Dumb Bitch of the Day

Remember when Kristen Stewart got a whole lot of shit thrown at her face for basically saying that she feels like someone needs to hand her a rape kit after the paparazzi takes her picture? Well, she continued to whisper sweet nothings into the faces of the paparazzi in Paris recently. After the human version of a skater boy's scab signed a bunch of autographs, she turned to her soulmates the paparazzi and told them to freeze to death (at the 0:42 mark). That was an early Valentine's Day gift from KStew to the paps. You know, if the paparazzi took a few steps back until they reached Eastern Europe, they could freeze to death! That Kristen. So fucking topical.

(Thanks Robin)

This is why little ass girls should leave the big cons to the Alexis Carringtons of the world who have trained their whole lives in the craft of scheming and would never make an amateur bitch mistake like this one right here. Alexis would spit at Mariah Yeater out of disgust, but sheiks buy vials of her saliva with diamonds and she's not going to waste a drop on a dumb bitch who can't scheme.

Yesterday, Mariah Yeater's new lawyer confirmed that his client pulled her paternity case against Justin Bieber to start private settlement negotiations with the world's most famous yodeling fetus. Mariah still swore that Justin Bieber bareback boned a bag of money into her uterus and asked him once again to take a DNA test. But now it seems like her entire get-rich-quick scheme has come crashing down like a balloon with no boy in it. One of Mariah's friends sold her the hell out by giving TMZ a bunch of text messages where she says that some other dude named Robbie is the father of her baby and she wants him in her kid's life. Mariah also promises to give her friend a cut of the cash if he keeps his mouth shut. THE JIG JIG JIG IS UP!

The person to whom Mariah Yeater sent the text asked us to blur his name -- we'll call him John. He has been in touch with Yeater regularly ... even before the baby was born on July 6.

In the text, Yeater pleads for John to "ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom." The text goes on to say that her mom sent John messages in the past, stating that baby Tristyn was fathered by Robbie -- an ex-boyfriend.

She then goes on to talk about giving John money if he cooperates: "Ill kick u when we get paid."

All of her texts end with Mariah Laci-- Laci is Mariah's middle name.

John tells us he's already shared this information with Howard Weitzman, Justin Bieber's lawyer.

Weitzman tells TMZ, "This information proves Mariah Yeater fabricated the story. Our independent investigation indicates Ms. Yeater never meet Justin, she has consistently identified another man as the child's father, and Ms. Yeater and her co-conspirators hatched this scheme in order to extort money from him and to sell her story to the media."

Weitzman adds, "There have been no settlement discussions and there never will be."

What kind of self-respecting gold digging con artist leaves a text trail? You're supposed to conduct all of your bribery (Biebery?) discussions in an empty steam sauna. That way nobody can wear a wiretap and your pores get cleansed in the process. I swear. Pimp Mama Kris, come and get this dumb dumb and teach her your con artist ways, because she's a skid mark on the profession. Unless.....

Maybe The Lesbeaver has already paid Mariah off and this is just the grand finale to wrap everything up and make it go away forever. That would mean Mariah is a master schemer after all. Nope, can't be. Any ho who spells the name Tristan "T-R-Y-S-T-Y-N" can't be that good.

Here's The Lesbeaver on the Spanish show El Hormiguero yesterday. You can laugh all you want, but you won't be spitting out HAHAs in a few months when that purple puppet is knocked up on the cover of HOLA! magazine and crying about how Justin scissored a baby into it in a backstage bathroom.

AssStain Kutcher delivered yet another "Dude, Where's My Fucking Brain?" moment last night when he prematurely ejacutweeted his outrage over Penn State's head football coach Joe Paterno getting the BYE BITCH treatment for shutting his eyes, plugging his ears and singing "lalalaimnotseeingthislalalal" to his assistant coach butt raping a boy in the locker room.

Ashton saw the headline "Jo Pa Fired" somewhere and the cold pile of mashed DURR in his head didn't think to use his fingers to Google for the full story before raising his fist in disgust. This was a surprising move on Ashton's part since he's known for having a dozen degrees, PhDs and awards of excellence in decision making (see: growing that beard and not wearing a condom before fucking his one-night fuck piece). This is Ashton's first Tweet, which was quickly swallowed up by the fail whale.

How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste

Three seconds after Ashton shat out this dingle of dumb, some of his 8 million followers beat some realness into him with a hashtag. Ashton quickly erased the Tweet and then apologized before announcing that he's taking a Tweetbatical

Heard Joe was fired, fully recant previous tweet! Didn't have full story. #admitwhenyoumakemistakes

As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won't happen again.

