Adrien Brody

Supposedly, Courtney Love's financial situation is about as messy as the back of Tommy Girl's silk chonies when Beck's name comes up on his caller ID, so how did she queef up thousands of dollars at the Peace and Justice auction in NYC on Friday night?! Page Six says that not only did Court buy a walk-on role in Paul Haggis' next movie, but she also put down $17,000 to have tea with the lusciously gorgeous afghan hound known as Adrien Brody.

Did Courtney pay for that shit using dozens of prepaid credit cards she came across during her crawls through the gutter? Or did she sell one of her organs to a group of scientists who want to know how she's lived so long on a diet consisting only of nicotine particles, under nail dirt, (insert the name of every and any narcotic) and the dust bunnies that fly off her keyboard when she busts out a Twatter rant. Can't say I blame her, because I'd Aron Ralston one of my arms to watch Adrien Brody dip his tea bags.

Apparently, so will Gerard Butler. One of Page Six's sources say that he and Court got into a major bidding war over a tea date with Adrien.

Adrien is probably going to wish that The Butler won that battle when Courtney asks him to feed her a piece of his dickscotti. And for $17,000, the crazy bitch has every right to ask!

Wearing black gloves strictly for fashion purposes is usually only okay for if you're going to pull them off finger tip by finger tip while singing a torch song in a gigantic martini glass or if you're a K-pop star, but Adrien Brody gets a pass.

It's blatantly obvious that Adrien wore a pair of black gloves to the opening of Rimowa's flagship store in Germany last night to show his support for The Rent Is 2 Damn High Party. But I guess Adrien's rent isn't that damn high since he can afford leather.

Adrien Brody and January Jones were at the same Memorial Day party in Malibu yesterday, and now some are saying that she's sucking on his hung nose on the down low. You know, because if two famous whores go to the same party, that automatically means they are fucking each other over the toilet in the bathroom.

And while I do agree that everybody should be focusing on solving the mystery of Adrien and January's relationship, I think that before we do that we need to put our magnifying glasses over this picture. This is where the real story is:

Why are they both wearing a Jerry Garcia uniform? Why is that boy sitting on the floor in the doorway? Why is that person behind him holding a rolled up paper like my abuelita getting ready to attack? Why did a moth nibble at that lady's brows? Why is she wearing frosted Playboy pink lipstick bought at the Dollar Tree? These are the real questions!

Note to Billy Goat Brad Pitt: If you ever have dinner at Adrien Brody's house, make sure to be on your best gentlemanly behavior or you'll be sent to Sonoma, CA forever. You've been warned.

Adrien Brody tried to buy two lady goats for his New York farm, but instead he was sold two dude goats. Not just any dude goats, one of his goats had a giant peen that could cause horns to splinter. And the big dicked goat really wanted to put his shit to use, which made Adrien scream for his mommy.

Adrien explains, "The more well-endowed goat took a liking to the other one and I swear it was traumatic. There was a lot of crying and goat noises and I felt incredibly guilty and I didn't know what to do. I had homosexual goats. It's best when you have goats that are that gay to just let them free... because I felt that they were in captivity and the one was receiving a lot of aggression on the other one's behalf... so I sent them off to Sonoma."

Sodomy in Sonoma! Now we really know why George Clooney won't stop staring at goats.

You know, I don't want to remember Adrien Brody for his perfectly sculpted Afghan Hound face, his erect penis nose or his impeccable fashion sense. I want to remember Adrien Brody for his fear of gay goats with big dicks.

And Nicolas Cage wants you all to know that he will never ever eat those goats.

via Toronto Sun

When Adrien Brody steps out dressed like a third-tier Staten Island pimp/black market amphibian vendor circa 1982, I make a million excuses for him. But I'm throwing up my hands at this. This I cannot defend.

At the VIP Room in Cannes last night, Adrien and Wonky McValtrex got a little too close for his genitals' comfort. When they laughed, his dick cried. When they whispered in each other's ears, his nutsack whispered to God to please put it out of its misery.

