Adrien Brody

If Tommy Girl starred in a re-worked version of Castaway, it would look something like this clip from tonight's Man vs. Wild.

Bear Grylls demonstrates what you should do if you ever find yourself dehydrating to death on a tiny raft in the middle of the ocean. You know, I'm all for gargling fetid (Google is our fweeeend) water with my ass to keep from dying a slow death, but where is this tube supposed to come from? Bear didn't say anything about catching a whale with my bare hands and then ripping out its veins with my teeth to use as a tube. Note to self: Always have a tube in your ass.

And I'd like to think that the cameraman slowly sipped on an iced coffee while filming Bear rinsing out his colon.

via WOW Report

That's it. I'm moving to Idaho and immediately enrolling at BJU BSU. Only they have a major that can I fully throw myself into, onto, etc... etc...

I mean, I've always wanted to know if jizz loads like to be cleaned up with a paper towel, used chonies, a hand, my hair or a wet vac. I also want to know why they are sometimes tardy for the party. Are they not getting my Evites?

Well, now I can find out the answers to these mysteries thanks to BSU! Just call me The Future Cum Whisperer!

via Deadspin

There's a reasonable explanation for this right here. Maybe he fell into a gay hole? Or maybe Adrien Dreambrody's sexiness is just so scalding hot that his t-shirt melted. No. Methinks Adrien just wanted to show off his succulent chesticle whiskers in the gayest way possible.

Even though he looks like he's about to star in a gay porn version of La Cage Aux Folles called La Cock Ass Folles, my glitter hole approves of this outfit. Anything that shows off Adrien's scrumptious man cleavage is fine by me....BUT DAMN! Kirstie Alley's big girl drawers should not be worn as an accessory.

That being said, I'd still let him do the dick slappity dance on my nalgas......while wearing this outfit. That's serious love.

Here's Hunkleberry Fine (GONG!) at a Huge Boss party in Berlin last night.

Stick a taser gun up my ass, because I think it's about to go crazy at the thought of Adrien Brody being back on the market! Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Adrien's SLUT girlfriend of two years, Elsa Pataky, left his precious Afghan Hound heart broken after she quit him for Olivier Martinez. I'm not posting Elsa's picture here, because I don't want that skank tramp defacing this site with her whore bag mug!

A source tells the magazine that Elsa wasn't ready to settle down, so Adrien, being the caring soul that he is, released her back into the world hoping that one day she would fly back into his heart. But instead that low-rent trollop flew right into Olivier Martinez's buttery skin baguette and she's been down there ever since. The source said that Elsa and Olivier are even hunting for a whore den to share in Paris.

I just knew there was something off about that skank Elsa! Tacky Pataky is what she should go by from now. How dare that harlot do that to my gorgeous Adrien? After all he's done for her! Adrien needs comforting, doesn't he? Come here, Adrien. Nuzzle your succulent nose in my no-no. It will be safe there. Well, not really, because I had Mexican for lunch. SUCIO! There I go again.

But seriously, Tacky Pataky better watch it! If I ever see her big ass whore face around these parts, I'm gonna finally put those razors I keep in my hair (chola's secret) to good use. THAT BITCH!

You may see a skeezy guido who still lives in his mother's rec room in New Jersey and works part-time as a plumber's assistant while he's trying to make his big dream of owning a used car dealership/pizza place/strip joint on State Island come true. This is what you may see. However, I see a beautiful afghan hound of a man who I just want to walk through fields of gold. I just want to nuzzle up to that nose and bite it. BITE IT. EAT IT. Yes, Adrien Brody looks like he just walked out of True Life: "I Think I'm Ronny Cammareri From Moonstruck," but I can look past all of that, because of his nose. The nose that makes no-no say yes-yes.

I can even look past the blue Dior Hair Mascara from '98 that has busted loads all over his luscious mullet and the neon shoelaces he stole from my first pair of British Knights. I can look past all of....Oh, fuckity! Who am I fooling?! I can't look past all of that shit. For serious, who is dressing this sexy beast?! Kid Rock?! Adrien needs to put down the Natty Ice and get a gay in his life, because he obviously can't be trusted to dress himself.