"Find a way to properly manage this feed." Way to backtrack from a pile of shit by rolling into another pile of shit. This dumb fuck douchebag needs to find a way to properly manage his brain before he tackles his feed. One obstacle at a time, Ashton.

via People

If a worm shit directly into Michael Lohan's ear, the inside of his head would produce better ideas than the ball of mashed cold dumb in there does. This cut turd out of a turtle's ass was put into handcuffs by the Tampa, FL police two days ago for threatening to throw his sometime girlfriend Kate Major off of a fourth floor balcony after she refused to suck his jerky dick and guess what happened again this morning? TMZ reports that just 12 hours after the dumbest bitch alive, seen below at the bail bondsman yesterday, was released from jail he called Kate Major even though the judge told him not to.

Kate contacted the police from her apartment in Tampa early this morning after she claims Michael kept burning up her cell phone by calling over and over again. The police went to interview Kate at her apartment in person and while they were there Michael called again. The police immediately went down to his hotel to arrest him for violating a condition of his release.

The last time Michael was arrested, he faked chest pains and tried to escape from the hospital when the police weren't looking. So of course, Michael was not going to disappoint us and he busted out another buffoonery move. Michael tried to escape from the police by jumping off of his third story balcony. Since Darwin is always trying to give us a laugh, Michael landed on a tree, fucking up his foot. Trees: 1 Lohans: ZERO!

Michael is currently in the hospital getting his foot looked at and while he's there they should also hook a colostomy bag up to his head to pump out all of the stupid in there. Michael will also be charged with resisting arrest once he gets to the police station. Kate said this to TMZ about the whole thing:

"I am sick of being lied about by Michael Lohan Sr.'s false allegations about his continual physical and mental abuse toward me."

Obviously the judge was correct when questioning if he could 'read.'

He has no regard for the justice system. He can beat up women but Mr. tough guy who slurred his words calling me 5 times after getting out of jail wasn't too tough by jumping off a 3rd floor balcony into a tree to try to flee from going back to the same jail he just got released from less than 12 hours ago"

Maybe they have phonics books in jail!"

Just a couple of days ago, this charbroiled twat was threatening to throw a trick off of a fourth floor balcony and now he's the one who fell off of a balcony. If you brought me a dark-sided CROC and said to me, "Michael, meet Karma," I'd still lick every inch of it as a thank you, because this is just too too perfect. Michael is like a soothsaying dumb fuck. Whatever he threatens to do to a bitch, happens to him a couple days later. Oh, Michael, please threaten to drown Kate in a pig's shit puddle if she doesn't wrap her mouth around the grossness that is your dick. Then on Saturday morning, we'll all gather around a pig's shit puddle with our happy faces on. You bring the popcorn.

And FARK can officially change their Florida tag to a Lohan tag.

26-year-old Aimee Rachlin (aka Dumb Bitch #1) of Huntington, New York was arrested on Friday for leaving her baby in a giant unlocked oven while she shopped for 15 minutes inside of an air conditioned K-Mart. The cops were called, because everybody knows you don't leave a baby baking in a car. You chain their ankle to the rim and give them an ice cube! Well, Aimee didn't do this, so she was taken in for child endangerment.

News reporter Christine Insinga (aka Dumb Bitch #2) was sent to the baby broiler's mother's house, where she's currently living, and knocked on the door. Christine was greeted by an unknown woman (aka Dumb Bitch #3) who said "hello" by giving her a face full of tap water and then turning the hose on her when she refused to leave.

IN THIS HEAT (which is the IN THIS ECONOMY of summer 2011), bitch is bringing the stupid in heavy doses by wasting that water. Where was this bitch with a tub full of water when that overheated baby in the parking lot needed her most?! And if Aimee wore this mask, the police would've just let her go. Stupid ho should've known this. Dumb bitches, all of them.

via Asylum (Thanks Mox)

TMZ posted a video of the current reigning Welterweight Dumbass of the World Floyd Mayweather showing that he's got money to burn by literally burning a $100 middle in the middle of a club in Atlanta while a bunch of bitches smile like they can't use that cash to fix their busted weaves. (I see you, ho in the white dress.) I'm not even going to use the IN THIS ECONOMY phrase, because this would be some gross shit even if the streets were paved with gold and diamonds rained from the sky. I don't even throw pennies, away because money is like a non-stale Zinger. You caress and love it. You don't burn it up right to its face!

Floyd is just setting himself up for a future where his bank account flatlines and he needs $100 to bring it back to life, but he can't, because he tried to impress a bunch of assholes in a club by burning up a $100 bill. Think of all the things Floyd could've used that $100 on. Floyd could've bought 1 Steve Buscemi dress or 5 Costco sheet cakes for Gremlin Frankie.

TMZ also reports that burning real government money is illegal, but Floyd isn't going to face charges.

I'm just going to tell myself that this whole mess had a happy ending. Hopefully, somebody at the club rang up Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta and let her know what went down. Then Sheree hopped on the bus, rode down to the club and scooped up the ashes so she could pay her water bill. The end.

In news that should be shocking to fucking NO ONE, Quentin Tarantino is reportedly a freaky freak in the sheets. Gawker says that there's an email circulating that was written by some equally freaky chick (I mean, come ON she dry humped on QT, heave) that is a showbiz behind the scenes type. If you can stomach thinking about Quentin and secks at the same time, read on.

