Reality TV

It's back to the janitor's closet for CHERYL BURKE! Mop Head and her partner Maurice Greene were given the heave-HO on "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night. It was a bittersweet moment for me. Yes, CHERYL BURKE is my arch rival and she makes my hair hurt, but she's the only one that got any emotion out of me. When I watch CHERYL BURKE sweep the floor with her mop head, I have to sit on my fists (not in the nasty way) to keep them from punching my TV. I HATE HER.

CHERYL BURKE does that to me, but at least she does something! The other boring ass bitches put me to sleep. It's like Ambien, Sominex, Nytol and Lunesta dancing around out there.

Whenever Brooke Burke prances around, I just get up and go pluck my nose hairs, because I know the judges are going to queef over her. And when the other three start their sleep dances, I get myself a big cup of Sleepytime tea and cuddle under a soft blanket, because I know I'm about to drift out to dreamland.

At least with Maurice and Mop Head gone, I don't have to hear that "chicken dinner" shit anymore!

It's a good thing La Lucci got out of "Dancing with the Has-Beens" when she did, because if she stayed, she would be laid up in a full body cast right now. CHERYL BURKE has struck again! First it was Misty, then Brooke, then Julianne, then Lacey, and now Kym Johnson! According to TMZ, Kym, who is Warren Sapp's partner, busted her shoulder during rehearsals and it may require surgery. I wonder how those marbles got there!

However, Mop Head hasn't completely sabotaged Kym, because she will dance tonight! They need to seriously put an army of Swiffers around the dancefloor when Kym performs, because Mop Head won't go near that shit!

The dudes better star wearing Dirt Devils around their necks as protection from the mop headed witch, because they're next!

The two of you that still watch "Stylista" know what I'm talking about when I say: WTF is up with Cologne's eyelashes?! I could barely concentrate while watching this shit show last night, because I couldn't stop staring at the chunky spider legs covered in tar that sit on her eyelids. I don't even suffer from arachnophobia and her lashes gave me the chills.

I decided to do a little google detective work to see what I could find about her arthropod-lashes. In an interview with Jolie Nadine, Cologne says her lashes are naturally long, "I get a lot of flack for wearing a lot of mascara, but I just like the 60’s Twiggy look and I was just born with really long thick lashes–I swear I only wear 2 coats."

Well, then you need to use a half coat, because Tammy Faye is giving you the "no she didn't" look from heaven.

Last night on Stylista (yes, I'm watching that trash), one of the gays, Jason, had a complete freak out, because he was so afraid that one of his fucktard teammates would call him out during judging.

It just started out as a rash (it always does) and quickly turned into a full-blown, pube-ripping, tongue biting, panic attack! I mean, this bitch was on the floor having some sort of exorcism! Some hos came to his aid, but other skanks (like that cunt Megan) just sat back and watched. They could have hit him with a dick or shoved a valium up his cooch! Something! The dude was hysterical. I shouldn't talk, because that's how I get when the bartender cuts me off at the bar.

Instead of freaking out, Jason should have taken his angst out on that cuntwitch Megan! I just want to smoosh her face into a piece of Play-Do so that I can mold it into a heart and then stomp all over it! She makes me so angry! Every time she comes on the screen, I want to take a dump in my favorite pair of shoes as punishment for willfully watching her fuckery!

In the end, the ambulance people came and carted Jason away to the nearest loony bin. No, he was just taken to the hospital, but showed up right before judging. I was expecting Anne Slowey to say to him, "You're such a drama queen!" That's what Miranda Priestley would've said.

Lacey Schwimmer (right), Lance Bass' (left) partner on "Dancing with the Has-Beens," told The Insider yesterday that she's been diagnosed with endometriosis, the same condition Julianne Hough has. Julianne had to go to surgery for it yesterday. Julianne said she'll be back to dancing in a couple of weeks.

Lacey said she only went to the doctor after realizing she had the same symptoms as Julianne. Lacey's doctors told her yesterday, so she called up The Insider and gave them the news! According to Lacey, she's in the early stages of the condition and won't have to go to surgery, but she is taking medication for it.

It will be business as usual for Lacey and she'll be dancing next week.

CHERYL BURKE is on a rampage! It's funny that Lacey and Lance were the front-runners this week and now this happens! Mop Head has to go before Susan Lucci breaks one of her nails or something! Seriously, if La Lucci breaks a nail, she won't be able to dance. She's fragile. We need to grab our Swiffers and form a prayer circle around La Lucci to keep her safe!

The Lucille Ball of reality dance shows was given her walking stumbling papers last night from that one show featuring half-nekkid has-beens dry bumping on ballroom dancers. Some H8RS have been waiting for this moment including that fake bitch Carrie Ann!

On Monday's show, Carrie Ann basically said that Cloris needs to go. And then after her elimination last night, Carrie Ann said she loved her! Carrie Ann, please go choke on CHERYL BURKE'S mop head and stop faking your love for Cloris!