Before using that title, I should've made sure Tommy Girl and Johnny Travolta didn't copyright that shit. That's the name of their annual summer picnic where Stepford Katie and Kelly Preston battle it out it for the title of Beard of the Year. Kelly always wins. She's got that shit down.

Anygivemeabrushsoicanmakethatbeardsofter, here's Adrien Brody and Keanu Reeves trying to out-beard each other at practice for the Celebrity Gran Prix in Long Beach, CA.

So who has the beardiest beard here? Keanu Reeves' beard looks a little too much like Vadge's sascrotch, so my gorgeous Afghan Hound Adrien Brody gets this one. Adrien looks like he prunes his pubic face bush regularly, because it doesn't climb to his cheeks.

I don't mind my nalgas getting gently exfoliated during a salad tossing, but Keanu's beard would scrape off my ass skin and that's not pleasant.

Whenever Kellie Pickler sees a make-up table, she should run the other way, because the two do not get along. Every time she sits down in front of one, it doesn't end well. This is proof. At the "Dressed to Kilt" fashion show in NYC yesterday, Kellie looked like something out of The Real Housewives of Chernobyl. The shit she's done to her face paired with all that make-up caca is not doing her any favors. Bitch looks like Phyllis Diller on a bad day.

And that hair. THAT HAIR! It looks like she was already stressed out while getting butt fucked without lube (trust me, that's stressful), when her big toe accidentally hit the electrical socket creating this wreck. Put down the brush and just say no to teasing. Unless you're a child beauty queen, and then TEASE away!

Beyonce and Shane Mercado came fierce to fierce at the NYC premiere of Cadillac Records last night. Shane was kind enough to keep all his fierceness bundled up in order to protect Beyonce. If he really let it out, her ass would be knocked down to the basement with Solange. If I was Shane, I would've brought a gang of cholita beauties with me in case Beyonce tried some shit. You know she's mad at him for out-fiercing her on YouTube and wanted to get revenge by stabbing him with her cyborg hand. She was so filled with rage over seeing the real Sasha Fierce in person that she forgot to summon Solange from the basement to wax her furry 'gina pits (first thumbnail below).

Here's more of Beyonce killing Shane with her eyes last night. I also threw in some pictures of Adrien Brody and the always chichi-wonderful Toccara. Maybe Beyonce purposely kept her arm pies hairy to match Adrien.

Adrien Brody still looks like Yanni after a sexy orgy with The Lov-ahs from "SNL," but I don't mind it. I just want him to pour me into a hot tub, feed me a variety of spiced meats and stroke my hair with a porcelain brush. Afterwards, he will smoke a cigar while telling his pet Afghan Hound: "Michael K and I made love so powerful, methinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high!"

Seriously, I bet his unkept nut bush smells like Patchouli, rose water and Chinese incense smoke. That said, I'd breathe it in for hours.

Here's Adrien, that trick he's always with, Etta James and Beyonce at the "Cadillac Records" premiere in Los Angeles last night. Look how fucking hot Etta James is. I can't believe they had Beyonce play her ass. Etta needed someone of equal hotness to play her. I'm thinking Hottie from "Flavor of Love" or Alexyss K. Tylor.

I'm sorry for the long ass pause I just took between posts. I feel like I'm coming down with the bubonic plague, so I went to rest my eyes for a quick minute and you know how that works. So! I'm here and now it's time to see what the children are up to!

18-year-old Taylor Swift, who I just want to throw a block of cheese at, has confessed that 19-year-old Joe Jonas left her for Camilla Belle! Taylor told the heartbreaking teen tale to UsWeekly, "They've been together since we broke up. That's why we broke up - because he met her. We don't talk."

This reminds me of when my first girlfriend in the 4th grade left me for another dude, because she said I walked like a girl. Well, FUCK HER. If she could only see me now! I don't walk like a girl anymore, I walk like a woman!

And she broke up with me by sending me a note during lunch that said "I'm breaking up with you." Her breaking up with me using a note made sense, because I asked her to be my girlfriend by sending her a note that said, "Do you want to go around? Circle YES or NO."