Dumb Bitch of the Day

If you're going to sell your 16-year-old daughter for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat, collect before you hand her over! That's what 36-year-old Macelino de Jesus Martinez of Greenfield, CA failed to do when he sold off his daughter to an 18-year-old dude.

So what did Macelino do when the buyer refused to pay? He went to the police and told them the whole story. What the fuck! Take a class at the Learning Annex about the correct way to sell your child before you do it! The real Jesus isn't happy that his name is associated with this dumb dumb.

Police arrested Macelino for selling a human person. They also arrested the 18-year-old piece of trash who bought her. Even though police say the girl went willingly, she's under California's legal age of consent. The 18-year-old is being held on suspicion of statutory rape.

Apparently, arranged marriages involving underage chicks is a big problem in Greenfield.

Now, a 16-year-old girl sells for $16,000, 100 cases of beer (top shelf, I hope) and several cases of meat. This means I could probably sell for a chewed-up Slim Jim, a watered down glass of Buckhorn beer and 16,000 pinto beans. Oh, shit. Don't tell my dog this or off I fucking go.

Source: Mom Logic

How dare Megan Fox compare herself to Alan "I Make Pussies Pucker" Alda! That's what this dumb bitch did at the Golden Globes last night. Megan played the "I Is No Sexy" card when she told Giuliana DePandaPuss, "I am pretty sure I am a doppelgänger for Alan Alda. I'm a tranny. I'm a man. I'm so painfully insecure. I'm on the verge of vomiting now. I am so horrified that I am here, and embarrassed. I'm scared."

Who would you rather see in a g-string bikini? If you answer the bitch on the right, then you don't know what sex is. Alan Alda wins every fucking time. Megan could never even come close to touching Alan's sexiness.

Even though Megan says she hates herself, she bragged about her 22" waist which she got from starving herself. She said she was kidding about the not eating thing, but you know she's not. The only thing she eats is delusion pills. And Megan also confirmed that her boyfriend Brian Austin Green needs to join the Tool Academy when she said he didn't want to be her date because he's "a man" with an ego. I would think I was the shit too if I was responsible for this. Please tell me the "music" Megan said he's working on is a follow-up to Be Be My Love.

I still can't get over her Alan Alda shit. ALAN FUCKING ALDA? The audacity! Clip below:

When you break up with a bitch. Sometimes they want a sweater they left at your house. Or maybe a dildo they left in your ass. Whatever. Well, this dumb bitch right here wants his kidney back. The kidney he gave to his wife in 2001 because she was suffering from renal failure. Some bitches...

Dr. Richard Batista, a vascular surgeon from Long Island, is suing his estranged wife Dawnell Batista (totally hot name) for his kidney back or $1.5 million for the price of his organ. Unfortunately for Dr. GeniusBrains it's pretty much impossible for her to give him back his kidney since it's fucking illegal. His lawyer said, "Of course he wouldn't really ask for that but the value of it."

Dr. DumbFuck and Dawnell were married in 1990. They have two kids together. He agreed to give her his kidney after two transplants quit on her. He claims that after the surgery worked, Dawnell (seriously, that's a hot name) began doing sex to her therapist. HA! Fucking another dude with your husband's kidney inside you. I love this heartless (but kidneyful) bitch!

Four years after the kidney transplant, Dawnell filed for divorce and asked for custody of their kids. That's what triggered Dr. MoronFace to ask for his organ back. He claims he hasn't seen much of his kids, because of her. He told reporters, "There's no deeper pain you can ever express than to be betrayed by the person you devoted your life to. I saved her life. But the pain is unbearable."

Yes, and the pain she will suffer from losing a kidney will be totally bearable. All she has to do is pop a Tylenol, put a warm compress on her back and walk it off.

If by some fucked up miracle he wins, the whole kidney or even half of it, I'm going to sue all my ex-boyfriends for their peens. That was the only good shit about them and I took care of their dicks more than they did. I washed them, sang to them, cuddled with them and kissed them goodnight and good morning. They belong to me.

P.S. - I totally want my wedding picture to look like Richard and Dawnell's. It completely fits the theme of my fantasy late-80s wedding......even though this was taken in 1990. Hey, they're from Long Island!

Every night before Wonky McValtrex goes to bed, a dozen dicks slap her to sleep. It's the only way she can get a good night's rest. Well, one of the dicks slapped her in the head a little too hard, because the dirty cooch is talking crazy.

In the new issue of Britain's Glamour Magazine (via SS), Wonky says, "I've only done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you; he'll want you much more if he can't have you."

Nobody wants the bag that will make your genitals foam at the hole and that's exactly what Wonky's bag will do. And what she really meant to say before the rude interviewer cut her off is, "A couple of people........in my snatch at one time." She's really modest, though. Wonky could fit at least a couple of NFL teams up in there without lube. EASY.

There's no way she could have meant "a couple of people." Whores who have to duct tape their vagina together haven't only fucked just "a couple of people."

In case you were sucking dick in the office bathroom and haven't read about this shit yet, the girl who claimed she was beat down by an Obama supporter admitted to lie-telling. 20-year-old Ashley Todd basically pulled the story out of her ass. She went to the police after she said a "black guy" robbed her shit at an ATM and then carved a "B" on her face, because he saw the McCain bumper sticker on her car. The "B" was for "Bitch, please!"

The cops says she is being charged with being a dumb bitch and making a false report.