Anyway, Cloris doesn't need that dollar store trophy! After she downs a couple of Thunderbird and Metamucils (she's hardcore like that), she's off to Berlin to start shooting "Inglourious Basterds" with Brad Pitt. Once she's done with that, she might play Frau Blücher in "Young Frankenstein" on Broadway. Cloris really wanted the role when the show first opened on Broadway, but producers thought she would die during the run, so they rejected her memaw ass. Cloris told OK!, "Mel Brooks wants me to come back to Broadway and take over my role in the musical Young Frankenstein. We’ll talk about that and figure it out.”

Now that front-runner (HA!) Cloris is out of the way, that pretty much means Brooke Burke is going to win this crap. Yawnsville. America has forgotten that this is TV show and not a fucking dance contest! Vote for the hot bitches not the dumb whores who can dance. Who cares about that!?

I'm also sad to see Cloris go, because that means I probably won't be typing her name as much. My dyslexic ass has accidentially typed "clitoris" instead of "Cloris" on numerous occasions. Oddly enough, typing the word "clitoris" kind of gives me a tingle down there.

It was group number time on "Dancing with the Has-Beens" last night and they decided to do some kind of hip hop shit, but it looked more like a Fly Girls audition on the short bus.

Cloris was Cloris and ran around like Lucille Ball holding in an enema. But the real star of the number was Susan "Rhymes With Hoochie" Lucci. If you watch the shit above, just keep your eye on her in the white jeans. She busts it out at the 4:25 mark. At the 6:13 mark she really brings that shit home by doing the booty slide against Lacey. Although, it's more like a "I dropped mah last Estroven pill" slide. I really don't think she learned the same dance as the others. She's like Riverdancing or some shit.

AND FUCK CARRIE ANN! FUCK HER! How dare she tell Cloris that she should've gone home last week instead of Toni Braxton. America wants to be fucking entertained not put to sleep! I knew there was a reason why that Carrie Ann bitch gave me the dry runs. Carrie Ann, go into the janitor closet with Mop Head and fucking stay there! And I can't believe Carrie said that shit after Cloris did this graceful move below. Skip to the 1:20 mark. I think she broke a hip.

Ladies and whores, in one corner we have Florence "Grouchy Granny Panties" Henderson and in the other we have Cloris "Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time" Leachman! Actually, add a few more hating bitches to Florence's corner. It seems that everyone is getting sick of Cloris' crazy memaw shtick on DWTS.

Mrs. Brady told Life & Style (via LA Times) that 82-year-old Cloris is an embarrassment to memaws. She said, "I hope the audience doesn’t think all older people act like her. I love Cloris, but sometimes she acts like she’s not all there, or she’s wandering around the ballroom acting silly."

Florence needs to add a little rum to her Ovaltine. It might lighten her up a bit. Cloris acts like she's not all there, because she's not! She's always on Planet I Don't Give A Fuck and that makes for some good entertainment!

Florence isn't alone. The Chicago Sun-Times reports that a bunch of whores working on the show want Cloris to beat it. A source said that Susan Lucci and robot Samantha Harris are both sick of better dancers being sent to the glue factory instead of Cloris.

The source said, ''We thought it would be fun to have Cloris on ... and expected her to maybe make it through one or two weeks. But now it's gone from people being amused -- similar to the way it was with Jerry Springer -- to being downright concerned."

Stick your dick in a blender and press pulse. The show is not that serious! It's a stupid reality show featuring has-beens and never-was-es! They aren't working on a respectable reality show like "Rock of Love." They are all just jealous, because Cloris is the star!

That said, they need to settle this on the finale with a.....CAGE FIGHT! Cloris versus all of those ugly ass complainers! She'll mop the floor with all of them! Of course, she'll save CHERYL BURKE for last, because her MOP HEAD will get those tough to reach spots.

While watching "The Hills" last night, I could feel my two working brain cells slowly melting inside my skull. That show is like watching a raggedy pigeon eating a rotten hamburger patty on the street. It's gross, painful and a little boring, but I still can't look away. I can only imagine what 20-something minutes of Whitney Port is going to be like.

Above is the trailer for Whitney's new bore fiesta "The City." This shit should have been called "Hey, How Was your Weekend?" or "The Art of Pushing a Rack of Clothes." The show follows Whitney as she sleep walks through NYC with her mouth open. That said, I'll probably put my twin brain cells through more torture by watching this boiled cucumber show.

And just for the record, there's only one real "The City" and that shit starred Morgan Fairchild. Clip below:

Brooke Burke jacked up her foot yesterday while rehearsing with her peen-loving "Dancing with the Has-Beens" partner Derek Hough. She probably tripped on his twinkle dust.

A spokeswhore for ABC tells People that Brooke put ice on her shit as soon as she was injured. They drove her ass to the hospital just to be safe. The docs said her foot isn't broken, but they did say that her partner does love sweaty balls in his mouth.

Brooke only suffered a slight bruise and she will dance tonight!

This is the third injury of the season. Misty had to drop out after she effed her shit up.

The injury was obviously meant for CHERL BURKE, not Brooke Burke. The message must have gotten lost in translation. Actually, Cheryl probably had something to do with Brooke and Misty's injuries. The Mop Head plays dirty and will do anything to win! Someone put the A-Team on Cloris. Mop Head is going after her next!