Suri Suri

You might think that you're looking at a simple picture of Tommy Girl spending some quality time with Blue Ivy's arch rival Suri Cruise at Disneyland in Anaheim, but some serious business is going down here. This isn't fun-having. This is training. When Xenu finally beams himself down to earth and queefs out a billion thetans that will plug up our plumbing pipes, preventing our men from having "cleansing" time with their "bros" in the steam sauna, spinning space pods will land to take us to the promise planet. So Tommy isn't having fun, he's preparing himself for the spinning pod. That's why every time you stick out your finger and tell him to sit and spin, he shrugs and does it.

If you were ever doubting that celebwhores get special treatment, slap yourself and then come back to these pictures. Like that midget bitch Tommy is really tall enough to ride that ride. Every Disney employee turned their head when Suri gave Tommy a lift so the top of his hair touched that line.

Also, I'm pretty sure Suri is a Juggalette now. She'll take her barley water with a shot of Faygo.

Also also, now I know why the boys in the sauna call him Tea Party Tom. By day, he's the tea bag in a teacup and by night he's tea bagging at tea parties.

Suri Cruise has long been the reigning child princess of spoiled luxury and a jewel was added to her crown when she allegedly put together a $100,000 Christmas list, but that jewel has just been snatched away by 8-second-old Blue Ivy Carter. B.I.C. won't even roll out of her crib for a pile of $100,000 gifts. B.I.C. shits on $100,000. I mean that literally, because I'm sure her diapers are made of £50 notes. Britain's Star Magazine (via SS) says that Blue Ivy Carter is slobbering and barfing on the gaudiest shit Beyonce and Jay-Z's money can buy.

As the ATM tells you to fuck off when you try to take $10 out (like me, you know which ATMs spit out tens) for lunch today, think about Blue Ivy Carter rocking on a tacky ass horse that costs more than your house before you bite on a live electrical wire. This is the list of Veruca Salt-approved shit that's in Blue Ivy Carter's life:

A Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen - $15,000
A Fantasy Posh Tots Coach Carriage Crib - $22,000
A gold handmade rocking horse by Ginza Tanaka - $600,000
A windmill playhouse - $30,000
A lucite crib - $35000

The source adds that Blue Ivy already has a designer wardrobe worth thousands and a diamond rattle from Tiffany & Co. Beyonce and Jay-Z also spent $350,000 on cloning Blue Ivy's Manhattan nursery in their other homes. The daughter of the 1% has been born!

We should probably stage an OCCUPY BLUE IVY'S NURSERY protest, but I think it's best that we instead use our energies on sending good thoughts (and our live savings) to Suri during this difficult time. Suri is wearing this season Chanel heels and Blue Ivy is wearing NEXT season someshiticantevenpronounce booties. Suri has a full-time personal hairstylist who lives in her bathroom and Blue Ivy has a weave garden of grown women who are each growing their hair out just for her. Suri gets carried everywhere by humans since her feet are too precious to touch sidewalk and Blue Ivy is never going to even look at the sidewalk since she's going to travel around in a platinum-plated iHovercraft pod created by the late Steve Jobs. What I'm trying to say is that SURI CRUISE IS POOR!!! We should pray.

And this story gets 5 out of 5 Angry Suris.

Xtina's lips are shaking off at 5 layers of red spray paint while she uncertainly sits at her place at the head of the Red Lipstick Mafia table, because look who stepped out in NYC the other day wearing a fightin' shade of lipstick. With just a simple swipe of red lipstick, Suri Cruise let Xtina know that she's coming for her while leaving Chelsea Piers with Stepford Katie. Suri also let the fashion hos know that no, she's not going to sit front row at their silly shows, because she can teach them a thing or twenty about chic shit glamour, not the other way around.

I mean, only the head stylist of The House of Hubbard can pull off an ensemble made of Six LeMeure's first day of high school hat, Tommy Girl's favorite full-length night shirt, one of her mom's old escapin' scarves, a signature scary ass doll and a purse that looks more expensive than a diamond-encrusted Birkin bag. It's as if a gaggle of gays taught Suri everything she knows. Oh, wait.

As for Stepford Katie's homely ass, bitch needs to turn around and listen to THIS SIGN. This bland bitch is a tragedy in denim coochie cutters and needs to leave looking fashionable to the professionals. Like her 5-year-old daughter.

Sad is the fact that I would sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity" category on Jeopardy!.
Sadder is the fact that I would sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity Children" category too.
Saddest is the fact that I would also sweep the "Haircuts of Celebrity Children's Dolls" category too.

When I first saw these pictures of Suri Cruise pushing around her plastic baby while out with Stepford Katie in Malibu over the weekend, the reunion music from The Color Purple played as I remembered seeing that same doll years ago. Then, I even said to myself, "Oh, and Suri gave her a haircut!"

