Dumb Bitch of the Day

You might want to get on the phone with your travel agent right now to book a trip to the extremely beautiful paradise Guantánamo Bay, because it will be the travel destination of the year! Miss Universe agrees, because she recently paid a visit and never wanted to leave!

The New York Times says The Miss Universe Organization sent to the detention center in Cuba to meet the U.S. soldiers and their families. Two days ago, she blogged about it on her website, but it was taken down yesterday. You can read the whole entry here, but I've capped some of the more WTFish quotes a bit below:

This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.

We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour.

I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.

I can't even... Okay, in her defense, she's fucking stupid and can't help it. But seriously, I think she was mostly talking about the town itself when she says it was "beautiful" and "relaxing." I think.....

After The Miss Universe Organization took down the post, they issued this statement: "Dayana Mendoza’s comments on her blog were in reference to the hospitality she received while meeting the members of the U.S. military and their families who are stationed in Guantánamo."

Methinks they should just keep Miss Universe away from anything that causes her to put thoughts together. Just smile, wave, play with cute doggies, smile, wave, play with cute doggies.....

Kenley Collins, the screechy tugboat captain's daughter from Project Runway 5, was arrested in Brooklyn yesterday morning after she went fucking insane on her fiance and woke him up by throwing a cat at him! Only this looneytard....

The New York Post says that Zac Penley woke up to a pussy in his face and it wasn't the one he was having a wet dream over (Heidi Klum). The pussy was just the grand opening. Kenley also threw her laptop, three apples (FRUIT ABUSE) and water at him. Zac crawled to a phone and called 911. After the attack, Kenley reportedly told him, "You're lucky, it could have been worse."

TMZ says Kenley was charged with a bunch of shit including "2nd degree assault, 3rd degree assault and criminal possession of a weapon in the 4th degree."

After she was released without bail, Kenley told The Post, "It was a miscommunication. Fights happen, And that's that. There is no case." Yeah, tell that to the poor pussy who was thrown across the room. I really hope that before that pussy quit that bitch, it pissed and went caca in all of Kenley's stupid hats.

You know, Kenley probably realized that if she married Zac she would become KENLEY PENLEY. That's what drove her over the edge.

Kenley Penley the pussy thrower is like the worst person ever.

Today's dumb bitch of the day is a soggy sea creature from a land called Pretentia who, despite what she says, hasn't taken a real good dump in a long ass time. It explains why she's so full of POOP.

In Fishsticks Paltrow's latest GOOP newsletter, the all-knowing and always-perfect piece of snobbery spelled two bitch's names wrong! Okay, I know I'm the last ho who should be calling a bitch out on their spelling mistakes since I have the spelling skills of a shoe-fucking turtle, but it's rich coming from this hag. This hag who believes she can do no wrong. Couldn't she hire a damn slave to check this crap?

You know what's going to happen? Seth ROGEN and SOFIA Coppola will both issue statements saying that they are now changing their names to Rogan and Sophia. They realize that's the way they were meant to spell their names all along. Fishy showed them the light. WATCH.

Here's the owner of the biggest ass stick giving her signature smug face while wearing a Kabbalalahalalalaah bracelet in London last night.

It's not even noon and we've already got ourselves a grade A dumb motherfucker here. Actually, a bunch of you sent this mess to me last night, but I couldn't let it fuck with my buzz. I filed it under "not today" and kept on buzzing, but today is now the day.

When I was at my mom's house this past weekend, her cat (don't say the p word) was making my fucking fingernails fall off from his annoying ass behavior. This pussy would run around like it was on speed, then stop and randomly attack my face. This pussy was asking for it, but never once did I think, "Oh, I'm going to hot box this pussy to mellow him out." Surprisingly, the thought never did cross my mind. Like I'm going to waste my weed on a pussy that won't appreciate it!

But it crossed the mind of this piece of trash right here and he acted on it. 20-year-old Acea Schomaker of Omaha, Nebraska was arrested for misdemeanor animal cruelty after he shoved his kitty in a homemade box bong and then blew weed smoke in there to "calm her down."

The cops showed up to Acea's house, which he shares with his pepaw, after responding to a domestic disturbance call. The cops cleared that shit up, but returned after finding out there was an arrest warrant out on Acea for possession of drug paraphernalia. When they strolled back into the house, they found him hot boxing his kitty. Acea said that Shadow, his 6-month old kitty, was hyper and needed to be calmed down.

