Alien Voodoo

Scientologists don't believe in anti-depressants, because when they want to get happy, they fuck themselves in the butt with an e-meter can while humming the theme to Close Encounters of a Third Kind. So it's not exactly surprising that Kirstie Alley is throwing ten balls of hate at the anti-depressant Abilify for using cartoons in their commercials. The Jabba the Hutt of Scientology spent yesterday and today ranting on Twitter about how Abilify is targeting children by using cartoons. Kirstie may not have a PhD in pharmacology, but she has a PhD in batshit lunacy, so she definitely knows what she's talking about. Here's the truth according to Dr. Kirstie:

So Kirstie is hating on a pill that claims to help with depression and yet she's the member of a "religion" that claims to cure gayness? Oh, Kirstie, never stop being you. This bitch needs some Abilify. And you know, I think I'd rather suffer from dizziness and have trouble swallowing (I can't believe I just typed that, my social life is ruined) than be a Scientologist. So Kirstie, you stay worshipping an alien god and we'll stay pilled up.

via Radar

Usually, John Travolta's the one who needs a healer to massage the pain away (example: "I've got an ailment in my anus. Can you knead it out?" - John Travolta), but he recently used his Scientology powers to magically heal a car crash victim's broken ankle.

John tells the Scientology publication Celebrity Magazine (via Celebuzz) that when he was in Shanghai for some work stuff, he met a man who was suffering from ankle pain and he rebuked the OWWWs from the dude's body using a technique called an "assist." The name of a Scientology healing technique would have the word "ASS" in it. John said this craziness:

“I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies’ best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, ‘Okay sure’. People were standing around watching as I did them. You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said ‘I feel better’ so I said ‘Okay end of assist.’ He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more.”

Celebuzz says that according to the Scientology handbook, an assist is "a process whereby a Scientologist helps an individual to heal himself — or to be healed by another agency — by removing his or her reasons for precipitating and prolonging his condition and lessening their predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition."

What a fancy and technical explanation! Let me put it into words we can all understand. Basically, during this particular Scientology assist, John Travolta pressed his fingers and the tip of his tongue on specific pressure points on the man's dick. In between pressing his tongue against pressure points on the man's peen, John told him to channel that pain from his ankle up into his nutsack. As John continued to rub those pressure points, he told the man to release that pain out of his dick hole. John rubbed harder and faster while shouting, "Shoot that pain paint, good man! Let it out!" Then after the man released the pain, John said, "End of assist."

And no, I didn't just write Scientology gay porn starring John Travolta. I wrote about a medical procedure. Get your brain out of the gutter. But seriously, that man only said he felt better, because he wanted John Travolta to get away from him.

And every time you give a hand job, you need to stand back up and say, "End of assist." That's a good line!

Many many many ex members of Scientology who were lucky enough to not get tossed into a volcano by the fiery hand of Xenu upon their exit have talked openly about L. Ron Hubbard's silent birth shenanigans. Scientologists believe that a newborn baby has already been through some serious shit and the last thing it needs is its mother's "MAH PUSSAY IS BLOWIN' UP" screams knocking the womb jelly out of its precious ears. During a Scientology birth, no music, talking or screeching is allowed. Can you imagine pushing out an entire human out of your twat hole and some motherfucker says to you, "SHHH." L. Ron Hubbard IS HATEFUL!

Anyways, because of this, Radar's news that Kelly Preston is going to stick an epidural in her tongue during labor isn't surprising at all. Apparently, Kelly did the whole SHHH labor thing for all her children, so obviously she's going to do it with this one. A former high-level member of Scientology explained the silent birth process like this: "One is meant to be as silent as possible so as to not give the child a 'birth engram' with 'hypnotic' type phrases and sounds that will re-stimulate him later in life. Engram is a term used in Scientology that refers to a 'recording' of a past painful event not normally accessible to the conscious mind."

You might be wondering how John Travolta is going to keep from flailing and wailing like Minnie Mouse getting waxed when faced with Kelly Preston's vagina, but that's not going to be a problem. The most stressful thing John and Kelly have to deal with is picking out a fourth-trimester baby pillow with a silent zipper and quiet feathers.

Kirstie Alley has signed a deal (in donut frosting) with A&E to star in her own reality show. This shit is going to make the bitches on Hoarders, Intervention and Obsessed look like healthy and sane individuals.

Radar says that cameras will start rolling this month. The show will mostly focus on Kirstie's struggle with losing the chunk. And I'm sure the show will also follow Kirstie as she hides in Jamie Foxx's bushes and steals used condoms out of his trash can. Seriously, those of you who have been to the Land of Crazy (aka Kirstie's Twitter page) know what I'm talking about. Kirstie loves Jamie Foxx almost as much as she loves deep fried barley. Almost.

Here's a few recent examples:

"Enough of haters. Haters are lonely little rat people with 3 followers who love to hate also. Let's talk about LOVE stuff. LOVE Mr. Foxx!"

"I'm going to make a big announcement on Oprah TUESDAY..No, I'm not pregnant with Mr. Foxx's love child.....that I know of"

"I think the baby name will be JAIMTIE ALLEY FOXX ...gotta admit it's original...and NO ONE else will steal it!"