Yes, I actually remembered that Suri's doll used to have long busted hair and now it looks like it got a haircut. (A busted haircut that looks like it was done with Tommy Girl's teeth, but that's besides the point). I don't know whether to be proud that weed smoke hasn't completely eaten everything in my brain file labeled "memory" or to weep into the phone while calling DeVry to make a career change.

That being said, it's nice to see that Suri's scary doll still has the ability to eat at my soul after all these years.

It's not every day you see Tom Cruise blowing onto a black tube on the balcony of his Miami hotel. Let me correct myself. It's not every day you see Tom Cruise blowing onto a black tube that's not attached to a Dominican hustler. Much better. The air in Miami got even stickier yesterday when Tommy Girl busted out his Rock of Ages moves. Bitch became Lita Ford, then Debbie Harry, then Cher, then Madonna, then Pat Benatar in the blink of an eye! Dude's glitter hole was puckering so hard over these hot moves that if he backed up into the sliding glass door, he would've stuck to it.

You can't tell from these pictures, but a group of girls gathered below Tommy's balcony, took off their panties and threw them at him. Not because they want him to have their panties. But because we all know that the quickest way for Tommy to scatter and screech off a balcony is to throw girl panties at him. It works every time.

Later, Tommy G cooled his nipples by dipping into the pool while wearing the douche equivalent of a bathing cap. Oh, that Tommy. Always coming up with new ways to entertain us by acting like a complete ass.

Who ever is in charge of moving the puppet strings that work Katie Holmes' mouth should pull back a bit, because lately it seems that secrets we shouldn't know about are starting to trip off her tongue and it won't be long before she accidentally tells us that she's digging an escape tunnel with a fork behind the cum shot dart board of Becks Tommy Girl has down in his dungeon.

For example, Katie tells InStyle (via CM) about how she regularly buys maternity clothes even though she's not planning to put her uterus under the hologram hand of L. Ron Hubbard during a Scientology conception ceremony anytime soon. Katie is buying knocked up uniforms for her 5-year-old daughter Suri, because she wants her to have a wardrobe of pretty maternity clothes when she gets pregnant.

If a room full of grown up Suri mannequins wearing maternity clothes isn't enough to make Suri RUUUUUUUN, then I don't know what is. Katie said:

"I will buy something with her in mind, thinking it's gonna look so great on her when she's 25 or whatever.

I have a lot of things that I've already set aside, as well as some of my old maternity clothes so that she (can) wear them when she's having a daughter or son."

This is totally the part in the movie where we all find out that Suri's life has been planned out from the beginning and her blueprint is folded into a black book held by Anthony Mackie! Why would I not be surprised if John Slattery walked through one of my living room walls to erase this quote from my brain with an electronic wand? WE KNOW TOO MUCH!

Why is Katie's dumb robot ass so sure that Suri will bear a barley-addict heir to the Scientology throne? Suri could grow up to do what most children of fucked up parents do: wrap her womb in Ortho Evra patches, make a vow to never have babies and then join the cast of The Bad Girls Club.

Katie also gave an answer to the question that's been plaguing your mind area. No, not the question, "What the hell do I do with Google+ now?!" I'm talking about the question, "Why does Suri's arms always think it's summer?"

"Recently, Suri and I were taking a walk and a fight got started because it was cold outside and she didn't want to wear her coat. My philosophy is, well, fine, because after a block of walking you're going to ask me for your coat. So the pictures of her [without a coat in cold weather] are sort of embarrassing, but I said, "Suri, I'll take the hit. Just put it on when you get cold."

I'm no longer going to give Suri shit for not wearing a coat outside. Obviously, she's just overheated from practicing for her future by walking around the house with a baby pillow strapped to her body.

Expert tummy tuckers, the most skilled uterus reupholsters from Germany, a tongue re-finisher to completely scrape all food particles from the mouth, a stylist specializing in hospital gowns and a nurse whose only job is to spritz champagne mist are all standing by waiting for Posh Beckham to gracefully sneeze out (via C-section, of course) Princess Beckham. Posh Beckham will give birth to Suri Cruise's obvious rival any day now and she's already got everything ready. And by "everything" I mean "FASHION," of fucking course!

The Daily Mail is saying that Posh has already filled the closets of her unborn daughter (whose name will either be Élancé Pout or Juliet Queens Penelope) with designer clothes that are worth more than your internal organs and even a pair of custom-made Louboutin baby pumps complete with his signature red sole. They're calling them "miniboutins." And I think I just had a miniboubarf in my mouth. But for seriously....

If Posh could shit, she would shit in stilettos. If Posh could surgically implant stiletto bones into her heels, she would (and she's looking into it... she's waiting to hear from Switzerland) do it. So of course, Posh's only daughter is going to crawl in Louboutins before she can even say Louboutins. Actually, that's not true. I'm told that right after her birth, Princess Beckham will be flown by helicopter to a newborn speech therapist who will immediately teach her how to gurgle out the word "Louboutins" in case Posh happens to go mute, blind and hand-less and needs to communicate to the shoe salesperson at Saks that she wants everything with a red sole. This is the first thing every Beckham child learns in case of an emergency.