Ok. If you're going to do this shit. Do it right! Get a fucking friend to carve the "B," so that it's not backwards! If you have to do it yourself, do an "O" instead! DAMN! Do I have to teach these nitwit whores everything? She could've called me up. I would've done it for her, but instead of carving her face with a "B," I would've written "Dumb Bitch" on her forehead with a Sharpie.

This ho needs to call it a day and take a fucking nap. Playtime is over!

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Thanks to all you whores who sent this to me with the subject: THIS BITCH IS SO DUMB. That shit made me laugh.

Lindsey Evans' brains obviously didn't win her the title of Miss Teen Louisiana USA. She proved that Saturday after she skipped out on paying her $46 bill from Posados Cafe in Bossier City, La. If you're going to dine and ditch, don't leave your fucking purse at the table. The 18-year-old dingbat's purse was found by the restaurant manager. When they went through it, they found her drivers license and a beautiful bag of weed! You know where this is going.

When Little Miss Dumb Fuck and her friends pulled into the restaurant parking lot to get her weed and purse back, the cops were taking the report from the managers. They instantly recognized Lindsey from her drivers license picture and put her in cuffs.

One of the girls with Lindsey told The Post that they were going to pay their bill. Lindsey already put her cash down and the three were going to pay with debit cards. She went on to say, "The service was so slow, we just said, 'screw it' and left." And now they're screwed!

She was booked with theft and weed possession. The skanks at the Miss Louisiana Teen USA organization said they don't know what to do with her yet.

Well, she might lose her crown, but she's a fucking shoo-in for the title of Miss High Times 2009.

I give Lindsey an 8.5 for her mug shot. I like the pageant smile, but a beauty queen should always wear their crown when getting their picture taken. That would have given her a perfect 10.

While making coffee this morning, I accidentally poured the coffee where the water goes and vice versa. I even turned it fucking on. I felt like Jessica Simpson's brain twin. That's until I read this story. Thank you, Charlotte Feeney for being the dumbest bitch of the day!

Charlotte of Connecticut filed a lawsuit against L'Oreal claiming that her life was ruined when she accidentally dyed her blonde hair brunette with one of their products.

Dumb dumb Char accused the company of putting the brunette hair dye in a blonde box. She said that she can never get back to her natural blonde hair color and she's depressed in a major way because of that. She's on anti-depressants, hardly goes out, always wears hats and suffers from anxiety.

Guess what the judge did? He laughed so hard he passed a kidney stone through his ass. And then he threw out the lawsuit.

This is probably the longest blonde joke I ever read. And nobody tell her she can actually dye her hair back! It's best for all of us that she stays inside. I also can't wait until the judge reads her lawsuit against Burger King for putting cheese on her cheeseburger. Sorry. That was dumber than Charlotte. I'll be here all week!

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Thanks George

Holy cokey! Reverend Christopher Layden, a catholic priest, has been arrested and charged with selling coke from his church office and rectory. 33-year-old Chris was busted on Wednesday at St. John's Catholic Newman Center on the University of Illinois campus in Urbana. The cops were able to catch him thanks to a little help from an "informant." Jesus works in mysterious ways.

Cops confiscated three grams of coke during their search of his rectory. But did they search his rectum?

Fox News reports that Chris pleaded not guilty to "two counts of delivery of less than 1 gram of cocaine within 1,000 feet of a church and one count of possession with intent to deliver 1 to 15 grams of cocaine near a church." The charges are more severe because he committed the crime on church property. His bail was set at $50,000. The Catholic Diocese of Peoria has suspended him.

I wonder what Rev. Chris' confessionals were like? "Forgive me father for I have sinned.....and can I get half a gram?" Rev. Chris would respond, "Say twenty Hail Marys and

And do you think Rev. Chris blessed the coke? That's a selling point!

I thought I was the only dumb bitch who got the sudden urge to hit a ho with a vase while watching "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." It's good to know that I'm not alone.

46-year-old Naomi Masuda of Port St. Lucie, Florida was arrested after she attacked her boyfriend during an argument about Kim KardASSIAN's reality show.

Naomi's boyfriend was chilling out, watching his favorite reality show featuring the porn star with a fat ass, when Naomi freaked out and said he was “being disrespectful by watching the Kardashian show." She's right, he was disrespecting himself by watching that trash. And yes, I'm guilty of the same crime!

The two started arguing over his fascination with Kim and his fondness for porn. Naomi, being the crazy bitch that she is, then started throwing things at him, including a vase that hit him in the face and caused his nose to bleed. The dude also said Naomi damaged a bunch of his personal shit.

Cops described Naomi was being "highly intoxicated." She admitted to throwing a vase at him, but said it was an "accident." I love that shit. "Yes, I threw the vase at him. No, I didn't mean to. The vase just leaped out of my hands."

That excuse is almost as sad as the fact that Naomi got arrested because of Kim Kardashian's skanky ass! Oh Naomi. You and your gorgeous eyebrows deserve better.

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Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It's not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the "bow chicka bow bow" song playing in the background.

21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.

It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.

While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage.

After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his juicy sausage, he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room. Instead of attacking Cesar with his big sausage (I love writing that), Antonio threw Pappy's seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face. This just gets better. Pappy's is made from "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades." I bet it is.

Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical

Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, "a dog ate it."

Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.

Okay, in addition to being the plot of a gay porno, this could also be a "Three Stooges" episode.

Seriously, Antonio shouldn't threaten me with a good time! If that was my ass, I'd beg Antonio not stop! I'd play a little game of "pin the sausage on the hiney." Wait. What kind of sausage are we talking about again?

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