The sad truth is, even though the inside of Adrien's peen hole now looks like a tank at Red Lobster, I still would. Sigh. I'd put on a bib, dip his dick into a cup of drawn butter and handle that shit.

Adrien Brody dresses like a recently divorced 50-year-old dentist from New Jersey who buys everything in the International Male catalog because he thinks that's what will make all the young ladies at the club purr, so the dorky black hanky around his neck is just for fashion. But if Adrien stumbled into a bar where the dicks are stiffer than the drinks, what would that black hanky say about him?

According to the Hanky Code, a black hanky worn on the left means you're an S&M top. Worn on the right means you're an S&M bottom. And usually, when you wear it around your neck it means your nipples will perk up if you whip a bitch or if you get whipped. That explains why Gerard Butler's kinky freaky ass is sitting next to him. Hopefully, Adrien called 911 when Gerry brought the nipple clamps out during half-time.

If Tommy Girl starred in a re-worked version of Castaway, it would look something like this clip from tonight's Man vs. Wild.

Bear Grylls demonstrates what you should do if you ever find yourself dehydrating to death on a tiny raft in the middle of the ocean. You know, I'm all for gargling fetid (Google is our fweeeend) water with my ass to keep from dying a slow death, but where is this tube supposed to come from? Bear didn't say anything about catching a whale with my bare hands and then ripping out its veins with my teeth to use as a tube. Note to self: Always have a tube in your ass.

And I'd like to think that the cameraman slowly sipped on an iced coffee while filming Bear rinsing out his colon.

via WOW Report

That's it. I'm moving to Idaho and immediately enrolling at BJU BSU. Only they have a major that can I fully throw myself into, onto, etc... etc...

I mean, I've always wanted to know if jizz loads like to be cleaned up with a paper towel, used chonies, a hand, my hair or a wet vac. I also want to know why they are sometimes tardy for the party. Are they not getting my Evites?

Well, now I can find out the answers to these mysteries thanks to BSU! Just call me The Future Cum Whisperer!

via Deadspin

There's a reasonable explanation for this right here. Maybe he fell into a gay hole? Or maybe Adrien Dreambrody's sexiness is just so scalding hot that his t-shirt melted. No. Methinks Adrien just wanted to show off his succulent chesticle whiskers in the gayest way possible.

Even though he looks like he's about to star in a gay porn version of La Cage Aux Folles called La Cock Ass Folles, my glitter hole approves of this outfit. Anything that shows off Adrien's scrumptious man cleavage is fine by me....BUT DAMN! Kirstie Alley's big girl drawers should not be worn as an accessory.

That being said, I'd still let him do the dick slappity dance on my nalgas......while wearing this outfit. That's serious love.

Here's Hunkleberry Fine (GONG!) at a Huge Boss party in Berlin last night.

Stick a taser gun up my ass, because I think it's about to go crazy at the thought of Adrien Brody being back on the market! Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Adrien's SLUT girlfriend of two years, Elsa Pataky, left his precious Afghan Hound heart broken after she quit him for Olivier Martinez. I'm not posting Elsa's picture here, because I don't want that skank tramp defacing this site with her whore bag mug!

A source tells the magazine that Elsa wasn't ready to settle down, so Adrien, being the caring soul that he is, released her back into the world hoping that one day she would fly back into his heart. But instead that low-rent trollop flew right into Olivier Martinez's buttery skin baguette and she's been down there ever since. The source said that Elsa and Olivier are even hunting for a whore den to share in Paris.

I just knew there was something off about that skank Elsa! Tacky Pataky is what she should go by from now. How dare that harlot do that to my gorgeous Adrien? After all he's done for her! Adrien needs comforting, doesn't he? Come here, Adrien. Nuzzle your succulent nose in my no-no. It will be safe there. Well, not really, because I had Mexican for lunch. SUCIO! There I go again.

But seriously, Tacky Pataky better watch it! If I ever see her big ass whore face around these parts, I'm gonna finally put those razors I keep in my hair (chola's secret) to good use. THAT BITCH!