I really wish I was fly on Tommy Girl's used dildo so I can witness for myself the wall-ripping, chandelier crashing, robot malfunctioning tantrum Suri Cruise is going to throw when she finds out that Princess Beckham will be the newborn queen of the high heel catwalk before her first birthday. I mean, Suri was a late bloomer and didn't start working the heels until she was at least 2 or 3! I can already see a 6-month-old Princess Beckham killing hos in 6-inch heels while throwing Suri a silver spoon side-eye that says, "gooburpgagagooburp." That translates into, "amateur, sit down," by the way.

Here's Becks hanging out with Prince William and Kate Middleton at some thing in L.A. yesterday. Becks told Prince William that Posh couldn't make it because she's tired. In Posh talk, "tired" really means "too fat for public viewing."

The Scientology engineers must have water proofed Stepford Katie's hard drive and GPS tracking system, because here she is frolicking in the ocean with Suri without worrying that her operating system will malfunction causing her head to spin while her audio box repeats the secret code tattooed on Tommy Girl's Scientolohole that opens the door to his basement dungeon. While Tommy Girl is working the soles off his fuck me raw heels on the set of Rock of Ages, Katie and Suri sunned themselves on the paparazzi's flashes on the beach in Miami yesterday afternoon. Only Suri wouldn't care about ruining her $5,000 custom-made Prada beach gown.

And is it just me, or is Stepford Katie's belly button getting thicker and thicker? It's a peen head button! It's like Tommy Girl is making her use a penis pump on her belly button so he has something girthier to ride with his ass during their monthly Scientology-appointed intercourse ritual. And by "like" I mean he totally is.

Suri Cruise is the daughter of a Scientology queen and a robot who played American royalty in a TV miniseries once, so you would automatically expect her to cover her precious princess feet with the finest shoes that Tommy Girl's money can buy. And she does! That's what Star Magazine (via news.com.au) says. A source says that Suri's shoe collection is so massive and luxurious that it is worth more than some people's three bedroom home in Santiago, Chile (everything I learned about the price of real estate I learned from HHI).

Warning: Get ready to feel whatever emotions one feels when finding out that selling a 5-year-old's shoe collection could pay off your student loans. Apparently, Suri's got a $150,000 shoe collection. The source put it like this:

"Suri has so many designer shoes. She’s a massive fan of Marc Jacobs and she’s had several shoes custom-made, so if they didn’t come with a heel, Katie had them redesigned for Suri. She commissioned a pair of Louboutins for her a while back. She cries if Katie reaches for anything but a little pair of sandals with some sort of heel.

It’s hard keeping up with a growing girl. Suri sometimes picks out the shoes her mum should wear, and then picks out shoes for her dad. They genuinely seem to value her opinion and want her to make her own decisions.”

Maybe it's because Veruca Salt is my favorite Charlie and the Chocolate Factory character, but I don't see the problem with this. If Katie and Tommy want to raise a spoiled snowflake who will eventually get arrested for slapping a Saks salesperson after they tell her they don't have her size, let them! Zsa Zsa Gabor is this close to skipping up the crystal drops to heaven and she needs a diva successor! Suri is that successor! So I say, keep on being shit parents, Tommy and Katie. Keep on!

Besides, when Suri outgrows her heels, she can give them to Tommy since they're just his size. Suri is not only helping the economy, but she's also being green!

(Thanks Nelson)

Not since the Empress of Lucite magically floated above sand on a bolt of lucite have I been in awe of a girl's ability to skip along the sand in heels like it's the most natural thing in the world. Suri's daddy taught her well, because like him, she never takes her high heels off not even for the beach. At Joel Silver's annual Memorial Day beach party in Malibu yesterday, Katie Holmes and Suri audited their practical Thetans away to frolic on the sand in heels while the beach goers threw them the same "....the hell is this?" look you throw at the Black Angus hostess when she asks if you have a reservation. But people just don't understand!

If Suri ran out on the beach in bare feet, nobody would ever take her seriously as a fashion icon and slave to glamour again! Karl Lagerfeld would unfollow her on Twitter, Anna Wintour would stop asking her to approve the Vogue covers and Jimmy Choo would give away her private dressing room at their Beverly Hills store. Yes, Suri's ankle bones are screaming "NOOOO!" the same way Tommy Girl's prostate screams "NOOOO!" when he winks at a peen, but she has a reputation to uphold. As Suri said to her podiatrist when he told her that she's going to have bunions before she turns 6: GLAMOUR HURTS, HONEY!

Katie, on the other hand, she's just a dumbass.