Reality TV

Yes, I know Irv Richards is wearing his celly on his waistband. He's the only one allowed. He needs his hands free at all times to slap Denise Richards in the mouth if need be.

Irv has become the breakout star of Denise Richards' reality show "I'm Constipated." That's why they should give him his own show since Denise's show is facing cancellation. Star Magazine claims that the show will probably not see a second season due to shitty numbers.

A source said, "The numbers started out pretty good -- just over 1.5 million tuned into the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. Denise has turned into an unappealing reality star." This is Denise Richards we're talking about. She's about as pleasant as a salad tossing from a cactus.

The source went on to say that viewers complained when Denise used the "cunt" word. "Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language." That's funny, because that's when I got on the Denise slutwagon. She brought the word "cunt" back into my life. I try and use it as much as possible now. I don't even know my dog's anymore. I just say, "Come here, Cunt." I'm joking! Put down the phone to Peta. You know how they are.

This post is for the three of you out there that actually watched "The Next Food Network Star." Aaron McCargo Jr. already won that shit. He beat out Adam Gertler and my personal favorite, Lisa Garza. Well, get this shit! The Food Network has also given Adam is own show. Fuck me with a crooked pork chop, because this isn't right! Lisa is the true star. Nobody can squint their eyes like she can. And nobody can rock white anal beads the way she can! She also reminds me of Suri Cruise in 40 years.

Anyway, TVSquad reports that Adam's caca fiesta called "Will Work for Food" will debut on September 30th. One of the HBIC of the Food Network said, "He earned millions of fans across the country, who have let us know that we have a second star in our midst. We feel this series is a perfect fit for his talents, letting him showcase his brand of humor while he works for food."

Please, head whores of the Food Network! Hear my plea! Give that Star Trek-looking bitch her own show! The clip below can be her opening. "Welcome my friends to my beautifully basic buffeeeeeeet"

Thanks Ted in LA

Another reality show! This one is brought to you buy former meth head and new mom Jodie Sweetin. Steph Tanner from "Full House" told People that she's shooting the show in a couple of months.

Jodie's husband, Cody Herpin (HERPES!), will also be in it. She said, “We are in talks with a couple of networks right now. We have one picked out, but nothing is signed yet. We actually got approached about doing it by multiple people. It was one of those things where we were like, ‘Wow. Let’s totally do it.’ I think it’s sort of a fun way to show the other side of celebrity and a sort of semi-normal life.”

She wouldn't say what the title of the show is going to be, but you can probably take a guess. Let me see... It's either going to be "The Sweetin Life," "Sweet N' Herpes," How Rude," or "From Meth Pipe to Baby Bottle."

That being said, I will have to put my Tivo through more trauma by recording this shit. One day, my Tivo is going to cross its arms (mine has arms) and scream, "NOT TODAY!"

Former Vice President Dan Quayle is reportedly in the running to join the cast of "Dancing with the Has-Beens Stars."

Extra reports that Dan is on the short bus list along with Kim KardASSIAN, Lance Bass, Florence Henderson and Warren Sapp. Al Sharpton has already said he rejected an offer to do the tango.

ABC is seriously asking the wrong politician. Dan Quayle is about as exciting as this post. ABC should really ask Larry Craig. The bitch already knows how to tap dance and I'm sure he has the time.

ABC will announce the entire cast in the next couple of weeks. Seriously, Larry Craig better be on that list.

This post has a few spoilers, so close your eyes and count to 20 if you don't want to know anything. Or just go and eat your 5th glazed donut of the day.

Wesley confirmed to People that he's bumping boypussies with fellow "Project Runway" contestant Daniel. There were tons of rumors on the internets that they were dating after both hos changed their MySpace profiles to "in a relationship." They also listed each other as their "Top Friend." Damn, MySpace!

Wesley said, "We met on the show. And we tried to keep it very professional on the show because we were both there for our careers, and we didn’t expect this to come out of it. But I’m really happy.” Damn, those sluts worked fast! Wesley was only one the show for like ten minutes. Hey, you can't deny true love.

They are still together and Wesley said he's shocked that it's such a big deal. Blah...blah... What I really want to know is who's the top and who's the bottom? They probably don't even do sexy times. They get off by sewing shit together and watching fashion TV.

Screw these two! I want to know more about the secret romance between Stella and Terri! They are totally doing it. And by "it" I mean nothing.

P.S. - My favorite part of last night's episode was when Neeeeena Garcia said something like, "Shiny, tight, and short is the quickest way to look cheap." Cut to Heidi Klum wearing something shiny, tight and short. Cat fight!

