Dumb Bitch of the Day

Chad Johnson, wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, has legally changed his last name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco. Chad gave himself the nickname of "Ocho Cinco" two years ago in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. 85 is also his number. Ocho Cinco means 8-5 in Spanish. Duh.

Not everyone is down with the name Ochoc Cinco. One time before a game, Chad put his nickname on the back of his uniform. The team's quarterback tore that shit down. Damn. What did Chat put it on with? Elmer's? The team's coach has also referred to Chad as “Ocho Psycho."

When asked about why he legally changed his name, Ocho said, “It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before. Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun.”

I'm sure the numbers 8-5 mean a lot more to Ocho than we think. 8 is his IQ. 5-inches is the size of his dick fully erect. 85 is also the number of times he was dropped on his head as a child. See!

Although, I shouldn't hate on Ocho. Chad Ocho Cinco sounds much sexier than Chad Johnson. I should change my name to Michael Seis Nueve. It has a nice ring to it. Is the official name changing office open on Saturdays?

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Thanks Isabelle

Police in Texas arrested 35-year-old Jennifer Lynn Rosenberg after they found out she made her 12-year-old daughter drive her to the bar. Too bad Jennifer doesn't live in Long Island. She would have succeeded White Oprah as their Mother of the Year.

The po-po pulled over a minivan for turning into a driveway without signaling. The minivan then bumped in a house. After they found out the driver was a 12-year-old girl, they asked her where her parents were. The girl admitted that she just dropped her mommy off at the bar.

Jennifer was immediately pulled away from her White Russian and arrested. She's still in jail on a $2,500 bond. Child Protective Services said they were "investigating" the matter. What's to investigate? The drunk bitch made her child drive her to the bar?! If that doesn't scream "don't pass go, don't collect your child," then I don't know what does.

This story reminded me of Holly Schnobrich who made news last year after she made her 5-year-old son drive her around because she was too cracked out on pills. When asked why she made him drive, she said, "He's a good driver."

Thanks Kath

An employee at a Burger King in Xenia, OH decided it would be really fucking hilarious to get naked and have a Calgon moment in one of the sinks while another employee filmed it. The douche employee who goes by the name of Mr. Unstable (that's probably his real name) even tells the ho filming it to go and get Karen, the manager on duty.

I am shocked at Karen! She looks like the type who balances her checkbook, goes to church every Sunday, doesn't swear and even puts on two pairs of panties "just in case." And she just nods her head when she learns about this fuckery!

The video somehow made its way onto MySpace yesterday and from there it spread all over the internet. It eventually landed on the eyes of the County Health Commissioner, Mark McDonnell. Needless to say, he didn't find it as hilarious as Mr. Unstable did. He immediately sent his staff to the BK to investigate. All the employees involved were fired, including Karen. How is she going to show her face in church on Sunday?!

Burger King said they properly sanitized the sink several times and threw out all utensils involved in the incident. That's still not enough for Crystal Dodge (HOTTEST NAME EVER), who regularly eats at that very BK. She said, "That's just disgusting. I wouldn't want to eat here after I heard something like that, that's just not appropriate for employment. This kind of stunt really is a black eye for the restaurant itself." I wouldn't call it a "black eye," Crystal Dodge. I'd call it a dirt star.

I also hate to break it to Crystal Dodge, but I'm pretty sure Mr. Unstable has probably done worse. You know he's pissed in the ketchup and whopped one in a Whooper or two.

This is exactly why you need to stay away from meth! It makes you wear a tarantula on her head, and bathe in places where no one should ever bathe.

That being said, I'd totally hit it in a Burger King sink. Clip below:

Burger King Employee Takes Bath In Sink - Watch more free videos

Thanks Matt

Some bitches will seriously fuck anything. This dude is one of them. A 41-year-old man was hanging out in Hong Kong's LanTian Park in the middle of the night when he got the urge to get sexy with a steel bench. I don't know why? That bench is tore up. It's used and abused. I could see if it was a sexy bench.

Anyway, the dude stuck his little peen into one of the bench's hole and started hitting it from the back. I hope he at least kissed the bench. Romanced it a little. As he started getting into that shit, his little peen started to grow, and well, it got stuck. Damn! That bench has a tight coochie for being such a dirty slut.