You know who needed to be mellowed out? Acea! That dumb bitch should've shoved himself in that box. He's the one who needs to smoke a few more bowls and chill the fuck out. This is not stoner-approved behavior. This ass-brained dick bag needs to get his weed privileges revoked.

Cops say Shadow was completely dazed and didn't move at all when they drove her to the humane society. They said she was scared, but in good condition. Hopefully, they gave her some Taco Bell, put on some Velvet Underground and let her sleep that shit off.

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I understand that IN THIS ECONOMY, a bitch has gotta do what they gotta do to pay off their meth bill and keep the MD 20/20 fully stocked in their trailer cooler. But, if you're going to trade your kids in for some shit, at least be smart about it!

You see, 51-year-old Donna Greenwell of Louisiana, the beauty queen on the left, tried to trade two kids for $175 and a $1500 cockatoo. The bitches she was going to trade with are the supermodels on the right, Paul and Brandy Romero. Cops say that Donna is not the mother of the 4-year-old and 5-year-old kid she was trying to get some coin for. One of the detectives on the case said, "The Romeros had good intentions from what we see. They really wanted to take care of the kids."

The trade was all done by phone after Donna, a trucker with a criminal record, spotted a flier at a livestock barn selling a cockatoo for $1,500. Donna originally wanted to sell the kids to the Romeros for $2000, but when they said they couldn't pay that, she said she would take the bird as payment.

Okay, this is what I don't understand. Why in beauty sleep hell would you trade in noisy for noisy? That doesn't make any sense to me. I'd trade in two kids for a cock or two, but not a loud ass cockatoo. Dumb bitches all around!

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This shit comes straight out of the "You're a dumb bitch and eyebrow hater" file. Remember how Christina Raines said that her engagement to alleged lady killer Drew Peterson was a fake ass publicity spectacle? And how she and her two kids moved out of his death dungeon? Well, Christina is taking it all back. Last night Drew's sixth fiancee called The Chicago Tribune and told them she moved back in with him and their "relationship" is still going on.

You know, my eyebrows are done crying over Christina. There's no more tears. I just wish that her own ravishing eyebrows hop on the next Chinatown bus out of that bitch before it's too late. They can crash on Pia Glenn's couch. She obviously treasures exquisite eyebrows.

The next time I see a picture of dumb bitch Christina, I'm hoping the famewhore is complete eyebrowless. She doesn't deserve their love and affection anymore!

(Thanks Mary)

If you haven't come across this story yet, just guess how old the ho holding the asthma inhaler is? If you guessed mid-40s, then tickle your nipple as a reward. After you're done with that, telekinetically send this bitch mind slaps to the face, because she's telling everyone she's 27! Her IMDB page lists her birthday as 1981. The Daily Mail got a hold of her birth records which state she's really 45.

"Comedienne" Barbie Orr (real name: Kristine Reinhard) is currently fucking on 69-year-old John Cleese while he's going through a filthy divorce from his wife of 16 years. Friends say he's all depressed and shit because he has to pay his ex £1million a year in alimony. One friend also added that John started doing sexy times with younger chicks as a "fuck you" to his ex-wife. His ex-wife is the one who is cackling since John thought he was tickling 27-year-old snatch. The friend went on to say that finding out his girlfriend is a fake ass bitch is the last thing he needs. The friend should also take John to get his eyeballs rotated and deep cleaned, because he actually believed this bitch is 27.

John should've realized he was dealing with a batshit crazy famewhoring bitch when she told a newspaper about his pepaw peen. This is what she said: "You know, they're normally saggy down there, but he really has a nice package. He takes a lot of vitamin supplements and eats really well and he works out. His arms are really muscular and he still has amazing legs. He's had his teeth all re-done and he recently got hair plugs to cover the bald patches at the front."

So why is Barbie lying about her age? Apparently, ever since she's been dating John Cleese, she's gotten a few roles in shit like Desperate (key word) Housewives and other shit. Barbie thinks that if she reveals her real age, her career will be flushed down the toilet for good. When the Daily Mail confronted her about the lie-telling, she said, "This will be career suicide for me if you print that. Please leave out my age - age is a huge thing to pass. It stays for ever. I am a quiet, cheerful, fun person. Print 35 if that makes them feel better. . . but not 45!"