Surprise, surprise. Bret Michaels and Rock of Love 2's winner, Ambre Lake, broke up. Like they were ever together. You know what this means? Yup, Rock of Love 3 will be back on Vh1 early next year. This kind of sucks, because the genital warts I caught from watching last season were just starting to clear up.

This time around Bret is filling his tour bus with a bunch of skanks and bringing them on the road with him. They will travel across the country with Bret on a month-long-tour. Most of the skanks will feel right at home since they probably grew up in a trailer.

Each time the tour bus stops in a new city, the whores will complete in challenges and one will be left off the bus. It will be called Rock of Love Bus.

This shit is not about finding love. This shit is about watching a bunch of chicken heads get drunk and do ho shit in their natural environment.

I will only watch this show if the sexy bitch on the right in the picture above is in it. Who am I fooling? I'm going to watch it anyway. I can't wait for the Waffle House challenge. You know there's going to be one.

First things first, WTF is Shayne Lamas wearing in this picture? The Empress of Lucite would not approve of this trash! Did the Chanel Baby outlet store have a "everything must go" sale or something?

Anyway, at the Bachelorette finale, Shayne and Matt told everyone they were still together and to not believe the rumors. Well, here's another rumor for Shayne to deny.

A source told Page Six that Shayne was in Las Vegas last Tuesday with Justin Weneger, some media magnate ho. They were apparently "hooking up" at Blush in the Wynn. A source said, "Matt has no idea. She hasn't dumped him yet."

Shayne needs to end her fake relationship with Matt, so that she can become the next "Bachelorette" and find her next fake boyfriend. My Monday nights haven't been the same without hearing Shayne coo, "Oh my god. I love you soooooooo much" at least once.

Lance Bass is reportedly all set to join the cast of "Dancing with the Has-Beens" next season, but his involvement has left the network executives scratching at their toupees. Rush & Molly reports they aren't sure whether to partner him with a dude or a chick. Um...why don't they just ask him?

ABC has gays on some of their shows, but I can clearly imagine some of the uptight dick bags who watch DWTS threatening to boycott the show. They will say shit like it's a "family show" and they don't want their kids seeing this crap. I can already hear them squawking.

If they are going to pair him with a dude, there's only one dude for the job...Maksim Chmerkovskiy! That hot piece needs to make a triumphant return to the show. Yes, he's straight, but it's dancing not fucking!

You know who Lance is probably going to be paired up with? My greatest enemy Cheryl Burke! I just know it. UGH! Look at her below! I just want to grab her skanky ass, dip her moppy head in a bucket of diluted Pine-Sol and then scrub the shit out of my kitchen floor with her. She makes me so mad!

The tranny tale romance between New York and Tailor Made is over! This only proves that true love does not exist. They were the romance of our time!

A source told People that Tailor Made's contract was up and he was getting lock jaw from sucking New York's dick so much. NO! The source really said, “He had come to the conclusion that he couldn’t handle the relationship anymore. It was too distracting to his life, his career and his daughter. He couldn’t consistently be involved in that kind of drama.”

A rep for Vh1 said they broke up in March and all the drama will be shown on New York's new reality show "New York Goes To Hollywood To Get A Sex Change."

The source also claims that New York and Tailor Made only stayed together after "I Love New York 2" for the sake of her new show, “When they began shooting, he played it up that they were still together even though they weren’t. They had an understanding because he has respect for Tiffany.” You mean to tell me that reality show relationships are fake?! NOOO! Shane and Matt from the Bachelor are still in love. I know it!

Seriously, this news sucks for Tailor Made, but it's good news for all you tranny lovers out there! So you can cancel your account to TransPersonals and instead send your picture and stats to New York!

Source

The American version of the reality shit show Big Brother begins its 10th season this Sunday night. Yeah, ten seasons of dumb twats getting drunk, being slutty and saying offensive bullshit. Sounds like my family reunions.

CBS unveiled the cast of dick bags this morning. There's a gay cowboy, a blonde slut and some douche named Memphis. Fuck all those skanks, because I have already found my favorite. His name is Jerry and he's a real-life great pepaw from Texas! 75-year-old Jerry loses some points because in his bio he doesn't mention Werther's original, Metamucil or warm compresses. That being said, Grand Pepaw Jerry is going to win this bitch. Trust this.

The producers also cast a Nick from BB8 body-alike named Jessie (below). Ha. He spells his name liks a girl. Jessie is a 22-year-old bodybuilder from CA. I don't know whether to lick him or put a hex on him. His body is kind of creeping me out. That many muscles could only mean one thing: SMALL PEEN! And you know Grand Pepaw Jerry is totally going to gay out with this bitch.