He started freaking out, so he used his cell to call the police. After the police arrived and probably shit themselves from laughing so hard, doctors showed up to try and get his dick out. They couldn't, so they cut the bench free and they all went back to the hospital for COCKtails. 4 hours later, the doctors were able to get his dick out. They said if it would have been stuck for an hour longer, they would've had to pull a Lorena Bobbitt on that shit.

I don't know what's more embarrassing. The fact that this dude did fuckey fuckey times with a bench, or the fact that his dick was able to fit in one of those little holes. Dude needs to call it a day. And that bench needs to stop being such a skank!

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Thanks Lolo

File this under: Drink some coffee before you rob a joint!

Police in Seattle were called to a possible break-in at a Fred Meyer department store. When they arrived, they found a trail of pillows and other shit from the store's storage room to the place where the two dumbasses were sleeping. They were napping on the shit they stole! Police took pictures of them before placing them under arrest.

Before waking these idiots, the police should have taken out a Sharpie and scribbled "I suck at robbing" and "world's worst thieves" on their foreheads. They also should have frozen their panties and put their hands in a bowl of water to make them piss themselves.

Kyle Burress, 25, and Allen Pierce, 27, have been charged with second-degree burglary. The police say alcohol was involved. Yeah, so was stupidity and laziness.

Thanks Jennifer

This dick bag is more like Dumb Bitch of FOREVER. 33-year-old Daniel Everett of Michigan wore this t-shirt to a supposed sex meeting with what he thought was a 14-year-old girl. It wasn't a sex meeting. It was a sting! He was arrested and charged with being a total dumb piece of trash. He was also charged with child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.

Why wasn't Chris Hansen there to "greet" him. Chris always has the best one-liners. He would've said, "Why, hello there? World's Greatest Dad, Eh? More like World's Worst Pedo."

He only wore this t-shirt because his "On the internet, I'm a 15-year-old girl" t-shirt was in the dirty laundry.

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Thanks Midwest Trash

A couple of hilarious voicemails (above) from a mega-douche named Dimitri are currently making the internet rounds. It all started when d-bag Dimitri met the "elegant" Olga outside of a bar in San Francisco. Elegant Olga made the mistake of giving him her business card. Dimitri called Elegant Olga several times and delivered such memorable quotes as:

"You're an extremely elegant woman. I couldn't take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous, even if they say they weren't..."

"I'm Greek and I'm extremely particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here. "

"But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder."

Jezebel has the complete transcript of Dmitri's douchetastic voicemails to Elegant Olga. I'm shocked as to why Olga never called Dimitri back. I mean, he called her "elegant" several times! Any dude that calls me "elegant" is definitely the one.

Dimitri totally borrowed his mommy's cell phone to leave Elegant Olga messages during his lunch break from his 8-hour shift at Quizno's.

Thanks Melanie

California gays should put on a body condom and give Tila Tequila a big hug as a thank you for helping the gay movement. The bi-for-pay reality star of MTV's "A Shot at Love" told UsWeekly that she thinks her show had something to do with the ban being lifted on gay marriage in California.

Tila said, "It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

Somebody give this bitch a reality check in the form a wet slap to the face. The show is only helping the WHORE movement which I'm a part of, but bitch needs to get real. Tila had nothing to do with the CA gay marriage thing, but something tells me she had a lot do with the recent study that revealed 26% of New Yorkers have herpes. I mean, she has been to New York before!

Here's this delusional bitch at "The Love Guru" premiere in Hollywood last night.

Katherine Heigl just can't help herself. She'll take any opportunity to be a grade a bitch. Heeeeiiiigl (sounds like phlegm) has decided not to submit herself as a possible nominee for the Emmys. Heigl won the supporting actress award last year for her fugly work on "Grey's Anatomy." I'm still asking for a recount.

The L.A. Times asked Heigl's annoying ass why she didn't submit this year, she answered, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

Classic Heigl. Basically she's saying, "I'm golden and my caca doesn't reek, but the writers suck!"

This cunt from cuntville really needs to be put on a cunt filter. And yes I wrote "cunt" three times. Now, four times. That's what she does to me! Bitch just needs to swallow her cigarette and allow her pr bitches to do the talking for her.

Thanks Momus