Every whore in Hollywood lies their age, but this hobag got greedy and scratched off 18 fucking years! Who does she think she is? Catherine Zeta-Jones?

Barbie doesn't look bad for her age, but there's no way she can pass for 27. I mean, she could easily be Vadge's hand-double. Her lips say she's 27, but her hands say she's a crypt keeper.

If you care, the Daily Mail has more pictures of 27-year-old (in Kim Zolciak years) Barbie.

Image: INFDaily.com

Someone close to Chelsy Davy should take her in to get a brain scan immediately, because something is not right up in there. She has quit Prince Hot Ginge. Beat me in the face with a boiled horse dick, because I am at a loss. The News of the World says Chelsy just could no longer "put up with his lifestyle" after 5 years together. This weak ass bitch. I could put up with a dozen Black Mambas biting at my ass if it meant I got to lick on Prince Hot Ginge's royal scepter and jewels. Homegirl really ain't right in the brain area.

A source said that Chelsy broke that shit off last week, "The couple had a lot of fun but the relationship has run its course. They are still on speaking terms but the relationship has ended."

Okay, I know that every time Hot Ginge opens his mouth, douchewater-covered shit nuggets come pouring out, but Chelsy just had to shut him up with her vagina. That's what I would do. Whenever he started to speak, I'd just shove my glazed donut hole in his mouth.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go submit my application video (shot in the bath tub, of course) for a spot in the British Army so I can get close to Hot Ginge. It's my duty as an American who loves ginger Brits. He needs comforting in his time of hurt and sorrow. And by "he" I mean his carrot peen.

33-year-old Shelley Price of England needs to bend over and give her nalgas a nice rub to prepare it for the giant "NASTY CUNT OF THE CENTURY" tattoo I'm about to give her. The reason? She ran off to the Daily Mail to tell them that she doesn't love 11-year-old daughter Catherine and she never has.

Okay, a baby has never popped out of my no-no (not that I know of anyway), but I'm sure that if one did and I didn't feel love for it, I wouldn't proclaim it to a damn newspaper. And I surely wouldn't pose with the poor unloved baby in said newspaper. Hasn't this evil witch heard of Post Secret? Yeah, but then she wouldn't get the attention she truly loves. Seriously, she doesn't love her daughter because she's too busy loving attention.

Anyway, let's hear what this bitch has to say for herself: "I know what people will think. Everyone will hate me. I'm the woman who doesn't like her own child. But I'm speaking out because I'm convinced I'm not alone. I hate myself for the way I feel, but whatever it is that makes a mum want to hug and kiss her child, I have not felt it. Catherine has always felt like someone else's daughter. When the midwives put Catherine into my arms, I felt nothing at all. She didn't feel like my own flesh and blood. She felt dirty."

At first, Shelley thought she just wasn't the motherly-type, so the genius decided to give it another go and gave birth to another daughter with a different dude two years ago. Shelley loves the new one, but still doesn't feel anything for Catherine. "I'm a loving person. It was a relief to feel emotional about Poppy (her second daughter) from the moment she was born."

After looking at Catherine in the picture above, it's clear that the feeling is mutual. She's got those "get your nasty hands off of me, you bitch" eyes. And is it just me or does Catherine looks like Dakota Fanning meets Village of the Damned? That dumb bitch Shelley better sleep with two eyes open from now on...

If you're going to sell your 16-year-old daughter for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat, collect before you hand her over! That's what 36-year-old Macelino de Jesus Martinez of Greenfield, CA failed to do when he sold off his daughter to an 18-year-old dude.

So what did Macelino do when the buyer refused to pay? He went to the police and told them the whole story. What the fuck! Take a class at the Learning Annex about the correct way to sell your child before you do it! The real Jesus isn't happy that his name is associated with this dumb dumb.

Police arrested Macelino for selling a human person. They also arrested the 18-year-old piece of trash who bought her. Even though police say the girl went willingly, she's under California's legal age of consent. The 18-year-old is being held on suspicion of statutory rape.

Apparently, arranged marriages involving underage chicks is a big problem in Greenfield.

Now, a 16-year-old girl sells for $16,000, 100 cases of beer (top shelf, I hope) and several cases of meat. This means I could probably sell for a chewed-up Slim Jim, a watered down glass of Buckhorn beer and 16,000 pinto beans. Oh, shit. Don't tell my dog this or off I fucking go.

Source: Mom Logic