"Gotta go make love to Mr. Foxx... He hates it when i keep him waiting.. Be back in 7 hours unless he's over the flu. In which case... 9"

Actually, I'm going to excuse myself now, because that kind of looks like my diary entries about Anderson Cooper. Hmmm...I wonder if the free clinic has opened a psych ward yet?

Tommy Girl's Scientolohole must be screaming into a bowl of ice cream this morning, because his Church of Aliens has lost a famous member. Paul Haggis (the Oscar-winning director of Crash) has spit out the barley, turned in his foil cap and delivered a giant "fuck you" to L. Ron Hubbard. After being a member for 35 years, Paul is leaving the crazy, because he's sick of their constant gay bashing and for denying the "disconnect policy" which states that Scientologists have to cut off bitches who don't believe that thetans live inside our pores (or something).

Paul addressed the letter to the Church of Scientology's insane spokesalien Tommy Davis (son of Anne Archer). Paul states that he was very vocal about his disappointment with Scientology's support of Prop 8. Paul also mentions an interview Tommy Davis gave to CNN where he denied that existence of the "disconnect policy." This made Paul's nipples burn with anger, because his own wife was forced to say "peace out" to her parents after they left the alien-loving cult.

The letter, which was originally published on Mark Rathbun's site, is after the jump. It pretty much speaks for itself. I don't think Paul deserved an Oscar for Crash, but he definitely deserves one for this letter, so we're even now. And how much do you want to make a bet that Tommy Girl is now calling Paul Haggis "Paul Faggis."? Tommy is a master at insults! JUMP!!!

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."

Shelley Duvall hasn't made a movie since 2002 and the neighbors in her town say it's because she's too busy trying to keep the aliens from taking over her body. L. Ron Hubbard just jizzed in his chonies. So did Fox Mulder.

One neighbor of Shelley's in Blanco, Texas told The Globe (via CM) that she has been seen patrolling her backyard late at night, because she really believes her home is a portal for aliens. Another neighbor said that Shelley thinks she can communicate with aliens by flashing her car's headlights. The owner of a local hardware store also co-signed Shelley's obsession with aliens, "She mutters to herself and talks about aliens living in her body. One time she came in and asked for dirt and boards to block up a hole in her backyard because, she said, 'That's a portal into another dimension. That's where the aliens are coming in.'"

You know, watching The Shining effs with my brains a bit, so I can't even imagine how it fucked with Shelley. That being said, the whores of Blanco need to stop blabbing about Shelley's boner for alien shit. Seriously, if Tommy Girl hears about this, he's going to FedEx Stepford Katie back to Dawson's Creek, head to Blanco and make Shelley Duvall his next beard! We can't let that happen to Olive Oyl!

Line deliverer, marathon cheater, Judy Garland hater, cyborg beard, Posh wannabe and now fashion designer. WWD says that Stepford Katie's fancy fashion line with her stylist Jeanne Yang will debut this fall at Maxfield in Los Angeles. Katie should have debuted it at the Scientology gift shop, because those are the only whores who are crazy enough to buy this mess. Besides, Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will squirt on them if they don't buy every piece.

The line is called Holmes & Yang (that sounds like the whackest rap duo of all-time) and will feature clothes for children and femaliens.

Katie needs to be programmed to learn that just because she's married to a flamer, doesn't mean she automatically knows fashion. It would make more sense if she co-designed a line of strap-ons with Jada Pinkett.

Most of us know that Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, has been hypnotized by the alien evil lords. One year, she gave Scientology her entire year's salary: $10 million. But now she has gone too far. Nancy has dragged Bart into this fucking trainwreck! Or should I say spaceshipwreck?

Nancy is robo-calling for Scientology using the voice of Bart. Even my ears screamed "OH MY XENU."

Homer needs to come get his child and choke the L. Ron Hubbard out of him! And Matt and Fox need to come their lawyers so they can sue the fuck out of this crazy troll.

Poor Bart. I wonder what kind of shit Scientology has on him now?

That circle jerk with Milhouse and Martin was just meaningless experimenting, Bart. It won't ruin your career, because we won't hold it against you. Just step away from the aliens....

VIA Village Voice

Roger Friedman of Fox News wrote about Will Smith's charitable foundation "just-released" tax returns. You probably can't get a hold of a personal tax return, but if you should happen to come across mine, all those large purchases I wrote off from an establishment called The Pink PussyCat were for research, ok? RESEARCH! Ask my no-no, he's my witness.

So Will Smith has shouted through the streets that he is not a Scientologist. He's just letting one slurp on his chode every now and again. Even though Will claims he's not in bed with the alien crazies (you know what I mean), he donated around $122,000 to Scientology this year. Specifically, he gave up $67k to the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Fund, $50k to Scientologoy's Celebrity Centre in Hollywood and another $5k to something called ABLE which is a Scientology offshoot.

I'm guessing that ABLE stands for Anal Bottoms Lacking Enemas. It's the charity closest to Tommy's heart...or his asshole in this case.

Last year, Will and his beard donated some cash to a private school that teaches some Scientology shit.

What does this all mean? Well, it means that Will is either a barley water drinking, couch jumping, Xenu obsessing Scientologist or........or nothing. He's totally in the Don't Be Glib Club.