In the email, she goes into detail about her twisted tryst with Quentin at a private party, where she made out with him WHERE PEOPLE COULD SEE HER, FUCKING EW and ended up back at his place. Basically, she knew she was being grosser than gross and the gods answered her PLEASE!!NO!! prayers when instead of pulling out a condom, QT pulled out her toes. After he had tonguey toejam sessay times while pulling his allegedly nubby pud, they passed out and lather, rinsed, repeated in the morning. Then he drove her home. You know girlfriend owes the gods one for Quentin's peen keeping that shit to itself, jussayin!!

The email is after the jump. It's long as hell but since you know you're not doing shit anyway, go ahead and give it a read. JUMP!

You know how earlier today Lindsay Lohan told Life & Style that there wasn't one drop of booze in her house? Well, she just LOLOMGJK-ing, because TMZ reports that LiLo got an F- on one alcohol last week. So are you going to put your money on the "OMG somebody switched my organic chamomile tea with vodka crystals" excuse or the "OMG my ex-father switched my test with Amy Wino's test" excuse?

Judge Stephanie Sautner has ordered LiLo and her lawyer to show up to court at 10am tomorrow morning to battle it out against the L.A. County Probation Department who think she should be thrown into a jail cell. The Probation Department tried to get LiLo to take two booze tests in May, but her lawyer kept telling them that it wasn't part of her probation. It was and when they finally got her tested, LiLo must've not had enough time to shove the Ziploc bag full of sober baby urine up her chocha, because she failed one test. On the bright side, LiLo tested negative for drugs!

The only thing this fail bitch had to do was sit in her house and sip on ice water instead of mouthwash and vodka and she couldn't even do that? Bitch better put PROFESSIONAL FUCK-UP next to occupation on her tax returns next year. I swear, if they don't put this ho behind a jail cell tomorrow and build a brick wall in front of it, then we can all assume that she's got pictures of every judge with butt plugs in their asses on her laptop. I mean, what does a Lindsay Lohan have to do to get behind a jail cell? Paint her skin brown and change her fucking name to Lindsay Sanchez?!

The typhoon of swastika-shaped shits that blew out of Lars Von Trier's mouth during a press conference for his movie Melancholia has gotten him a kick in the culo and a place on the curb outside of Cannes. After Lars Von Trier jokingly declared himself a Hitler sympathizer, the organizer for the Cannes Film Festival hit him with a BYE BITCH and told him to go on his way. They stamped this statement on his one-way ticket back to Dumbassville:

The Festival de Cannes provides artists from around the world with an exceptional forum to present their works and defend freedom of expression and creation. The Festival’s Board of Directors, which held an extraordinary meeting this Thursday 19 May 2011, profoundly regrets that this forum has been used by Lars Von Trier to express comments that are unacceptable, intolerable, and contrary to the ideals of humanity and generosity that preside over the very existence of the Festival.

The Board of Directors firmly condemns these comments and declares Lars Von Trier a persona non grata at the Festival de Cannes, with effect immediately.

Melancholia is still in competition and still eligible for the top prize.

Above is the video of Lars tripping all over his verbal slivers of hard caca. Nazi jokes are only for professionals! But the best part of this video is the amazing and priceless facial expressions coming from Kiki Dunst. Never before have I seen someone try so hard to shapeshift into a ball gag with Lars' name on it. To say that Kiki would rather be getting her snag tooth ripped out by a dentist with the shakes is an understatement.

Nicolas Cage, the spastic duffel bag of crazy who can furrow his brow like no other, was put into handcuffs in New Orleans earlier this morning and it wasn't because he made Season of the Witch. It also wasn't because he named his son Kal-El. Nicolas allegedly got pushed his wife (and one of my gold digging heroes) Alice Kim and then freaked out at the cops when they told him to take his drunk ass home. Where is Elisabeth Shue when Nicolas Cage really needs her?

A source tells TMZ that a cab driver called 911 when he watched an extremely wasted Nicolas Cage push Alice during a fight on the streets. The cops arrived and weren't even interested in arresting Nic. The cops told him to go home, but being the mouthy douchefart that he is, Nic kept screaming at them: "Why don't you just arrest me?" Dear dumbasses, when you dare a cop to arrest you, they're going to fucking arrest you.

The cops caged Nicolas and charged him with domestic violence and disturbing the peace. Nicolas is still in the clink and waiting for his bail hearing. Alice swears he didn't get physical with her and hasn't filed a complaint.

Nicolas already has to sell his collection of pharaoh skulls to pay the IRS and now he goes and double dares the cops to arrest him (insert a smiling Marc Summers here)? If you thought that Nicolas Cage couldn't make a worse life decision than Wicker Man, he has just proven you wrong.

And in case you're keeping score:

Nicolas Cage: 0 Bees: 2

UPDATE: Nicolas' ass just paid his $11k bail and is back out on the streets daring society to watch his movies.