron up its ass, but her face will kill the competition. Literally! On the first episode, everyone's going to gather on the dancefloor, take one look at Kim and either a) blackout b) run for cover or c) try to eat her face off to stop the madness. Either way, Kim has got this. And think of the nip and pussy slips! The FCC is going to make it mandatory just to cover up her whole body (and face) with a giant censored bar at all times just in case.

Anytrannywiththirddegreeburns, the rest of the cast pretty much gives Ambien a run for its sleepy money. Here's the rest:

Belinda Carlisle - Kim and Belinda can bond by injecting cooking oil into their faces together!
David Alan Grier - Think Cloris Leachman but less charming and with more annoying shenanigans!
Jewel - This won't save her soul or her career.
Lawrence Taylor - WHO?!
Shawn Johnson - Nasty Nastia totally passed this mess and Shawn was the next best thing.
Gilles Marini - If he doesn't flash the peen here like he did in Sex and the City, then I'm not interested.
Ty Murray - Jewel's husband and that's about it!
Chuck Wicks - See Lawrence Taylor.
Steve-O - Steve-NO is more like it.
Nancy O'Dell - Could have been worse. Could have been fucking Lara Spencer!
Denise Richards - Get ready for cunt eyes and moves like paraplegic ice cube.
Steve Wozniak - THE WOZ! He belongs on America's Next Top Teddy Bear You Want to Cuddle, not on this shit.